


The Prodigal Son

by Caro_Evomad1



Category: Emmerdale, robron
Genre: Complicated Relationships, Drug Abuse, Falling In Love, Family, Kidnapping, M/M, Scars, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suspicions, True Love, Trust, Vendettas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-29
Updated: 2015-09-19
Packaged: 2018-04-06 19:02:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 40
Words: 102,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4233186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caro_Evomad1/pseuds/Caro_Evomad1
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cagey about where he has been and what he has been doing, Robert Sugden returns home after ten years away. He isn't planning to stay for long and he definitely isn't planning on falling in love......</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Prodigal Son Returns

**Author's Note:**

> The story starts back in October 2014 when Robert came home, but his circumstances are very different.

Aaron

I see the three of them standing in a row, mouths open, eyes critically assessing and admiring as they watch, I presume, some guy walking up the road. Leyla, her eyes transfixed says, "Well, he is very fine, very fine indeed."

Next to her Rhona sighs, her hand on Nessa's shoulder as she says, "Just look at that view." They can't but help themselves as they continue to stare.

"And what a view it is....., those thighs," Nessa continues wistfully; Leyla and Rhona nodding in agreement. "We could do with some more of that around here."

Seeing me walk towards them smiling as I listen-in to their commentary, Nessa goes, "Sorry Aaron, no offense."

"None taken," I turn to look and see who they are all ogling and see a tall blond, fit looking guy walking towards the pub; I have to admit, the view isn't half bad at all. There are now four of us standing in a row watching him.

Leyla prods my shoulder playfully, "Mits off, he's ours; don't you go spoiling our potential fun, you hear?"

I grin back at her, "Don't worry Leyla, not my type; anyway, he's too old for me," and on that note I scarper into the coffee shop quick as I can, before any of them hit me; leaving them still eyeing up the new hottie in the village. I'm starving and need some food; between the farm and the garage I've already done a full day's work.

. 

Robert

I walk into the back room with the last of our bags, "Thanks Diane, I know it's all a bit...., out of the blue."

Diane is sat at the table, nursing a baby, only a couple of weeks old, "Well, I have to say when you rang last night, I wasn't expecting to learn I am a grandma. Not that I am complaining mind," she smiles as she gently rocks the little girl, sleeping quiet and contented in her arms.

After making a coffee, I sit down at the table on the chair next to her. I am shattered, "We won't stay long, I just need to get sorted and work a few things out."

"Take as long as you need pet."

"You won't be saying that after a few days without sleep. Jem has a pair of lungs on her, so loud that they could hear her in Timbuktu; this is a rare moment of quiet."

"Jemima, daddy, it's Jemima, not Jem," I look over to my other daughter, four year old Milly who is drawing quietly in her colouring book on the coffee table.

It's been a difficult week since being informed my wife, Amanda, had died in a car crash; we were at her funeral only yesterday. We had separated several months ago and haven't been living together; she had moved out, taking Milly with her. My relationship with Milly is strained to say the least and has been ever since the split. She didn't understand why we weren't living together anymore and I had been gone much longer than normal. Milly was used to me being away with my job, but she had realised that this was very different and she blamed me. I smile at her, she is more like me than I care to admit.

.

Leaving the girls with Diane for a short while, I head out down the village. This is the first time I have been able to get some alone time in over a week and I desperately need to think and work out what we are going to do.

I walk to the coffee shop and order an americano, recognising Bob behind the counter, "Well, well, well. It's been quite a while since we've seen you around these parts."

I am not really in the mood for idle chat and didn't respond, but Bob unsurprisingly doesn't take the hint, "So how long are you back for?"

"Not long."

Some young guy comes up-to the counter, passing Bob the money he owes; he gives me a quick smile as you do. I start to think he looks familiar, I know him from somewhere, but can't quite place him.

"You staying at the pub with Diane then?"

I turn back to Bob and nod, "Yep, just a few days."

Bob nods to the guy next to me as he hands him his coffee, "You'll be living with young Aaron here then, you remember him? Chas's son. Aaron this is Robert Sugden."

Aaron gives me a nervous half smile and offers a hand-shake. I barely glance at him, ignoring his hand, I focus on getting my coffee. "Americano Bob?" I am impatient to get out of here.

The penny drops who Aaron is, he has certainly grown up since last I saw him, "Yeah I remember you, you were an obnoxious squirt who liked to nick things."

Aaron letting his hand drop to the counter retaliates, "I remember you too, worked your way through half the knickers in the village didn't you?"

We glare at each other, interrupted only by Bob, "Here's your change Aaron."

"Thanks." I watch him as he leaves, irritated with myself that I couldn't just act normal for once. What is it about Emmerdale that seems to always wind me up.

.

I walk up-to the graveyard. It is a long time since I have been back here. I had left at just nineteen and only been back the once, five years ago, when dad died and even then I wasn't here more than a few hours.

I am no longer the angry teenager that left, I have had more than my fair share of excitement over the years. Meeting Amanda had changed me in ways I hadn't thought possible and when Milly was born, it was the most amazing feeling in the world. I had never expected being a dad would feel so scary and wonderful all at the same time

I stare at Sarah's grave, she had been a good mum. She had put up with a lot from me, I hadn't made it easy, nor for Diane. In fact I had been a complete shit with her back then. My gaze moves to dad's grave, we never did reconcile; I couldn't ever forgive him for pretty much exiling me from the village, or that's how it had felt. I sigh, it was all such a long time ago, you can't turn the clock back.

The village hasn't changed much as I walk up-to the cricket pitch and sit on the seat up the side. I rest my head back against the pavilion enjoying the quiet. I am very fit, I run minimum five miles every day and my job can get quite physical, but I don't think I have felt this exhausted in my entire life; the past week and looking after the girls has sapped the last of my energy. It had been made harder as I had to hide my true feelings from Milly, she was confused enough with everything. She's smart for her age and she can read me like a book unless I'm very careful. I am so very tired and angry and I can't let anyone sense it; not Milly, Jem or anyone else for that matter. It's not the girl's fault that their parents were complete screw ups.

.

I head back in-to the pub and see Vic, who as soon as she sees me, rushes over and wraps her arms round me. I pull her close, it felt good; she is the one person in the village I had truly been looking forward to seeing. It has been too long since I have seen my little sister, "Robert, what are you doing here?"

"Wow," I stand back and look at her, "look at you all grown up, I wouldn't have recognised you hardly."

She gently hits my arm, "Well, that's what happens when you disappear for years, I grew up."

"That you did Vic, that you did. You are beautiful." and she is, Vic has grown into a beautiful young woman. We have a slightly uncomfortable pause as I see I had made her blush.

Fortunately she moves on quickly, "I've been rushed off my feet and I haven't seen Diane all morning. I had no idea you were here. When did you arrive, how long are you stopping?" She can't stop, all the questions gushing out at once making me laugh. I don't think Andy will be this pleased to see me.

"Does that mean you haven't met your nieces yet?"

She looks at me staring, mouth open and then smiles; I take her hand and we walk towards the back room, "Come on, let me introduce you. Milly already has that special Sugden charm."

"And the witty, scathing, sarcastic sense of humour also?" She asks, I think only half jesting and half serious.

"Oh yes, she has that too and she's only four. A Sugden through and through. It's still too early to tell with Jem, maybe she will take more after her mother's side."

TBC


	2. I Used To Sleep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Day 1 in Emmerdale - Robert has his first run-in with Katie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 2 and 3 posted together.

Robert

Vic has taken Milly and Jem for a walk to the swings, so I had taken the opportunity to make some calls, I have tons of stuff to sort out. There's Amanda's house in Worcester for starters, the renting agency are pushing me to get it emptied; she hadn't ever made a will and has no family so it was pretty much straight forward. The solicitor had emailed me all the documents, so I finally got round to doing all that ready for posting. I even managed to grab a quick kip for half hour.

I reckon I just have time for a swift pint before Vic gets back, which Diane is just bringing over now, "Andy will probably be in a bit later if you want to see him? You know him and Katie are tying the knot at Christmas?"

I shake my head, I haven't had contact with Andy since Dad's funeral; Diane sees the look on my face, "I don't want any bother between the three of you." She looks at me sadly, "Don't you think it's time you put the past behind you all and moved on?" I can't say that I don't disagree, but we have a complicated history, it's not that easy. I don't say anything, I'm not going to make promises I can't keep so I stay quiet and take a drink of my pint.

.

Jem is settled after her feed and I come back downstairs into the bar, plugging in the baby monitor at the back counter. We'll see how long that lasts, it's just after nine so I'd give her a couple of hours before she starts; Milly went off to sleep at the usual time, so I shouldn't need to worry about her now.

I nod as Diane asks me "All okay?" Chas is not exactly ignoring me, but she is definitely frosty. She never did like me, though I always suspected this was more because I turned her down that time. I smile to myself, Amanda would have been horrified if she had known what I used to be like. Fortunately she had had enough of her own family crap in her past that she never pushed to meet mine, she had just accepted that it was a closed topic; just as I had with hers.

Diane is curious so I pass her a picture of the girls with Amanda, it was taken a couple of days after Jem was born, "She looks nice, so how long were you together then?"

"Six years, give or take a month or two," I am distracted as I hear a noise on the monitor, but I know it's too early yet; I relax as it goes quiet again. Diane smiles at me clearly thinking I am being over-sensitive, but I give her a knowing look. I used to sleep, but not anymore, "Believe me Diane, you won't be smiling later, just don't say I didn't warn you; she doesn't come with an off switch."

"Charming, I'm sure. White wine and a pint please Diane."

I can't help myself and hit that cutting sarcastic tone that I do so well, "Oh how I've missed those dulcet tones," I turn to see Katie and Andy at the bar; it had started already.

Diane cuts in, "Now now Katie, we are just talking about Robert's youngest, they are staying with us for a few days, she's not sleeping too well during the night." 

I can see Andy staring at me, a little taken aback firstly to see me and then clearly he wasn't expecting to hear that I am a father. I nod to him, "Andy."

"Robert," and that was that as I watched them go to sit down over at one of the tables joining some other people already there. Diane shakes her head at us in despair, but she knew better than to interfere.

I don't recognise any of the others at their table, every now and again I hear my name mentioned, but I just ignore it. I had been away a long time, I suppose it's to be expected there are questions from people who have no idea who I am. I wonder what spiteful crap they will be told. I glance over, I can see Andy staring at me, not exactly scowling, but not exactly happy that I am here either.

.

I feel a tugging at my leg and I look down and am surprised to see Milly, she never usually wakes up. I pick her up and sit her on my knee, "I can't sleep daddy...., " eyes wide open, she looks around the pub before looking back at me pulling a face and letting out a little huff, "Can't sleep, I want to go 'home' home. Why can't we go home daddy?"

I can feel the group sat at the table along with Andy and Katie looking on curiously, waiting to hear my answer. I take my time as I move the strands of hair away from her face, pushing them behind her ear, "You know why Milly, it's not our home anymore."

She looks like she is going to cry, her bottom lip trembling; she doesn't but it's borderline, "I want mummy." There's really not a lot I can say to that, because at this particular moment, I wish mummy was here too.

I pull her up and rest her on my hip as she puts her arms around my neck, she is looking around now. I sigh, she is moving into curious mode; she reminds me of Vic when she is like this and I know there's no point trying to take her back to bed until she has it out of her system and she's ready. It actually feels nice to have her with me, even though I don't like her being awake at this time. With everything the last week, it's not really surprising she is unsettled in a strange place.

.

Katie is back at the bar getting a fresh round of drinks in, sensing an opportunity to get more information most likely, "So who's this then?"

"This is Milly. Milly meet Katie and the guy sat over there look, "I point, "that's your uncle Andy." I see Andy squirm a little as Milly stares at him, he's not quite sure how he's supposed to respond, but Milly is soon looking back at Katie."

I see Katie looking to see if I am wearing a wedding ring, but I never did, "Mummy not with you Milly?"

That's it, I can start to feel my back get up already. I don't want the whole pub knowing my business, but before I can say anything, Milly beats me to it, "Mummy went to heaven." She puts her head on my shoulder and once more she looks like she is going to cry. I stand up now, it's time to take Milly back upstairs to bed, but before I know it she has wriggled out of my arms, jumps down to the floor and off she goes towards the group sat at the table; I can see her eyeing Andy curiously. I'm not in the mood to have a scene with her here and if we go back upstairs and she kicks off, it will wake Jem; so I take the lesser of the two evils and sit back down.

For once Katie has the good grace to not say anything as she takes the drinks over to their table. I glance at Andy, his expression has softened a little and I see him watching Milly. I have to smile at her, she really isn't shy at all as she starts to work her charm. God help me when she gets older; if she's as much like me as I think she is, then she will likely send me to an early grave with worry.

.

After a while I look at my watch, Milly is sat with someone called Leyla, playing with her bracelets. "Come on you, time to go back to bed, it's late." I can see her trying to decide if to play ball or not.

Katie pipes up once more, "So what is it you do now, then Robert?" She has that tone which she knows in the past would have wound me up, but I just ignore it.

I sigh as I hold out my hand, "Come on Milly, bedtime." I look at Katie, "Oh a bit of this and that, you know I can turn my hand to most things."

I am distracted slightly as Aaron comes into the bar, looking over at us all, watching with interest as he orders himself a pint. Our eyes meet and hold for an instant, I think to myself how crystal clear blue they are as they pierce into mine; not quite glaring, but well we didn't get off to the best start earlier. I suppose if I am going to be living here, even if it is for just a few days, I should probably make nice with him; otherwise I will also have Chas on my back. The mood I am in, this would only lead to all hell breaking loose and I don't need the hassle; without Diane at the moment it would be even harder than it already is.

Katie pulls my attention back to her, tone condescending; she always did think she was better than me, "So you're not a mechanic any more then?"

"When I need to be I am."

Milly is paying attention now, she puts her head to one side; I can see the cogs in her brain turning, she looks at me oddly, but doesn't say anything. She knows what I do for a job, but she also knows that she must never talk about it; this is something we had to instil in her very early on and she understood why.

"Milly, I won't ask you again," my voice a little sterner and this time she comes over. I pick her up and without looking back I take her upstairs, grabbing the baby monitor as I go.

.

It's two o'clock and Jem had been screaming on and off now since midnight, she'd drunk all the formula so she isn't hungry and I eventually give up as I take her out and put her in the car seat to go for a drive. It still takes her quite a long time but eventually she falls asleep. I am going to have to find a solution for this, because she'll kill me if she keeps this up every night.

And there comes the crux of the problem in general. I am sat with the radio on quiet in the background, my feet up on the car dash; we are parked in some lay-by up over the tops and I can see all the lights of the towns and villages around us. I look over at Jem, finally sleeping peacefully, you'd never believe she was the same baby from before, screaming for as long and as loud as she had managed.

It doesn't matter what I do, she's waking every night between eleven and midnight, then it takes hours to get her back off. I wouldn't mind, but she hardly sleeps during the day, so you'd think she would need the sleep by night-time and even when she drinks her milk, it doesn't seem to keep her quiet for long. Milly had been so different, I was always away a lot, but I was at home for a little while just after she arrived and right from the beginning she used to sleep through from about ten at night, never waking until at least five or six in the morning. Amanda said she almost always did unless she was teething or ill. I suppose we had had it easy with her.

At some point though in the next couple of weeks I am going to have to go back to work, they won't give me time off forever, so what do I do with the girls? Where would they live, where will I live? Emmerdale is too far away and it wouldn't be fair on Diane to land two little ones on her. I am away more than I am at home, so what do I do then? I'm not particularly keen to hire someone, I would be more or less trusting them to a complete stranger that I don't know anything about. This may have been an option if I come home at the end of every day, but I don't; I can be away for weeks at a time. The alternative is I leave and find a new job.

This I suppose is ultimately why I am here. I have no ties to anywhere else, so if I resign, maybe it's time to come home; back to Emmerdale.

TBC


	3. And Then There Was Quiet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Day 2 in Emmerdale - Aaron and Robert continue to clash.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 2 and 3 posted together.

Robert

Aaron is clearly disgruntled and tired, "Don't tell me, you've just had the last of the milk?"

I am hardly going to deny it seeing how I still have the empty milk container in my hand, "Sorry, I'll go out to the shop when it's open." I look at my watch, it's five in the morning, so just a tad early; I suppose I could go find an all night garage.

He just stares at me, the irritation visible, "Forget it, I'll get something up at the farm." I sigh as I watch him stomp out, hands in his hoodie pockets. Well I seem to have put my foot in it again with him, good one Suggers, good one. I am sure I will cop it from Chas as well about the lack of sleep, oh joy.

I go to bed, I might manage to get in a couple of hours sleep before I get woken once more by my little darlings.

.

I walk into the bar, seeing Chas setting up before opening, and yep, there it is, I get the scowl of someone who didn't get her eight hours. "How long did you say you were staying for?"

"A few days, don't worry Chas, we'll be out of your way very soon."

Milly comes in bouncing with energy, she had adapted to Jem's noise and she sleeps through it, unbelievable. She comes up and climbs onto the bar stool, elbows propped on the bar top. Chas may not like me much, but she can't help but smile at Milly who bombards her with questions about all the things around the bar that she doesn't know what they are.

Diane comes in with Jem, "All changed and happy."

Chas peeks over, not quite resisting a smile, "Who'd have thought that such a little bundle of cuteness could make so much noise, eh?"

Diane hands Jem to me, "Just ignore her, Jem will settle down into a better routine in a few weeks,"

"I hope so."

"Have you decided what you are going to do?"

I shake my head, "Not yet." I hadn't lied to Diane, but I hadn't told her the truth either, so she doesn't really know what I do; just that I travel a lot for work and it doesn't really fit with being a single parent.

.

Milly is driving me nuts, we are on our way up-to the Barton farm; I had decided to go try make some kind of peace with Andy. She had started being difficult as soon as we got out of the pub. First she had a tantrum outside saying she didn't want to go to the farm because it smells of cow poo and now on our way, she had found a bag of boiled sweets in the back and was throwing them at me whilst going on about some new toy she had seen advertised that I am refusing to buy.

After the last on target hit with yet another sweet, I turn round trying to grab the bag from her, when I hear the blast of a horn. I realise just in time that I had let the car drift and bloody typical, I see a very unhappy Aaron driving on the other side; our cars barely avoiding hitting. He keeps going as I slam my foot on the break, the car screeches to a stop. I feel myself shaking, I am cross with myself and I am cross with Milly. I get out and pace up and down, the fresh air feeling good on my face; it is probably the only thing stopping me from losing it completely. I would never let her get to me like this normally, I am usually the calm and focussed one; Robert Sugden doesn't make mistakes.

I get back in the car and turn it around, driving back towards the pub. Milly has the good sense to be quiet, I get out and slam the door as I get Jem out of the car seat, leaving Milly to sort herself out as I head into the pub. God I need a run.

Diane takes pity on me and agrees to watch the girls, I get changed into my running gear. I haven't run in a week and I can tell, I stick to the road and keep it fairly flat; it feels good as I let my mind drift, thinking about nothing in particular other than maintaining my pace. I have always found the running relaxes me, I had soon switched to autopilot. Looking at my watch when I get back, I had still hit my usual time of just over fifty minutes for ten miles; bloody good considering I am practically running on empty.

.

I get back into the pub and look out of the window, I can see Aaron stood talking to Bob outside the coffee shop. I suppose I should go apologise to him, maybe later; I'll let him calm down a bit more first, he clearly hadn't been too impressed earlier. I look at my watch and realise I won't have time now anyway; I have to meet someone at eleven who's doing a job for me. 

After my shower and getting changed, I pull my duffel bag out from under the bed and then head downstairs, telling Diane I won't be long on my way out.

.

Aaron

I look at my watch, shit Debbie will kill me; I am later than I had promised, yet again and she is already unhappy about the amount of time I am up at the farm. Adam owes me big time for this when he gets out. We had been a lot longer than expected sorting out the back barn earlier and then I had dropped some stuff off for him in Hotten. I haven't made it into the garage yet and it's already after midday so I had called into the pub for some quick food with Andy and to give him the paperwork back he needed. I gobble down the last of my pie and pick my stuff up, getting ready to leave, "I should be getting to the garage before Debbie fires me."

"You know Moira appreciates the help, we couldn't manage without you," Andy looks up as Katie comes in and comes sits with us.

I was just about to get up, when she asks, "What's it like living with the lovely Robert Sugden then?"

I think about it a minute, "Don't know, he's only been here a day, the youngest kept us awake half the night."

Andy laughs, "So that's why you've been so grumpy all morning then, you'd best get used to it if they stop."

Before I can think of a fitting retort Katie asks me, "Did you see that weird bloke with Robert earlier?"

"Don't think so, what bloke?"

"Don't know, but it looked well dodgy; he was paying some guy a whole wad of cash round the back of the cricket pavilion. I mean who carries that kind of cash around these days and the guy looked well suss. What if he is into something illegal?"

.

I think back to earlier, "Not seen him since he almost ran me off the road, driving like a flamin' nutter; almost got me killed," which is a slight exaggeration, but Robert Sugden has had a knack of winding me up since he arrived. Every time I see him, there is just something about him that seems to irritate the hell out of me.

Andy looks at Katie and laughs in disbelief, "If he was up-to no good, he would hardly do it here in the village would here? I know Robert isn't whiter than white, but he's not exactly a crime lord either."

Katie is adamant to turn it into something, "How do you know? You haven't seen him for years, you don't know anything about him anymore. He obviously didn't want to tell us last night what he does."

"Katie, this is Robert we are talking about; he has his children with him and his wife has just died for crying out loud."

"You didn't see him Andy, I just think it looked off that's all; he's hiding something."

I see Andy shaking his head at Katie as she goes and orders; he sighs, "Why can't she just leave well alone, he'll be gone soon; but you know what's she's like when she gets a bee in her bonnet."

I keep out of it and this time I do get up, "Right then, I'm off. I'll catch you in the morning early doors, okay?"

"Yeah, see you tomorrow."

.

Robert

It's after one in the morning and Jem is at it again and has been for over an hour; I look at her in pure frustration, willing her to be quiet with the little bit of energy I have left. I have been surviving on just a couple of hours sleep each night for over a week now and it's more than taking its toll. Even when I get her off to sleep, I can't seem to relax enough to let myself drop off. Seriously, I get more sleep than this when I'm out on a job.

I sit sideways on the sofa and put her down next to me, I rest my head, leaning it against the back of the sofa as I watch her scream; her face all screwed up and pink. I realise someone has come through the door and when I look up I see it is Aaron. Great, that's all I need for him to have a go at me; I had somehow avoided talking to him the rest of the day since our almost accident earlier.

Before he can start I get up, "I know, I know.... let me just go find the car keys and then we'll be gone, it's the only way she seems to give in when she is in the car." I start to hunt around for the keys, I am sure I left them here on the side; I start searching under cushions, I glance at Jem still on the sofa and then at Aaron who is just stood watching me as I get more irritated at not being able to find the keys. "I will kill Milly, what the hell has she done with the car keys? I swear that child is going to be the end of me if she carries this on."

Maybe I left them in my room, "Can you just watch her whilst I go find the keys?" I don't give him time to answer, it's embarrassing enough that I seem to have lost complete control of my children; both of them running rings round me for all to see.

Eventually I find the keys, they are at the back of the bar; I have no idea anymore if this is a game of Milly's or if I left them there myself. If my team could see me now I would never live it down, I am being bested by a two-week and a four year old.

.

I finally go into the back room, about to say something, when Aaron shushes me; between the hunt for my keys and grumbling, I hadn't noticed that it had gone quiet. I lean back against the wall and let myself slide down it, my head dropping to my knees, exhausted. That puts the cream on it, the local mechanic and part-time farm hand can get my daughter to sleep where I fail miserably; I give up.

Amazingly Jem stays asleep, peaceful in Aaron's arms; eventually he moves to go into my room, I follow him and watch as he puts her down in the travel cot. There isn't a lot of room between the bed, the cot and all the stuff I have in there, that I find myself standing close behind him, watching over his shoulder, the wonderful sight of Jem asleep.

I am not even aware I have my chin resting on his shoulder as I continue to watch her sleep, gobsmacked, "You don't fancy a new job do you?" I say to him quietly.

Embarrassed, I suddenly realise how close we are, I lift my head and stand back upright. He turns and looks at me, "She knows you're stressed, she's picking up on it."

I take a step back to put some space between us, but I feel myself start to fall; I see one of Milly's toys under my foot, but it's too late to stop myself. Aaron grabs me, keeping me from falling; pulling our bodies in even closer together as he holds me up. Our faces are almost touching and without any warning or thought to what I am doing, I kiss him.

TBC


	4. Not What I Was Expecting!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Day 3-4 in Emmerdale - Aaron is unclear where things stand between them.

Aaron - Day 3, early hours

Standing close, arms hanging down by our sides, our faces remain almost touching after the kiss; it's so still and quiet that I can hear both our breathing. I'm not quite sure what to do and maybe he is the same because neither of us move. His kiss was the last thing I had ever expected, I stare into his eyes, searching for any sign that he might just be playing me for some reason; but all I see is how tired he looks.

I'm the one who finally breaks the silence, "I should go to bed, I have to be up early." He doesn't say anything. His eyes never leave mine, even as he moves to the side slightly so I can squeeze past him and then navigate around all the crap in his room; not that I actually see anything of his, it seems to be all the kids stuff scattered everywhere. He catches my arm with his hand just as I get past him, "Thanks.....," he glances at Jem, he doesn't need to say anything else; I know what he is trying to say.

I resist the urge to kiss him, instead I give him an awkward smile; this is so weird as I feel his eyes watching me leave the room. I close the door quietly behind me and lean back against it for a moment. I can't help but let a little smile escape as I remember the softness of his lips; his kiss was...., well surprisingly tender. I go back to my own room and despite all the emotions of what just happened, I'm asleep almost as soon as my head hits the pillow; Robert's not the only one who's completely knackered.

.

Aaron - Day 3

All day at the farm and at the garage I cannot get it out of my head that Robert Sugden kissed me. I have a million and one questions, I'm not even sure if he knows I'm gay. Was it a one-off, was it just the tiredness and emotion with Jem actually going to sleep; does this mean he's into guys, is he bi? I even question if maybe I hadn't just been dreaming. I mean until I had seen him late last night struggling with Jem, if you would have asked beforehand, I would have not been too complimentary about Robert Sugden; if you were to ask me now, I'm not quite sure what I would say.

I have been hoping to run into him all day, at the same time feeling very nervous how he will be around me; I desperately need some kind of confirmation of what the kiss had meant, but I don't see hide nor hair of him.

I finally get in after finishing up at the garage, it's already seven and I am feeling grubby and tired. I grab a quick shower and head into the back room to eat my tea which mum had left plated up on the side. She's reading to Milly on the sofa, who is all ready for bed in her jamas. Jem is in her bouncy chair thing.

Mum will for sure be on my case if she catches on there is anything between us, she's already made it clear she's not his biggest fan. Not that I even know if there is anything between us yet, but no matter how much I'm not sure it's a good idea, I want to feel his lips on mine again; and more...., a lot more. Waiting for my tea to warm up in the microwave I try not to sound too interested as I ask, "Where's Robert?"

Mum looks up from the book, "Had to go to work, somewhere down south, he left this morning and said he should be back tomorrow." Hopefully I am hiding the disappointment I am feeling, I busy myself looking down at the TV magazine just in case, "Ahhh, what's on the box, anything good?" Don't know why I should be so bothered anyway, I've only really known the man a couple of days. The work thing is probably just an excuse, he's most likely regretting it already and found a way to make himself scarce. Before last night Robert Sugden irritated the crap out of me and now I am doing my best, unsuccessfully I might add, to try and get him out of my head.

.

Aaron - Day 4

I had to cover for Debbie at the garage this morning, so I had said I would come up-to the farm this afternoon instead. I start to dig into the sarnie that Moira had made for me; I'm starving, I didn't get chance to have anything earlier. I look up as there is a quick knock at the door and Robert walks in carrying a couple of boxes. I don't think he knew I was up here because he looked kind of surprised to see me sat at the kitchen table as he put them down on the counter just to the side of me. Not even saying a quick hello, he asks, "Moira around?" Mmmh, that was cool, I hadn't known what to expect when I next saw him, but I feel a little wounded at his apparent indifference.

Before I can answer, Moira walks in and I nod my head towards her; he holds his hand out, "Robert Sugden." Moira shakes his hand, as he indicates the boxes on the side, full of empty glass jars, "Diane asked me to bring these up for you, apparently you needed some extra? I'll be back in a tick, just need to go fetch the rest from the car."

I have to force myself to take my eyes off him and focus on drinking my tea because just looking at him is making me squirm in my seat due to the impact he is having on me. He has black combats on, boots and a dark grey beanie, his blond hair sticking out from underneath. Until now I had only seen him with the more straight laced look, dark blue jeans, fuddy duddy shirt and body warmer; but this....., I'm not joking, hot does not even come close.

He heads out and I can see he had had a similar effect on Moira as she watches him go saying, "Not what I was expecting." I smirk to myself amused, he does seem to get all the females in this village going, one way or another. I suddenly get a clip around the ear, Moira saying to me, "What you smiling at?" aware that I had seen her checking him out.

I grin and tease, "All I would say is don't let Cain catch you looking at him like that."

Robert comes back in with more boxes, Andy just a few paces behind him. Moira offers tea, but he says no. I can't help but feel disappointed that he probably won't be hanging around a little longer then.

.

However, I soon wish he wasn't here as Andy turns to Moira, "That whole section of walling in the top field is now fully collapsed, it all needs stripping, sorting out and then re-building. I just don't have time with everything else and it really does need seeing to; he pushes my shoulder teasing, "Don't worry Aaron, we'll let you pass on that one, eh?"

I sit there and say nothing, but I pull a face as he continues, "We'll need to fix something temporary until we have time to get round to it; we can't leave it open like that for much longer otherwise we'll have old Smith over every day pestering us to get it done, he's already been round a few times."

Moira turns to Robert to explain, "This was Aaron's first, only and last attempt at dry stone walling," she notices I am un-amused at being teased about this yet again, "you stick to the animals and bales of hay, eh Aaron?" at which I turn red and am in complete discomfort.

I pull another face, this time at Moira, "Very droll." 

Andy had tried to teach me and this was the section that I had done, but it has been collapsing pretty much since I finished it and is one of the few jobs on the farm I was never asked to do again. I don't know why they find this so amusing to wind me up about, Adam's as useless as I am at it and he doesn't get this kind of grief.

.

"I can help him."

I turn to Robert, checking I heard him right and I see Andy looking at him, not quite believing his brother had actually offered to help.

Robert catches Andy's look, "What?" he says holding his hands up, irritated, "I don't have to if you don't want me to? I just thought, well you know, I was always good at it; but if you don't want my help?"

Andy pauses, "No, No, it's not that.... it's just....."

"Just what Andy? You don't expect your selfish arse of a brother to offer to help, is that it?" He turns to Moira, "Nice to have met you Moira," and he starts towards the door. It's interesting how they kick off immediately over practically nothing, I definitely need to get the history of what happened between them from mum.

Andy stops him leaving, "Look....., sorry....., if you're serious, then we would be grateful if you can help out, we need all the help we can get at the minute." Andy looks at me, "Robert was one of the best at walling around here going way back, so maybe you can give it a go with him helping; if that's okay with you? We promise not to take the piss anymore." Andy grins at me, so I'm not sure I believe him and I'm not so sure now that I want to spend the whole afternoon with Robert. It would look weird and petty if I said no though, "You're the boss," I daren't even look at Robert.

.

I ride the quad bike into the yard and wait whilst Robert goes and gets changed into the overalls that Andy had brought him. I am feeling all uptight, riled that I was stupid enough to think that there could be anything between us. He came over with a bag full of tools and stuff that we will need; silently he got on the back, sitting behind me, his hand on my shoulder. I sped the quad up-to the top field, a lot faster than I should have done, but he never commented. There was no way I wanted to be sat with my arms around him, though now I don't think this is any better. How the hell do I get myself into these messes?

We hadn't said a word to each other since he had arrived up at the farm and now taking our helmets off, I feel awkward, unsure how to act around him. We are at the far top boundary of the farm, the views are stunning from up here on a nice day.

After getting off the quad, Robert goes to start checking out what needs doing. I get off and turn, facing away in the other direction, partly to avoid looking at Robert and partly because I have to do a little readjusting, no prizes for guessing why. It's mild, but not enough to make me so hot and flustered as I am feeling, that is purely down to the proximity of a certain arsehole not too far away. I unbutton the top half of my overall, I still have my t-shirt on, and tie the sleeves round my waist; hopefully that will help cool me down.

We have to strip the existing wall and foundation and sort out all the stone; he explains to me what to look for when sorting out. We had been working in silence for quite a while and I am strangely enjoying the peace and physical work, almost forgetting he is with me.

.

After I'm finished sorting one section, I take a breather and have a drink of water. I'm leaning over a full section of the wall a little lower down, just staring into the distance. I was so lost in my own thoughts that I don't realise he has come over and is now stood practically behind me, his arm reaching round as he sneaks the bottle of water from out of my hands which are resting on top of the wall and he has a swig.

"Don't worry, this will still be here in a hundred years after we're done; you're with the expert now."

Turning round slightly so I can see him, I say, "Not arrogant about that at all then are you?" I can't keep the hint of irritation from my voice.

I see him smiling at me, his eyes are playful as he puts the bottle back down on the top of the wall in front of me, "What me? Never."

Although I have my back to him again, I'm very aware of just how close he still is to me and consider pushing him away, but I don't want to; I feel the air of anticipation between us, it's there whether I like it or not. I catch my breath as his lips kiss my neck, working their way up-to my ear lobe and I close my eyes. As his mouth hovers over my ear; this turns me on like you wouldn't believe as I feel his breath which together with him biting my ear lobe gently, just sends shivers all through me.

.

We stay stood still a moment, not touching before he then wraps his left arm diagonally up across my chest and his right hand slides down inside my overalls. My breathing is now becoming heavier as he rubs his hand over the soft material of my cotton undies, his touch has the desired effect very quickly. Our bodies are now as close as absolutely possible, he's taller than me, but he dips his head slightly, so we are more or less cheek to cheek. He moves his head around, tilting mine backwards and kisses me full on before moving back to my neck, his hand massaging my dick all the while.

I have always been very sensitive on my neck and especially around my ears, he is now driving me wild with his mouth, switching between licking and kissing my neck, my ears and pushing into my mouth, his tongue now exploring deep inside as his hand now moves inside my undies and he starts to rub quickly up and down my shaft.

My breathing is more like panting, as I push back into him, he is rock hard against me and I try and reach for him, but he is very physically aware with his body; holding me now in a way that I can't hardly move, pressing me to him. It's like I am almost part of him and how it would be if he was giving himself a hand-job. He continues stroking, pushing me to the edge and holds me there, teasing; I have to practically beg him to let me come and when he does, it's like an explosion. He carries on stroking still, with my come all over his hand and he holds me tight to him. I try to move his hand away because it's too sensitive, but his hold is iron fast and I give up trying to resist him.

He stops stroking but leaves his hand on my dick as he holds me, waiting for me to recover. He only releases me once my breathing has returned fully back to normal and only then does he pull his hand out.

He kisses my neck one last time and then moves away from me without saying a word and starts sorting the stones once more, but he keeps smiling over at me and this time we work together on stripping the same section; exchanging glances continually as we work.

I can't quite suss him out, he was as hard as could possibly be before but had made it clear with his body language, during and after, that he didn't want me to return the favour or do anything for him. I'm increasingly curious about what exactly makes Robert Sugden tick and just what this thing happening between us, actually is.

It's quite late and getting dark when we eventually drive back down to the farm, completely unaware that we are being watched.

TBC


	5. Don't Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Day 4 - 5 in Emmerdale - Robert and Katie have words whilst Robert continues getting closer to Aaron.

Robert - Day 4

I get back to the pub a little before Aaron, it's just coming up-to seven; I go have a shower and then spend some time with the girls in Milly's room. Jem is on the bed gurgling away, she seems to be way more settled. Aaron is right, when I am less stressed, she is; I should have known that already, doing what I do. Milly is in bed and I start to read her a bed-time story, but stop because she's not in the mood and instead she tells me what she's been up-to. She clearly enjoys spending time with Vic, Chas and Diane as she never stops yapping; though according to Diane when I got back, she said Milly had struggled going to sleep last night because I wasn't there.

I had been sat back relaxed on Milly's bed watching her sleep whilst feeding Jem, I give Milly a quick kiss on her forehead before taking Jem back into my room. I nearly don't go back downstairs, but after putting Jem down, armed with baby monitor I go down into the bar.

Aaron is there already, sat with James, Andy and Katie. I couldn't help but give him a conspiratorial smile as I go ask Chas for a pint and sit at the far end of the bar. I don't want Katie to spoil my mood and I have a perfect view of Aaron. Let's see if I can't have some fun with him, I wonder if I can make him blush from here. I had hardly sat down though when Moira came in. She ordered a glass of wine and asks me to come over and sit with them. She clearly isn't taking no for an answer and it would have been overtly rude if I had kept on resisting, plus the little I had seen of her, I like Moira. No idea what she sees in Cain, but fortunately so far I haven't bumped into him yet; we have our history as well.

.

I follow Moira to the table, there was no way I was sitting next to Katie, so I end up getting Aaron to nudge along and I sit next to him on the fixed seating at the end of the table. James moved round the corner so he is now sitting on the back wall next to Andy, Katie opposite us at the other end of the table and Moira on a chair on the long side to my right.

I can't help but smile at him as I sit down, my leg brushing up against his. Chas comes over to collect the empty glasses, glancing between Katie and me, "Now play nicely you two, I don't want any bother from either or you, got it?"

I nod, "We'll be good as gold, won't we Katie?" she just glares at me; I can't help winding her up just a little.

Moira and Katie are chatting about the wedding and Andy was saying that he is thinking about maybe trying to buy Wiley's Farm; I'm only half listening, too distracted by Aaron's leg resting against mine. We were taking it in turns pushing our knees against each other under the table. I keep my hands safely in sight, fiddling with my pint glass, otherwise I don't doubt my hand would have been playing also.

.

My attention is suddenly brought back to the conversation as I hear Andy asking me, "So how long are you staying for Robert?"

I lie, "Don't know," then diverting the topic away from me, "It would be lot of hard work to bring Wiley's back to a functioning farm, are you sure it's worth it?"

Katie pipes up, "What would you know about hard work? You spent more of your time chasing your next conquest than you did working on the farm."

I retorted without even thinking about it, "Well you'd know Katie, wouldn't you? You didn't take much luring as I recall. Still got that shotgun Andy?" He throws me an angry look.

The uncomfortable silence at the table is broken by the ringing of my phone, I get up and go out into the back corridor to take the call.

As I walk back into the bar, Aaron is on his way to the toilet, our eyes locking and our hands lightly touch as we walk past each other in the doorway; we can't help smiling at each other. No-one has had this effect on me for a very long time, not even Amanda. He's intoxicating, every time I am near him, I have to fight to keep my hands off him.

.

I look at my watch, it's getting on for closing time and it won't be long before Jem is wanting her next feed. I say good night to them and go upstairs. Jem is awake but quiet, I lift her out of the cot and go into the kitchen and put her bottle in the microwave. Aaron comes in and walks over; he peeks at Jem and then with his hands on my face he kisses me. I kiss him back, my eyes stealing a look at the door, checking that no-one comes in and sees us.

The microwave pings and I pass Jem to him whilst I get the bottle out and check the temperature. Aaron had noticed my wariness of us being seen together like this, "No-one has to know if you don't want, we can keep it quiet." He is leaning against the kitchen counter, I go and stand in front of him, Jem in his arms between us. I put the bottle so Jem can drink and watch she is okay for a moment, then look at him whilst still holding the bottle.

"It's complicated, I have to get things sorted for the girls," I feel guilty as I say that, seeing the look of disappointment cross his face. He probably thinks I am using them as an excuse, which I am, but not for the reason he thinks.

.

I was tidying up some of the girls' stuff whilst Aaron puts Jem down in her cot, he certainly has a way with her. "You're good with her," I smile at him thinking she's not the only one he has a way with.

He smiles back at me, "It's no big deal." He moves away from the cot, looking a little unsure what to do. He's biting his bottom lip, something I've noticed he does quite a lot; he must have decided to leave as he starts walking towards the door, "I'll see you tomorrow then?"

Before he goes any further I catch his hand and pull him back to me, "Don't go." I run my hand through his hair and we kiss, he pushes me down on the bed and our bodies intertwine; our kissing is passionate as we both get more and more aroused.

Our hands are moving everywhere, our bodies frantically pushing against each other; I hear Aaron say, "I want you, I want to be with you Robert." He starts to pull my shirt out of my jeans and I almost let him, but instead I grab his wrist quickly stopping him. He is laid on top of me, our faces are almost touching; still straddling me, he sits back up resting on his heels and looks at me a little confused. I can see him searching my eyes as to why I had stopped him.

I sit up and cup his face with my hands, pulling him towards me. I kiss him, deep, long and slow. I'm not lying to him when I say, "I'm not ready, not yet." I move him so he is now on his back and I curl up against him, my head on his chest. His hand is resting on my head, gently stroking through my hair; it feels nice. I'm not ready for him to see, if he saw the marks on my body he would ask questions; questions I don't want to answer yet.

.

Robert - Day 5

I wake up alone, I had kissed Aaron goodbye when he left to go to the farm over an hour ago. It's just after six-thirty, Milly is still sleeping, I sort out Jem and then leaving Diane to watch over her, I go for my run. I am back to my normal daily routine of five miles.

I find myself up at Wiley's and take a look around whilst I am there. I reckon after a quick assessment, that if Andy is planning to do most of the work himself, with practically no money and trying to run a farm at the same time, he'll probably still be at it by the time he is a hundred. Either that or bankrupt.

.

Once back out of the building I stop, Katie is on her horse glaring at me. She must have seen me when coming in here, "What are you doing here Robert?"

"Just looking around, didn't realise I needed your permission; it's not yours yet."

She seemed to take that as a threat, "Don't go getting ideas Robert, this would be a new start for me and Andy, don't you dare come back here and ruin things."

Katie is still so bitter, "The only person around here who is ruining things Katie is you, just chill out will you."

"What are you really up-to Robert, why are you even still here? You never bothered with family all these years, or now you're wife's dead don't you have anyone else, huh?" She smiles, satisfied, knowing by the look on my face that she had touched a raw nerve.

I'm staring at her, my expression now hardened, "Why don't you mind your own business instead of worrying about what other people are up-to? You seem far more obsessed with me than Andy since I got back, maybe he's not the one you want after all?"

"I heard you had split up months ago, back to your wandering ways were you? Wife and family not exciting enough? You never were happy with what you had, always wanting more. You think you can come back here and take what and who you want?"

I snigger at her, "Don't flatter yourself if you think I want anything from you. I wouldn't touch you with a barge pole if you were the last woman on earth. You aren't exactly an angel yourself either Katie, you've got your fair share of skeletons in the cupboard...., literally. How many now is it?"

She moves her horse trying to block me in by the wall as she bends down closer to me. I can hear the venom in her voice, "Why don't you just get lost Robert instead of coming here playing your games and getting up-to whatever dodgy deals you have going on. You dare try anything with me or Andy and mark my words, you'll be sorry; I'm on-to you."

I watch her ride off down the field. Katie and her paranoia don't scare me in the least, but she is going to be an added complication I could do without if I have to watch out for her sticking her nose in and snooping around.

I need relaxing after that little encounter, I head off in the other direction and do another 5 miles.

TBC


	6. Jam And Milk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Day 5 in Emmerdale - Robert enjoys the time together with Aaron whilst re-building the wall.

Aaron

I have managed to skive off from the garage early as it was quiet, so I can help Robert up at the farm for the last few hours before it gets dark.

I am a bit later going up to find Robert than I intended because Milly had roped me into helping make jam with Moira who supplies regular batches to the village shop. Jem is in the car seat on the counter top, sleeping. Milly is hilarious to watch, she can be a right bossy little madam; no two guesses where she gets that from. I'm not sure Robert will be too impressed though when he sees she seems to have got more jam over herself than in some of the jars; there will definitely be an unscheduled bath night tonight.

Moira had quickly cottoned on to how attached I am to both the girls already and the same for them with me. She had been teasing me, though my look did tell her that maybe calling me daddy Aaron wasn't the best idea in the world she'd had; fortunately Milly hadn't heard her. I just know that I will get a ribbing from Adam when he hears about all this.

Apparently James had taken Robert up on the quad bike earlier, but had needed it for other jobs around the farm. So after extracting myself from jam making duty, I am heading up to the top field; Moira has given me a fresh flask of coffee for him. There's only a couple of hours daylight left now, I couldn't be bothered to get changed so I go up in my jeans and hoodie.

.

Taking my helmet off when I get up there, I stay sitting, admiring the view as Robert walks down to where I have parked up the quad bike. He has a dirty face from the soil and the dust, with his overalls rolled down and the sleeves wrapped around his waist, his black t-shirt is also covered in dirt. He leans in for a kiss and I naturally oblige, he smells earthy; I like it.

As I get off the quad bike he pulls out the flask of coffee which he has spied on the inside of my hoodie. He has an amused look on his face as he scrapes some jam from my neck with his finger, grinning he shows me his discovery. He licks his finger clean before placing a big sloppy, wet kiss on my lips. I shake my head laughing at him, I have the feeling we might not get too much work done if we carry on like this.

Robert drinks his coffee sitting on the quad bike as I go and see how much progress he has made. He had already started building up the first section, it looks good, but then I wouldn't really have a clue anyway. I take my hoodie off and put it on the quad bike as he comes up behind me wrapping his arms around my waist; his body pressed against mine, he is pushing me, half walking me up the hill with him to the section of wall where he is working.

"Come on you, don't stand around catching flies, you have work to do," he gives me a kiss on my neck as he then goes over to re-start working. I was right though, there isn't much hope of us actually getting anything done. We can hardly keep from teasing each other as we work, little touches all the time; he is in an affectionate mood, constantly coming for little kisses. I'm enjoying that we can just be ourselves together, without worrying about anyone seeing us.

I don't know why, but I sense something has changed with him; he is different somehow, I can't quite put my finger on it. We are like two big kids, fooling around. As he nicks off with the hammer I am using, I end up chasing him; but he drops it and waits for me to catch him and he lets me tackle him to the ground. We are play fighting and he is letting me win; there is no way I would ever beat him in a real fight. He is amazingly quick and very toned, I don't mean in the way that you get from being in the gym too much either.

.

We are wrestling on the ground, half play fighting and half making out. I manage to pull away from him, targeting getting my hammer back when he catches my t-shirt as I am trying to back away from him laughing; he ends up pulling it fully off over my head and I am left holding it in my hands. I react, trying quickly to cover up my scars, but he sees and suddenly stops; becoming more serious.

I turn away from him and start to put my t-shirt back on, but he's standing in front of me before I get chance; so I hold it against my stomach trying to hide the marks from him that way. I refuse to look at him, but he puts his hand to my face and turns it back to him; he looks at me intently as he moves my hand away from my stomach. I don't know why I don't want him to see, if we had slept together last night he would have known anyway. I suppose I was just unprepared for him seeing like this. I don't resist him and let my arms fall to my side, still holding the t-shirt in my hand.

He puts his hand to my neck and kisses me softly on the lips. His hand glides slowly down my front and I feel his fingers tracing the scars gently; he stops me as I try and look away again and kisses me. He stares into my eyes and pulls me close to him; moving his hand from my stomach, he lets it fall to his side. We just stay like that for a moment until he takes the t-shirt from my hand and puts it on over my head and pulls it down. Grabbing my hand, he bends down, picks up the dropped hammer and we walk back up-to the wall. He didn't ask me anything or mention them as we continued working, but it wasn't something hanging in the air either; it feels completely comfortable with him.

We actually do a bit of work for a while, we still play a little, but not as boisterous as before until it is time to pack everything up and finish for the day.

.

After packing everything up to take back down to the farm with us, I am sitting on the quad bike waiting whilst Robert finishes the last of the coffee; he does like his coffee. He screws the top back on the flask and comes over to me; whilst resting his hand on the central section in-between the handlebars, he leans into kiss me. He starts to stand back up but I pull him back down to me and we continue kissing, our tongues exploring and pushing deeper, ever more needy. I don't want to stop and as he once more tries to stand up straight, with my hands holding onto the back of his neck, I pull him down to me to again. He gives in and puts his leg over and sits down straddling me on the back of the quad bike, sitting with his back to the handle bars.

He cups his hand around the back of my neck, my hands are all over him and he is pushing his hips against me, I can feel how hard he is as he grinds into me. I know he said he wasn't ready and I don't want to push him further than he wants to go, but I get the impression I am not the first guy he has been with. I don't think it is a fear of having sex that is what's holding him back from going further with me. I have seen him with his guard down and had a glimpse inside of what makes him tick. No, it is something else; something more personal.

Robert is very intense when he is turned on, we both are; I can't wait to find out what it is like to make love to him. I want to know what he tastes like, so I decide to take the risk to see how far he will let me go here and now.

.

I push him off me so he is sitting on the quad bike itself and I slide us both as far as possible to the back of the seat. He is looking at me intently, his eyes never leave mine as I push his upper body backwards so it is laying horizontal on the seat; his head resting on the central column between the handle bars. His legs are either side of the bike, his feet resting on the ground. I start to rub his dick through his overalls, his whole body is responding to my touch. I pull him back up and kiss his neck then slowly I push him back down again; as his body lowers, the lower I work my way down kissing his front through his t-shirt, until I get to his crotch, where my hand has been rubbing.

His breathing is becoming more irregular as he lets me continue to massage his shaft. He lets out a moan, throwing his head back as I lean down and kiss up and down his dick; I can feel him twitching through his clothing. My hands wander over his body, up over his t-shirt and then back down along his inner thighs, moving back up-to his crotch as I continue to kiss.

.

I have pushed him so he is a little more centred on the seat. His head is now hanging down backwards over the front of the handlebars so it is resting on the headlamp, his body is arching up, wanting more; I can no longer see his face. I'm very conscious still of last night, but I sense that he won't stop me; he is thinking with his body now and not his brain, he's far too turned-on to stop me.

I start to unbutton his overalls, my hands pushing the material to the side out of the way, so I now have access to his shorts. I lean over and kiss his stomach through his t-shirt and then slowly start to kiss my way down to his dick where my mouth continues to kiss. I pull the material of his shorts down with my fingers and I hesitate to see if he stops me, my mouth hovering so he can feel my breath on his exposed shaft. He arches upwards even more, giving me the chance to pull his shorts down far enough to be out of the way; I can now get to him fully. My arms move up and I let them rest on his stomach as I bend over and take him in my mouth, tasting his pre-cum already.

I play first with just his head, he moans as I tease him a little while, licking up and down and kissing before I take him fully all the way down to the base. He moves his arms up, his hands now gripping to the handlebars on each side of the quad bike. I hear him gasp as he pushes up into my mouth, he is moaning loudly as he moves in sync with my mouth as I suck, lick and kiss. My right hand starts to play with his balls and I move my mouth kissing, sucking and playing with them before moving back to his dick. I kiss back up his naval, getting my breath back a moment, but he moves his hands to my head and pushes me back down to take his length once more, his hands hold me to him so long that I almost gag, but he relaxes his hands enough to allow me to continue sucking.

I can sense he is getting very close as I move my hand to his shaft, alternating between fast and slow; I try to keep him on the edge for as long as I can, just like he had with me. I lean over once more and take him in my mouth, his hips are bouncing up and down, fucking my mouth in quick short thrusts. I move my middle finger and slide it under him. I wait, letting him get as close as I dare as I continue to suck until I push into his hole, sending him over the edge; his body shuddering as he comes in my mouth. I can't help feel satisfied when he lets out an uncontrolled cry of pleasure as he releases his load. His hands are now gripping onto my head as if for dear life, his body straining as the orgasm flows through him in waves.

.

When he has finished I sit back up and watch him start to recover. It is just beginning to get dark, but I can see his chest moving up and down with his breathing. His head is still hanging back down between the handlebars so I can't see the expression on his face. He slides us both back down the bike seat a little so that he can bring his head up and wraps his arms around me; I am laying with my head resting on his chest, my face turned on its side so I can see over the valley. He slides his right hand up my back and neck, his fingers move up through my hair, stroking until after a little while he lets his hand rest on my head as we hold each other.

Eventually he sits us both up, although it's almost properly dark now I can see his eyes glistening as we have a final lingering kiss. He gets up and pulls his overalls back on properly, picks up the bag of tools and passes them to me. As he sits back down on the quad bike he turns to me and grins, "I'll let you think of a reason and tell them why we are so late back," he then faces forward, starts the engine and drives us back down to the farm.

.

*-*-*

The man hidden in the undergrowth, watching them from a distance, sits up as Robert and Aaron drive out of sight. He doesn't rush to follow, he knows they are going back to the farm. He's finished his assignment here, it's time to report back because if his leader wants to speak with this man then he needs to do it sooner than currently planned. He had today confirmed the rumours that Sugden resigned yesterday, rumour has it that Sugden is going home. Watching him just now re-confirms a part of the reason why. For a moment he mulls over what he has learned in the last few days, he won't report what he has seen just now; his leader is not as tolerant when it comes to such things and it's not relevant anyway.

TBC

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone for all the positive feedback and kudos, each comment is very much appreciated and motivating. I am travelling a lot this next week so not quite sure when I will post next, but latest by next weekend for sure.
> 
> For those of you who read my previous fic, you will know already that I like the drama, keeping a few surprises back to throw at you, lots of angst and basically to put the boys through the emotional wringer. I have given this story a much slower and more gentle build, but now its coming......  
> Hope you Enjoy!  
> Caro


	7. Bedtime

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Day 5 in Emmerdale - evening. Robert starts to open up to Aaron about his past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posted chapters 7 and 8 together.
> 
> I have been so busy I haven't written as much as I had planned. I was originally going to post three chapters together, but after last night's leak of Soaplife I think there is enough angst around; so I am just posting the two and I'll post the start of the angst during the week.

Robert

Aaron was right, I wasn't too impressed with the state of Milly when I saw her. To avoid getting blackberry jam stains all over the car, I have to cadge a sheet to wrap her in and then we drive back to the pub; even then I'm not sure it did the trick. I couldn't be too cross with Moira for letting her get into this state though, Milly is happy and at the moment that matters more than anything else.

Back at the pub, we are left in peace, just me and the girls. They have already realised I like to spend some time during the day with them on my own; tonight it's our unscheduled bath time. I bath Jem at the same time as Milly, finding it relaxing listening to her chat away telling me how to make blackberry jam and about everything that she got up to at the farm. She then drops a mini-bombshell of a question, "Daddy....?"

I am busy drying off Jem and wrapping her in a towel and I look back at Milly who has her arms folded on the side of the bath; she is resting her chin on her hands peering up at me, "Mmmh, what Milly?"

"Will Aaron be our daddy too?"

It's not often that I am lost for words, but just for a second, I am exactly that; but I'll just see where this goes first, "What makes you ask that?"

"Well, Aunty Moira kept calling him 'daddy Aaron'."

I assume that Moira had been winding Aaron up, because there is no way in hell that he said it and Milly is smart but she hasn't seen anything between us for her to suspect that we are more than friends. I smile to myself, I can definitely have some fun with this later, "I'll tell you what Milly, when we've finished, why don't you ask him yourself?" I can't wait for the look on his face for that one.

.

By the time we go into the back room, both girls are clean, smelling of baby powder and changed ready for bed. Milly jumps on top of Aaron, waving a pack of cards at him. I smirk at him, that's another little present courtesy of me; I leave them to it as I go make up Jem's next lot of formula.

Chas comes up for her break and makes a cup of tea, amused as she watches Milly and Aaron finish up the last game of snap; it's difficult to tell which of them is the biggest kid as it gets more heated and competitive. Aaron is naturally good with children and he's such a big softie, Milly soon persuades him to read her bed-time story. She doesn't actually give him a choice really, she just plonks herself down on his knee, book already chosen. Then just as Aaron is about to start reading, she drops the question; the look on Aarons face is priceless, even better is the look on Chas' face. Milly is actually expecting a real answer not quite understanding why Chas and I are laughing, "No Milly, that was just Aunty Moira having some fun, I'm just Aaron."

He looks at me and Chas saying, "I'm going to kill Moira."

I wind him up even more after Chas goes back down into the bar as I lean over the top of the sofa and whisper in his ear, "Don't worry daddy Aaron, it'll be all round the pub by the end of the night." Ah.... if looks could kill.

For now I quit teasing him and go to put Jem down, leaving Aaron to read Milly her bed-time story. I wonder what Chas would say and just how amused she would still be if she knew what was going on between us. She might have been thawing towards me since I arrived, but I don't think she would be too impressed if she knew we are quickly becoming more than just friends. 

I sort out the rest of Jem's stuff in the kitchen, Milly is struggling to keep her eyes open so Aaron carries her and puts her into bed. I go to kiss her goodnight and tuck her in, whilst he goes downstairs to get us a couple of pints.

.

Once back upstairs in my room, I close the door behind me to avoid prying eyes; Aaron is on my bed, sitting up resting against the pillows propped up behind him.

I go sit opposite him at the other end of the bed, leaning against the bedstead and we start to play footsie, which soon descends into quiet giggling. Our playing starts to get a little out of control and after almost spilling our pints for the second time, we pack it in. I move closer-in to him, sitting cross-legged by his side.

I look at him, my face a little more serious now, "I want to tell you something." I can see a fleeting look of panic crossing his face, but he doesn't say anything, waiting for me to continue, "When I went to work the day before yesterday, I went to resign...., I requested to be released from my regiment." I paused a moment whilst he absorbed what I had said, "I got the verbal confirmation this morning; it still has to be confirmed in writing, but they will release me early because of family circumstances. Amanda dying...., Milly, Jem....., I don't want them to lose me as well. Because I have the girls to look after, they will let me take compassionate leave until the paperwork comes through." I go quiet and a little thoughtful before looking back at him. 

"Regiment? So you're a solider?"

I nod, "Joined up right after I left Emmerdale, never planned to be in more than the three years; found out I was good at it, I enjoyed it. Who'd have thought it eh?"

"You've not told anyone though, not Diane or anyone?"

"No, I haven't spoken to my family in years, I wasn't even sure when I rang Diane the other night if she'd take me in. It was.... well, not the best of circumstances when I left and you can see how it is with Andy and Katie even now after all this time. I still haven't told anyone from around here."

.

"Last night, it wasn't because I didn't want to and I'm not ashamed. There's just stuff gone on this last few months that I need to sort out in my head first before I start something with anyone and well, this between us, it's kind of caught me by surprise. Some crap happened, I haven't been dealing with it very well and we haven't known each other more than a couple of days. I needed to be sure it's what I want and if you'd seen....." I let my words trail off, not quite finishing; for some reason I can't look at him.

Aaron sits forward, putting his hand on my knee, "And you're sure now? I mean today you let me....., you know.....?"

I look back to him and shrug, "I wanted to wait for the confirmation they would release me early; it's time to come home, re-build my family. Being here has made me realise Emmerdale's a part of that and....., well, I like you....., we could you know, be together....., if you want?" I stop, realising I am rambling on like a nervous idiot asking someone out on a first date. I take a breath and say what I mean, "I would like you to be a part of my life here as well?" I have no idea what he is thinking, but I have to smile at him, "I mean you did annoy the crap out of me at first, but I couldn't get you out of my head and those gorgeous blue eyes of yours do for me every time." 

I grin seeing that I've made him blush; I move to straddle him and rest my hands down by either side of him. I lean over and raising my right hand I brush his lips with my fingers very lightly, "I can't resist your lips...., and definitely not that hot mouth of yours," pushing him backwards, I lean over and kiss him. Being with Aaron makes me happy, just being in the same room as him makes me happy and I haven't felt like this for a very long time.

I give him another quick kiss and get up, I walk over to Jem's cot. I quietly stare at her and then out of the window, the rain is now bouncing down outside, lashing against the window pane distracting my thoughts. Things are moving quickly between us, but it doesn't scare me, it should but it doesn't; I had practically fallen in love with Aaron the moment I had laid eyes on him. I want to tell him everything, or at least as much as I am allowed to, there's a lot Aaron nor my family will never know.

I stroke Jem's cheek and then stand back up straight and look back at Aaron, "I don't know if she's mine." Aaron's eyes widened, startled at what I had just said.

TBC

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I know practically nothing about how the British Army works beyond reading novels and watching films, I will take some artistic licence versus reality to fit how I want the story to go. So please ignore anything that wouldn't happen in the real world.


	8. A Handful

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Day 5 in Emmerdale - evening. Robert lets Aaron in!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posted chapters 7 and 8 together.

Robert

I look at Jem sleeping peacefully. Before I came home, I had been very conflicted about how I felt about her; but not anymore. "Amanda had an affair, it didn't go on for long, but long enough and the timing makes it....., unclear."

"You could do a paternity test?"

"I don't want to....., I don't need to know; as far as I'm concerned I'm her dad." I pause a moment, "It's a bit more complicated. The other guy....., he was my best friend and his wife, she is....., was close to Amanda. She found out....., she was the one that told me otherwise I might never have known. I don't think hardly anyone else knows, they were very discreet."

"So where is he now, doesn't he want anything to do with her?"

"He's dead," I paused, I'll never forget that day, "IED....., he was blown to pieces right in front of me. It was the week after I had found out and we weren't on speaking terms to put it mildly." 

I go back over and sit on the bed, hugging my knees in front of me, resting my chin on them, "I get angry because there's no-one to blame and I get angry because my best friend was killed like that...., despite everything I miss him....., I miss both of them."

"Things hadn't been going well with Amanda for a while. It's not easy being married to someone in the army, it can get lonely and I don't talk much about when I'm deployed; we'd drifted apart. That doesn't mean I can forgive or excuse it, Amanda knew the deal, her family was army; but it had just changed between us, no-one's fault really." I look at him directly in his eyes, "People around here would probably find it hard to believe, but I was never unfaithful to her, not once in all the time we were together."

.

I stand up to undo the buttons of my shirt and take it off, letting it fall on the floor; he looks at the scars on my body. He comes and sits on the edge of the bed, I am stood in between his legs. I watch him run his fingers over them, "They aren't too bad now, I took some shrapnel from the IED, nothing serious. It was another reason for not letting you see though, you would have asked questions and I didn't want to lie and I don't know....., I wasn't ready to tell you." His eyes and fingers move to some of the other marks on my body, but I shake my head, "Those are from other stuff, maybe stories for another time." Aaron didn't push further, he put his hands on my waist and kisses my stomach.

I sit beside him, "I wouldn't blame you if you want to run a mile, if you don't want to get into anything serious; I mean you weren't expecting me to be here more than a few days. We don't need to move things quick, it's a lot to take on board, I come with a whole load of baggage and a ready-made family." I stop as I'm babbling again.

Aaron doesn't hesitate, "What do you think you idiot? You already know I want more."

His reaction last night in the kitchen had given away how he feels, I knew then he wants to be with me as much as I want to be with him. Aaron is very different to me, he wears his heart on his sleeve; whereas me, I don't let people see me so easily. Aaron has already seen more of the real me than many people get to see in a lifetime. That said, I'm not sure he's really thought about what he would be letting himself in for. I nudge him with my elbow, "Personally, I think you'd be mad; Sugden's are hard work, or so I've been told."

He just laughs at that, "You've met the Dingle family right?"

.

I want to know more about him, he was just a scrawny kid when I left, "You went back to live with your dad right?"

"Yeah, then moved back here. I was too much of a handful."

This made me laugh, my mind moving immediately to the gutter; I push him back on the bed and straddle him, my hand moves to his crotch and I grab hold. I just couldn't resist after a comment like that, question time can wait until later. "You still are," and I start to massage his crotch through his jeans. He watches me with an amused look, daring me to keep going and well, when a Sugden wants something we don't need a second invitation. I bend over and kiss him through his jeans, he then pushes my face into him.

I sit back up and glance round to check that Jem is asleep, for some weird reason it wouldn't feel right doing anything in front of her if she were awake. He starts to unbutton my jeans and kisses my naval, I let him move me so I am on my back. It's going to be fun finding out which one of us, if at all, is the dominant one; I have a feeling we are going to switch between bottom and top depending on our moods. We have already seen that we can both be feisty and I think it's going to be a little like that in the bedroom; it's for sure not going to be boring with Aaron.

He hovers over me, holding himself up by his arms either side of me, I stare into his eyes, they are unbelievably beautiful; it feels like they can see right into my soul. How can I feel like this about someone I hardly know, yet it feels like we belong together. Sometimes you just have to take a chance, I have seen too often how life can be cut short or forever altered in the blink of a moment and Aaron is something special; I sense that much already.

.

Aaron kisses either side of my neck, sometimes just letting his mouth linger over my skin, almost touching, but not quite so that I can feel his breath. The sensation from this simple action alone is turning me on like you wouldn't believe and then we kiss, softly but tongues playing. He gently bites my bottom lip a little and then moves to my right nipple, biting and licking. He is so sensual, that I want to lose myself in his touch....., in him; it feels like we are the only two people in the world as he lays on top of me and we kiss once more whilst rubbing our bodies together. He kneels back up and takes off his t-shirt. His skin is so soft as I slide my hands up his back, he lies back on top of me, our tongues are playing a little game, each pushing against the other. He starts to kiss down my body until he reaches the top of my jeans, he unbuttons them and his tongue continues teasing above the top of my shorts; I moan as I rest my hands on his head.

He runs his hands all over my torso as he kisses up my side and I can't help but let out another moan, then he moves back off me and pulls my jeans and shorts off completely, letting them drop at the side of the bed. He takes his jeans off and undies all in one movement so we are both naked as he climbs back on top of me and we go back to kissing, ever more passionately as he kisses into my neck. My hands are wandering all over his back, down over his arse and up again where I rest them on the back of his neck a moment; then I continue, running my fingers up through his hair. There is a neediness and craving in my touch, I want to feel all of him as my hands caress up and down his arms; he moves back down to my dick where he licks up my shaft with his tongue. My breathing is changing with the sensation and the wetness of his tongue as his circles round and round my head until he has me gasping, wanting more, but he won't let me push in. I let Aaron take total control as his pulls me into his mouth; I can't help myself as I push upwards, needing the warm wetness, telling him, "Deeper, take me all the way," and I cry out in pleasure as he does, my back arching and my hands holding tightly onto his arms.

.

He moves back a little onto his knees, his hand around my dick. He is stroking up and down but in a twisting movement, my dick in his mouth at the same time following his hand, sucking up and down. I'm gasping uncontrollably; shit....., he's very good at this. He then just strokes me with his hand slowing it down, now looking at me looking at him, smiling at me, "Do you like, you want me to stop?"

His smile is even wider as I tell him, "Don't you dare, don't you dare fucking stop," he moves his hands both playing with each of my nipples as he now sucks me with his mouth, the movement is amazing. He either had one hell of a teacher or he is a natural, this is even better than this afternoon. He pushes my legs back and sucks and plays with my balls and then moves to my hole, licking, but not pushing in. His hand now moves to jerking my dick with a nice slow movement, at the same time his mouth alternates between my hole, my balls and licking up and down my dick, he doesn't stop. I dont remember ever feeling this much pleasure simply from someone's mouth and tongue. I can't keep up with the sensations, my body is writhing, completely out of my control and my hands are gripping onto the bed sheets under me.

"Turn over, I want to taste all of you," I do as I am told, so I am now on my knees; my arse facing towards him. My face is buried in the pillow and I am still gripping on to the bed sheets; he is stroking my dick, pulling it backwards underneath me whilst rubbing over my hole with his other hand, inbetween kissing it. He finally gives me what I want as he pushes in with his tongue and my body jerks in reaction; I have my eyes closed now and all I feel is his tongue and his hand driving me ever closer.

Feeling guilty for all the attention I am receiving I try and reach for him, but he pushes my hand away; I don't argue with him. I am pressing my face into the pillow to muffle my moans which are getting louder; his finger is circling my hole, "Can I?"

I manage a breathless, "Yes," and he pushes in first with just one and then very quickly with a second finger; I arch my back as the stab of pain rushes through me, it then very quickly changes to be more pleasure than pain. My hand reaches back and he lets me stroke his dick which is rock hard; he starts to moan. I pull his dick towards my hole, trying to push it inside; but Aaron is still holding back, making me wait. I don't want anything now except him inside me, "Get inside me, I want you inside me Aaron, please I need to feel you, all of you." I move my body back and forth, feeling his dick teasing round my hole; he lets it push in a little, not far, but enough for me to start getting used to the sensation and I am desperately trying to push it in further with my hands and my body, but he keeps stopping me. He reaches over for a condom and rolls it on his dick hardly stopping his movement.

.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, shit yes." I am practically begging, my hands and body frantically trying to push him inside me, "I want you to fuck me, fuck me deep and hard."

He pushes in slowly but I am so tight that I cry out loudly from the sharp stab of pain and have to bite down into the pillow as he pushes fully inside, going as deep in as possible. He holds still for a moment until he senses I am ready and then starts to fuck me; not too fast at first to let me get used to him. As I loosen up, I start to push back harder and the speed increases. After a while he pulls out and flips me over onto my back, we kiss deep and frantic and then he sits back holding my thighs to the side as he start to fuck me deep with a fairly fast but steady rhythm; I am so close, it's been quite a while since I had sex. I start to jerk myself, trying to hold out for as long as I can but his fucking is now so intense and he is hitting my prostate in just the right spot that I can't hold it. I come all over my stomach, groaning as Aaron keeps pumping me to prolong my orgasm for as long as possible. My body is jerking and all my muscles tightening as I try absorb the wave of ecstasy going through me.

He is still inside me, grinding slowly but very deep as he watches me continue to react to him. I start to calm down and knowing exactly how I want to make him come, I push him out of me and roll off the condom. I lay on my back half sitting up against the pillows and I pull him to come and lay in my arms; I position him at a slight angle, with my left arm around his shoulders supporting him and I jerk him off with my right hand. It doesn't take hardly any time for him to come and when he does, he whispers, "Fuck, fuck." He tries to lift himself forward and I love holding him back, feeling him push against me as he gasps, his body straining. He moans and cries out so loudly that I have to put my hand over his mouth as he comes to keep him quiet. As the orgasm subsides, he relaxes into me; I scoop up some of his come and taste it, whilst he rubs the rest into his body. He stays laying in my arms like this, we occasionally kiss as we both come down from the high of the sex.

.

After we have both fully recovered, we sneak into the bathroom and clean ourselves up a little; Aaron makes us some drinks whilst I do my best to distract him. We go back to bed and lay together again, I love the feeling of his body next to mine; we lay the same as before with him in between my legs, leaning back against my front.

I kiss the top of Aaron's head, he looks up at me, "This wasn't your first time with a guy was it?"

"No."

TBC


	9. Curious

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Day 5 - 6 in Emmerdale: Aaron and Robert continue to tell each other more about themselves and Katie sees something she shouldn't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posted chapters 9 - 11 together.
> 
> WARNING: Mention of self -harm and assisted suicide.

Aaron - Day 5 in Emmerdale - Evening

I know Robert had a reputation for sleeping around but there was never any hint he was into guys. I move from Robert's arms and turn onto my side so I can look at him, resting my head in my hand, my arm leaning at an angle on the bed; I have to ask, "Not with anyone from round here though?"

He smiled at me, "No, I'd always known I was....., I don't know....., 'curious' about what it was like to be with a guy, but there wasn't anyone around here back then that turned my head enough to bother finding out. Then in basic training, there was this guy I fancied and we had a thing; it wasn't ever anything more than just sex, but I knew after that I liked it. I had my usual string of girlfriends and then one-night stands with guys on the side; it was always more intense, raw with them, but I never really thought about being with a guy for anything more than the sex." Robert pushed me onto my back and climbed on top of me, smirking, "Don't worry, I can still be a slut when I want to be," he kissed my neck, moving up-to my ear and I go all tingly as he pushes his body against mine.

I laugh, pushing him off and go back to laying on my side again, "So why was Amanda the one?"

"I s'pose it takes one to know one, we were a lot alike in many ways. We both had family stuff we were running away from and it was like she could read my mind; she called me out on my games before I had even started."

"Was it enough?"

"What, with Amanda?"

"Yeah"

He thinks about it before answering, "I was very bitter after I left Emmerdale, the army changes you, but outside that I was still a complete knob most of the time. Amanda gave me boundaries and what I needed back then; love, stability....., family; it was unconditional but she challenged me and didn't put up with my shit. When Milly was born, I promised myself that I would never let her feel about our family like I felt about mine." He slides down so he is more laying than sitting, moving his head closer to mine, he strokes my cheek, "You had crap with your lot, you know what I mean?"

I nod, I know exactly what he means and its clear they had each loved each other in their own way; I don't get the impression that he was with her to hide that he is also into guys.

.

On and off Robert has been tracing his fingers over a couple of my scars as we were talking, but he looks into my eyes when he asks, "Did you do these?"

I nod, "You're not the only one with baggage," I turn so I am laying on my back to avoid his gaze and I go quiet.

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want," he moves his hand to my face and just like this afternoon turns it to look at him.

"I killed someone.....," I shake my head, frustrated with myself; I still find it hard talking about my past and especially Jackson, "I killed the only person I have ever been in love with." I move to lay in Robert's arms, partly so I don't have to look at him, but mostly because I need to feel him hold me. "I found it hard coming out and lashed out at everyone; I beat Paddy up and the guy I met, Jackson, I bashed him as well." I bury my head into Robert's chest for a minute and let out a deep breath, "I didn't want to be gay, I tried to kill myself."

I tilt my head so I can look at him, "We were just getting stuff back on track and I screwed it all up again. We had a big argument because I couldn't tell him how I felt, I didn't understand what love was. He ended it and drove off...., he had an accident....., it was bad, really bad."

.

I have to stop as I feel a tear run down my cheek, I brush it away with my hand. Robert is watching me intently which I find unnerving, but having got this far I continue, "The accident changed everything, he was paralysed from the neck down. He....., he couldn't accept it and we weren't enough, he asked us to help him die; he had it all planned out, right down to the last detail." I think back to our trip to Whitby and how hopeful I had felt until Jackson had said it didn't change anything; I had been so angry with him.

"We?"

"Hazel, his mum. He didn't let up about it, she gave in first.....; he was so unhappy, she couldn't bear it and knew better than me that he wasn't going to change his mind. I didn't want to let him go and I fought it for a quite a while, but I gave in eventually."

Another tear falls down my cheek, "I gave him the drink that killed him, Hazel couldn't do it; he had begged us over and over." It's been such a long time since I talked about it, I can't stop the tears and I quietly cry in his arms; Robert holds me tight. When I finally stop, I finish telling him, "I was arrested for murder, I got off but that just made it worse. I had sat there listening to everyone give evidence, Jackson's video and all I could think was that I gave in too easy, I should have fought harder; I never expected them to let me go I suppose. As far as I was concerned, in my head it wasn't assisted suicide, it was murder and I should have gone to prison."

.

I put my hand down to his and move his fingers to the first cut I made, "This was the first...., I did a few different things to hurt myself, but it was the cutting that worked the best; nothing else helped the same. Mum caught me once, I just kept pushing her away; but she didn't give up on me, not her or Paddy. Eventually I went to counselling; I don't know if I'd be alive now if they hadn't got through to me." I look at him nervously, wondering if this changes things for him. "Maybe it's you who wants to run a mile away from me?"

Robert rolls me onto the bed, leans over me and kisses along the scar, "You don't get rid of me that easy Livesy, besides I'd have to find someone else who can get Jem to sleep.....," he grins mischievously, "and sucks.....," I push him onto his back and kiss him to shut him up. We snog for a while, then he lays on his side resting his head on my shoulder and hand on my stomach, "Can I ask a question?"

I feel drained after all we had talked about, "Depends....."

"If you knew then what you know now, would you still do it?"

No-one had ever asked me that, not even mum, but I had thought about it sometimes, "Yes, it was what he wanted."

We are quiet for a while, each lost in our own thoughts. I had been dozing with my eyes closed when I feel Robert lift himself to look at the clock and then over at Jem's cot, "She'll be awake soon."

He lays back down and pulls me to him and kisses me; I kiss him back and we keep kissing until Jem wakes, soft lingering kisses, hands caressing. He fed Jem sitting in bed, I must have fallen asleep because I don't remember him putting her back down or getting back into bed.

.

*-*-* Day 6 in Emmerdale - Late Morning *-*-*

Chas looks up at the clock as Katie walks into the bar, "You're early."

"I know, it hasn't stopped raining all morning, it's so depressing and according to the forecast its going to bounce it down all week."

"Well I have just the thing to cheer you up. You know how we were talking about maybe going away for the weekend for your hen do, somewhere warm and sunny? Well I think I have found just the place. You want your usual?"

"Yes please. Sounds good, I could do with a bit of sunshine just about now."

Chas goes over to serve a group of walkers who have just walked in to escape from the rain, she looks back across at Katie, "I printed it out for you but I left it upstairs on my bed. Go up and fetch it if you like whilst I serve these and then we can have a look."

Chas goes back to serving and Katie goes through the bar, upstairs and into Chas' room. She sees the print out on the bed and picks it up; about to go back downstairs, she hears Robert who sounds like he is on the phone. Katie tiptoes quietly onto the landing and seeing the door to his room is slightly ajar; curious, she peeks in as far as she dare. He is leaning against the wall by the window, his back to the door, looking out into the rain; Katie can't resist the temptation to listen in on the conversation.

.

"Yeah, but then I'm out. I told them... it's too dangerous and I have to think of the girls now; I have to do this one last job and then I get to take the money and run." Robert laughs, "Yeah... I know.... don't know, you know how it works. Cheers mate, I owe you."

Robert ends the call and Katie steps back away from the door but can still just about see through at the side with the hinges. Katie holds her breath in anticipation as she sees Robert take out the duffel bag she had seen him with before from under his bed. He pulls out a metal box, which after unlocking and opening, she holds in a gasp as she sees him take out a handgun and put it on the bed, he then takes out a second one and what looks like boxes of bullets.

Katie daren't move and works even harder to hold her breath, everything suddenly seems deathly quiet now he has finished the call. Robert's phone rings again and she hears him answer; this time it sounds more like a girlfriend from how he is talking. Katie sees Robert come towards the door, as quickly and as quietly as possible she steps to the side standing with her back flat against the wall; she sighs with relief as he closes the door.

Before running out of luck and gets caught lurking, Katie hurries back downstairs to carry on the hen weekend discussions with Chas.

.

*-*-* Day 6 in Emmerdale - Evening *-*-*

"I'm telling you Andy, he had guns; two of them in his bedroom and bullets. He was having some dodgy phone call, talking about taking the money and running."

"Don't you think you are getting a bit ahead of yourself, I mean are you sure they are even real?" Andy can't imagine Robert getting himself mixed up in guns and that kind of trouble, he's too smart for that.

Katie looked at him with a withering stare, "They looked pretty damn real to me and who goes around with guns like that anyway, fake or real. I'll bet that neither Diane and Chas know he has them in the in the pub. Also according to Chas he isn't seeing anyone but I'd swear he was on the phone after to some girlfriend or other, the way he was cooing down the phone."

Andy is beginning to lose patience with her interest in Robert since he came back, "Just listen to yourself Katie, anyone would think you are jealous. Look, we should talk to him before jumping to any conclusions; we don't know what he does, it might be all legal."

Katie laughs at him, "On what planet would Robert be one of the good guys and exactly, you saw how cagey he was about his work. I'm telling you Andy, he is up-to no good; somebody needs to do something before someone gets hurt."

"I'm warning you keep out of it Katie, he'll be gone soon enough; he is only here for a few days to get sorted with the kids. I really think he's changed; maybe being a father has made him settle down, it did me."

"People like him don't change Andy, they just get better at hiding it."

TBC


	10. Best Laid Plans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Day 7: Robert has had to leave for a couple of days and the pub gets unexpected visitors.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posted chapters 9 - 11 together.
> 
> SFO = Serious Firearms Officer

*-*-* Emmerdale - 5.40 am*-*-*

The three man team watch nervously as a number of police cars appear and surround the Woolpack, who after preparing then silently move in to raid the pub. 

This puts a very serious dent in the plans, the only positive at the moment is that the police are raiding the pub and not here for them. Their instructions had been clear and it should have been an easy job; lift the oldest daughter from her room, nice and quiet, no fuss. She would be on her own, the only risk was the father's boyfriend, which is why they had waited for him to leave and go to the farm.

Now they would have to find another way to get her in time. None of them wanted to be the one to have to tell their leader about this, he doesn't respond well to failure. They still have time though, lift the girl in the next few hours, make the video and send it off in time and it would all be okay; he wouldn't need to know about this unexpected set-back.

.

Aaron - 7.15am

"What's wrong with you this morning?"

I can't stop yawning away as Moira is dishing out breakfast, Andy comes in and sits at the table as I'm downing my second mug of coffee, "Didn't get much sleep."

Andy gives me that knowing look, "Oh yeah?"

"Nothing like that, Robert left yesterday, he had to go to work again for a couple of days so I slept in Jem's room. I kept waking up every time she made a noise and then couldn't seem to go back to sleep."

Moira smiles at me, saying, "Ahhhh, I remember the days, the nervous first time at home with a new born, jumping at every little noise and movement, worrying if something was wrong."

I frowned at her, knowing she is trying to wind me up, "Yeah, Jem's not mine though, normally once I'm asleep you can't wake me for love nor money until the alarm goes."

Moira laughs at me about to say something else sarcastic no doubt when the phone rings, I help myself to some toast as she answers. I left for the farm just after five-thirty this morning, don't think I hardly slept at all last night. Milly had woken twice earlier on, but mum had seen to her; Jem was probably the same as normal, just without Robert there I seemed to hear her every noise.

.

I am pulled from my thoughts by Moira on the phone, "Cain's there already right?" Both Andy and me are looking at her now, we can tell something's up, "They didn't find anything though?" I couldn't catch anything that was being said on the other end, but it sounded like Diane, "We're on our way, yes I'll tell them."

Andy had already picked up the keys and we go to the land rover as Moira tells us what she knows, "The pub's been raided by the police." Andy revs the engine and drives off at speed towards the village, "Diane said they were looking for guns, searched the whole place, armed police and everything."

Andy and I look across at each other stunned as Andy asks, "Did they find anything?"

Before Moira can answer the seven thirty local news comes on the radio, "Reports are coming in of a raid in the early hours of this morning in the village of Emmerdale. Firearms officers swooped on the Woolpack pub after receiving a report that guns were on the premises. However, we understand that officers have now come away without uncovering any evidence or weapons; we will have a statement from the police with more details shortly....."

.

After pulling up outside the pub, we rush in. Mum is carrying Milly who is clinging onto her, she is quiet but looks confused and frightened as to what is going on and to be honest mum doesn't look much better, "Are you okay mum, where's Cain?"

Mum nods and gives me quick hug, "In the back with Diane. I'm so pleased you are here, they wouldn't let us call anyone until they finished; I thought they'd never leave." She smiled but I could tell she is very shaken up, "Just a bit of a shock, hey Milly?" who also nods but doesn't say anything. She has her thumb in her mouth which I don't think I have seen her do since she's been here, "She keeps asking for Robert."

I look round the pub, you can tell that it's been searched, with everything out of place, "Does he know?"

Mum shakes her head, "Diane's been trying to get hold of him, but it just keeps going to voicemail. She doesn't want him to hear from the news and worry, plus the police want to speak to him, the girls being his and that he is staying here. They also said they will want to speak to you too." 

Looking at the mess around us, she continues, "I can't for the life of me think why anyone would think we have guns in the pub. It just doesn't make any sense."

The thought crosses my mind if somehow this is to do with Robert, he hadn't told me that he had anything like that at the pub. Thinking about it, he hadn't actually said anything other than he was in the army; he hadn't said where he was based or what regiment he was in. I hadn't asked why he had been called back in when it had seemed everything was already sorted and he was already on leave; I figured he would tell me when he got back. I can hear Jem screaming and we go into the back room; Diane is trying to quieten her without success and she is looking frustrated and stressed, pacing up and down with Jem in her arms, "She won't stop, she won't have any milk, nothing seems to help."

I go to take her, "Give 'er 'ere; you go do whatever you need to do."

Jem starts to calm down more or less as soon as she comes to me and I start shushing her; I can see the relief on everyone's face as the screaming starts to quieten.

Diane comes over and smiles at Jem, now more or less quiet, "You have the touch with her Aaron," which might be partly true, but no-one had seen just how much time I had spent with her and Robert in his room which might just have something to do with it.

.

Diane is putting on a brave face, but I can tell she is as shaken as mum, "I'll take the girls up-to the farm out of your way to let you sort this place out."

"That would be good pet, it's a bit chaotic with everything and I don't know what to think; why would they even suspect we had anything here?"

"Robert got picked up to go to work, so I'll take his car, it's easier with all their stuff and the car seats," Diane just nods as she looks around her at all the mess the police have left behind them.

I check my phone, he had sent a text earlier, but nothing since. I will call him later when we get to the farm, I put my phone down and start to collect their stuff to take with us.

.

Robert - 7.45am - Hereford

There is a knock at the door, interrupting the final briefing before I leave; the Corporal speaks in my direction, "Sir, you need to call home."

"Okay, I just need to go over this one last time with the team."

He hesitates, "Errrm, Sir, SFO's just raided your step-mum's pub." This got my attention and I called a quick break as we go out into the corridor; my team looked at me amused, making a few choice comments.

Out in the corridor I let the Corporal bring me up-to speed, "They tried to pull you up on their systems, but you were flagged; within ten minutes the MOD was all over them. With what's going on your security level's increased even from what you had before; it caused quite the commotion apparently, oh and the Colonel wants to see you."

.

I walk down to the Colonel's office and he shouts me in. The Colonel laughs a little, "I don't think even the Police HQ are quite so used to the weight of so many seniors on their back in such a short space of time, this went all the way to the top. The shit rocketed back down to the local level I can tell you; ah well, can't be helped."

I look at him confused, "Why did they even raid the pub? I don't understand."

"Report from anonymous tip late last night saying guns had been sighted. Hadn't got round to handing yours in?"

I kick myself, there shouldn't have been anyone upstairs yesterday and I only had them out for a minute when I was getting ready to come back down here. Only one person would have reported me like that and I had seen her downstairs with Chas just afterward; I can't stop myself from angrily blurting out, "That stupid interfering cow, can't keep her fucking nose out," then I realise where I am, "Sorry Sir, no Sir."

"Mmmh, well call home Robert, talk with your family; but this doesn't change anything you realise that?" He stares at me seriously, "Robert we can't blow this, it's too big. Getting his intel is a real big deal and there are a lot of exceptionally nervous people in Whitehall under pressure from this. We have just one chance at this and it rests with you. He was very specific when he made contact, he'll only talk to you."

"I realise that Sir."

"The girls will be fine with your family, there was nothing there for them to find which is what has been reported in the news and the local plods have been firmly told you, the pub and everyone you have contact to is off limits.

.

"Sir I'd feel better knowing the girls are safe and I'll want to see them as soon as I get back. Since Amanda died, Milly gets all weird when I'm not there? Can a couple of the lads go fetch them.....?" I hesitate, "and Aaron, he's good with them."

I have known the Colonel a long time and we had always had a bit of an odd relationship, he had been like a surrogate dad for a while when I was younger; not that he would ever admit it. After I had resigned, he had invited me over to the house for a meal with the family; we had had a few beers later where he made one last attempt to get me to change my mind and stay. We had talked about allsorts, but I had also told him about meeting Aaron and that he was part of the reason I was going home.

He looked at me thoughtfully considering my request, I almost thought he was going to say no, but he didn't, "Okay, I'll sort it, tell them to be waiting at the pub. They can stay with us at the house, I'll tell Caroline, she'll enjoy seeing Milly again and you know how she goes all cooey eyed over babies."

"Thank you Sir," I couldn't help grinning at him and he just shook his head at me.

On a more serious note, he asks, "Are you ready? The plan is solid?"

"Yes Sir, as best as possible in such a short space of time." The contact had come completely out of the blue, no-one had expected that I would have to be called back to do a final op.

As I walk back down the corridor to the team, I have the same buzz I always get during every operation. If this goes wrong a world of shit will hit the fan and if I don't make it back, then the girls will be orphans. They will be okay, in my will it's clear that I want them to go to Diane, but I'm very aware that the stakes all round, both here and at home, are higher. I had mentally prepared myself for leaving all this behind, but that aside, everything about this is different, I am different.

.

As Staff Sergeant in command of SAS Red Troop I go back and finish the briefing, it's an intricate plan and a lot could go wrong. A source in Damascus has detailed intelligence of an imminent attack in the UK and he is taking a huge risk passing on the information; his normal security will be ditched and he will be on his own for our meet, making him very vulnerable. He was very specific, he would only meet me and no-one else before disappearing for good.

He had saved my life a few years back and we had fought our way out of a situation; during the few days together we had talked and built a level of trust between us. I had let him go when really I should have brought him in; that bit was not in the official report. His instructions for the meet were complex and challenging to put in place in such a short space of time, but genius.

TBC


	11. Run Milly....., Run!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Day 7: Robert has to leave without being able to speak to Aaron who finds himself in trouble back in Emmerdale.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posted chapters 9 - 11 together.

Robert - 8.30am

After finishing the briefing and the last few preparations, I can finally call home. I had already tried Aaron earlier, but it had gone straight to voicemail; I try him again, he must surely be at the pub, but it still goes straight to voicemail. I call Diane instead, she sounds okay, but I can tell she is in shock. She told me that the girls are fine and that Aaron left a little while ago to take them up-to the farm out of the way; depending where they are the reception can get patchy up there.

I'm not usually this anxious, but I suddenly feel a desperate need to speak to both Milly and Aaron before I head out, "I can't get hold of him, tell him to call me urgently; I have to leave in half hour and I just want to make sure they are all okay, you know how Milly is since Amanda died. Once I've gone, I won't be contactable until I'm back tomorrow; oh and tell him to come back to the pub, someone is coming to pick him and the girls up from there, okay?"

Diane is picking up on my anxiousness, "Robert, you're not in any trouble are you? Are you alright?"

I know she might be connecting my weirdness to the raid, probably thinking the worst, but I don't have time now and I don't want to explain over the phone. "I'm fine, it's all okay I promise, I just want the girls....., and Aaron to be here when I get back. I'll explain everything when we get home in a couple of days, I promise. Just make sure he comes back to the pub soon as," even if Diane thinks this all sounds a bit odd, she doesn't say anything.

"Have you tried Andy? He went back home to get some tools and he left with Aaron, maybe they're with him?"

"I'll try him now," I look at my watch, "Look I have to go, just pass him the messages; please Diane it's really important to me." I end the call and dial Andy's, it goes to voicemail on his mobile and answer-phone at the house. I even ring up at the farm, but that goes to answer-phone. I had heard Cain's voice in the background at the pub, so no point calling him. I call the garage, but Debbie hasn't seen him either. I look up as I am being called to leave, time to go already; I can't take my mobile with me, I try Aaron one last time and it still goes straight to voicemail. I leave yet another message telling him what I have arranged and then switch it off and put it in my locker.

I have to focus on the operation now, home will have to wait until I get back. I then do what I do which is what makes me one of the best, I flip that switch in my head that disconnects me from anything but the job ahead.

.

Aaron - 9.15 am

Before heading up-to the farm we had come to the coffee shop for breakfast, I had missed mine earlier with coming to the pub and Milly was hungry; I pay the money we owe, "Thanks Bob."

He looks down at Milly who already has a reputation for being quite the entertainer when in the coffee shop, she's never usually shy, but today she is quiet and clingy, "Milly's quiet, understandable I suppose after earlier."

I have Jem in the car seat in one hand and Milly holding onto the other, "We're going up-to the farm aren't we eh, to help out Aunty Moira and Uncle Andy?" I look down at her, "Say goodbye to Bob," usually she is all over him as he always sneaks her a biscuit on the sly, but today she just gives him a silent wave as we turn to leave. Even with me she keeps asking for Robert, so hopefully being up at the farm will distract her until he gets back tomorrow. Moira stayed behind at the pub a little longer to help tidy up, so we had set off separately.

On our way out, opening the door of the coffee shop, I almost walk into Katie, "Alright?"

Seeing the girls with me, she acts a little weird, but that seems to be par for the course where anything to do with Robert is concerned, "I see it all kicked off at the pub this morning, they find anything?"

I look at her curiously, she didn't sound too concerned, more pissed off than anything, "No why, were you hoping they would?" I was joking when I said it, but the look on her face got me thinking and made me wonder if she had made that anonymous tip-off, but I can't believe Katie would do that to mum and Diane.

"I see Robert made himself disappear at the right time," I don't say anything but Andy is right, she really has a problem with Robert and anything to do with him.

I sigh, I'm not in the mood for a discussion with Katie about Robert, "See you later Katie."

She watches us go out into the drizzling rain without saying anything.

.

We are half way up to the farm, I am driving a bit slower than I would normally; I can't believe how in such a short space of time that Milly and Jem feel like family and I am so protective of both of them. I shake my head, smiling to myself, thinking of the joy Moira would have in winding me up if she knew how quick and hard I have let myself fall for Robert and his daughters. I wonder what Andy will say, now that will be interesting.

I see a car behind in the rear-view mirror, I swear under my breath, there is always an impatient one. I slow down on a straight bit to let him pass, which he does but then slams on the breaks forcing me to do the same. We skid to a stop almost hitting the car in front and I realise there is a car stopped close in behind us. I am sat shaking, my hands on the steering wheel still; Jem starts to cry. I turn to look at Milly in the back who is white as a sheet, "You okay Milly?" She nods but my attention is grabbed by shouting from outside the car. I was about to get out and have a go, but I stop when I see two men coming towards the car, one with a gun pointing it directly at me. I consider trying to drive and push one of the cars blocking us out of the way, but he is close enough that he would shoot me dead before I even re-start the engine. I feel in my back pocket and then my coat pocket for my phone, but it's not there, I must have dropped it or left it somewhere.

He is shouting at me through the rain, "Give me the girl, nice and steady now and it'll be all okay."

I don't believe him, I know that as soon as he has Milly he will most likely kill me. I am panicking trying to work out what I can do, as I realise we are completely on our own with them. He can't get into the car as I'd locked the doors already, "Milly, come here to me in the front, come on quickly." She scrambles out of her car seat and into the front on my knee. I hold onto her, she isn't quite comprehending what is happening, but she senses my fear and grips onto me, "Who are the angry men?"

"I don't know, Milly, but they are bad men, very bad men," I look around trying to think of a way for us to try and escape. The man shouts at us again, coming in closer to the car. I force Milly to look at me, "Milly, listen to me carefully, if I tell you to run, then I want you to run, as quick and as fast as you can, do you hear me? Don't look back, don't stop for anything, not even me. Run to the village and get them to call the police." She nods that she understands.

"Milly, promise me you won't stop until you get to the village?"

"I promise." Milly is smart, she might not understand what is going on, I don't even understand, but she knows what I am saying is important.

I give her a quick smile and squeeze her to me, "Good girl."

.

Suddenly I find myself shielding her with my body and putting an arm out to try and shield Jem as the bullet shatters the windscreen. Milly is shaking from the noise and Jem is screaming now as loud as I have ever heard her as we are covered by bits of flying glass.

"Send her to me, or next time it will be the screaming brat that gets a bullet." He is pointing the gun directly at Jem.

There's no way I will let Milly out on her own, I open the door slowly and get out of the car with her in my arms. "Send her here," I don't let Milly go, she is clinging onto me tightly.

"Take me, leave the girls, whatever it is you want, just take me and let them go."

He smiles at me as he walks towards me, I feel someone behind me and the pressure of a gun against the back of my head as the man says, "I don't think so Mr Livesy." He drags Milly from my arms and I feel helpless to stop him as a hand now on my shoulder is pushing down, forcing me to kneel.

Milly is shouting for me, looking panicked as the man carries her over to his car; there is a slight distraction as another car approaches and has to stop behind their car in front of Roberts because all the cars are blocking the road. The driver not realising what is going on honks the horn impatiently; I see the man walk up-to it, he shoots the driver, still with Milly in his arms. The driver's head must have fallen against the steering wheel, pressing down because the sound of the horn becomes constant.

The man is doing something but I can't quite see, but whilst he has his back to us and is so far away, I take a chance. I push up and swing round, head-butting the man behind me catching him unawares, I knee him and hit him as hard as I can. Before he can yell for help, I pick up the gun which he had dropped and hit him over the head with it; he falls to the ground unconscious.

.

I am breathing fast as I sneak over to their car and hide down so I can see the man, still with Milly; I try to work out if I can get him without hitting her. Shit, I see a third man who takes Milly and is now coming towards the car with her, I hadn't seen him. He realises that I am not where I should be and is yelling for the other guy. Milly is struggling, kicking and yelling my name, he half drops her as she bites his hand; I shoot twice and get him at least once in the shoulder I think. He lets Milly go as he drops to the ground in pain, Milly lands on her feet and stands there not quite knowing what to do. Years of a misspent youth with an air rifle has its benefits, I yell to her, "Run Milly... run!"

She doesn't hesitate, she goes into the woods to the left of me and is quickly out of sight, before the other man can follow her I shoot again at him, forcing him to take cover and I shoot every time he tries to come out from behind the car. I was so focussed on stopping him from following Milly, that I hadn't seen the man I had shot first had got up and come round behind me; I slipped into the darkness the moment he hit me over the head.

.

*-*-* Emmerdale - 10.00am*-*-*

Despite the rain now falling steadily, Chas is sweeping outside in front of the pub as they try and get ready for opening; the police seem to have even managed to make a mess on the outside as well as in. She hears the sirens of police cars coming ever louder and feels apprehensive; also having heard the sirens from inside, Diane comes onto the pub steps, standing in the doorway shielding herself from the rain. They both watch as the cars race past and on out the other side of the village, an ambulance soon follows and then another police car.

"Something's up somewhere," says Diane as Chas comes to stand with her.

Chas leans on the broom handle, "Yeah well, as long as it's nothing to do with us, they can go where they want." About to go inside, their attention is then caught by something that you don't see too often as a helicopter is coming closer and it becomes obvious that it is intending to land on the cricket pitch.

Between the police cars and the loud thud thud of the helicopter as it comes in-to land, a lot of the villagers are now curiously watching. The odd thing is though, it isn't a police helicopter as they might have expected, it's military.

Two soldiers jump down from the helicopter and are coming over in the direction of the pub, Cain is also now on the pub steps as the soldiers stop in front of them and ask, "Diane Sugden?"

Diane nods a little shocked, "That's me."

"I'm Corporal Dalton and this is Corporal Hardwick, we've come to collect the children, Milly and Jem...., and Aaron is it?" The three of them stare at the soldiers bemused so the Corporal asks, "Staff Sergeant Sugden called ahead right?"

"You'd best come in out of the rain," says Diane who then turns to go back inside.

.

Once inside the pub, Diane says, "Robert had said someone would come to collect them, but he didn't mention a helicopter....., or soldiers for that matter." The soldiers from Robert's team look at each other, realising that Diane is clearly confused about what is going on. Suggers had never spoken about his family up north, it had always been a topic off limits; it is becoming clear by the reactions in the pub they hadn't known that he was even in the army.

"He is helping out on something before he goes on final leave; he didn't want to be away from Milly and Jem, especially after this morning, so he asked us to come get them."

In a challenging tone, Cain asks, "You normally use a helicopter as a taxi then?"

They ignored his tone, "A final favour from the Colonel before he leaves; Milly and Jem are like family to us."

This created an awkward silence for a moment before Chas says, "They aren't here, they went up-to the farm with Aaron, my son."

Diane sits down, as she is still trying to wrap her head around things, "I didn't even know Robert was a soldier, did you?" she asks Chas who shakes her head, "No, but Aaron might have I suppose."

Diane knew there was always going to be a lot they didn't yet know, he had been away ten years after all, "Robert was trying to get hold of him earlier, but I don't know if he did, Aaron might not know you were coming," she says to the soldiers.

Cain starts to calls Aaron's mobile when Chas pulls Aaron's phone from her pocket, the battery separate, "It'll just go to voicemail, he must have dropped it; I found it outside earlier when I was sweeping up. He should be up at the farm by now though, they left ages ago." Chas tries the farm and gets Moira, "Is Aaron there?" Chas frowns as she listens to Moira talk, "Okay, tell him to call as soon as he gets there, it's important....., what? No I don't know; okay, speak soon." He's not there either, he never turned up. Moira said Robert had left a message for Aaron at the farm trying to get hold of him, she said it sounded....., odd."

Cain asks irritated, "Odd, what do you mean odd?"

Chas glares at him, "How should I know, she just said odd."

The soldiers sense the tension, "Okay, so we can wait, not a problem. Where else could they have gone?"

.

The conversation comes to a halt as two police officers walk into the pub; Chas groans as it's really turning out to be one of those days, "Not you lot again, what do you want?"

The police officers look at the soldiers warily, clearly aware of the instructions to give the pub a wide berth, "Mrs Sugden?" As one of the soldiers was about to intervene, the look on the police officer's face and the way he holds his hand out causes the soldier to hesitate and he lets him speak.

Diane is looking tired and worried, the events of the day are beginning to take their toll, "There's been an incident involving your son's car." Diane sits down and puts her hand to her head, not being able to take much more this morning.

There is an immediate feeling of panic in the room, Chas goes, "My Aaron was driving Robert's car, he was taking the girls to the farm," she looks to Cain, her eyes full of worry, "Is he okay, are the girls okay?"

Two armed police officers walk in, they stay watching in the background acknowledging the presence of the soldiers with a nod as the first officer continues, "That's the thing, the vehicle is abandoned with the windscreen shattered, shot through," he hesitates a moment and glances at the soldiers before looking back at Chas, "there was another vehicle a short distance away, where the driver was found deceased. You haven't seen them back here then?"

Corporal Dalton is already on the phone and had moved out into the corridor so no-one could hear. When he comes back in, he hands the phone to the police officer, who after his initial surprise takes it and listens. After a minute his face changes completely and after the call ends, he says to the Corporal, "This will need to be cleared up the chain." He looks back at the armed officers, thinking this is going to get messy, but he knew they wouldn't be given a choice. Whoever this Robert Sugden is, there is some holy shit going down connected to him.

After a quick call to his station, he gets confirmation, "Lock down the village, no-one in or out without their say-so," he nods towards the soldiers.

Everyone in the pub is now looking at the soldiers, they want answers; Cain approaches them clearly agitated, "What the hell is going on?"

TBC


	12. Prisoners

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Day 7: Aaron and Jem are held prisoner. Diane, Chas and Cain feel like prisoners in the pub but they find out a little more about Robert's years away from Emmerdale.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 12 and 13 posted together.  
> Hadn't planned on posting again so soon, but these kind of wrote themselves...... enjoy!

Aaron - 10.00am

I am woken by someone slapping my face and as I open my eyes I see the man's face close to mine, his gaze hard and unwavering as he shoves Jem into my arms and throws down her changing bag, "Make her quiet before my friend over there makes her quiet permanently," I look over to the guy stood in the doorway. "What do you want with us? I don't understand; let Jem go back to her family, she's just a baby; keep me."

He ignores me, looking very unhappy; they leave, locking the wooden door behind them and then I hear a padlock being clicked in place. I get up and go bang on the door with my fist yelling at them, "Oi, come back, get back here, let us go," but there is no response; everything is very quiet except for Jem.

We are in what looks like a farm outhouse, although it is daytime, it's very dark in here and cold; the air is damp but at least it's dry. I realise they have taken my watch and my wallet from me. At least they brought Jem's bag, that's about the only positive I can think of right about now other than the obvious that we are still alive.

.

I sit, leaning against the wall and hold Jem to me; the floor is stone, hard and cold. I try and keep calm and after a while I change her and let her have a little drink, but not too much. I don't know how long we are going to be kept prisoner for and they had clearly intended taking Milly so probably weren't prepared for holding a baby, or me for that matter. I presume they only took me to look after Jem, otherwise I would probably be dead just like that other driver.

I lay Jem back down on the changing mat part of her bag on the floor whilst I walk my way round the outhouse. It's not very big, solid with just a few slits in thick old stone walls, but they are high up and letting in only a very little bit of light. The door is also solid, I manage to peer out of one of the slits in the stone, but I don't see anything but a wall opposite. I try one at the other side, this time I can see over the landscape, but it's just green fields; I don't recognise anything here either, it's possible we are not even in Yorkshire any more.

I work round the walls and door again, but take a lot longer this time, trying to find a weakness or something that I can use for when they come back, but I eventually give up, defeated. Wherever we are, we are stuck here; I don't find anything that gives me any hope of getting out. "Well Jem, we are just going to have to find another way, eh?" I undo my jacket, she is sleeping as I pick her up and hold her to me, wrapping my jacket around her to try and keep her warm.

.

*-*-* Emmerdale - Late Morning *-*-*

"Why won't they tell us what's going on, I want to know what's going on," Chas has been pacing the room for quite some time.

"Sit down Sis."

"I don't want to sit down Cain, I've been sat down ever since that lot got here; I want Aaron here with us, I want to know what's going on. I'm sorry Diane, but if this is to do with Robert and my Aaron gets hurt.....," her voice trails off. She knows that Diane is just as worried, and even if this is to do with Robert, she knows that he wouldn't ever do anything to hurt Jem or Milly. She might not have thought much of him in the past, but it is clear to everyone he dotes on his children. Thinking about it, he had also become quite friendly with Aaron, the girls too. Mind you Aaron is often just like a big kid himself as she thinks back to when he was playing snap with Milly the other night.

There is an uneasy truce downstairs in the pub, with police and army now working together as much as this is ever going to be possible to find Aaron and Robert's children; because of the number of crags and underground tunnels the regional mountain rescue team is also there, acting as a kind of buffer between the others. So far there has been no contact and no sightings of them, nothing.

.

Aaron - Late Morning

There is a sudden noise as the door is unlocked; I stand up and move against the back wall, but even then I have to shield my eyes from the daylight, my eyes trying to adjust after being in the dark for so long. There are two of them, one now with what looks like a semi automatic weapon and the other with a handgun who comes towards us; he puts a sack over my head and pushes me towards the door. I hold tight onto Jem, frightened if I trip that I will hurt her. I don't say anything as we walk, but wait to see where we go and if there is any chance to run. It's not going to be easy with Jem and I can't leave her behind, I would never forgive myself if anything happened to her.

I try and remember the route as he guides me up some steep steps and then I am practically dragged across the room and pushed down onto my knees; they cross my ankles behind me which makes it almost impossible to stand up, especially having Jem with me. The sacking over my head is thick and heavy so I can't see anything at all and I am only just getting enough air to breathe. I keep very still as I hear them move around me, talking in a language I don't understand; it sounds Arabic but I don't really know.

.

Suddenly, the sacking is jerked off my head and I am immediately blinded by a bright light as one of them grabs my hair pulling my head back slightly so my eyes are looking directly into it. I close my eyes and he tells me to open them, but it's hard, the light is very strong. I see there is another man on his knees next to me and I realise it is one of the men from earlier; he has his hands tied behind his back and looks as though he has had a beating. I can't see the man in front of us for the light, but I don't recognise his voice, I think he is someone new.

I can just about make out a video camera on a tripod and I start to shake, this is the kind of stuff you see on the news; this kind of stuff doesn't happen here, this happens to other people in other countries.

The man holding my head starts talking to the camera and I am sure he is talking about us, he puts the gun to my head and then moves it to Jem; all that is going through my head now is that we are going to die, this is how it is going to end, not even knowing why we have been taken.

Suddenly the man behind me releases his hold and before I can think anything he shoots the man next to me in the head. I feel the warmth of the blood spattering over us; I am absolutely petrified as I feel my shaking getting worse. The loudness of the gun has set Jem crying again, but this time they don't tell me to make her quiet, it's like they want her to scream.

I keep waiting for him to come back to us, but he doesn't. He stops talking and as the light goes out the sack goes back over my head and I am dragged back up to my feet. It had all happened so quickly and I am in so much shock, I am struggling to hold onto Jem that I can't even think about how to run as we are taken back to the outhouse and locked back in.

I am struggling to quieten Jem, she is feeding off my panic; I have to put her down on the floor as I go to the wall and throw up. I am shaking violently now as I fall to my knees; I have never been so scared in my entire life and I have the most horrible feeling in my gut that we are not going to get out of here alive.

.

*-*-* Emmerdale - Early Afternoon*-*-*

Everyone looks up as the door opens and a PC comes in carrying Milly. Diane rushes over to her and takes her in her arms. The relief that at least one of them are safe is tangible in the room.

Chas looks at the PC, "What about Aaron and Jem, are they found too?"

The PC looks uncomfortable, "I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to say anything, just that someone will come and speak to you soon," and then she leaves closing the door behind her.

For the last couple of hours they had been in the back room, guarded by armed police at either door. They weren't really sure if this is to keep them safe or to keep them in and out of the way. Their phones had been taken and they were essentially feeling like prisoners in their own pub.

Diane sits down with Milly, "Are you alright pet?" Milly nods.

Chas comes over and kneels in front of her and Diane, "Milly, were you with Aaron and Jem?"

She nods, "He told me to run, but I got lost," Milly's bottom lip starts to tremble as she did her best to be brave and not cry.

Before Chas could ask any more a man walked in, from his military uniform it was clear he was more senior than they had seen up-to now. Milly jumped down from Diane's arms and ran to him, "Grandpa James." He picked her up as everyone else just stared at him; their day just kept getting weirder.

.

"Hey you, you okay?" Milly nodded, she whispered to him, "Where's daddy, I want daddy?" She can't hold back the tears now as she starts to cry.

The Colonel wipes her tears away, "Daddy will be here tomorrow Milly, he had to go and do something really really important; do you understand?"

Milly nods, but she still looks upset as she rests her head on his shoulder, "I wish Aaron and Jem were here."

"Me too Milly, me too," the Colonel looks around at the expectant faces in the room. He introduces himself as Colonel Dawson, Robert's Commanding Officer. He motions to them all to sit down and he does the same with Milly on his knee.

"Just to explain, I am not Amanda's father, her parents died a long time ago, but I have known Milly since she was born, our families have spent a lot of time together in the last few years." He hesitates, "Since I met Robert, he has been like a son to me as well as being his Commanding Officer. I suppose you all want to know what's going on?"

Cain huffs, "Just a little, no-one's telling us anything."

.

"There's a lot that I cannot tell you. Robert is Special Forces....., was....., he resigned a couple of days ago but he was called back in to help with something unexpected that came up. Connected to this we believe an interested group had a plot to take Milly as leverage on Robert to force him to help them. According to what Milly has told us, Aaron managed to get her safe, but he and Jem were taken instead. We are doing our best to find them; police, army and local rescue are searching, we have all available resources looking for them."

There is a stunned silence in the room; as no-one says anything as he continues, "Because we believe firearms were involved, members of the public are not invited to help in the search and there is currently a news blackout as we don't want to spook the group who has them any more than necessary."

Although still shocked, Cain asks what Chas dare not, "Do you think they are still alive? Who the hell has them?"

"Yes, we know they are alive, we have confirmation from the people holding them; so for now we know they are alive. What is absolutely paramount is that we find them as soon as possible."

Diane asks, "Does Robert know?"

The Colonel hesitates, "No, no he doesn't know, we are not scheduled to have contact with him now until he returns. I'm sorry I know all this is a bit of a shock, Robert has been away from Emmerdale a long time and there was no-one more surprised than me when he said he was coming back here permanently and was resigning. It wasn't just for the girls after losing Amanda that he decided to come back here permanently; it's not easy doing what he does and being a single parent, but he would have made it work somehow if he had wanted. He looks at Chas, "Apparently your son has made a very distinct impression on him in a very short space of time."

The Colonel puts Milly down as he stands up, "I will keep you informed as best as I can; for now I need you to stay put here in the pub, which will have to stay closed I'm afraid. Just look after Milly and let us work on finding Aaron and Jem."

Everyone was absorbing what he had said after he left the room, it was quite a lot of information that they had heard for the first time. Nothing more surprising, even though he hadn't said it specifically, but he had intimated that Aaron and Robert were possibly more than friends; and why did he know that and none of them had even a clue?

TBC


	13. Emmerdale Farm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Day 8: Robert returns and Aaron faces the possibility of death.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 12 and 13 posted together.

Aaron - Dawn

I'm tired having only managed to doze off and on during the night. No-one had been near us after they brought us back yesterday, except once, when they had opened the door and thrown in a bottle of water before silently locking it again. I'm also feeling hungry, I haven't had anything to eat since breakfast yesterday. Fortunately I had been over careful when packing Jem's bag, I hadn't really known how long we would be at the farm, so I had thrown in all the bottles made up in the fridge just in case.

I look out of one of the slits in the window, it's still dark out, but I reckon it must be around six; in an hour or so the sun will start to rise, but the sky looks very dark, thick with heavy clouds and it is still raining; I don't think there will be any sunshine today much anyway.

I go sit back down, and curl my body close around Jem and wrap my arm around her as she lays on the mat belonging to her changing bag; she is covered by her blanket which I had found stuffed into the bag. If we stay here too much longer, I am worried she will catch cold or worse. It was very cold during the night and I had kept her close to me to keep her warm, but I had felt myself shivering most of the night; the cold from the stone floor and the damp in the air having crept into my body.

.

I pick Jem up as I hear footsteps and voices, they sound agitated as they get nearer and I think to myself, this can't be good. The door is unlocked and opens, two men come grab me; before I realise it, the third man pulls Jem from my arms and takes her out. I am fighting them now, but I'm weaker having not eaten for such a long time; the strength of the two men overpower me as they force me down on the floor. I feel plastic pulled tight around my wrists which are now behind me; I am trying to shout out but they force a rag in my mouth and wrap tape around so I can't hardly make any sound. I am now fighting them with every ounce of strength I have, but they kick me a couple of times and I fall onto my side, I'm struggling to breathe as I try and suck in some air through my nose. I feel a heavy boot in my back and I cry out in pain; biting down on the gag. I am still kicking and scrambling, trying to get free as I see one of the men taking all Jem's stuff away, but all I get is another kick; this time hard in my stomach and I curl up with a whole world of pain taking over.

They drag me up and this time they don't put anything over my head; I can just about make out the shape of what looks like a farmhouse through the dark, but I still don't recognise anything. The two men are walking me away from the farmhouse, one either side of me; I can see lights of towns and villages in the distance. It feels like we are walking for ages when we turn off down a track, they each have a torch, shining them onto the ground below our feet; they seem to know exactly where we are going. I am hurting all over and I just think, if they are going to kill me, why don't they just shoot me and get it over with.

.

It's still very dark out as we come to an iron gateway and it suddenly dawns on me where we might be; I had heard about this place, but never been up here. As they take me down into the tunnels, I know for certain we are in the mine shafts up by the original Emmerdale Farm. I wonder if that was all intentional, to hold us where Robert grew up. Emmerdale Farm had been his home until it had been abandoned and designated too dangerous due to subsidence from the mine shafts underneath; I know some of the land is used to access the quarry not far away but the farmhouse has been abandoned and empty for years.

We continue going further down deep into the mine shafts, still just the couple of torches lighting the way. We eventually come to a stop where we seem to be in a small cavern. In the shadows from the torches, I can make out an abandoned barrow and see a couple of old signs nailed onto the walls; it's very damp and cold down here, the ground is muddy and wet.

Strangely I am not scared anymore, I know they are going to leave me here to die; all I feel is anger that I couldn't keep Jem safe. One of them puts a chain round my neck and padlocks it, then padlocks the other end to an old iron ring attached to the wall. He pushes me hard against the rock wall and holds my head back; I look at him straight in the eyes, I'm not going to let him have the satisfaction to see my fear.

The other guy is standing with his phone pointing in my direction, it's lighting up my face as he looks to be making a recording. Again he is speaking into it in a language I don't understand whilst standing close in front of me. I try to kick out, but I just get punches to the stomach for my defiance and I fall to my knees; the chain straining around my neck as there isn't enough slack for me to kneel properly. I can't hardly breathe and they just laugh at me as I fight for air and struggle to stand back up.

Before they go, one of them whispers in my ear and talks to me. The final thing he tells me is where they are taking Jem and I go berserk as they leave me alone in the darkness. Tears streaming down my face I fight hard to get free until I have no energy left as I collapse almost to my knees, ignoring the pull of the chain on my neck. I will die knowing Robert will be devastated and that I couldn't stop them; I will die never having told him I love him, him and the girls.

.

Robert - Sunrise

  
I am staring out of the window of the helicopter taking me to Emmerdale, half my team are sat with me trying to gauge my mood. They know me very well, usually I am calm and controlled; the one and only time they have ever seen me lose it in all the years I have been in the SAS is when I found out about Amanda's affair. The only thing that has ever made me lose control is when my family are under threat.

The operation had been a success, the intricate plan had worked; knowing that he had a mole among those closest to him, there was a plan within a plan. Information had been leaked so that the terrorist cell believed I was landing undercover in Damascus as part of an international delegation, but a decoy was sent in my place and the source had a couple of decoys on his end allowing him to get out unseen. We had actually met a long way from Damascus not far from the border where I had crossed in and we had met in the darkness at a place he knew only I would work out from his instructions. He had passed on his information and then had disappeared into the dead of night, exactly as he said he would.

We had known they would try to kill him and me, if they got the chance; the information he passed on is leading to arrests and raids which are already underway across the UK and Europe, these will effectively prevent the attack from taking place.

The one thing that had not been factored in at any stage is that they would target my family to force me to deliver him to them; they had wanted to interrogate him before killing him most likely. His security is normally so tight you couldn't get near him, so they had realised it was easier to get me to do it for them and their leverage was to be Milly. The video made of Aaron and Jem had been left for me to find, but because I was never where they thought I would be, instead of by me, it was seen by one of the decoys who had relayed everything back to the UK. Even if they could have contacted me, I know they wouldn't have; the information from the source was too critical, they would never have compromised the operation.

.

I had brushed aside the strange feeling of people acting odd around me when I had first got back to Hereford and went into the briefing. It had taken a couple of hours to relay all the information and keep going over all the details they wanted from me. It was only when the Colonel who was waiting for me and told me afterwards, that I found out what had happened back in Emmerdale.

I hadn't even got changed or showered, we had gone straight to the waiting helicopter so we were still in full operational kit and carrying our usual weapons when we landed in the village. Half my team had been supporting me on the operation and half had come up to Emmerdale already; the Colonel had flown back with us also, so the now entirety of Red Troop will be there for me, just like I would be there for any one of them if the roles were reversed. Apparently there had been an uneasy agreement between military and local resources to work together to find Aaron and Jem, it wasn't even clear if they were still in the area, but the thinking is that they are.

.

No-one is awake upstairs except the armed police keeping watch, they acknowledge my presence with a nod as I go straight into Milly's room where she is sleeping. I just sit on the side of her bed and watch her for a minute and then I lay down and stroke her hair; she looks so small and beautiful. I turn onto my back and put my hand to my head; I am tired, having been awake more than twenty-four hours now. My thoughts turn to Aaron and Jem and how scared he must have been. Everyone promised me they would find them, but I know as well as they do that with our operation effectively stopping their plan for the attack and probably months of planning ruined, that it is highly likely that they are both already dead in retribution. I block these thoughts from my head, as I lay next to Milly and stay like that until she wakes.

When she wakes, she smiles at me sleepily and climbs into my arms; I hold her so tight I have to remind myself not to squeeze too hard for fear of hurting her. I let her talk, her sentences coming out all jumbled as she tries to makes sense of everything that has happened since I have been away. I knew from the Colonel that she had seen someone shot close up and I wonder how that is going to affect her as I stroke her head and give her a kiss. It will for sure and somehow we are going to have to find a way to get her over it.

I carry Milly into the back room and make a coffee, I sit at the table a while and enjoy the coffee and the quiet, watching Milly eating her cereal. Fortunately no-one else is up yet; I am torn between the urge to stay with Milly up here and go back downstairs which has been turned into a mini operation centre for the search. After Milly finishes eating and has a drink, I carry her downstairs to see what is going on.

.

A quiet silence descends in the pub when I enter and I realise something is very wrong, even my team are struggling, I stare round at them, "Tell me."

The Colonel motions to a PC who comes and tries to take Milly, I step back not wanting to let Milly go, but the Colonel comes up-to me, "She shouldn't see this Robert, let the PC take her back upstairs," and I let her be taken from my arms as a wave of panic washes through me.

I follow the Colonel to a laptop and he plays a recording of Aaron, he looks very scared, chained to a stone wall. A man is talking in Arabic, I wince as Aaron is hit; the camera moves and jerks around until it settles back on his face after he stands back up. I understand a little of what is being said but not enough to get everything. Cato in my team speaks Arabic and translates the message which is clearly for me, he even says my name. He says that we will never find Aaron and that I am responsible for my boyfriend's death, that he will suffer a long, slow and lonely death; and that I will pay for my sins for the rest of my life, that they will bestow on me a grief worse than death.

I look into Aaron's eyes on the video, his defiance is shining out, then I realise what is missing, "Where is Jem?" In total panic I turn to look at Cato who has been translating and then to the Colonel, "What have they done with my daughter?"

.

"We don't know, this is all we received."

Everyone tenses in the room as I stand up and my chair falls backwards and I start to pace the room, my mind whirring with scenarios. I go back to the laptop, "Play it again, " I focus as I re-watch the video, I wanted to see when the camera had moved around, showing more of where they were.

I realise it isn't a room, "I need my brother, get my brother Andy, he needs to see this; I think I know where it is." After just a few minutes, Andy comes in, he had fortunately been at home and not the farm, he quickly gets over his shock of seeing me in all my kit and he watches the video as I say to him, "Tell me I'm not going mad, tell me that's where I think it is?"

Andy looks at me and we replay that part of the recording a few more times, some of the signs on the walls clearly visible and the section numbers clearly marked. Andy nods, "You're not going mad, it's where we used to play when we were kids," his face then turns ashen.

I panic seeing his face, "What Andy, what?"

"With all the rain, the tunnels, they flood; the river overflowed about a half hour ago and when that happens these tunnels are fully flooded out. I look at the Colonel in full panic and he and the teams in the pub are already preparing, "We're on it," the leader of the local rescue team starts pulling out maps.

"Let me go, I know exactly where he is," but the Colonel says no, as the rescue team prepares to leave.

"Sir, we don't have time for this, let me go, I know this section of tunnels like the back of my hand. It's deep underground, dad would have killed us if he found out but we went there all the time and the quarry near-by. The maps, they won't be complete, they won't have all the tunnels marked properly; the tunnels were so dangerous, no-one had bothered as no-one ever goes in them." The Colonel looks at the leader of the local rescue team and he nods acknowledging that I am right and the Colonel relents.

Andy says he wants to come too, but I tell him no, he isn't trained for this. I grab some gear from the mountain rescue team's kit and with a couple of others from my team we follow them out. As we speed up-to the mine entrance, I explain to everyone where I think he is.

.

Things are complicated with having to take some underwater gear because of the potential flooding. I am an all kind of mess inside, thinking what if we are too late, but I try switch it off. I need to treat this like any operation, at the moment it's not Aaron in that tunnel, it could be anyone; the problem is I can't switch it off, it is Aaron and that scares the crap out of me.

I have to consider which direction to take at one point, it's been a long time, but I have a good memory for this stuff and as we quickly get down to the level where Andy and I used to spend all that time years ago. We can hear the sound of water as we go another level deeper and we finally reach the ledge overlooking the cavern where I believe he is. It is filling with water but not fully flooded and after a few passes with the big torches we see him; his head is turned upwards, the water half covering his face but not fully; the chain around his neck tethering him down.

I jump into the water not caring what might be floating in there and grab him, he is unconscious and I can't tell if he is breathing, one of the rescue team joins me and with bolt cutters he cuts through the chain and we pass his body up-to the others on the ledge. I climb out of the water and watch as the medics work on him in the torch light.

I crouch down shaking with the cold from the water, silently willing him to open his eyes; I hadn't realised until now just how very much I am in love with him.

TBC


	14. In Death's Living Room

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christmas Day 2014

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MOD = Ministry of Defence
> 
> WARNING: drug use (I have no personal experience of drugs nor do I know anyone, not that I am aware of anyway, who has experience with hard drugs so please ignore any inaccuracies. All mistakes are my own)

Robert

I come back into the bedroom with a coffee and look at the beautiful body laying in my bed; I let my mind wander back to last night and the fun we'd had out in Leeds. It had been well after two when we had stumbled through the door, drunk and full of laughter; our hands fumbling and tongues everywhere as we peeled off pieces of clothing whilst making our way upstairs to the bedroom, leaving everything where they fell on the staircase.

"No coffee for me?" came the question, with a sleepy smile.

I have no smile to return, the night and haze of alcohol-fuelled fun that came with it are now gone; I had gathered all the strewn clothes when coming back upstairs and put them on the side. I take another gulp of my coffee, "I'm off for a shower, your stuff's on there," I indicate the dressing table with a nod of my head, "I called you a taxi, it should be here in ten, so you can just let yourself out. Oh and be careful not to wake anyone, I don't want my daughter to see you." I am not in the mood, neither for Milly's questions, or Joanna's stare of disapproval at yet another random female I had picked up being at the breakfast table, especially on Christmas Day. I head into the bathroom for my shower without waiting for a response, I am not interested in one, or any look I might be getting; I don't even remember her name.

Hopefully a shower will, at least on the surface, make me look like a normal human being; the last place I want to be today is watching my brother getting married to that bitch. I don't really know how Milly had managed it but she had talked her way into being a bridesmaid at Andy's wedding; she was so excited by the prospect that she had soon worn me down. I didn't have the energy or the heart to keep saying no to her without a good excuse and I had promised myself I would never let her see how much or tell her the truth why I hate Katie. That is my burden to carry; Andy might be able to forgive, but I cannot. Diane will pick Milly up around nine and take her to get ready with the others so that will give me time to prepare a few things for my trip.

.

A lot has changed in the months since arriving back in Emmerdale at the beginning of October; Jem had never been found, they had taken her with them. I had bought Home Farm with the MOD payoff I had got and we had moved in more or less straight away. It was going for a knock down price, the owners were having financial problems and had needed a quick sale. It works well, close enough for Milly to the village and far enough for me, from it. Quite a few people were surprised we stayed and some want me gone, Milly is the only thing that keeps the uneasy peace; she is also the reason why we stayed. I want Milly to know her roots and have a connection to family; that she has people around her who love her and will take care of her that aren't strangers if one day I don't make it back from a trip away.

When I'm not at home with Milly I spend all my time trying to find Jem; I take well paid one-off contract jobs out in the Middle East which gives us enough money to live, these are mostly special jobs which usually mean I am only away a few days at a time. They get me a legit reason to be in the region, then once a job is done I spend my time chasing and following up on leads, building up contacts that one day might be useful; not to mention funding for my search which is proving difficult and expensive. Unsurprisingly no-one wants to talk and I can't trust those that do. Thinking about Jem hurts so much that I have to hold my face under the blast of the shower and I don't pull back out until the tears are gone. 

.

Coming out of the shower, I wrap the bath towel around me; thankfully the bed is empty and I see the taxi pulling away when I look out of the window. I get changed quickly into my suit and after looking at my watch, I head downstairs, knowing it won't be long until the two ladies in my life come down for breakfast.

At the beginning of December I had hired Joanna, our live-in nanny come housekeeper. She does a good job of running the house for me and is good with Milly who gets very upset and nervous when I go away for work. With her support Milly, at least, is slowly beginning to show signs of moving on. With Joanna looking after things on the home front, I can concentrate on looking for Jem without worrying when I am away. 

Joanna had tried to talk to me once about my 'lifestyle' when I am home, but I had made it clear in no uncertain terms that it was none of her business and if she couldn't keep her nose out, then she could leave. Since then she keeps her thoughts to herself and has settled well into the house and the village where, I assume, she has since learned about what happened. As long as she takes good care of Milly, who already adores her, then I don't give a crap what she, or anyone else for that matter, thinks about me.

.

I had promised Diane, for Milly's sake, to go to the wedding. She looks beautiful as she walks down the aisle and from my seat at the back I smile at her when she glances back making sure I am there. However when her gaze leaves me, I find myself having to stare at the floor to force away my tears; the blue of her dress bringing to the surface memories and emotions I hold down inside, kept hidden deep from everyone around me, but most of all, from myself.

We don't stay long at the pub afterwards, using the excuse of my trip away tomorrow; I feel Diane's sad stare as we leave and the hatred in Chas' eyes burning into my back. I am barely on speaking terms with Andy, we had reverted to our distant hostility since I had refused to sell him Wiley's. That said, I don't really speak with anyone in the village anymore; I am hardly ever there and when I am, they don't know what to say and I don't care to have idle conversation.

Milly's happiness and the hope of finding Jem is all that remains between me and the pull of death.

.

Aaron

I switch the shower on and stand staring into the bathroom mirror a moment, thankfully the face staring back at me fades away as the hot water from the shower soon steams over the mirror. I get into the shower and lean against the wall, letting the water fall onto my head and down my back; enjoying the warm feeling as it runs over me. I flinch as I start to wash the last twenty-four hours from my body, the bruising from last night visible as I wash my lower back and thighs. 

After leaving Emmerdale in the middle of November, I had crashed on the couch at a mates in Leeds for a few days. I had met one of the guys from the club at a party we had gone to, who told me there was a job going if I was interested. I needed the money so I went with him the next day and had got the job; a week later I had left my friend's couch and moved in with Lee full-time. 

The other bar staff had warned me what Lee, the owner of the club, is like and that I should stay well away from him. He had made his interest in me clear from the very beginning when I started working there and I hadn't discouraged him; in fact exactly the opposite. Lee treats his staff well at work and runs an amazingly successful club with the best DJs from all over the country coming to play, but he treats the men he takes to his bed a lot less well. They weren't to know that their warnings would fall on deaf ears, I had heard of Lee's reputation; this is probably the reason that I found myself drawn to him.

We have been cleaning up the loft, getting ready for the party tonight. Lee's parties tend to be wild affairs with a lot of alcohol and other stuff going on. I don't care as long as he gives me what he promised me for my Christmas present tonight, then he knows he can take what he wants from me; this is our silent agreement. 

I feel my phone buzz in my pocket, another text from mum which I just delete without reading. We haven't spoken since I left; in fact I haven't spoken to or seen anyone from Emmerdale and that's exactly how I intend to keep it. 

.

After three in the morning, the party is moving in the predictable direction with most of the casual hangers-on now having moved onto somewhere else. I have noticed Lee manages this subtly so that by four there are only a very few friends left from his inner circle, all with a variety of special needs. The people that are left start working their way into their little groups, each specific to their need; cards, drugs, whatever. Lee is what you might call a fixer, you name it and he can provide it. 

It had started just casually in the beginning, rolled in with a joint that someone had given me; I don't remember who it was now, but my need for the high is always secondary to the numbing of my senses that comes afterwards. I had soon started smoking everyday, increasing quickly to needing a hit at least twice a day as more and more I craved the peace it gives me.

After moving in with Lee it became easier, he supplies me with what I need and in exchange he uses my body. Now it is slowly becoming what I live for as I watch him come towards me with my present. I am not naive enough to think this will be forever, he will get bored of me eventually and the cost of keeping me will outweigh the benefit; but I will deal with that when the time comes, until then the arrangement suits both of us. I have stopped working at the club as it was becoming harder to avoid the stares and the looks from the others aware of how I got the bruises; usually he avoided my face, but on my arms were more visible and harder to hide. 

.

The night has been steady enough so far; I have been drinking my beer with a smoke, Lee's arm draped around me as we mingled. We make a good couple to the casual observer, he is good looking and charismatic and likes to show me off at his parties. There is no-one from the club here, tonight is a party for Lee's closer friends and contacts. It is an unusual mix of the wild and the dangerous, plus people with money and influence that Lee might one day want to call on; people who liked to live on the edge or enjoy whatever else special something for the night

I watch him quietly as he injects me with my first ever needle and I am exactly where I want to be, sat in death's living room as it holds me tight in its arms; first the high then the peace, it's like being wrapped in cotton wool and with any luck one day it might kill me. 

Lee smiles at me as we kiss deeply, he takes me by the hand into a room off to the side; he moves his hands over my body before slowly starting to undress me. I am vaguely aware of the others in the room, but the thing about heroin is not only do I no longer feel anything as it dulls my senses, even the ability to orgasm has gone, so I can fuck for as long as he wants me to. Tonight I will be that special something for two of his friends to enjoy, his Christmas present to them whilst he watches. When they are finished I will belong to him and I know he will take his time, I sense the mood he is in; but I will have earned my second hit and the peace will wash over me once more, so he can take all the time he needs as far as I am concerned.

TBC


	15. Poison

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thursday 5th February 2015

Robert

The wind and rain are freezing, biting into my face as I run; pushing myself much harder and faster than my usual steady pace. I’m frightened to slow down because then I will stop concentrating on maintaining the speed and I will be faced with the reality of what I had been told on my last trip; I don’t know if I can cope with that; not now, not ever.

I couldn’t sleep last night when I got in just after midnight and had finally given up trying; I left the house this morning before Joanna or Milly woke up to go for a run. I have been running for hours at an unsustainable pace, pushing my body beyond its limits until it could no longer continue, finally forcing me to stop as I collapse to the ground.

.

I ignore that I am shaking with the cold, it’s a relief after the heat of where I have been the past week; I always did prefer the cold to the heat. I have no idea how long I have been sat here crying, leaning against the outside wall of Wiley's; my tears just won't stop, mixing with the sweat and the rain which has been pelting down like stair rods all morning. I want to keep running, but what's the point; there is no-where to run to that will make everything better.

I push one of the boards to the side and go inside the derelict building, the old wood creaking under my feet as I head upstairs. Ever since buying Home Farm I have found myself coming back here after my runs; over time plans have been gradually forming in my head of how it could be turned back into a working farm. With some help from me and some smart management I reckon, in time, Andy could turn a tidy profit here, if I gave him the chance.

I look out of the window and I feel my body stiffen as I see Katie out riding. I feel my anger rising, I had made it clear to her back last November the land….., Wiley's….., it’s all off limits; she can ride wherever she likes in the Dales, but not on my land. Even after everything that has happened she still can’t help but push my buttons.

I love my brother, but I won’t let him back into my life as long as he is with Katie; I don’t have the capacity to forgive and I will never forget. It’s only thanks to my team that she is even still alive. I would have killed her last October if they hadn’t managed to get me under control; as it was, it had taken half the team to hold me down and had practically wrecked the main bar area in the process.

I look at my watch, I suppose I can’t put off going back to Home Farm any longer, where I have to do one of the hardest things I will ever have to do in my life; I can blame Katie all I want, but it’s not going to change anything.

.

I turn from the window, but I stop as I hear footsteps; I glance out of the window and see Katie’s horse tethered outside. She had better not be stupid enough to actually come in here, because today is not a day I want to be having any kind of conversation with Katie.

I walk towards the stairs and make my way down, I hear her coming before she even knows I am there as I grab her from behind, my arm crushing down on her windpipe just enough. It would be so so easy, but I let go and push her away from me; she bends over coughing and gasping as the air rushes back into her lungs.

“You should learn not to wander where you are not wanted Katie.”

I lean back against the wall as I watch her stand back up straight, her face defiant, though there is a hint of fear. It's always a battle between us, “I told you to stay away, why is it you can never do what you are told?”

“I saw you come in.”

I put my hands in my pockets and it takes every bit of my will power to stay silent.

“How’s Milly?”

I don’t answer her question; instead, strangely calm I say, “Leave Katie, leave right now if you know what’s good for you.” I watch her as I can see she is working out how to say whatever it is she wants to say.

“I’m sorry, I need you to know I am sorry for not telling Aaron your message.”

I stare out of the window next to me, trying to focus on something other than Katie, the urge to hurt her is as strong now as it was that day back in October.

“It was stupid and petty, Andy was right, I should have just asked you instead of jumping to conclusions.”

“Have you finished?” I turn back and glare at her. I can’t believe I used to love her once, and I did love her in my own screwed up way. “There’s nothing you can ever say that will make this right; my daughter’s gone Katie, she’s gone.”

.

I see a tear falling down Katie’s cheek and I know she is sincere in her apology but it doesn’t make any difference to how I feel about her now. I’m suddenly very tired, everything beginning to catch up on me, “Just leave Katie, please just leave me alone, leave Milly alone; I don’t want her to have anything to do with you.”

Katie looks at me sadly, maybe one day I will change my mind but not today. She turns to leave and hesitates, “Chas and Cain have been looking for Aaron; they can’t find him anywhere. Do you know where he is?”

No-one had said his name to me for a long time now and no-one knew what had happened between us; just that he had left and I had carried on as though he had never been a part of our lives. I had refused to talk about him to anyone; even Milly had quickly realised this is the one time even she couldn’t find a way in.

My eyes lock unwavering with Katie’s and she realises her mistake as the anger becomes visible in my face and my stance. I move away from the wall and start towards her; she steps backwards a couple of paces towards the top of the stairs and before I can react to the sound of the floor board cracking beneath her, she falls backwards, tumbling down the stairs. She is too far away for me to get close to try and stop her fall and when I get to the top of the stairs and look down to the bottom, I can see immediately that her neck had broken.

As I stare at her, I feel the charge of adrenaline and I concentrate on slowing my heart-rate back down. I have killed more than once as a soldier, sometimes in defence and sometimes by command, but not since Max King had I caused a death unintentionally. I carefully make my way to the bottom of the stairs and gaze down at her prone body, I check to confirm she is dead and then contemplate what I want to do next.

.

I stand back up off the wall, the rain dripping off me as I see the police car and ambulance arrive; after showing them where she is laying I go back outside and wait whilst they carry out the formalities.

I had told them almost the full truth, that I had been out running and afterwards had gone for a look inside Wiley's. I had seen her horse and heard footsteps, the only deviation from the truth being that I had heard her fall down the stairs before ever seeing or speaking to her. I am not going to hide that I was here, the mud from my trainers is visible and they will find traces of me all over the farmhouse. I have been coming in here after every run since buying Home Farm and most people in the village know this, so it wouldn’t be a surprise to anyone. I had removed any trace that she had gone a little further into the room than the top of the steps, it hadn’t taken much as she hadn’t really come more than a couple of paces into the room anyway.

I don’t feel any remorse, sadness but no remorse; maybe that will come later. I am sure whatever the police determine there will be those in the village who will suspect me anyway; but I am carrying my own grief, there is no room for Katie in my heart.

.

I let the police drop me off at home and I tell Joanna as soon as I get in that Katie is dead. It's only when I climb into the warm water of the bath that I realise how very cold I am. I don’t really know how Milly will react, it’s not like she was that close to Katie. The bigger problem is the dilemma this causes, do I tell Milly about my trip now or do I wait?

Milly on the face of it had taken the news better than I had expected, I had told her about my trip and Katie. She was quiet and clingy but there had been no tears. Time will tell if that is a good thing or not, she is still seeing a counsellor to help with what we went through last year, so I will find out one way or another how it affects her. The one thing I’ve learned with Milly these past months is that her emotional make-up is more different to mine than I had thought. She is much more like Amanda and Vic, she has to let everything out to process it. Me, I am the exact opposite, most of the time I internalise everything.

.

I had decided not to go with the Police to tell Andy, but if the village think I am hiding, it will only add to their suspicion. I had rung ahead and spoken to Diane to see how the land lies and she had said Andy is at the pub with them. He knew that it was me who had called the police and that I had been there, but that he hadn’t really reacted to this one way or another.

I walk into the pub carrying Milly close to me; a quiet descends for a moment as I go on through to the back room. Andy is sat on the sofa, his face puffy from crying, but he seems calm. Diane pours me a tea and for once I don’t make a comment about preferring coffee. Andy stares at me as I sit down at the table; thankfully Chas isn’t around.

Milly sits half on my knee, half in my arms with her head resting on my shoulder; her eyes are watching Andy intently, when she suddenly gets down and pushes herself onto his knee. I was about to go get her, when Diane puts a hand on my shoulder and holds me back. Milly shows Andy the card that she had drawn, telling him that Katie is with mummy now and that mummy will look after her in heaven.

I’m not too sure how I managed to have such a wonderful daughter as I watch her sat with Andy. After a little while Diane takes Milly with her into the bar, she sensed that we needed some time alone.

.

I move over and sit on the coffee table in front of him, “I’m so sorry Andy.” I mean the words, I had never meant for Katie to fall, but if I told him the truth I don't know what it would do to him; it won’t help anyone to know the truth. I know that I will feel the weight of the guilt eventually and I will have to deal with it, just like I had all those years ago after I had left Emmerdale. Even taking a life with the full sanction of the government doesn’t make it any easier, it finds a way of catching up with you one way or another. This is just one more secret that will go with me to my grave; Milly is my priority now and I am going to need her more than ever.

Andy looks at me, “What was she even doing there Rob?”

“I don’t know Andy, I don’t know; she must have seen me go in after my run.”

“You didn’t talk to her?”

I shook my head, “I saw her horse and I heard her come up the stairs....., I heard her fall before she found me."

“How am I going to cope Rob? I don’t know how to live without her.”

“Yes you do, you are strong Andy, stronger than you know.”

He leans forward and sobs in my arms and I hold onto him tight for what seems like an age. “If you need me Andy, you call me okay or just come up-to the house; it doesn’t matter what or when, you hear me?” I feel his body shudder but he nods his head and we continue to sit there for a while holding onto each other. We have always been at loggerheads over something or other, but we never stopped loving each other; we will never change I suspect.

.

I go back into the bar to collect Milly and I see Chas and Cain are there; Diane stands between us, creating our neutral zone. I can feel Chas’ hostility, she had needed someone to blame for Aaron leaving and she had blamed me. I hadn’t done or said anything to change that in all these months, I deserved everything she threw at me; she just didn’t know how much I deserved it and more....., much more.

I pick up Milly and we make to leave, when suddenly she is in my face; she doesn’t care today that Milly or Diane are there. Chas had lost Aaron and now she had lost Katie and she is pretty certain about who was to blame for both.

“Get out of my way Chas.” She stands her ground, her eyes glaring at me; I could feel Cain tense, he is watching but doesn’t move. I know he won't make a move on me unless I threaten Chas and he was pretty certain I wouldn’t do that with Milly in my arms. He also knew that if it came to it, he won’t stand a chance in a fight with me; none of them would, he had seen me kick off that day last October and what it had taken to stop me.

.

“You finally got rid of her didn’t you, eh Robert? What did you do, push her?”

I look at her straight in her eyes, “No, I didn’t touch her. She shouldn’t even have been there, she knew I didn’t want her anywhere near the farm, my home or my family.” I hold Milly close to me as I can feel her panic start to rise, she doesn't like confrontation. She had had two panic attacks last year when she had seen me and Aaron fight really badly just before he left; the counsellor said she connects it with losing people she loves.

I put my hand on Milly’s head to shield her from Chas and I try to walk around her and leave, but Chas catches my arm, throwing all her anger at me, “You won’t get away with it, whatever it was you did. You drove Aaron away, he could be dead for all you care and Katie is dead; you are poison Robert Sugden, pure poison. Jem is better off without you as a father.”

Milly is crying now and Cain has come much closer watching for my response; it isn't the response anyone is expecting to hear me say, and least of all myself, but my grief takes over, “Well you have your wish Chas, because Jem is dead; my daughter is dead and she will never know what it is like to have me as a father.” I didn’t even realise the tears were tumbling down my face as I walked out with Milly leaving a stunned pub in silence behind me.

TBC


	16. Haunted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron pushes everyone away and ignores all attempts at help; despite briefly returning to Emmerdale, he leaves once more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Suicidal thoughts  
> FME = Forensic Medical Expert / also works as police doctor
> 
> Posted Chapter 16 and 17 together.

Aaron - Friday 27th February 2015

Until Lee kicked me out last week you wouldn't have really noticed I was using unless you had looked closely. Despite getting thinner and needing to sleep a lot more, I hadn't really changed much in my appearance and the needle marks weren't in places you would ever normally see.

Whilst Lee was at work I could pretty much do what I wanted and he had never cared much what I got up-to, as long as I kept him happy when he was there. According to everyone the few months with me was the longest he had ever been together with anyone and it had started to change him. I knew he had fallen in love with me, or as much as Lee could love anyone like that; it had become more obvious since Christmas that it had developed into more, for him at least. He was hardly violent anymore as he had started to trust and confide in me, probably more than he has done with anyone for a long time, if ever.

I suppose this is why I did what I did....., that together with my increased tolerance. It didn't seem to matter what I took or how often, it didn't make it go away; nothing did anymore. There's only one thing that will give me peace now and I didn't care if that meant hurting Lee or anyone else in the process of getting it.

I knew Lee would have looked for me if I had just disappeared so I had made him push me away instead. I refused him sex, ignored him and day after day I did things that broke all his trust and pushed every button in him to the extreme. He couldn't even bribe me with the heroin which I had stopped taking on the last day I was with him. Once I had started to withdraw, together with everything else, he couldn't cope with me like this and he reacted just as I had known he would; he took the easy option and threw me out.

.

I had pretty much kept to myself, but a week of living rough has started to take its toll. Sleeping more than a couple hours at a time is almost impossible and I keep getting into fights as I learn where I can kip down and where to avoid. The worst though is the cold, it is so cold, last night was well below freezing. I have been to the shelter for food a couple of times but never for a bed, let's just say their opening and closing times don't fit with my working hours.

Sometimes I don't know why I am bothering, I had made my mind up weeks ago; but I need to push myself to that place in my head, past the point of no return so I don't give a shit that I am breaking the one promise to mum that had mattered. Then it's just a case of going somewhere with no way out and no-one will ever find me.

At least I will get to sleep in the warmth tonight, but this isn't so lucky as you would expect; being banged up in a holding cell in Leeds nick is not part of the plan. I had been careless and so desperate for a fix that I hadn't seen the police car round the corner.

Needless to say I declined the option to phone a friend when they charged me; the FME has given me some methadone and tomorrow morning I should be up before the magistrate so I will find out then if I just get a fine or worse. It's my first drugs offence but a class A drug and I have a record, so the chances of me going to prison for a few months are strong; I don't know if I can wait that long.

.

I look up when I hear the key turning in the cell door, but I just rest my head back down and close my eyes again. I'm tired and whilst it's the early afternoon quiet before the place starts to fill up with the Friday night crowd, I'm taking the opportunity to catch up on some sleep. Instead of getting a cell mate though as I was expecting, I am told to get up.

The custody sergeant escorts me into an interview room, I look at him confused as we sit waiting for whatever next; then two plain clothes come in. I realise that I recognise them from last October and I kick up out of the chair agitated and pace up and down the side of the room. Surprisingly they let me as they watch me for a while until I slide down the wall and wrap my arms around my knees; I lean my head back against the wall and close my eyes, not wanting to look at them. 

After I've calmed down, they bring me back to the table and I sit there in silence staring at my hands whilst I get the lecture; been through a traumatic event, take the chance I am being given, get clean and live my life.... blah blah.... I don't want their pity. I didn't realise the boys in blue had such a soft heart; they are releasing me without charge on the condition that I go onto a referral scheme for rehab.

As I wait to be signed out, I stare out through the wire mesh glass of the door to reception. I feel the panic rising and I try to turn back around not wanting to face them, being back in a cell is more appealing; but the custody sergeant wasn't having any of it as he firmly held my arm and walked me through. I couldn't look either of them in the eyes, I just stand there staring into space, my arms down by my side as mum hugs me. Cain is thoughtful as he watches us; he didn't say anything but his hand on my shoulder as we walk to the car is his way of telling me not to try and run. The silence in the car is deafening as we drive back to Emmerdale.

.

It's weird being back in my old room as I sit on the bed, looking around after my shower. Not all my stuff was at Home Farm, so I had found some clean clothes which are my own. I have to put a new notch in my belt to keep my jeans up though, they are hanging off my waist because I have lost so much weight.

The methadone I was given at the police station before I left will eventually wear off, but I've got good at lying and pretending; I'll be out of here soon enough one way or another. I go downstairs and stand a moment outside the door to the back room; I can hear voices from inside but it goes quiet when I walk in, everyone staring at me.

Mum is nervously stood by the kitchen counter, her hands fidgeting, "You okay, find everything you need?"

I nod my head and snort in contempt seeing Moira sat next to Cain at the table; they clearly thought having the local drug expert here might help in some way. As if thats going to make a difference I think to myself. I close the door and stand, leaning against it, "I'm not staying."

Mum comes and stands in front of me, she is doing her best not to lose it, "Love, let us help, don't leave, please stay and let us try."

My tone is hard, "I don't want your help," I look over at Moira, "Not unless you are going to go and buy me a pop when I need my next hit like you did for Holly," I give her a twisted smile as I continue, "or maybe you want to buy me for the night, I'm sure I can give you a better time than he can," my head nods in Cain's direction, and I see Moira has to hold him back.

Mum forces me to look at her, "Aaron stop, just stop, this isn't you talking. Don't go, you'll end up back in prison or worse; I can't lose you and I've already lost Katie, I won't lose you as well."

I look at mum but it is Moira who explains, "Robert found her at Wiley's, she must have fallen, broke her neck."

It's been a long time since I had heard Robert's name said out loud and it hit me hard inside; I look back at mum straight in the eyes, "I'm glad she's dead."

Mum looks at me shocked, "You don't mean that Aaron, she made a mistake, a stupid mistake."

.

I don't feel anything as I continue to stare at her; I had thought being back here would somehow weaken my resolve, but if anything it has made it much stronger. Being here is a reminder of everything, of all the pain and the hurt; it will never go away, I will never find peace. "I'm leaving and you can't stop me, you can't lock me in my room like a five year old."

Mum is crying now, her hands holding onto my arms as she looks pleadingly into my eyes, "I can try, Aaron, please....., please don't do this to yourself, stay. We love you, we love you so much."

I have nothing left for them, they aren't enough, not this time. I move mum backwards and push her reaching hands away; I give them one last look and I walk out. Mum tries to follow me, but it is Moira who holds her back; she had seen in my eyes that I wasn't in a place where they would get through to me. I thought Cain might try and stop me, but he doesn't.

I pick an old coat off the hook in the back corridor and walk into the bar. I open the till, Diane is so gobsmacked to see me, that she doesn't try and stop me as I take all the cash out and walk round the bar, towards the door. She starts to call after me, but I hear mum, "Let him go Diane, just let him go." I am oblivious to the silent stares in the pub as I walk out.

.

I pull the hood of the coat up over my head to keep dry from the pouring rain as I walk to the bus stop; I'm calm inside, strangely enough this has been exactly what I had needed. I just have to pick up a couple of things and get a final hit so I can make it through long enough to get me to where I need to go; I'm ready now.

It is starting to get dark as I wait for the bus into Hotten, hidden out of sight at the back of the bus shelter, when I hear the voice that haunts my sleep every time I close my eyes. I watch him from the shadows as he crosses the road, Milly holding his hand as they walk towards the coffee shop. He doesn't look any different, but yet I sense something is... I just don't know what.

He is the one person I did not want to see, I had never once tried to contact him after I left; over time the urge to come back here to try and make things right had gone away. I had tried to hate him, but I can't and now seeing him here, all I want to do is call his name. Fortunately I am saved by the bus coming, I get on and don't look back; I am dead to Robert Sugden and that is how it needs to stay.

.

Hotten isn't that big, after picking up a couple of things from the small diy store, it hadn't take me long to find where to buy a wrap and I find a quiet corner in an abandoned workshop to shoot up. I just manage to catch the last bus in time that will go up through the villages taking me to where I want to go. I stare out of the window watching the rain lash down until we reach the stop where I get off and walk the last stretch in the dark. The rain has stopped for a bit, but the wind is biting and the air cold as I walk up the dirt track to the derelict farmhouse.

.

I stand in the doorway of the outhouse and stare out; at this stage I am normally sinking into the little bit of peace that I still get from the drugs. I would have done this sooner, but I had clung onto the promise that I had made mum that I would never try and hurt myself again. This is stupid anyways considering what I've been doing to myself since I left, but the finality of this is scary, even though it is what I want more than anything. The heroin had made everything fade away for a while, but it wasn’t enough; the need inside me had taken an ever stronger hold in the last few weeks until it became all I thought about.

I had tried to sleep a little, but having seen his face once more, it's all I see when I try to close my eyes and I can't stand it. I don't want to see his face, to want his touch; I just want him to leave me alone and get out of my head, but he doesn't. Robert Sugden is haunting me worse than ever.

.

I pull the phone I had stolen from mum's bag out of my pocket; I smile to myself as I unlock it, she never was very inventive with her passcode. I flick through some of the pictures she has saved, I stop at one of me with Jem and I feel a tear escape. I look back into the darkness of the stone building where we had been held; I don't know what I was expecting by coming up here first. There is nothing that indicates we were ever here; it's just the same stone floor and cold, so very cold.

I pull up the contacts and scroll to the Home Farm number, my thumb hovering above it, then to Robert's mobile number. I scroll back to the Home Farm number and hit the green button. It rings and the answer machine clicks on, I smile as I hear Milly's voice telling me to leave a message after the beep. I don't say anything and after a moment I end the call quickly hitting the red button....., what the hell am I doing? I hadn't intended doing this, this wasn't ever part of the plan.

I stare out into the distance and start to walk down the track, the same route as they had led me down that night. I pull the torch I had bought in Hotten out of my pocket to guide my steps as I walk through the rain which is falling steadily and I dial the number again.

TBC


	17. Fate's Whisper

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron unexpectedly leaves Robert a final message which changes the course of both their lives once more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posted Chapter 16 and 17 together.

Aaron - Friday 27th February 2015

It's odd the things you remember, I had found my way down here without taking a wrong turn once; I shine the torch around me, thinking back to the last time I was in here. I had fought so hard to get free after he had told me they were taking Jem with them, that she would grow up with them and suffer all her life for the sins of the father; I wonder if she is still alive.

I pull the other things that I had bought in Hotten out from inside my coat. I could have just OD'd, I had thought about it lots of times, but this should have been my fate last October, it's been whispering to me for a long time now. The withdrawal will be mine to bear alone, no-one will hear me and if the need for the drugs becomes too strong I won't be able to leave; I had thrown the keys to the padlocks away as I got off the bus. Finally, this way, I will get the ultimate peace I crave so much.

.

Robert - Friday 27th February 2015

I throw the keys on the table as we get in, it's well past Milly's normal bedtime and I'm glad to be back in the warmth, out of the wet and the cold. "Come on you, go get changed and then I'll read you a story." Joanna has gone to some family birthday and is staying over a few days, so it's just me and Milly. I have enjoyed it being the two of us alone, it won't be long before Milly starts school and she'll need me less and less as she gets older and becomes more independent. I go and make a coffee before going up to Milly's room and read to her.

I must have dozed off because I wake up much later, still laid on Milly's bed. I switch the bedside lamp off, leaving her night light on and I continue to watch her sleep for a while, too lazy to move.

.

Robert - Saturday 28th February 2015

I roll over onto my back and grab Milly who is jumping on me with a gleeful face. I wipe the sleep from my eyes, holding Milly back before she jumps on me again; she is clearly amused that I had slept the night on her bed.

"Can we go swimming daddy? I want to go swimming?"

"I want, I want....., do you know what I want young miss?" She shakes her head giggling at me, "I want a shower and a cup of coffee and then we'll see what the day holds shall we?" She nods and we go downstairs, I get her breakfast things out and go up for a shower and some clean clothes.

I look out of the window and shudder, it looks cold and damp out, but at least it isn't raining. Going back downstairs I notice the light on the phone in the hall is flashing and I click on the messages as I go to pick up the post from behind the door. There is no message on the first call, I think to myself bloody cold callers, never leave you alone; I delete it and it flips to the next message.

There is a silence again and I'm almost about to delete it when I hear Aaron's voice and my heart feels like its stopped, "I saw you earlier...., in the village with Milly....., I want to hate you, but I can't." He doesn't say anything for a bit, but I can hear his breathing, it sounds like he's walking and it's raining wherever he is, "Do you remember the first time you told me you loved me, the sound of your voice was what kept me alive," he pauses again, "then all it did was haunt me....., but not anymore Robert, now I can finally go to sleep in peace." There is a prolonged silence again and then the call ends.

I'm pulled back from my shock by the beep of the answer-phone and I replay the message, a feeling of panic is working itself through me; the tone of his voice scares me more than the words themselves. I check the time when he left the message and realise it was late last night, shit... I look at my watch and listen a third time but this time I'm listening to the sounds in the background. I might be panicking over nothing but there is something in his voice that is chilling; I know I'm not being paranoid, I need to find him and quick.

.

The phone he had called from is Chas' mobile number, I run upstairs and grab some clothes and stuff for Milly, shove them in her little rucksack, then back down into the kitchen and scoop her up. She is still in her jamas and dressing gown as I grab the car keys and head outside, "I need to go somewhere important, so I'm going to take you to grandma's okay?" I look across at Milly who is looking frightened, she sees the panic in my face; I force myself to calm down and I smile at her until she relaxes a little. "It's nothing to worry about okay, I promise it's just....., it's just someone needs help."

Milly nods, I'm not sure she believes me as we speed very fast in the direction of the village. I call a contact, "I need a favour Tom, can you get me a location for this number," I reel off Chas' mobile number, "it made a call last night to Home Farm, two calls. It's urgent, really urgent..... yes... yes...., okay. Call me as soon as you have it, thanks I owe you big time." The call ends as we screech to a stop into the car park at the back of the pub. I grab Milly and her stuff and rush in through the back door, Chas is in the back room and the look of hate I get is tangible.

I can't tell her, not yet, I need to find him first, "Can you look after Milly for me? Please Chas, it's an emergency." We hadn't spoken since that day in the pub when Katie had died, I hadn't even been near the pub since then, but more because I didn't want to see the look of pity in people's faces knowing about Jem. I had pretty much ignored the village and focussed on spending time with Milly and going out for my runs each day, "Please Chas, I wouldn't ask if it wasn't very important."

.

She sits down at the table, suddenly looking tired, "He was here yesterday, did you know?"

I put Milly down, "Milly go take your stuff upstairs into your old room for me and get changed. I'll be up in a minute."

Milly huffed at me, but she went off and trudged up the stairs rucksack trailing behind her. I push the door to and look back at Chas, waiting to see what else she had to say. I know she hates me, but she looks more sad than anything today, like she no longer has the energy to be angry.

"He was arrested in Leeds for buying drugs, he wasn't the same person Robert....., he left; I don't know where to. He was so....., it's like he was dead inside, it's like he was before....., after Jackson.....," She realised I might not know about him

"He told me, he told me about what happened....., what he did."

"I just want my son back Robert, how do I get my son back?"

My phone rings and it's Tom. He gives me a pretty broad area of where he might be because the area is quite remote, but as soon as he told me, I know where he is. "I have to go Chas."

The anger comes back into her face, "You destroyed my son Robert, all he did was love you and you broke him."

I ignore the look she gives me as Milly comes through the door and I crouch down in front of her, "I have to go Milly, you might have to stay here tonight but I'll call you later okay?" She nods but she's knows something's wrong and she's unhappy with me. I hug her and give her a kiss on her forehead, "Hey....," she looks at me reluctantly, "I love you, be good and I'll make it up-to you, I promise, whatever you want." She nods as I give her one last squeeze and I leave.

.

I speed the car up the dale to Emmerdale Farm, I search every inch of the place, but I don't see any trace of him. I'm yelling his name at the top of my voice, but nothing as I stop and think; where can he be....., he came here for a reason.

I think back to the message and that he was walking, I stare down the track leading to the mine shaft. I go to the car and pull out a rucksack from the boot; I always have some kit with me just in case.

I run down to the mine shaft entrance pulling out a maglite stick, I can only hope that the tunnels haven't flooded with all the rain. I don't think the river had got that high yet, but I don't know for sure; I haven't been taking enough notice.

When I get to him, I find him lying in the mud and in the dark; he is in a whole world of pain. I pull out a bigger flashlight and shine it around and then back to Aaron, he looks terrible. "Aaron, look at me," I realise he has chained himself to the wall, just like they had done to him before, "Shit Aaron.... what the hell have you done?" He is sweating, shivering and rocking himself, curled up in a tight ball; he is clearly going through withdrawal. I don't have anything with me that will cut through the chain. He is mumbling and trying to push me away; I just ignore him and hold him still as I pick the lock of the padlock holding the chain around his neck. I lift him up as he continues to try and fight me, but he is no match as I carry him up through the tunnels.

I lay Aaron on the ground when we get outside and he looks worse than I had ever thought possible; he clings onto me as he throws up, his body retching. I need to decide what to do, I should really take him to hospital, but in the end I carry him to the car and drive home. On the way, I phone someone who I have known for a long time that doesn't live too far away and is discreet. We aren't exactly friends, but let's just say we have a history and he isn't exactly legit; but Nick is one hell of a doctor, when he isn't drinking himself to oblivion that is. He agrees to meet me at Home Farm.

.

I take Aaron up-to my room and strip him out of the wet clothes, shocked at seeing how thin he is. I dress him in dry clothes and wrap him in warm blankets; Nick had said to get Aaron drinking as much water as possible until he gets here. Aaron is in so much agony, I wasn't sure he is even aware that it's me he is with, but I hear him say my name as he begs me to get him a fix to take away the pain. I make him drink some water which he throws back up, it's like liquid of some sort or another is coming out of every part of his body; I keep forcing him to drink.

Nick finally arrives, he looks at me and gives me a smile, "This isn't going to be pretty," I look at him and then down at Aaron; I think I've worked that one out already as I watch Nick assess Aaron's condition until he tells me to go run a bath.

.

I had called Diane and asked her to look after Milly tonight. I don't tell her I have Aaron with me here like this. I want to give him time when he gets this crap out of his system to work out what he wants to do. It's got to be Aaron's decision if he wants to stay, who he wants to see and selfishly I need time to try put things right with him without anyone's interference; that's if he'll even give me the chance.

I can't help but cry as we try and help him, witnessing the damage I have caused. Aaron curls up in agony, trying to cope with the pain from the cramps in his stomach and legs, I have to hold him down when the headache gets so intense that it makes him want to bash his head against something to try and make it stop. He has diarreagh and doesn't sleep, he shivers and trembles permanently, covered in goose bumps. The worst is hearing him when he gets anxiety and panic attacks as we try and calm him down. We force him to eat a little bit and drink as much water as he can take, most of which he throws back up. He cries and screams at me as I ignore his pleas, begging me over and over to get him some heroin.

.

On the second day, Nick had explained to me what we were going to have to go through, not just the next few days, but the next few weeks. I had called Joanna and explained to her on the phone and she had agreed to take Milly away on holiday for a couple of weeks. She had made it clear she wasn't happy about not telling anyone in the village that Aaron is here, but I think she kind of understood too. Both Milly and Joanna are sat in the sitting room ready to go, cases packed. 

I sit Milly in front of me, "Milly, Joanna is going to take you on holiday for a couple of weeks by the seaside, somewhere nice and warm." She looks at me confused as she clearly recognises Aaron's voice crying out in pain from upstairs and she looks at me for an explanation. I see Joanna's look of discomfort about how I am handling this, but I ignore it.

Before she asks anything, I tell Milly the truth as much as I dare, "Yes it's Aaron....., he's here, but he is very sick and needs a lot of help to get better."

"Can't the doctor's make him better in the hospital?" then as she hears Aaron's shouts once more, she whispers, her bottom lip trembling, "Is he going to die? I don't want Aaron to die daddy."

I stroke her hair with my hand and pull her into my arms, "A doctor is helping him here; he's not going to die, I promise, but Aaron is hurting very badly."

"I want to see him, can I see him daddy?"

"No Milly, not yet...., when you get back....., if he still wants to be here." I don't want to promise, there is no guarantee that Aaron won't up and leave. I eventually get Milly to a point where she understands enough and I wave at her as she drives away with Joanna to the airport.

.

The next three days are some of the worst of my entire life as we go through a cycle of giving him over the counter meds, vitamins and lots of hot baths to help him fight the effects of withdrawal. Nick had asked me if I wanted him to give Aaron methadone or anything else stronger, but I don't care what pain he has to go through he needs to get this shit out of his system, so cold turkey it is... he can blame me all he wants for it later. 

As I watch him curled up on the bed shaking, I think back to last October. What happened at first brought us closer together, but I had quickly closed myself off as it became increasingly obvious we would never find Jem. Only Milly had any glimpse of the old me as I protected her from everything as much as possible; it took so much energy to hold it together for her and then in front of everyone else as well as trying to track down Jem that there wasn't anything left for Aaron. He took the full weight of my grief and I had eventually turned it on him.

I had never looked for him after he left; I didn't think he would ever forgive me, so I had coped in the only way I knew how, I flipped that switch in my head and blocked anything to do with him from our lives. Chas is right, he had been there for me until I had broken him and he couldn't take any more. The words I had spoken to him that last week hurt him more than any physical pain I could have inflicted, they could never be unsaid.

.

No matter how hard I had tried since though, I couldn't fill the massive hole in my heart, nothing and no-one could. I had been deluding myself that when he entered my dreams and my nightmares that I could continue to ignore the whisper of his voice, how he had made me feel when we first met and his final words to me as he left.

I go and curl up around him on the bed, ignoring the sweat pouring out of his body; he doesn't have the energy to push me away, though I think he would if he could. I hold him tight and kiss his head; I have no idea how I am going to make this right or if he will even let me try.

I cry quietly as I hold him. Seeing him like this is heartbreaking and I just keep whispering over and over in his ear, that he can do this; that I won't leave him, I won't ever let him be alone again. 

I know it's not that simple though, it will be Aaron's call if he ever wants me to be truly a part of his life again and it scares me more than anything what he might decide. The only thing I know for sure is that this time, I will fight to hold onto him; I won't let him go easily.

TBC


	18. We Just 'Are'

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron continues to slowly recover and Robert thinks back to when they rescued Aaron last October.

Robert - Friday 6th March 2015

"I'm going to die....., no more, please....., no more," Aaron falls onto his knees, as we stop after reaching Wiley's.

I look at him, then break out laughing. I know I shouldn't, but considering what he's been through in the last few days, him being out of breath from a bit of running that actually helps him feel better is not one of his more serious problems.

"What.....?" he looks up at me frustrated, trying to catch his breath, "don't laugh."

I'm still smiling at him, "Well, better to laugh than cry; so sort it out Livesy."

Aaron stands up, but the mood of the moment breaks as, bending half over, he throws up against the wall. I move over to where he is and stand, leaning against the wall next to him. I stare out over the fields, quietly waiting until he has finished, then I hold out a bottle of water for him, "Drink."

"What if I don't want to?" He looks up-to me wiping the spit from his mouth before leaning back over and retching a final time. I watch him recover himself, then he leans forward with his arm at a right angle on the wall, he rests his head forward against it and closes his eyes, taking slow deep breaths.

"Then I'll make you."

He looks across to me, wiping the last of the spit away from his mouth. I get the impression he is gauging if he wants to put this to the test, but thinks better of it and takes the bottle from my outstretched hand; standing properly upright from the wall, he drinks. I have no idea what is going through his head right now. When he is ready, we walk back in the direction of Home Farm.

.

For the last couple of days we have been out for walks several times each day and today I forced him to run. His cravings are still really bad, but Nick was right, getting him out is helping with the pain in his muscles and bones. The pain will go away the more he pushes himself physically, especially with the running; it increases his endorphin levels which are the brains' natural pain killers. The pain returns as soon as ever he stops for a breather, so I have to watch how far I push him and gauge what his body can cope with; the fresh air is good though, for both of us, to clear our heads.

We are careful when we are out that no-one sees us; he's made it clear he doesn't want anyone to know that he is at Home Farm. I can tell that, even though we hardly talk when we are out, Aaron is much more relaxed, the fresh air helping.

.

Robert - Sunday 8th March 2015

Nick had been living with us at first and we had taken it in turns to watch over Aaron, but he had gone home Wednesday; though he still comes each day to check on his progress.

Over the last couple of days Aaron has started sleeping more, usually two to three hours at a time. I daren't close my eyes when he is awake; Nick had warned me to watch for any triggers of depression which could send him spiralling out of control. I almost never let him out of my sight, frightened he would suddenly be gone, looking for a fix again; I thought he might have started to rebel against me for this, but he hasn't really, not yet anyway.

So as per Nick's instructions, happy distractions are order of the day. We have been watching a lot of TV especially the first few days, mostly sitcoms and comedies; finding anything really to take his mind off the pain. He listens to my iPod a lot whilst I read; I'd had to delete anything remotely depressing and had raided Milly's and Joanna's tunes. Music which, ironically before, neither of us would have been seen dead listening to; now it's what he needs to help him stay alive.

I'm not used to watching a lot of TV, it's never really been my thing; so after the first few days, when his attention span had improved, we have started to play some board games and cards. We both seem to find this relaxing and it also forces us to talk with each other a little; music playing quietly in the background.

He is still very thin and as he is starting to be a lot more active across the day he needs to eat real food; for a different kind of distraction, he helps me make our meals which is proving quite entertaining as neither of us are that used to cooking fresh meals.

Glimpses of the old Aaron are beginning to come through; it's coming....., each day a little more of everything, but its frustratingly slow.

.

I lean on my side, propping myself up with my arm as I watch him sleeping. He is wrapped up tight, dressing gown over his jamas, tucked in under the duvet; he is sweating like crazy, the toxins still pouring out of his system. I sleep with him, together in the same bed, but usually on top of the duvet; it's too hot for me otherwise. I smile as I get a waft of baby powder; I have to change the soaked bedding every day and put baby powder on the clean ones to help absorb the sweat. He still takes several baths each day to help relax his muscles and he covers himself in it afterwards. The smell reminds me of Jem and I have to close my eyes and roll onto my back, trying not to cry; it still hurts so badly whenever I think about her.

We just 'are' at the moment, we don't talk about before; I think we both recognise that we need each other. Albeit in different ways, we have both spent the last few months trying to run away from our grief and hurt; and only now, together, do we maybe have a chance to face what happened and find a way to move on. It's comfortable between us, in a screwed up kind of way.

I had been so scared to lose him that day, last October; looking back I don't understand why I made such a mess of everything afterwards.

.

Robert - October 2014, Day 8

Getting out of the water, I watch the paramedics silently as they work to remove the gag from Aaron's mouth and cut through the plasticuffs binding his hands behind him. He is deathly white, dark grey under his eyes as they roll him onto his back; he still has the chain around his neck. Someone shoves a flashlight in my hand; I kneel down closer and shine it over him to give them more light, "Come on Aaron, wake up....., please wake up."

I'm shaking, the water was freezing, Aaron is so deathly cold; we don't know for how long he has been in the water or unconscious, it's a miracle he hadn't drowned. I hear one of the paramedics say they can't find a pulse and I try to keep calm; I know this isn't unusual for hypothermia and watch as one of them checks his heart-beat and breathing, whilst the other puts in a warm IV.

"Is he breathing? Please tell me he is breathing," I can't keep the panic from my voice. I stare at him willing him to open his eyes, "Come on Aaron, I can't lose you, I love you, do you hear me? Don't you dare give up now, don't you dare," but there is no response; his eyes stay closed.

"We need to get him out of here now," the paramedic tells one of the rescue team to go to the surface, "make sure that ambulance is there and ready."

They wrap him in a foil blanket, then lift him onto the stretcher; they wrap me also in a foil blanket and we leave the mine. As soon as we get in the ambulance they start CPR on him.

.

Sat in the ambulance as we head to the hospital, I watch as they remove his wet clothing and start to try and warm him; they never stop with the CPR and place heat packs under his armpits and on his groin and abdomen. I know I have to be patient, they can't assess his unresponsiveness until his core body temperature starts to warm up; I know this, but it doesn't make it any easier as I sit there next to him. I lean over to him, my head close to his and I don't stop talking to him until we reach the hospital, in the hope that somehow he hears my voice; that he hears me tell him that I love him and that I need him.

When we get to the hospital they won't let me follow him as they take him into Resus; the nurse makes me change into some dry clothes and checks me over. Afterwards I go watch them through the window into the Resus area, as they continue to give Aaron CPR; he is still not moving.

I don't have the energy to stand, the adrenaline from the last thirty hours or so has left me and I am completely drained. I find myself sitting down on the floor, resting my head back; I must have closed my eyes because the next thing I know is a nurse is shaking my arm and I wake with a start, "He's breathing....., they've moved him."

.

Aaron - October 2014, Day 8

My eyes are heavy and it takes me a little while before I open them. I turn my head to the side and see mum sat, dozing in the chair to my left. She is holding my hand; as soon as I squeeze it, she opens her eyes and smiles at me tiredly, "Hey kiddo, howya feeling?"

I try to say something, but the words won't come out, my mouth is really dry; I lift my head, but quickly rest it back down as everything went blurry. Instead I look across at the empty chair on the other side of the bed and I hear mum say, "Paddy's gone to get a coffee, he'll be back in a few minutes."

Mum has to go out whilst the doctors check me over; in general I get the all clear but they tell me they are keeping me in as they are still giving me fluids and want to monitor me overnight. When they are finished, I'm exhausted and I close my eyes; I open them again as I hear both mum and Paddy come in. I try and speak again, mum gives me a drink of water and helps me sit up a little more. Things had started flooding back to me whilst the doctors were checking me over and I have questions, lots of questions; most of all I want to see Robert.

"Did they find Jem? Did Milly get back okay? Where's Robert, is he okay?" I feel the fear rising in me as I remember what the man had said to me when they had left me alone in the dark in the mine shaft and I start to panic. Paddy tries to help me calm down, but I get even more agitated as I see the look they exchange between them and this just makes me worse; I try to sit up and get out of bed.

Paddy is on his way out to go and call a doctor when I see Robert at the door. He walks towards my bed, looking as exhausted as I feel; Paddy hesitates uncertain what to do, but doesn't try and stop him. Mum, however, starts to tell Robert to leave, but he just ignores her as he sits on the bed and pulls me into his arms and I quieten immediately as we hold onto each other.

I don't notice as Paddy practically forces mum out of the room still protesting, leaving us alone together; he makes her stay outside, but they both watch us through the window.

.

After a few minutes, we release each other a little; Robert looks into my eyes as he strokes his hand through my hair and kisses my forehead.

I have to know, "What about Jem, did you find Jem?" I can't hold back the tears and rest my head a minute against him before raising it again, a little more composed, "I couldn't stop them......, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry....., they just took her, I tried.....," he wipes the tears from my eyes with his hand as I look at him, "What about Milly?"

"They are still looking for Jem," he smiles at me sadly, "but Milly is fine; you got her safe; she's back at the pub with Diane."

Robert lays down on the bed with me and I rest against him, he wraps his arms around me, "I don't understand why they took us, what did they want?" Before he can answer, some people come in; a combination of police and military to ask questions. I expected Robert to get up or pull away, but he didn't; we stayed exactly as we were, in each other's arms.

Robert squeezes me, "Me....., they wanted me to do something for them, but it didn't work."

Over the next couple of hours, I tell them everything that happened and keep re-going over things as they ask their questions. During this time we have shifted, so we are sitting more upright against the pillows; but Robert is now resting in my arms, his arm draped across my front. I can feel his body against mine, reacting at certain points or he turns his head into me, as if trying to hide within me from the others in the room, when it's getting too difficult for him to hear.

When I get to the last part I look at Robert directly in his eyes; I tell them all the last thing they said to me about Jem.

Robert's head falls back against the pillow and he closes his eyes, the sadness in him is visible for everyone in the room, causing an awkward silence. Eventually he rests his head forward against me and I kiss the top of his head with my hand stroking through his hair. I don't know where he gets his strength from, as he holds back the tears that I can see building in his eyes.

He looks at his Colonel who is also present and says, "We all know she's gone, we'll never find her; they'll make sure of that." They all leave not long afterwards and as soon as the door closes, he can't hold back any longer and he cries in my arms for a very long time; his entire body shuddering. His fingers dig into me as he tries, unsuccessfully, to control his emotions; they consume him.

TBC


	19. Withdrawal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron contemplates Milly's return and how after being released from the hospital last October, Robert had started to change as he continued to search for Jem.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posted Chapter 19 and 20 together.

Aaron - Friday 13th March 2015

Today I feel for the first time that my body is actually beginning to really recover. All the physical side effects from the withdrawal have stopped now, apart from the craving and tiredness. At least once a day Robert has me hitting five miles, a combination of walking and running; this was the challenge he gave me, that by Sunday night we would run the full five miles. I'm not competitive like he is, but the goal he set was something to aim for and there is no denying that the running had made me feel almost normal again, as if the heroin had never taken hold of my life.

The craving is a lot less, but it's there in the back of my mind; I'm not sure sometimes if it's a real craving or just that I no longer have the routine of shooting up several times a day. The tiredness is the worst now; I kid myself that this is because slave driver Sugden is pushing me to run and walk further every time we are out; but I know it's not the reason I'm not sleeping properly, we both know the real reason and at some point before Monday we are going to have to talk.

.

I look across at him, sat on the window sill downstairs at Wiley's; it doesn't matter which direction we take from Home Farm, walking or running, we always end up here. He's staring at the drawings, plans and ideas on wall in front of him; some drawn onto the old wall and some scribbled onto paper he's stuck up there. I go sit next to him, taking a drink from my water bottle, "You think you'll ever do it?"

He looks at me, "Maybe." I see him look across at the bottom of the stairs. He hadn't wanted to talk about it, but I had pushed him earlier in the week and he had told me it's where Katie had fallen. I'm not sure if this is what's holding him back, but I know something is. I don't mention Andy, this had been what had started one of our last arguments before I left.

It seems like a lifetime since we met at the beginning of last October. We had been closer than ever for a short while after I had left the hospital, but what made us so close is what ripped us apart in the end; when in November we had finally said out loud the words that had been hanging unspoken between us and once spoken they couldn't be taken back. 

Milly comes home Monday, so we're safe in our Home Farm bubble for another couple of days; but what about when she comes back? What then?

.

Aaron - November 2014

We had lived back in the pub when I left hospital and in the beginning things were oddly normal, but at the same time not. Cain had brought me home from the hospital instead of Robert, which had been the original plan; but he had been taken back to Hereford. Apparently he had let loose at Katie in the pub the night before after finding out somehow that she had heard the messages he had left for me to go back to the pub; but that she hadn't told me when she saw me in the coffee shop. From what Cain had said it took half his team to hold him back from killing her and looking at the state of the bar when I got home it looked like world war three had hit.

Robert was very quiet and clingy for the first few days when he got back, spending all his time with me or Milly. We even continued building the wall up at the farm in the afternoons, where we had talked about what we were going to do. Despite what had happened, I remember feeling optimistic about our future when he had said he still wanted to stay in Emmerdale. He had been given a big pay-off from the MOD and they had speeded everything up, so officially he was out of the army.

The first few days, he seemed to be in a kind of daze, numb to everything that had happened; this turned out to be the calm before the storm.

.

When Robert acts, he doesn't hang around, he knows how to make things happen. He had put an offer in for Home Farm after learning the owners wanted to sell and he bought it as is, furniture, the lot. Two weeks later at the end of October he had the keys. Mum tried to stop me moving in with him, saying it's too soon, so I had left some stuff at the pub and agreed to live between there and Home Farm; but the reality was that I lived full-time with Robert and Milly.

After those first few days he had started to look for the people who had taken us and the people higher up the chain that had given the orders. In the beginning he would talk to me about his search, the leads he had and where he was going when he went off following up on information about where she might be; sometimes in the UK, sometimes overseas. Then gradually I started to see the signs; like the one night he had bombarded me with questions about when we had been taken. What they had said, what they had looked like; he was relentless, making me go over it all again and again until I was shaking with tears. When he had realised how far he had pushed me, he had quickly pulled himself out of it and comforted me, apologising non-stop, making love to me afterwards; but Robert was changing.

At the end of October when we were moving into Home Farm, he had come back from a trip and found me dismantling Jem's cot in his room at the pub; I had bagged up Jem's stuff and he flipped completely, throwing me back against the wall and then frantically started to put the cot back together, accusing me of giving up on finding her. He wasn't thinking rationally, we wouldn't have used the travel cot anyway up at Home Farm if he ever found her; but these were the physical reminders for him and he wasn't ready to let go of them.

.

To the outside world though and even Milly, he was moving on with his life. He had a new job, he was careful to be the same father to Milly as before, making sure when he was home he had his one-on-one time with her. He got her into nursery and we made sure she had her routine. However, inside, I could see he was getting more desperate as the days went by; not being able to face that they might never find Jem and if they did, would she even be alive? Their last words about her were taunting him. He would wake up at night screaming her name and I would hold onto him as he wept uncontrollably in my arms; it was tearing him apart inside. No-one saw any of this but me.

Robert wasn't the only one with nightmares, Milly found it difficult to go to sleep and she would wake up crying during the night. She was seeing a counsellor and I think it was good for her, but when Robert was away she hardly left my side; scared that the men would come for her and take her away if she was on her own. I had my own nightmares, but I pushed them away and focussed on helping Milly and Robert cope with their loss.

As we moved into November he had started to become much more withdrawn and unpredictable, especially when we were on our own at night when I never knew which Robert I would get to see; the loving boyfriend or the desperate father, there isn't hardly any grey in-between.

.

Aaron - Saturday 15th November 2014

Milly is already in bed and we are sitting in the kitchen after finishing off a takeaway. Robert had just come back earlier from another trip, he looks tired but gets up and puts arms around me, kissing my head; he rests his chin on my shoulder a minute, "I need another beer, do you want one?"

I nod my head, deciding now is maybe as good a time as any to tell him the most recent news from the village. I don't want him to hear it from anyone else, but I'm not sure how he is going to react, "I have something to tell you."

He looks at me warily as he goes and sits on the sofa in the other room and starts playing with the label on the neck of his beer bottle, scratching at it with his finger nails restlessly, "Oh yeah? Am I going to like it?"

I go and sit on the arm of the sofa, the opposite end to Robert, my feet resting inwards on the cushions and take a drink of my beer, and then another, "Probably not." This is most definitely an understatement.

He turns and lays back on the sofa, resting the beer bottle on his stomach as he stretches out his legs along the cushions, his feet close to mine, "Well go on then, don't keep me in suspense."

I take a deep breath, "Andy and Katie have got back together and decided to go ahead with the wedding as planned on Christmas Day."

It's silent for a moment, he doesn't react as badly as maybe I expected him to; though his voice is bitter, "Well good luck to them, if he is stupid enough to stay with her, then they deserve each other."

I take another deep breath and another swig of my beer, thinking I'm going to need another one very quickly at this rate, "That's not quite everything." I hesitate and Robert waits for me to continue, "Andy wants to come and see you....., he wants to ask you to sell him Wiley's."

.

"I don't fucking think so, not in my lifetime or any come to that." He gets up and paces up and down angrily behind the sofa, "I don't want her anywhere near this place or my family. He must have taken some happy pills if he is stupid enough to think I'll let him have Wiley's for as long as he is with her. Next he'll be asking me to give it to them as a wedding present."

I decide not to say anything to this as I watch him pace up and down. Diane had asked me to try and convince Robert to do just that, or at least get him to sell it to Andy; an olive branch between brothers. Apparently she seems to think I have some magic power over Robert.

I'm too soft for my own good as I eventually say, "He is your brother."

He looks at me suspiciously as he continues to pace up and down, "You think I'm being too hard, that I should forgive her?"

I shrug my shoulders, "I think you love Andy."

There is a vehemence in his voice now, he stops pacing and turns to look at me, "What....., and you think that makes everything else go away....., that it makes everything suddenly alright....., 'love'?" He is angry now and I drop the beer bottle to the floor as he grabs hold of me and pushes me down so I'm laid horizontally on the sofa, his hands grabbing onto the front of my hoodie pressing me down hard. He leans over me, his face almost touching mine, "Do you forgive her Aaron? Do you forgive her for what happened to you, to Jem?"

.

I'm scared of him; for the first time I am scared of what he might do and I try to push him up off me, but he's too strong for me as he forces me back down on the sofa. This time he has his knee on my front, pressing down so hard I think he's going to break a rib. Robert's eyes coldly bore into mine as I try and make him see sense, "Stop blaming Katie, she didn't know that would happen. She would never have knowingly put us in danger, you know that.....; Robert, deep down you know that."

For the next few seconds it's eerily still, where I think he's going to hurt me, really hurt me; but he suddenly lets go and I jump as he picks up his beer bottle and throws it into the fire, glass smashing everywhere.

It's only then that we hear Milly who is stood there in her jamas, her arms hanging down by her sides, holding onto her teddy in her hand; her eyes are wide open staring at us as she struggles to catch her breath, having a panic attack. It's like a switch flips in Robert as he goes to her, quickly talking her back to normal breathing. He picks her up and takes her upstairs to bed, not once looking back at me.

I lie back on the sofa in shock, realising I am shaking; it takes me a while to stop as I consider whether to go back to the pub for the night. In the end I don't, I go back upstairs to our own bed; I don't know where Robert slept, but it wasn't with me.

TBC


	20. The Dead Don't Cry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things continue to deteriorate between Robert and Aaron until Aaron finally leaves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posted Chapter 19 and 20 together.

Aaron - Monday 17th November 2014

Things didn't really improve between us much yesterday, though to be honest we had hardly seen each other. I had already promised to help Moira up at the farm so I left around five-thirty and didn't get in until after nine; having eaten at the farm, we had then gone to the pub after for a couple of pints. Milly was already in bed when I got in, I'd said hello quickly to Robert when I got back; he was on his laptop in what was the old office that he now uses as a study and then I went for a bath and straight to bed. I heard Robert come to bed, at least he came to our bed: but he may as well have been on a different planet, the void that's been growing between us for the last few weeks getting bigger.

Today's just been one of those days really; where everything that could go wrong, did go wrong. I'd slept over this morning; I had never even heard Robert get out of bed and he didn't wake me. I serviced the wrong car at the garage and got an earful from Debbie when I left to go up-to the farm, where the quad bike kept breaking down. When I finally finish up in the top barn and get back to the farmhouse, I realise that I am going to be late for picking up Milly. I sigh with relief that she's still waiting for me when I get there; she grins at me as I get a telling off from one of the staff for being so late.

.

Milly talks me into taking her to the park for a while before going home, promising not to tell I was late picking her up; though this had sounded suspiciously like blackmail. I am sat on the swings watching her as she plays on the climbing frame and slide. I think to myself I don't know where she gets her energy from as she bounds between all the different things to do. She waves at me from the top of the slide, smiling away to herself as she hurls herself down it and then runs round, up the steps and does it all over again.

Looking at my watch, I get up from the swing and walk over to her, "Come on you, time to go; don't know about you, but I'm hungry. What do you want for tea?"

"Fish finger sandwiches," her favourite. I smile because Robert hates them, however he had left a message he wouldn't be home until late, so it's just me and Milly for tea. I feel another attempt at blackmail coming along, Milly isn't too young to be crafty like that.

"Mmmmh, we'll see," and she gives me a look that confirms blackmail will be her next move.

"One more, Aaron, one more."

"Okay, but then we are done; it's getting dark."

I'm stood at the bottom of the slide watching as she runs round to the steps. She's half way up when she loses her footing from trying to run up too quick and she falls down, hitting her face on one of the steps as she falls. I'm already catching her before she falls too far, but the damage is done as she has blood pouring out of her mouth and she bursts into tears.

.

It was actually quick in A&E, Robert still isn't home yet when we get in. Milly had wanted to wait up for him, to show him her broken tooth, of which she was strangely very proud; but she couldn't hold out and she is already in bed when he comes home.

Robert makes himself a coffee and he sits down at the breakfast bar. He notices Milly's broken tooth on the counter top and looks at me, "Slight accident at the park," I see the immediate panic in his face as he starts to get up-to go see her, but I put my hand on his arm, "Milly's fine, the doctor gave her something for the pain and she's in bed fast asleep; let her tell you all about it in the morning." I smile at him, "She's too quick for her own good....., she's just like her father."

Robert sits back down, looking tired and fiddles with his mug. I watch him get up as he comes round and sits on the stool by where I am standing, pulling me to him; he silently rests his forehead against my chest. I put my hands around him and I kiss his head; I'm not ready to give up on him yet. I had thought about it yesterday whilst I was working up at the farm, but I know he is only like he is because he is so broken inside about Jem, not having found a way to really deal with it still.

I ask, "You want some food?"

"No, I ate already."

Then Robert pulls me onto his knees so I am straddling him and we kiss and the kissing deepens, becoming more passionate; it's the closest I've felt to him in what seems ages. We haven't had sex for a couple of weeks and I can feel the need in both of us as we push against each other; but it's more than the need for sex, it's like a re-connection of something else. He stops a moment, running his hand through my hair, down my cheek, "I'm sorry."

But I don't care about that right now, "I don't want you to be sorry Robert, I just want you." I pull my sweatshirt off over my head and we start tugging at each other's clothes, which fall to the floor wherever we are, as we make our way over to the stair case; kissing and reaching for each other. We lay on top of each other, naked at the bottom of the stairs; our hands stroking each other off, kissing frantically as we start to edge up the steps.

Then it all comes to a stop as the phone rings, Robert hesitates. I know he wants me, but he drops his head, his need to answer the phone is greater; just in case it is that one phone call that brings his daughter back to him. He kisses my forehead as he gets off me and goes to answer the phone. I lay back and rest my head on one of the steps, staring upwards at the ceiling. Robert walks over, lost in conversation with whoever on the other end of the phone, as he collects his clothes and heads into his study. I start to stroke myself still laying on the stairs, but it's not happening; my hard-on has gone and after I while I give up and go up-to bed alone.

.

Aaron - Tuesday 18th November 2014

Seeing how he is at home this week, it was Robert's turn to pick up Milly and I had been to the pub for tea with Paddy, Rhona and Leo. It had been nice spending time with them, I've hardly seen them recently between everything; the garage, Butlers and Home Farm. I think mum had put Paddy up-to having a 'chat' as she was worried about me. I think I did a good enough job at lying to them, there's not much at the minute that isn't wrong; but they are worry buckets enough without me giving them something to actually latch onto.

I am feeling quite relaxed as I get home, just after nine. Robert seems agitated, not even acknowledging I'd got back as I walk into the kitchen; he is busy concentrating on the screen of his laptop. I go and put my hands on his shoulders, resting my chin on one hand so I can see over at what he is looking at. They look like surveillance photos of some buildings, not in the UK that's for sure, but it doesn't say where, so I ask, "What are they of?"

Robert just shrugs me off, "No-where in particular, nothing you need to know about," he picks up his stuff and goes into his study, shutting the door behind him. I hear the phone ring and he starts talking.

.

I huff to myself and get a beer out of the fridge. I open it and neck a third of the bottle without stopping; then talking to myself out loud, "Do you know what, I've had enough of this," and I bang the beer bottle down on the counter and go barge into his study. He's so distracted with the call that he doesn't see what I'm going to do until it's too late and before he can stop me, I've pulled the phone out of his hand, telling whoever is on the other end, "He'll call you back," and I press the end call button.

I'm moving quickly backwards to the other side of the room, he is over the desk immediately and I fend him off as I pull the battery out of the casing, then throw the two parts to opposite sides of the room; I hear them clatter to the floor. Robert's fury is palpable as he catches me and smashes me, facing forward, up against the wall. He is holding my arm up behind my back at a sharp, painful angle and he has grabbed a fistful of my hair in his hand which he is using to pull my head backwards. He is standing behind me, his body preventing me from moving as he pins me to the wall; I can feel his breath on my neck as I tell him, "You're getting slow Sugden."

He suddenly releases me and spins me round so I am facing him, but he is still holding me hard against the wall, glaring at me, "That was important."

I glare back at him, "They're all important, more important to you than Milly, than me, than everything. This isn't going to work Robert unless you start talking to me; stop shutting me out."

I hear another phone ringing; I didn't even know he had another phone. I snort angrily and shake my head slowly at him; I wonder what else he has that I don't know about.

He doesn't attempt to answer it as he releases his hold on me and stands back, "What do you want Aaron? You want me just to give up hope, to stop searching; move on and forget she ever existed?"

"No....., and that's not fair, I will carry what happened with me for the rest of my life; but you have a family who are still here. You have a life....., a life with Milly, with me and our families in the village; people who love us all very much. We all need you too....., I need you." I can feel the pleading in my voice and my eyes, "You have to find a way to live again Robert, because it's tearing you apart inside, it's tearing us apart."

I put my hand on his arm and rest my head against his, "I don't want you to give up, I want you to let me in; let me help. You can't do this alone Robert....., you need me as much as I need you."

He pushes me away and I follow him as he walks into the kitchen.

.

Robert gets down a bottle of whiskey from the kitchen cupboard and pours himself some into a glass and downs it in one. He looks at me, his gaze unwavering as he pours himself a second glass, before he finally releases the grief and desperation that has been building inside him and turns it on me.

"How can I need you when I can't trust you to keep her safe? How can I trust you with Milly after what happened with Jem? You can't even take her to the park without her getting hurt."

"It was a simple accident. What are you going to do Robert, wrap her up in cotton wool for the rest of her life? You won't always be there to protect her."

Robert comes over to me and his eyes pierce into mine; his face and tone are hard. It's like I don't even recognise him anymore; whatever is going on inside him has taken over, "I wouldn't expect you to understand, you have no idea what it's like to be a father; I'll do whatever is necessary to keep Milly safe, I'll protect her with my life and I'll never give up looking for Jem, never. You should have fought harder, you let them take my daughter."

I push him away from me as hard as I can and this time, it is me smashing him back up against the kitchen units, pressing against him with my arm across his chest, "No, don't you dare, don't you dare put the blame on me for what happened to Jem. I know it hurts Robert, I miss Jem just as much as you. You think you are the only one in pain, the only one who has nightmares.....? It was me that used to get her to sleep remember, me that they took and left to die whilst you were off saving the world. All I think about when I close my eyes is 'could I have done more to stop them?' I tried to fight them off, I fought them as hard as I could. Would it make you any happier if they had killed me? Will that make the hurt go away, make you feel better?"

I release him and I go into his study, returning to the kitchen with the handgun I know he keeps in the bottom drawer; the old Robert would never have kept a gun in an unlocked drawer like that. I go and force it into his hand, pulling it up so he is holding it against the underside of my chin, my voice rising angrily, "Here, finish the job. You should have just left me to die in the mine, I mean it's what I deserve right? Oh, but then you would have had to hire a nanny to look after your daughter every time you go chasing off."

I then ask him the question that he is too afraid to ask himself, "What will you do if you never find her or if you find her and she's dead, what then Robert?"

.

It's at this point I recognise for the first time, that the old Robert is truly gone; his eyes never waver as he pulls the trigger, my entire body jumps at the sound. He doesn't move at first, his expression remains frozen but after a moment he goes to the counter, putting the gun on the top and takes a drink of his whiskey. I watch him stood there so composed as I stand shaking, the sound of the trigger repeating in my head. I'm pretty sure he knew the clip was empty, but his message was loud and clear; the Robert Sugden I had fallen in love with is dead and as far as he is concerned, he wished I was dead too.

He finally breaks the silence, calm and controlled; his voice without any hint that he ever felt anything for me, "Now do you get it? I can never trust you; I don't want you here and I don't love you."

I turn and go upstairs where I pack a bag with a few clothes. When I go back into the kitchen, he's now stood leaning back against the kitchen worktop, the whiskey glass empty on the side.

Milly must have followed me down, because she comes in and stands in the middle of the kitchen, rubbing her eyes and smiles at me, "Can't sleep....., my tooth hurts."

Robert says, "Go back to bed Milly," She sees my bag and looks at me curiously and then to Robert.

I start walking towards her, I want to hug her goodbye; but Robert moves very quickly and pushes me back away from her by my shoulders, so hard that I fall on the floor.

"Milly, get back upstairs, now, right now!" but she ignores him and stands there watching us; I see her panic attack start and instinctively I start to move towards her, but Robert is once again quickly in front of me, blocking my way as he drags me up. He's almost lifting me off the floor as he holds me up by the front of my coat; his voice quietly vehement as he says, "Don't touch her; I've lost one daughter because of you, I'm not going to lose another. We don't need you and I don't want you in our lives; get out Aaron, get out and never come back."

I look straight into his eyes, "The only reason they took us was because of you; where were you when we needed you Robert? If you want someone to blame, then go look in the mirror." I thought he was going to kill me, but he let me go and went to Milly.

I go and pick up my bag, but I turn round in the kitchen doorway, "You talk about trust....., I gave you all the love I have to give and I trusted you with my heart; but it isn't enough for you just to break it; you've shattered it, you've shattered it completely."

I don't look back as I leave Home Farm....., as I leave Emmerdale. I have no tears as I walk, the dead don't cry.

TBC

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is what I was listening to when finishing off the last part of this chapter: "Lacrymosa" by Evanescence. It put me in just the right headspace for where both the boys are emotionally; its as much the music as the lyrics.
> 
> Out on your own,  
> Cold and alone again.  
> Can this be what you really wanted, baby?
> 
> Blame it on me,  
> Set your guilt free.  
> Nothing can hold you back now.
> 
> Now that you're gone,  
> I feel like myself again.  
> Grieving the things I can't repair and willing...
> 
> To let you blame it on me,  
> And set your guilt free.  
> I don't want to hold you back now love.
> 
> I can't change who I am.  
> Not this time, I won't lie to keep you near me.  
> And in this short life, there's no time to waste on giving up.  
> My love wasn't enough.
> 
> And you can blame it on me,  
> Just set your guilt free, honey.  
> I don't want to hold you back now love.


	21. Broken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert and Aaron talk for the first time about what happened between them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this world Adam doesn't have an thing with Vanessa and there's no summer disaster.
> 
> I realised on Sunday that I had got across with my years and was 1 year ahead wherever I had put an actual date, so I had to go back and correct them through all the chapters.... I can't believe anyone didn't tell me, unless nobody noticed...... All good now though xx

Robert - Sunday 15th March 2015

I'd come up earlier in the day and left the cool box full of beers at Wiley's ready to celebrate; I knew he'd do it, even if it was just to spite me. He ran the five miles without stopping and hasn't thrown up once, I'd say that in itself is a win; I can't resist proudly smiling at him.

Already drinking my beer, I go sit on the floor, leaning against the wall under the window. Aaron removes the screw-top of the bottle I'd handed him on my way past, but he's laid out on the floor, head resting on the floorboards with his eyes closed; still breathing too heavily to think about drinking just yet. 

After a while, Aaron moves on to his side, propping himself up with his elbow, smiling at me after taking his first drink, "Told you I'd do it, ye of little faith." 

"I never said you wouldn't, you did good." I smile back at him through the shadows. It's dark out but I can still make out his face, lit up by the couple of lamps I keep in here; he still looks unusually thin, but a lot healthier than he did two weeks ago.

Ever since Christmas, when I'm home, I've got into the habit of running up to Wiley's quite often on a night after Milly has gone to sleep. It's relaxing, sitting in the quiet with no distractions; sometimes I'd think about the plans on the wall, sometimes I'd just let my mind wander.

.

Our first beers go down very quickly, Aaron goes and fetches us both another bottle each; he looks at me quietly, pausing before he sits back down, "I can't be here tomorrow, you know that right?"

I nod sadly, "I know." I'd been expecting this and I'd promised myself that I wouldn't push him; I don't have the right. I want to beg him to stay and tell him I love him; I'd said it over and over when he was going through the toughest days of the withdrawal, but saying it now would be different. Not that I mean it any less, just that now he is fully aware and the words carry so much baggage with them; I know he's not ready....., he might never be.

I fiddle with the label of my beer bottle, a bad habit of mine, "Where are you goin' to go?"

"Not sure. I thought I'd go see Adam first; see if I can crash with him and Vic for a while."

"Not the pub?"

He gives a little shrug saying, "Too much pressure, you know what mum's like and she'd get to me through Paddy one way or another if I stayed with them. He might not even want me there either....., you know....., just in case; he has Leo and Rhona to think about."

I know what he means, "Don't really know Adam. I've seen him around a little bit, but I haven't been in the village much. He started up his own business though; a scrap yard, that I do know. It's down by the B&B Val had a merry fit when it opened from what I heard." I smile at the memory of Vic impersonating Val freaking out, she had the voice down to a tee, "Vic and Diane keep me informed, Vic usually calls round at least once a week when I'm home, but she ends up gassing with Joanna most of the time; apparently I don't listen to half of what she says."

Aaron gives me a knowing look and I shrug my shoulders, grinning, "Selective hearing....., what can I say; it's an essential skill when there's women around. A bit like when Milly goes on about a new whatever; there's only so much I can take before I have to switch off."

.

I feel the sadness building in me once more as we let the quiet fall between us; I've got used to sleeping in the same bed with Aaron again, but I just don't know where to even start to try and make it right. How do you make what I did right? It's not as though we just had a run of the mill argument; I fired a gun on him and before that I had been shutting him out, not interested in what he was going through. A little more seriously, I say, "You should keep up the running though....., it'll still help."

He looks at me a little nervously, "Was thinking we could still go running together? When you're home at least; make sure I don't slack off."

I can't hide my surprise, nor the half smile, it's at least something that he doesn't want to cut all ties to me completely, "Sure, we'll just meet and finish here early doors; keep it simple."

Aaron smiles back at me, "Deal."

We have another beer before heading back to Home Farm. We are quiet most of the way there, lost in our own thoughts I suppose. We both know that from tomorrow everything changes; tomorrow the bubble we have been living in for the last couple of weeks will burst and the real world will take over.

.

Once back at Home Farm, I have a shower and Aaron has a quick bath; both together in the en suite bathroom attached to my bedroom. It's so odd even saying that whilst Aaron is here, because it used to be our bedroom. We are not together anymore, but there are no inhibitions between us physically, we are completely comfortable with seeing each other naked. I suppose because the first few days of his withdrawal were so intense and sometimes got messy and even quite physical as we battled to get him through the worst, it just wasn't something that we had thought about and once he started getting better, it felt natural.

I hesitate as I go into the bedroom; thinking maybe I should sleep in the other room. It feels different now that he's said he's leaving tomorrow, but I don't want to lose this last night of having him close to me; I might never have the chance again. We hadn't really talked as much at Wiley's as I expected; maybe it's still too soon, maybe we'll never talk about it.

I climb into bed and lay on my back staring at the ceiling; a minute after, Aaron gets in the other side. I can smell his toothpaste as I say, "Night," and I switch off my bedside light still staring up into the darkness. I have to turn onto my side with my back to him, willing my hard on to go away; everything about him makes me want to make love to him and I have to force myself to go to sleep.

.

I've been awake for a while, tossing and turning, getting more and more frustrated at not being able to get back to sleep. I look at the clock, it's just after four; exasperated I finally give up, get out of bed and walk across to the window. We hadn't got round to pulling the curtains and I stare out over the garden and surrounding fields, watching the shadows from the moonlight come and go, as the clouds move across the sky.

I look back as I suddenly feel Aaron behind me, "Sorry....., I couldn't sleep."

He leans with his side against the window, I can see his face clearly in the moonlight and suddenly I can't help it, as I feel one tear and then another, until they are running down my face; stupid things won't stop.

I turn away from him, moving to leave so he won’t see, but Aaron stops me and he catches me in his arms as I crumble into him. My weight forces him down onto the floor and I curl up in his arms, as he quietly rocks me. He's supposed to be the teary one, but other than when he was crying and screaming for the drugs that first couple of days, when I think about it he hasn't cried at all; it's been me doing all the crying since he's been here.

Eventually I stop and still with his arms around me, he kisses the top of my head, stroking his hand through my hair and I hear him whisper, "Thank you."

I wipe my nose and the tears away with my hand, "What for? I haven't done anything except make a mess of everything, I don't know how you can even stand to be near me after what I did. I can say sorry over and over, but I know it will never be enough." I feel the tears coming again, I hurt so badly the person I want to spend the rest of my life with; all because I couldn't get past my own pain and grief.

I look at him sadly, "And it won't will it, it'll never be like it was between us?"

He doesn't answer immediately, but I can tell from his body shifting that I'm right, "I don't regret loving you Robert, but....., I can't be together with you like that; I can't give you my heart." I sense the weight of the emotion he is feeling as he looks up, shaking his head just slightly; he takes a deep breath, "It scares me how much it hurt, it was all in such a short time. There might as well have been a bullet in that gun when you fired, because....., because after I left, I was walking, talking and breathing, but....., I've never felt so broken, even after Jackson; I was dead inside. I've broken the one promise to mum that meant more to me than almost anything. I never thought I would be in that place in my head ever again and she can never find out what I tried to do Robert; you can't ever tell her....., or anyone......, promise me.

I nod my head, "I promise." I wipe away the last of my tears.

"I can't take the chance, that if something ever happened that you couldn't deal with, that you wouldn't be the same. I won't carry that for you, I just can't."

"I know....., I know." I hug him tighter than ever; it hurts so much inside to hear him say the words out loud, but I can't blame him.

.

He looks at me straight in the eyes, "If I ask you something, will you tell me the truth?"

"What?"

"Did you know? Did you know the clip was empty when you pulled the trigger?"

I think back to that night; so much was going on in my head. I hesitate answering because, the honest answer is I don't know. When I pulled the trigger, it wasn't a part of a conscious thought process. I think I must have known subconsciously, I can tell with any weapon I hold just from the weight; the thing that scares me most is, would I still have pulled the trigger if subconsciously I had believed there was a bullet in the clip. I tell him the truth as best I can, "I think so." I feel so ashamed, but I force myself to look him, nervous at how he will react, "What was going on in my head was just so fucked up." I feel myself shaking my head slightly, more in disbelief that I had been capable of doing something so horrific, "I don't know if I thought about it." I let out a deep sigh; there's no going back, I'd said the words.

Aaron didn't say anything, but he didn't pull away from me either which is hard to believe considering what I'd just told him. It's things like this that make Aaron so special, he's not like other people; so why did I lose hold of that? How could I have let myself get to a place where I put it all on him? I thought I had changed from that selfish boy who had left Emmerdale all those years ago; but really he was still there, just hiding inside me.

.

I have one last thing to tell him, "There's something you need to know and I don't want you to hear it from anyone else." Aaron waits for me to continue and I take a deep breath, "Jem died......, I don't know details, or where, but....., back at the beginning of Feb.....," I have to stop and take another deep breath to be able to keep going, "One of my contacts who had been helping since I started searching, he lives out there and was sent some pictures with a note saying she's dead. She was older, I suppose it might not have been her and it's impossible to prove one way or another from them if she was really dead; but I'm certain it was her. There was her blanket, you remember?" Aaron nods, "and that little teddy from her cot that Amanda had......" I can't continue, it's still too hard as my voice breaks; Aaron doesn't say anything, he just holds me. 

After what seems ages, I move out of his arms and sit leaning back against the wall, hugging my knees to me. Aaron moves over and sits next to me, his legs stretched out, saying, "I never meant to call you, I don't why I did; it was never part of the plan."

I turn my head to look at him, "I'm glad you did.....," and I can feel the tears as I, yet again, feel my emotions getting the better of me, "Shit...., I can't stop bloody crying.....; I'm glad you did Aaron because....., because you would have been gone forever and that's not fair. You deserve to live a happy life, without someone like me fucking it up for you." I huff, again shaking my head, looking up-to the ceiling, angry with myself.

I feel completely drained and my mouth is dry, "I need some water," and I ask Aaron whilst I get up to go to the bathroom, "you want some?"

"Yeah, but I'll have a drink out of your glass." In the bathroom I have to lean against the sink for a minute as I realise I'm shaking. I had blocked so much of all this from my mind, the self preservation of Robert fucking Sugden taking priority over everything and everyone else; that switch in my head that I force on and off. It must be broken though, all I've done is cry since Aaron came home. 

.

Aaron's already got back into bed when I walk into the bedroom and I pass him the glass for him to have a drink whilst I climb in beside him.

This time, I don't turn my back on him; sex or anything like that is the farthest thing from my mind. He lets me wrap myself around him, laying together on our sides, my arm is curled around his front and he holds my hand tight; I feel the comfort of his body which is as close into me as possible and we stay like that for the rest of the night.

TBC


	22. I Am My Mother's Son

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Monday 16th March 2015 - Aaron moves in with Adam and Vic.

Aaron

I peek my head through the caravan door, "So who's bright idea was that then, 'Holey Scrap'?"

Standing on the steps of the knackered caravan, I see Adam inside, stripping out what he wants to salvage. He stands up and for moment just stares in disbelief, then grinning he comes towards me; but then he suddenly hesitates and stops. I see him looking me over, his grin disappearing and his face more serious instead.

"I'm clean if that's what you're thinking. It's only been a few days, but I am clean."

I don't wait for him to decide, I go inside the caravan and hug him saying quietly, "I need you mate. I really need you." I feel him relax and he hugs me back, that great big bear hug that he has until I nearly have to tell him to stop squeezing so hard, because I can't breathe.

Despite not being able to breathe properly it feels good, it's been such a long time; I haven't seen him since I visited him in prison at the end of September. It was only a couple of weeks after he went inside that I met Robert and everything else that happened took over.

He finally releases me from the hug, but still holding me with his hands on my upper arms, he smiles, "I'd best go get us some beers then and you can tell me all about it."

.

A couple of hours later we're sat opposite each other by the front window of the caravan, nicely working our way through the cans of beer, each with our legs outstretched and feet resting on the seat opposite. We just talked. He told me about his problems in prison, getting beaten up and life since he got out last December and I told him about Robert and leaving Emmerdale. I hadn't realised how much I've missed him.

I knew from Robert that Milly and Joanna had heard me at Home Farm, that he had told Milly I was ill. Joanna had promised to keep quiet, she knew I was in withdrawal, but not what I had tried to do. Before I left Home Farm earlier we had agreed we wouldn't hide that I'd been there. Milly won't be able to keep it secret probably and eventually someone will see us out running, even at that time in the morning, which would prompt more questions. When people ask, we've agreed a simple version of the truth. We don't ever intend to tell anyone how he found me or what really happened that last day when I left. Neither of us want anyone to know the things we've both done, how bad it had really gotten in the last few months as we each got lost in our own pain and desperation.

.

Adam throws me another can, which I open and then have to quickly drink to catch the overflowing beer. I slide back down on the threadbare cushions, propping myself up in the corner, my head resting against the window, "Don't go off on one, but I've been at Home Farm the last couple of weeks; it's Robert that helped me get clean."

Adam raises his eyebrows in surprise. Considering everything I've just told him, it's probably the last place he expected me to have been, "Well that explains why Robert wouldn't let Vic near the place the other day, she said he was acting all weird. You know you could have called me? Why him after everything, I mean he was the reason you left, right?"

"I think deep down, I knew no-one else would have got through to me like he could; I was desperate when I called him and he came and got me. I needed him 'because' he was the reason I left." I shrug my shoulders and look at across at Adam whilst taking another drink of my beer, "I don't understand it myself Adam." I've been thinking about this a lot the last few days, why I had called Robert that night; I still don't really know the answer.

.

"So what now? Are you planning to stay?"

"Yeah, but I need a place to crash, I need to get my life back and I can't do that at Home Farm. I was kind of hoping I could stay with you guys?"

He smiles at me like a big kid, "Of course you can mate, Vic will be okay with it and well, if not, I'll just tell her this is how it's going to be." I look at him amused as he bangs his hand down by his side, acting all master of the house. Some things don't change and Vic is definitely the one who wears the trousers in their relationship.

"I've got no money, I can't pay you rent or for food; but I can help you out here instead until I get back on my feet, if that works for you?"

"It's all good lad. Just you know......, if you feel like you need to score, promise me you'll talk to me, or Robert or whoever. Please, just don't go back to the drugs, it took Holly forever to finally do it and I don't want you to have to go through that like she did."

I nod, "I'll try."

.

He asks me about mum, nudging my leg with his foot and a mischievous grin, knowing all too well this will be interesting. Since he got out and being back with Vic, he had seen and heard how she is about Robert and anything to do with him, "So you going to go tell Chas you're back?"

I'm definitely still working up-to that one, "Mmmh, I suppose I'll have to see her at some point, but not today though eh, tomorrow. I need to see Diane anyway to apologise stealing from the till," I look at him nervously, "and then there's your mum and Cain. Did she tell you what I did?" I'd missed this bit out earlier.

Adam shakes his head and I tell him how I had offered Moira sex for drug money, "Sorry. I wouldn't have ever....., you know, I was just pushing their buttons; Cain would have really hurt me anyway if your mum hadn't stopped him. She knew what I was trying to do, but that doesn't make it any better I suppose, does it?" I look at Adam sheepishly.

"Not really," Adam knew what drugs did after everything with Holly and how it changed people, "I tried to kiss Chas that time, so I suppose that makes us even. Do it again though and I'll kill you....., got it?" I nod grinning back at him. Normally I would have said Adam could never win in a fight with me, but he would at the minute; he would beat me without hardly trying.

I see him looking at me, "Come on then, let's go get some food; if you're going to be working here, you need some fattening up lad. You lose any more weight and you'll disappear."

.

It was a bit awkward with Vic at first, but she relaxed after I told her that I'd been at Home Farm for the last couple of weeks with Robert helping me get through the withdrawal; that although we're not together, Robert and me are speaking. She makes me smile, I can tell she has lots of questions, but is trying her best to give me some space. Robert was right, although Milly is just like him in a lot of ways, emotionally she's more like Vic.

I get up and go to the kitchen to make us all a brew. I find it hard to think about Milly; she had felt like my daughter and I had loved her so much. Then there's Jem and what Robert had told me last night; I haven't really thought about that properly yet, I don't know how to feel about that. I find myself staring out of the window into the darkness, not noticing Vic coming to my side. She puts her hand on my shoulder, resting her head against it. I can see our reflections in the window; it doesn't look like me, I hardly recognise myself anymore.

I've known Vic a long time, she's one of my closest friends; who'd have thought I would fall in love with the brother of the girl I lost my virginity to. I rest my head against hers, "Are you sure you're okay with me being here?"

"Don't be daft, of course I am," she holds my hand, "we were so worried when you left Aaron. Robert just refused to talk about you, nothing; it's like he had erased you from his life. Your mum was desperate about what you might do and where you were. She was looking for you, with Cain and Paddy, did you know that?" I shake my head, "I've never seen her so upset after you were here that day when the police let you go, and you just left again."

I have no idea what I'm going to say to mum when I do see her. Vic pulls me from my thoughts asking, "Are you really clean?"

I turn round and hug her properly and nod, "Yeah, I'm clean, but I get cravings Vic; it's hard, it's really hard. Robert wants me to go to some group thing, but I'm not so sure; I want to try without for a while. You know me, it's not really my bag; talking about stuff with a bunch of other people I don't know."

Vic pulls away and picks up her tea from the counter top, "So, just as well you've got us lot then." She smiles at me as I follow her into the living room, it feels good to be here with them; I've missed this.

.

We are sat around the living room, watching TV when there's a knock at the door and before anyone can get up to open it, mum barges in without waiting. I don't even know how she found out so soon that I'm here, I haven't seen anyone other than Adam or Vic since leaving Home Farm. Immediately I can tell she's upset, "Were you going to tell me you are back or just let me carry on thinking the worst?" I get up from the chair, taken aback with how angry she sounds.

Vic and Adam are watching us, not sure whether to intervene or not, "I just needed to get settled first, I was planning to come to see you tomorrow."

"Oh were you now? How nice, and your excuse for the last few weeks?" I look at her unsure what to say, her face is like thunder, "How's Robert keeping?"

So somehow she knows I've been staying at Home Farm, you can't keep anything quiet in this village for long. I knew she wouldn't be happy, but I wasn't expecting this either, "Back off mum, just back off; he helped me get clean okay?"

She gives me a withering glare, "Oh great, all hail to Saint Robert, come to the rescue again. Wake up Aaron for crying out loud, he's the reason you left and got into drugs in the first place, and you want me to give him a break? You're more stupid than I already thought you were being with him in the first place." She glances at Vic, "Sorry Vic, I know he's your brother but I won't forgive him for what he's done." She looks back at me, her eyes pleading with me, "Son, please you need to cut him out of your life for good."

"It's not about forgiving mum, I needed his help; I wouldn't have made it without him."

Her voice hardens again after hearing this, "What like you needed the drugs to forget him and all the crap he put you through? Aaron....., you offered yourself for sex to Moira in exchange for drug money, it doesn't get much worse than that." I glance quickly at Adam and Vic, "And so now what, you're 'besties' with him? Before you know it you'll be crawling back into his bed?" She huffs in disgust at me, "I don't understand the hold he has over you."

.

I can feel my anger rising, she hasn't said anything about being happy that I'm clean or that I'm home safe; she's more interested in Robert than she is in my life, "If you're going to be like that, then you might as well know I did spend the last two weeks in his bed," I take a deep breath, already regretting saying it. I need to try and keep calm because it's things like this that just wind her up and I don't want to argue with her about Robert; I just want her to be there for me, "Mum, please. You have to trust me, you have to let me work it out for myself."

Mum's voice is so bitter, "And when it all goes wrong the next time, what then? We just have to stand by and watch, then pick up the pieces time and again or spend months worrying that you're dead in a ditch somewhere?"

It's taking all my willpower not lose it, but I can't help snapping back at her, "I'm sorry I'm such a problem for you, but I didn't ask for your help and it was Robert who picked up the pieces. Or is it that what's bothering you, that I went to Robert and not you? Were not together but Robert is still a part of my life; so you'll just have to accept it, whether you like it or not."

"I can't Aaron, I won't accept it, everything about him is toxic. He's poison for you Aaron, and I can't watch you do this to yourself I just can't. He drove you away and he probably killed Katie, not that I can ever prove it."

I let out a laugh of disbelief, my anger getting the better of me now, "Katie was obsessed; she was obsessed with him and everything to do with him. Maybe, just maybe Jem would still be alive if she had told me to come to the pub that day, but she didn't, just to spite Robert. She was the one who tipped off the police about guns in the pub, did you know that? It was her who made the anonymous phone call. She didn't care who she hurt, as long as she hurt Robert," I'm very angry now, stood in front of mum, shouting, "so don't talk to me about Katie; if you want to accuse anyone of being a murderer, then try her."

The slap came quick and very hard as mum cracked me across my face with the palm of her hand, the weight of it knocking me a step backwards. There was a stunned silence in the room as we glared at each other. She waves her finger at me, "For as long as you have anything to do with Robert Sugden, then you and me....., we have a problem." She turns and walks out, not even closing the outside door behind her.

.

I walk backwards another couple of paces until I feel the wall behind me and I let myself slide down it, in shock at what had just happened. I look at Vic and Adam who are staring at me speechless. As Adam goes to close the door, I try and explain, "We're not back together and we never will be, so yes I slept with him, together in his bed, but not like that; all he did was help get me off the drugs. He would just hold me when I was shaking and screaming for heroin, he would stop me from hurting myself, he kept me alive Vic. I know its fucked up and I should hate him, but I don't; it's not that simple."

Vic comes over and sits next to me on the floor, Adam is sat back down on the sofa. He looks at me and says, "Chas isn't going to back down on this Aaron, not easily anyway." He glances over at Vic warily, "Are you sure that you want to make an enemy of Chas for Robert?"

"It's complicated, everything was so complicated and it still is; but she doesn't know what happened, she doesn't know Robert. Mum only see's what she wants to see, just like Katie."

Now it's Vic's turn, "Are you doing that with my brother though....., only seeing what you want to see?"

I feel drained by everything and everyone, "Why is everyone always questioning me? I know who Robert is. I know what he is capable of, probably better than anyone ever has. I've already told him we will never be together and that I don't love him in that way anymore; I won't let him hurt me again. So everyone, including Robert, just needs to accept that and let me get on with my life."

.

I get up off the floor, steadying myself with my hand against the wall, still feeling a little in shock and my face is stinging like mad. "I'm going to bed now, if that's okay?" I see the glances exchanged between them, "Don't worry, I'm not going to be jumping out of the window with your purse to go buy drugs." I let out a tired half laugh, "I don't have the energy and it'll take a lot more than me' mum giving me a slap and treating me like a five year old to push me back there again."

With that I head upstairs and crash onto the bed, I just lie for a while embracing the quiet, trying to shut everything else out. Adam's right, it won't be easy to win mum round if I want to keep Robert in my life, but I am my mother's son and just as stubborn as she is. This isn't about Robert, it's about me and my life.

Exhausted, I kick my trainers off and get under the duvet, not even bothering to get changed. Being up talking with Robert during the night through to fighting with mum, it's been a really long day and despite everything, sleep comes as soon as I close my eyes.

TBC


	23. One Day At A Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron apologises to Diane and Moira. He re-starts building the wall at Butlers.

Robert - Tuesday 17th March 2015

It's just before seven and it's beginning to get light out. I wasn't fully convinced that Aaron would be there to go running as we had agreed, but he was already waiting for me. He's hardly said two words all the time we ran though, which is more quiet than usual even for him. Something is clearly bugging him, but he fobbed me off when I asked him; I assume he'll tell me when he's ready.

"You want me to come with you?"

Aaron looks at me confused, his mind had been elsewhere, "What....., where?"

"When you go see Diane and Moira to apologise, do you want me to come with you for some support?"

He finishes the last of his stretches, but he's restless and starts kicking the wall lightly, unable to stand still, "No, I want to do this on my own. Anyway Adam already offered."

I ignore the pang of jealousy in me, I know Adam and Aaron are close; I suppose I'm going to have to get used to other people being part of his life. Before Jem was taken, no-one knew about us and afterwards, we had hardly noticed the world around us. Other than with the girls, I have never really had to share him.

.

The church bells ring in seven o'clock, "I have to go.....," I feel uncertain whether to give him the gift I had got him; maybe it's not such a good idea after all. He looks at me and nods. I wish he would tell me what's going on in his head, "Here, I got you something." I hold out the phone I had bought him and smiled at him, doing my best to hide my nervousness. "I put Chas' phone back at the pub without her noticing, so I thought you might need one of your own. I programmed in everyone's numbers and well....., just in case you ever want to talk, you know you can call me. It's pre-pay but it's got enough money on it to keep you going for a while."

He hesitates, but then takes it from me, "Thanks, I'll pay you back when I can."

I don't tell him that I don't want his money, he might think I am trying to buy him; I just want him to be able to call if he needs me......, or anyone. Plus I linked his GPS on it to my phone so I can find him more easily if anything goes wrong. I kind of feel like a stalker doing that, but I don't care if it keeps him safe.

"I'll see you tomorrow morning, okay?" he nods. I'm walking backwards as I move to leave, I can't resist a smile, "And just so you know, you'll need to work on that stamina Livesy, cos I'm soon going to stop taking pity on your sorry arse and will start to leave you for dust. Unless you think you can keep up that is?"

I turn and start jogging in the direction of home but I hear him yell back at me, "What you willing to bet if I can beat you?" I don't look back or answer but I'm grinning to myself, Aaron's not wired the same way as I am, but he really doesn't like me getting one up on him. I knew he'd rise to the bait, now I just need to think of a suitable forfeit.

.

Aaron - Tuesday 17th March 2015

I am just coming out of the pub after apologising to Diane. I had wanted to avoid another confrontation with mum, I don't have the energy for it, so I'd got Vic to call me when the coast was clear.

I told Diane that I would pay her back and even though she said it doesn't matter, I'll find a way somehow. She knew about the argument with mum already and had pretty much said the same to me as Vic. None of them understand why I still feel the need to keep Robert in my life; they all think that he drove me away and he was the reason I got hooked. That's partly true, but it's not the whole truth; I don't need them to understand it, I just need them to accept it.

One down, now the more difficult one. I shove my hands in my pockets and pull up my hood, with my head down I walk in the direction of Butlers. I manage to avoid having to talk to anyone and I don't think anyone noticed me as I walk out of the village. The walk is good, I still feel the most relaxed when I am outside, walking or running. Robert knew something was up this morning, but I hadn't told him about mum, he would have just got wound up and he will find out soon enough I suppose. Mum won't keep quiet I'm sure and Vic will probably tell him anyway.

.

I knock on the door and walk into the kitchen; it's quiet, no-one's around. I go back out into the yard and think where's best to look next at this time in the morning, but then I see Moira coming out of the barn towards me. She stops in front of me and I shift restlessly on my feet, not quite able to look at her directly. She rests her hand on my arm which makes me stand still, "You want a cuppa?"

I nod and follow her into the kitchen; we don't say anything until we are both sat at the table. I wrap my hands round the mug of tea as if it will magically give me some kind of courage. I finally look at her, "Sorry....., I didn't mean what I said."

"I know."

"I suppose I'll have to apologise to Cain too....., if he doesn't kill me before he gives me chance to talk."

"He'll be fine, he'll get over it. He loves you, you know?"

"I know." I take a drink of my tea, "I haven't used in over two weeks." I need to talk and somehow, sat here, it feels easier talking to Moira than anyone else about this. "It scares me Moira, I don't know if I'm strong enough. I'm living with Vic and Adam for a while until I get sorted, but what if I can't do it?" I sigh and look out of the kitchen window, then back at Moira, "Sometimes the craving is so bad." I lean my elbows on the kitchen table and rub my forehead with my hands, every minute of every day is an effort at the moment; I rest my hands back on the table.

Moira puts her hand on mine, "One day at a time Aaron. You have a lot of people here who love you; don't be afraid to talk, don't be afraid to ask for help and you have to tell yourself over and over that you can do this. You have to fight it Aaron."

"I know, that's what Robert said." I'm getting used to people's reactions about Robert as I see Moira's expression, "You might as well hear it from me, cos you will find out soon enough anyway. Robert helped me get clean, I was at Home Farm with him the last couple of weeks until yesterday." I pause, "And no, we're not together before you ask, he just helped me get through the withdrawal. Mum found out last night, she didn't take it too well." Slight understatement I think to myself, I can still feel the sting from her slap.

"Well you can't really blame her, she thinks he's bad for you."

"And you, what do you think?"

"It's not my place to say Aaron. I know he loved you, anyone could see that, even your mum; but grief does strange things to people. A little bit like drugs, it changes who you are until you find a way to move on from it and start to live your life again."

.

"We had an argument, she won't listen; she doesn't understand that I need him to do that. I don't want to be together with him, but there are things that happened, things we said and I need him to help me make sense of it all. Until I do that, I won't ever move on."

"She loves you, she just doesn't want to see you get hurt."

"She hates him so much that she pushes me away instead?" Moira frowns, waiting for me to explain, "She practically told me she doesn't want a bar of me for as long as I have anything to do with him. She wants me to choose, but she doesn't get that I can't do that; I won't choose."

"Give her time. Concentrate on keeping clean and decide what you want to do next with your life. What are you going to do for money?"

I shrug, "I'll work for Adam to pay for my keep with them, I haven't got much further than that at the minute."

"You can work some hours up here if you want some extra cash, like you did before. With Adam now at the scrap yard full-time we could do with another pair of hands."

"That would be good, but it'll have to be late afternoon and nights though." She looks at me oddly, but I don't give her a reason, "I want to finish the wall up in the top field if it still needs doing. I think I learnt enough to do a decent job now, if you'll let me?"

"Okay then, I'll chat with Andy and we'll pull up a rota."

"The wall....., I'll do that in my own time." Moira looks at me curiously but doesn't question it. Maybe I see this as a kind of penance, I don't know, but finishing the wall is more personal for me; I don't want to take her money for re-building it.

.

Aaron - Friday 20th March 2015

I went to see Paddy Tuesday night, which was good, but it moved onto the inevitable of him trying to get me to see mum and reconsider having anything to do with Robert. I left frustrated, wanting at least Paddy to trust me to know what I'm doing, but the drugs and my history makes them all think I need to be told what to do.

Since then, the last couple of days have passed pretty much uneventful. Living with Vic and Adam is good, I get home at the end of each day, dead on my feet and soon after eating I crash in my bed asleep. Unsurprisingly I'm finding the physical work much harder than I used to, but I've started to eat properly and I can feel myself getting stronger. The days are long between working at the scrap yard and up at the farm, but I don't mind, it keeps me distracted. Other than leaving the cottage at five thirty and coming back after seven, I stay out of the main village; so although I assume most people know I'm back, I've hardly seen anyone. I haven't even been into the pub since apologising to Diane, I'm not ready to face all the village yet.

I had come to a deal with Adam that I can finish at the scrap yard at three so I could do a few hours at the farm each day and I'll do some hours on the weekend when they need me to. I wasn't actually down to do anything at the farm today, so it's the first time I get time to come up to the top field and do some work on the wall. It didn't look like anyone had touched it since Robert and me had last been up here. I'm enjoying the peace and quiet, going at my own pace. It takes me a lot longer than Robert as I don't have his knack of immediately spying the right stone, but I'm okay with that. It's relaxing and I'm kind of disappointed to have to stop when James comes up to get me on the quad.

.

Adam and Vic try to get me to go to the pub with them after we've eaten, but I don't want and they eventually give up when they realise I'm not going to give in. I'm laying on the sofa watching some crappy TV with a beer when my phone buzzes. No-one other than Vic and Adam have my number yet, so I ignore it assuming it's just them from the pub on a last ditch effort to get me to go. Five minutes later it buzzes again, so this time I look at it.

Both texts are from Robert. The first one asking what I am up to and then the second asking if I fancy a beer with him at Wiley's, but I text him back saying no, I'm too knackered. Not long after I go upstairs to bed, but before I get into bed I text him, 'Maybe tomorrow. Walling @ Butlers if u want to offer yr expert help?'.

My phone lights back up, 'Not sure I can, have stuff on. Will text. Night. R xx'.

I text back 'Night xx' and I go to sleep as soon as my head hits the pillow.

TBC


	24. A Little Bit Of Mud

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron starts re-connecting with friends and family. He and Robert have some fun on the farm, but Aaron rejects any advances by Robert beyond friendship.

Aaron - Saturday 21st March 2015

Robert doesn't go running on the weekend, not in the mornings anyway, he likes to sleep in and spend lazy time with Milly at home. This means I get to have a lie in, or what these days constitutes a lie in; I get up around nine and have a tea. I'm hungry and after looking in the fridge, I contemplate going to the coffee shop for a buttie, but decide not to and instead I have some cereal.

I walk up to Butlers and head into the kitchen first. I find Moira, Andy, Cain, Pete and James all sat round, having a brew. Although I've been up at the farm the last couple of days and I've seen most of them at some point or another, it's the first time I've been in a room with so many people all at once for a while. I look round nervously, feeling a bit weird; Cain pulls out a chair for me and tells me to get myself sat down. We hadn't mentioned about the last time I saw him in the pub and I think we've just silently agreed to forget it ever happened. Moira pours me a mug of tea and ruffles my hair, which makes me embarrassed as I try to pull my head away from her hand, but it kind of breaks the ice and soon it feels like I'd never been away.

They all gradually go back to work and I get ready also when Moira asks me if I've spoken to mum, but I just shake my head. I don't want to talk about it, not today and I quickly leave to go up-to the top field.

.

I went back down to the farmhouse for some food at about one and then came back up here to carry on walling. I've been umming and ahhing which stone to choose for the next bit and had finally made a decision when I hear a voice, "Not that one, the other to your left." I look and see Robert leaning over the wall, he must have parked up on the top road and walked down over the neighbour's field to here. He leans on the wall grinning at me, before climbing over and showing me what he meant. He checked over what I had done since yesterday, "We'll make a waller of you yet Livesy....., not bad....., not bad at all."

"Well if it's going have to last a hundred years or so, I thought I'd better up my game." I can't stop from smiling, pleased; even for me Robert doesn't give out compliments for nothing. I must have learned something in-between all the making-out sessions.

.

We work together for the rest of the afternoon, it was easy between us and we made quite good progress. It's starting to get dark and Robert looks at his watch, "I have to go, I promised to take Milly to the flicks." He shuffled a little nervously, "Do you want to come with us? Milly keeps asking to see you."

I lie, "I can't, something came up, sorry."

He looks disappointed, "I'll probably be up here at some point tomorrow though, maybe we could have that beer after at Wiley's." He goes to pick up his coat which he puts on over his fleece and comes back over to me. He stops, standing in front of me, "Okay, but might not be 'til after two, I have some stuff to do for a client in the morning." I offer him a drink out of the water bottle, but he shakes his head, just staring at me and for an instant we are both quiet until he turns to go saying, "See you tomorrow Livesy."

I don't say anything as I watch him leave, wondering if he knew I was lying about tonight. I don't want to see Milly, the thought of being near her frightens me.

.

Aaron - Sunday 22nd March 2015

"I'm sorry about Katie," I'm working with Andy, cleaning out the shed; it's the first time I've been on my own with him since I've been back.

"It was just an accident, no-one's fault." He looks at me sadly, "I know what your mum says, but I don't believe Robert did anything. We knew it wasn't safe on all floors from when we'd had the survey done last year, it's been derelict for a long time. She just couldn't help but push his buttons after he wouldn't sell us Wiley's, even though he'd warned her to stay away." He looked across at me, "I suppose you know that better than anyone?"

I don't say anything, I have mixed feelings about Katie depending how you catch me; most of time I don't blame her, but sometimes I can't help but think 'What if?'.

There was an awkward silence for a minute and then he asked me, "What's it like being back?"

"Hard work." I laugh a little and then go quiet, "Taking the drugs helped me forget everything for a while, but the longer I took them and the more I took, the less it helped."

"I heard you were up at Home Farm when you were....."

He looked like he didn't know how to say it so I finished the sentence for him, "withdrawing?" He nodded.

"Yeah. I wouldn't recommend it." Then after a pause, half smiling, "The withdrawing part, not the Home Farm part. I wouldn't have made it without Robert." I think Andy's surprised about how easily I talk about Robert, same as everyone else.

"How is he? I haven't really seen him that much. Things got bad between us again after you left. He was there for me after Katie, but it was just weird, you know? Him finding her and everything. It never seems to be ever just normal between us."

"He's okay....., considering." I pause, the last time I meddled, I didn't fare too well, "He misses you, he'd never admit it mind. I know you two always seem to find something to argue about, but he does miss you."

Andy is quiet as we continue to work for a while, then we soon move onto other conversations and before long it's time for food already.

.

I head up to the top field around one. Not long after Robert appears on the other side of the wall, standing in the same place as yesterday. I see him watching me, his eyes are always so intense when he looks at me. That was always part of the attraction with him, he can make you feel like the only person in the world with just a simple look, "You going to stand there all day watching me work, or are you going to help at any point?"

He laughs at me as he climbs over the wall, "I've been up since the crack of dawn working, now who's the slave driver?" I grin at him, remembering I had called him that when he was forcing me out walking and running.

We're more than two-thirds done with the wall now, slowly but surely we're left with only two big sections to do; in a couple of weeks we should be finished. We make good progress for a while, until I accidently knock him over; laughing guiltily I walk over to him and hold out my hand to help him back up. He just lies back staring at me. He takes my hand and I see that mischievous glint in his eyes way too late as he takes my feet from under me. All of a sudden we are rolling round on the hill, play fighting and laughing; we end up quite a bit down the hill from the wall when we finally stop.

He gets up and attempts to walk back to the wall, but I can't help myself as I catch his foot and trip him once more and he grins back at me, "I was being gentle before, but now....., now Livesy it's war. I manage to get up and run from him, but he's way too quick as he almost immediately catches me, wrapping his arms around my front and lifting me up off the floor. He swings me round and lands me on my back, pinning me down, his eyes shining out against his dirt covered face. I catch him unawares as I gently wipe a piece of mud away from by his mouth, but I use the opportunity of him relaxing to push him over and we find ourselves rolling down again; this time though it's an unusually steep bit and we land together rather unfortunately in middle of the mud by some water troughs. We are both laid on our backs, getting our breath back, when I feel his hand on my face, wiping a handful of mud and god knows what on it. Naturally I have to return the favour and it descends into a mud bath. By the time we stop again, we are practically covered, head to toe, in mud.

.

After finding our way back up to the wall, we decide to finish for the day. As we pack up we keep giggling, playing and pushing each other; blaming each other for the muddy mess we have gotten ourselves into. Robert decides he has to come down to the farm with me to get cleaned up, there's no way he's getting all this mud over the inside of his car. Apparently he had taken his kit out this morning so he doesn't have his usual gear with him to change into.

When we arrive back at the farm, Moira just stands and stares at us as we get off the quad bike and we go stand in front of her like two children waiting to be scolded. I have to say she manages the school teacher role very well as she looks us up and down, "Don't think either of you are coming in like that, you'll have to strip out here, I'm not having you trailing all that into the house."

We are knocking into each other and fending each other off like two schoolboys, when Robert goes, "He started it."

I look at him all innocent, trying to stop from laughing, "Did not." Moira is struggling not to laugh at us but she's also deadly serious when she says, "I don't care whose fault it is, you are not coming into my farmhouse like that."

We see her take a couple of steps back and then realise why, as Andy turns the power hose on us laughing, "Don't worry Moira, they just need a cold shower outside first to wash all that mud off." Robert and me look at each other and smile, as we both turn on Andy. Soon all three of us are having a big muddy water fight in the yard. In the end Matron Moira is giving us all orders as she makes us strip, handing us towels before she lets us in the kitchen where we then have to sit and wait our turn to have a shower. We're still all giggling at each other as she gives Robert some clean overalls to borrow for him to change into until he gets home and she shakes her head at us in despair.

No-one had even questioned why Robert was with me, it was just nice to have some simple fun. I can't remember when we last all just messed around and had a laugh.

.

It's after eight and Robert is already on his first beer when I walk into Wiley's. I go help myself and I watch him work on one of the plans stuck to the wall. I go over and take a look at what he's so engrossed in and he looks at me, "What do you think?"

"I'm no farm expert, you'd be better off asking Andy."

He says to me softly, "I know, but I'm asking you. What do you think?"

"I like it." We are stood close, the lamps lighting up the room, casting their shadows. I can feel Robert staring at me as I continue to look at his notes and drawings. He catches me by surprise as he strokes his hand down my cheek, I look at him annoyed as I brush his hand away and back away from him immediately; "No."

Instantly he says, "Sorry." He looks like he wants to say something else, but he doesn't.

.

I change the topic of conversation as I go sit against the window sill, "You never told me what you're willing to bet?"

"What you're going to have to forfeit you mean?" He teases me with that look he has, as though it's a given.

I laugh back at him, "You're always so cock-sure you're going to win. I am so going to wipe that smile off your face."

"Never gonna happen Livesy, never gonna happen," and I see what's best described as a devious smile creep over his face. "Okay, if you seriously think you can beat me. A race, our morning route, five miles. No dirty tricks, no cheating. We pick a date in the future to give you time to get fit. Loser runs naked down main street twelve noon on a Sunday, just in time for dearest Edna to be walking to the pub from church for her midday tipple."

I stare at him and I have to laugh. If he thinks he's going to get the better of me by betting something he thinks I won't do, then he doesn't know me as well as he thinks he does, "You're on."

He just grins at me and we shake hands on it, "Okay" as I think to myself, oh shit; what the hell have I just got myself into. I am so going to regret this.

.

Robert finishes off his beer and goes gets another; I nod when he motions to see if I'm also ready for another. "I'm serious though, you need time first to get fitter. Your mum hates me more than anything, so if for any reason at all because of this, you were to end up in hospital, she would kill me."

He comes over and sits by me, handing me the beer, "Speaking of which Livesy, were you going to tell me about your little altercation with her Monday night?"

I look at him and shrug my shoulders, "Well, I didn't need to did I? You found out already."

"You know you signed my death warrant well and truly with that don't you?"

I can't resist teasing him, "Awww, Robert Sugden, Mr SAS..... Are you scared of my mum?"

"Hell yeah, even your Cain's scared of Chas."

I laugh at him and without even thinking about it, lost in our easy banter I say, "You'll live. You know you love me; I'm sure you'll find a way to win her round eventually."

He's quiet a moment as I realise what I'd just said. He looks at me, "Yeah, I do....., I do love you."

He moves in to kiss me, but I push him back in time to stop him, "Sorry, I didn't mean it like that, it's just something.....," I stop before I dig the hole deeper and get up hurriedly, putting my beer down on the floor. "Night Robert." I can't believe I said that, the last thing I want is for him to think I'm leading him on. I walk over to the door, but before leaving I turn back and ask something that's been niggling away at me, "Why do you always call me Livesy now?"

"You want the truth?"

I nod, "Yeah."

"Livesy can only ever be a friend, but Aaron...., Aaron can be my friend and my boyfriend."

Our eyes stay locked for a minute as I absorb this, half wishing I hadn't asked. "Thanks for the beer, I'll see you in the morning." I leave and start the walk back home, thinking about the day and what he'd just said.

*-*-*

Robert stays sat on the window sill and finishes his beer, quietly contemplating. He doesn't even realise he is talking to himself as he quietly says, "One day Aaron. You don't believe it yet, but one day, you'll love me again too."

TBC


	25. Inspect, Hurl And Freak Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Saturday 28th March 2015 - Aaron has a shot too many at a pre-birthday party for Vic, but it's Robert who ends up regretting it.

Robert

"Milly come on will you, we haven't got all night. At this rate your friend will be fifty and not five when you make it to the party."

My daughter is going through an independent phase since coming back from the holiday with Joanna and with it, she is driving me to distraction. She won't let anyone do anything for her, insisting she can do it herself, but then it takes her forever and she always forgets something.

"Finally," as I see her traipsing down the stairs with her little rucksack, Joanna following close behind. "You got everything?" Joanna smiles at me, which confirms that Milly is indeed missing something.

"Yes daddy."

"You sure?"

I get the look that she gives me to let me know she thinks I am stupid for even asking, a look which my four year old daughter has mastered to perfection. I hold my hands up, "Okay, Okay, I believe you," Joanna has done Milly's hair, she is wearing new clothes and I have to admit she looks cute as a button. It bowls me over just how quick she is growing up. She is going to a friend's birthday party and they are having a sleep over. I do not envy her friend's parents, they are braver than I am that's for sure having seven of their daughter's closest friends to stay the night. I'd choose going into a war zone over that any day. Joanna is leant against the banister after putting her coat on, waiting for us to go through our usual exit check.

"Inspection time young miss," Milly is finally stood in front of me, rucksack on the floor as she adopts the pose which is her idea of what standing to attention is. I love this part, we do this every time we go somewhere special. "Hands out," and I pretend to closely inspect her finger nails which are all clean and scrubbed, "Mmmmh, I suppose they'll have to do," Milly just giggles at me. It's always the same routine, but we never get bored of it. "Give me a twirl," and Milly does a pirouette, spinning so fast she almost falls over, giggling even more before getting back into her standing to attention pose. My role is to keep a straight face and act all Sarnt Major like, but it's so difficult as she just cracks me up every time, "Rucksack check. Jamas?

"Check Sir."

"Toothbrush and toothpaste?"

"Check Sir."

"Clean clothes for tomorrow?"

"Check Sir."

"Birthday Present?"

"Errrrrr.....," and here she has to look at Joanna who has been waiting and pulls out the wrapped present from behind her back and passes it to Milly.

"Check Sir."

"Mmmmh, room for improvement young miss," her face drops a little as I kneel down in front of her. "Kiss and hug?"

She practically jumps on me, wrapping her arms around my neck and I give her a big hug and kiss, "Check daddy."

"Okay, let's go little lady, your carriage awaits," and we go out to the car. Vic is having a pre-birthday bash at the pub for a few friends who can't make it on Tuesday which is her actual twenty-first. We'll drop off Milly and then drive to the pub; we will leave the car there and walk back home after, so we can both have a drink. I can't believe that my sister is turning twenty-one. Her and Joanna are really good friends these days, which on the one hand is a good thing, but on the other, increasingly nothing in my life is sacred or secret anymore. Vic sometimes knows more of what's going on in my own house than I do.

.

It's the first time I've been into the main bar since the beginning of February and it feels kind of strange. This last week Andy and me have started talking a little when I've been at the farm helping Aaron. It's still awkward between us, but we aren't at each other's throats, so that can only be a good thing. Something tells me I have Aaron to thank for that.

Speaking of whom, I spy him sat over with Andy, Cain and Moira. I ignore the death-stare that Chas gives me when we walk in. Joanna is nominated for drink fetching duty all night, I'll give her the money so I don't have to go to the bar. We agreed, if I stay well away from Chas, then I should survive the night in one piece. However, by the look on Chas' face, I'm not so sure that our plan is foolproof.

I'm under strict instructions from Vic though to be on my best behaviour both tonight and Tuesday. I know from Vic that they finally got Aaron into the pub the other night, but Chas refused to serve him or even talk to him. Apparently even Paddy failed to get her to talk to him, so we seemingly have a cold war with her on both fronts.

Joanna brings our drinks over and she sits down next to Moira, "Joanna, this is Aaron, Aaron Joanna." They say hello a bit awkwardly, but introductions over, I have a first drink of my pint and leave them to it. I know they'll be fine together, Joanna is easy to talk to and very sociable, she'll make Aaron laugh, which will do him good. I find myself permanently sneaking glances at him; he looks so good, I can't help myself.

.

The night rolls on pretty much to plan and it's a good laugh; I have no clue whose idea it was, but gradually they switch from beer and wine to shots. I never did do well with shots, so I stick to my beer ignoring all the old man taunts. I am happy with my pint, safe in the knowledge that I am going to be the only one without a hangover from hell tomorrow.

I find myself sitting next to Vic, "You okay Sis?"

"Doing good bro."

"I can't resist smiling. She is sat with her arm wrapped around Andy who also has a stupid grin on his face, having succumbed to the pressure and had moved onto the shots with the others. Aaron and Joanna, as predicted are getting on like a house on fire, both with a collection of shot glasses in front of them. They keep giving me a look, which probably means they are picking over all my bad habits and I dread to think whatever else. I look over at Moira who is next to Joanna, "Is this your doing, that my entire family are going to be rolling paralytic to their beds?"

"It could well be, you sure you don't want to join in the fun?"

"No thanks," I raise my pint glass to her; "this old man is very happy with his pint."

She grins at me, I am pretty sure she could drink the rest of us under the table if she had a mind to want. She catches me looking at Aaron and I look away avoiding her smirk, only to find myself being glared at by Chas. However, I keep my promise to Vic and it seems Chas has been put under similar pressure to be on her best behaviour, as we all manage to go the night trouble free.

.

As it gets later, I head outside for some fresh air with my pint and sit at the table; I haven't felt this relaxed in a long time. I'm busy thinking of how much alike Vic and Milly are when I spy Vic and Aaron giggling away, arm in arm, walking back up the street towards the pub. They have definitely been up-to something, my sister is well and truly drunk and Aaron is just as far gone. Vic comes over and sits on my knee, draping her arm round my shoulders, resting her head against mine, "Dare I even ask what mischief you two have been up-to?" They exchange a conspiratorial look and in unison say, "No." and continue giggling away to themselves.

Aaron however suddenly turns a whiter shade of pale as he goes over to the bushes and hurls. It's easy to forget on a night like tonight that it's only a month since he was throwing up from the drugs. I push Vic up the steps of the pub, telling her to get back to being the perfect hostess.

He hurls a second time and lies down on the ground, groaning. After picking him up I put my shoulder under his arm and am now supporting more or less all of his weight. He's definitely had more than his fair share tonight and although he has put some of the weight back on, nothing like enough to even begin to cope with drinking this amount of alcohol. Saying that, most of them from tonight will be throwing up at some point in the next twelve hours, that I guarantee.

.

We get to Keepers cottage and I dig around in Aaron's pocket for his keys. After opening the door, I take him upstairs and lay him on his bed, then go back downstairs and get him a bucket from under the sink, just in case and a glass of water. I make him drink some water, the feeling so familiar from a few weeks ago as he leans into me; the only difference this time, he isn't fighting me or begging me to get him some heroin. I run my hand through his hair and down the side of his face, but I quickly put myself back in check. I lay him down on the bed, take his trainers and jeans off and pull the duvet up over him.

Perching on the bed beside him, I make him have another drink of water. Despite all the alcohol, his eyes are still crystal clear and shining bright, his hair is all over the place which I love and he has a soppy grin on his face. With my arm resting across him I sit there unable to take my eyes off him, he's adorable even in this drunken state.

I ought to go back to the pub to collect Joanna, who no doubt will suffer just as much as Aaron tomorrow morning. She's also not used to drinking this amount and definitely not all the shots. I decide to stay a little longer just in case he throws up again or anything worse. I lie back on top of the duvet next to him and listen to him breathing. He turns onto his side and rests his head on my chest and I put my arm around him and he moves in properly hugging close to my body, the duvet still separating us.

.

I hear Aaron quietly laughing away to himself, "Are you an assassin?"

I peer down at him whilst I get over the initial shock of the question, unsure if he means this seriously or not, but I answer him, "No, I'm not an assassin, what makes you ask that?"

"Yer only evah away a few days an' get paid a shed load o' money. So what d'ya do then?"

He sounds funny slurring his words like that. I've never seen him really drunk before, "Sometimes I have to get information, lots of different things, depends on the client."

"Still don't s'plain why yer get paid so much."

"Maybe sometimes I go to places where I shouldn't be."

His eyes keep closing, tired but he's looks up at me, "So yer a spy then? I'm in bed with a spy who loves me." I shake my head at him in amusement whilst he giggles to himself at his own joke.

"No, I'm not a spy either." I stare up at the ceiling, wondering how on earth he got to starting this conversation; but when I look back down at him, his eyes are closed and he's asleep.

I treasure the time of having him near me like this. Drunk or not, he's in my arms again and it feels amazing.

.

It's about six when I wake, having fallen asleep without intending to. I feel a mini-wave of panic as I realise that during the night I had somehow worked myself under the duvet; I still have my combats and t-shirt on, that's something at least. I then realise that Aaron is propped up on his elbow watching me.

I turn my head and look at him, thinking back to how drunk he was last night, "How's the head?" but Aaron doesn't say anything. "Sorry, I didn't mean to stay, I just wanted to make sure you were okay." He still doesn't say anything which I find really very unnerving now because his face isn't giving anything away and I have absolutely no idea what's going through his head.

I put my hand up-to my head in realisation, "Shit. Shit....., Joanna will kill me; she hates walking home up the narrow lanes all alone in the dark." I pull my phone out of my back pocket and see three texts; the first two are quite polite asking where I've got to, the third swearing at me and telling me I owe her the taxi fare and a bottle of wine.

I put my phone over on the side and rest my head back down on the pillow and close my eyes as I run my hand up through my hair and over the back of my head. I can't believe that I let myself fall asleep.

.

"I like her."

Aaron finally speaking, takes me by surprise, "What?"

"Joanna." There was a slight pause, "She did basically say you were a slut when she first started working for you though."

I'm pretty sure he meant it more in jest, trying to be funny when he said it, but suddenly the thought of them talking about me like that and having woken up next to him in bed without intending to, is freaking me out. As usual with Aaron I handle it all wrong and my comeback to compensate is out before I put my brain into gear and stop it, "Yeah well, you offered sex to Moira, I'm not judging you over it."

This just pushes me further into panic mode and I am not thinking rationally at this point. After the other night, he'll probably think I took advantage of the situation to spend the night in bed with him. I just need to get out of here and back home before I fuck things up even more.

I sit up and swing myself to the side so I am sitting on the edge of the bed with my back to him. I rest my elbows on my knees and rub my hands over my face to wake myself up properly and just take a minute to try and get my head straight. Instead I just get increasingly cross with myself, scolding myself out loud, "Why am I such a knob?" I look back at him, "Sorry, I shouldn't be here....., I so shouldn't be here." I get up off the bed to look round for my boots, but I don't see them, "Don't worry, I'll make sure no-one sees me leave and make up some story or other for Joanna. Where the hell are my fucking boots?" God knows what he's thinking by now and he's not helping me any by staring at me, but not saying anything.

In the end I find them at Aaron's side of the bed and sat on his bedside chair, I hastily put them on. I'm now so desperate to get out of here, I don't bother lacing them up properly and after I pick up my phone from the other side of the bed, I walk to the door, avoiding his gaze at all cost. "I'll see you tomorrow Livesy," and still without looking at him, I leave the house and leg it out of the village as fast as I can.

I am so busy berating myself for acting like a complete idiot instead of just keeping calm, I don't notice Edna is stood at her window and has seen me.

TBC


	26. Good Riddance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vic asks Robert and Aaron not to go to her twenty-first birthday party.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posted Chapter 26 and 27 together.

Aaron - Monday 30th March 2015, Butlers Farm

"Oh Sorry, I'm not interrupting am I?" Moira comes in from the yard sensing the tension as soon as she walks through the door, seeing me sat at the kitchen table and a very pissed off Robert stood, arms folded, by the kitchen sink.

Robert's reply is surprisingly calm, considering his face looks like thunder, "You're not. Contrary to popular belief, there isn't anything going on to interrupt. Anyway it's your kitchen, don't apologise for wanting to come into your own kitchen." Robert shakes his head, his irritation audible.

Moira looks at me to explain, "Vic has suggested it might be better.......,

Robert interrupts, "It was more than a mere suggestion."

I glare at him and continue, "Vic suggested that we don't go to her birthday do at the pub tomorrow night because mum's on the war path; she thinks we're back together. Robert helped me home after I threw up a couple of times outside the pub on Saturday night; he stayed a while to make sure I was okay, but fell asleep. Apparently mum overheard Edna telling Diane yesterday that she'd seen him sneaking out at half six and she's been having a hissy fit ever since. So Vic doesn't want her birthday party to be ruined because we all end up having a big barney or worse."

Moira starts to make a brew, "Mmmhh, she might have a point. Cain did mention she had a right strop on earlier."

.

I try and placate Robert, who is now pacing up and down, "Let me talk to her."

"What? To Chas? You think that's going to make a difference? Anyway, that would actually require her to acknowledge your existence, which going by recent experience, isn't exactly on her to-do list anytime soon."

Moira suggests, "Why don't you have Vic round to Home Farm another time instead and do something more personal."

"Stop pacing up and down will you, it's doing my 'ead in." I'm getting annoyed with him being annoyed now, "It's not as though it's the worst thing in the world if we don't go, we were there on Saturday." Judging by the look he gives me, that wasn't the best thing to say, especially as this is what led to our current problem.

I think what's hurt him the most is that Vic actually considers it the best option for us to miss her birthday party just to keep the peace on the night. I know he's stressing about Saturday night and I think here I might have made things worse. He apologised again this morning when we went running. I could hardly tell him I liked waking up next to him and I miss it, when the other half of me is scared of letting him back into my life, even as a friend; so I hadn't said anything.

I suggest, "Okay then, see if you can move Vic's bash to Home Farm?"

"Yeah and you might as well tell Chas, whilst everyone is having fun at the party, we'll just be humping away upstairs. I don't think so." He finally stops pacing and goes back to his previous position, leaning back against the sink with his arms folded. "It'll only make her worse. Diane's organised everything now, it wouldn't be fair on either her or Vic and strangely enough I don't want a bunch of drunken people that I don't know wandering round the same house where my daughter's sleeping."

I let my frustration get the better of me, "Fine, we'll go to the party then, see what happens. She might have calmed down by then?" Moira and Robert look at me at the same time, both clearly believing that's not likely to happen any time soon.

.

Robert looks at it his watch, "You know what, forget it." He pulls a piece of paper out of his back pocket and passes it to me, as he heads towards the door, "Here, give that to Vic tomorrow, tell her I love her and I'll try call her."

He's already at the kitchen door as I ask, "Hey what's this? Where are you going? We're supposed to be working on the wall this aft."

He stops and turns to look at me, "I'm keeping the peace. Anyway you don't need me anymore." There's something in how he says this that makes me feel uneasy; Moira and me look at each other and I know she sensed it too.

I quickly follow him out into the yard, and call after him "Robert.....?"

"Leave it Aaron, just let it be." He gets in his car and drives off, Moira comes and stands next to me. I have such an odd feeling as we both stare after his car disappearing down the lane. The last time he called me Aaron other than introducing me to Joanna the other night was when I was at Home Farm. I've got so used to him calling me Livesy now, I'd almost forgotten what it's like to hear him call me by my first name.

.

Aaron - Thursday 9th April, The Woolpack

I'm determined that I'm not going to be the one streaking naked through Emmerdale, so I've been going running on my own since Robert's been away for work. He went on Vic's birthday and he hasn't been back since. I take our usual route and I've actually got quite fast; well, fast for me. The problem is, that I don't actually know how quick he is; I've only ever seen him on go slow so I could keep up. I need to know what I have to beat, so the question is how do I find that out? He's not likely to tell me himself, not the truth anyway.

He's now been gone that long that I've finished the wall without him, there are just 2 stones missing, laid on the grass for us to do when he gets back. We started this wall together, I want to finish it together.

I went round to see mum before Vic's party and told her until I was blue in the face that I didn't sleep with him and we're not together. I have no idea if she believed me or not; she's still not talking to me, so nothing's changed on that front. Since then I just talk to her as normal and I don't let it get to me when she ignores me. In the end I went to the party, I knew Adam was going to propose, but I didn't stay too long after. Mum looked so happy for them when Vic said yes. I couldn’t help feeling a little jealous; mum pretty much had it in for Robert since the first day he came back to Emmerdale. 

.

I've told Andy and Adam about my race with Robert, just not about the bet. We're sat having a pint after work, brainstorming how I find out how quick he really is, when Joanna and Vic come in to join us; Joanna looks like she's been crying. We all look at Vic for some kind of explanation, but she just shakes her head. Something is clearly not right, because Vic doesn't look too happy either.

It's obvious that they don't want to talk about it, so we are just talking about the usual stuff when mum comes over to the table collecting glasses; her usual frosty self with me and nice as pie with the others. She accidently knocks Joanna's coat onto the floor and picks it up, putting it over the back of the chair, "Sorry Joanna."

"No you're not." There was suddenly silence at the table, I don't think anyone has ever heard Joanna say a wrong word to anyone since she's been in the village.

Mum is clearly taken aback, "Excuse me?"

"You're not sorry."

"I don't quite follow Joanna?"

"I've lost my job because of you."

Mum just looks at her none the wiser, "You're going to have to spell it out for me, because I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Robert's put Home Farm up for sale, they're leaving." I feel my stomach churn, I look at Andy but he shrugs his shoulders and shakes his head. "You had to push it didn't you, you couldn't move on like everyone else? I assume we've got you to thank for the visit from the police early last week asking more questions about Wiley's and Katie?"

It's clear from mum's face it was her, "And I'd do it again, they wouldn't ask questions unless there was something that doesn't add up. "

"They're obliged to follow up Chas, we both know that's how it works. Robert's not perfect by any means but he loves Milly. I love Milly and there are a lot of people in this village who love both of them. He wanted her to be here, for her to be close to family; he wanted that more than anything, that's why he stayed after everything that happened."

She looks at me and then back to Chas. "I don't know anything other than village gossip, but I don't think you know much more either. You can't leave well alone and let them be can you?" again she glances back to me, almost guiltily. "No, Chas knows best and everyone has to dance to your tune. Well congratulations, you've won Chas."

.

Andy is the first to recover from the initial shock, "So when's he planning to leave?"

"You don't get it, he's practically gone already. I don't even know if he'll come back to Emmerdale at all; he got a job offer and he's taken it. He's given me instructions to stay here with Milly until he has sorted the paperwork and found her a place at a new nursery or whatever they have out there and then, basically I'm out of a job.

I finally find my voice, "What d'ya mean? Out where?"

She looks at me, "Hong Kong....., they're moving to Hong Kong. He asked me if I would go with them, but I don't want to be that far from my family and it's way too hot for me, it would drive me insane." She pauses and now looks directly at me with sad smile, "We both know he won't ever come back once he leaves, he'll be gone for good this time. You know him better than I do, but....., you know I'm right?" Joanna downs her glass of wine. "I think it's my round, who wants a drink?"

Other than Joanna who is rummaging in her bag for her purse, they're are all looking at me for some kind of confirmation; but it's too much to take in right now and I grab my coat and leave.

I ignore mum on my way out, but I hear her say, "Good riddance if you ask me."

.

All this time I thought he's just gone for work. It's not often he's gone this long, but every now and again he is. I can't believe he's doing all this and not said anything, that I have to find out from Joanna. I knew it was weird he'd not texted or called all this time but I'd told myself, after everything the last few days he was here, he just needed some space. That maybe in his own clumsy way, he wanted me to know that he understood we're just friends. Now I don't know what to think, sat on my bed trying to decide what to put in the text. He hadn't picked up the couple of times I called him on my way back from the pub and I didn't leave any message. In the end I just wrote, 'You couldn't tell me yourself you're leaving?'"

I sit there all night expecting to get a text back, but I don't, nothing. Not today, not tomorrow, nor the next day; nothing at all.

TBC


	27. Past, Present, Future

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron starts to have nightmares after seeing Milly in the coffee shop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posted Chapter 26 and 27 together.

Aaron - Monday 13th April 2015

Since Joanna told us the news I've stopped running, I can't seem to motivate myself to go; it's not the same any more. I don't see the point now anyway, I'll never get the chance to try and beat his arse. I suppose I should be relieved they are leaving and maybe a part of me is. My life can get back to how it used to be, but deep down I know it can never the same; too much has changed, I've changed.

The days pass by pretty much the same as before; I get up, I go to work and I go to bed. The only difference is I now ignore mum as much as she ignores me, we're at stalemate; and I've been really struggling with my sleep.

I thank Bob for the coffee and take a big drink on my way to sit on the sofa in the coffee shop. I rest my head back and close my eyes for a moment, the lack of sleep is really beginning to show. It doesn't matter what I try, nothing seems to work; if anything it's getting worse. I just toss and turn on a night, usually dropping off around three or four and then it's not long until the alarm wakes me for work. I'm just about surviving thanks to all the coffee I'm drinking.

"Hi Aaron," I open my eyes to see Joanna stood in front of me.

I give her a tired smile, "Hey."

I hadn't seen Milly, she catches me completely by surprise as comes out from hiding behind Joanna and climbs onto me. She wraps her arms around my neck and hugs me just like she always did. She's clinging to me so tight and for a moment, a split second, I wrap my arms around her and kiss her head. It's just how I remember, how it had felt to love her; Milly, Jem and Robert. Then the present catches up on me and I panic.

I haven't seen Milly properly since last November, I'd been so careful all this time to avoid her since I've been back. For some reason I thought she would have forgotten all about me now, she only really knew me a few weeks and that was months ago. I quickly hold her away from me and I get up, pushing her into Joanna's arms, "I can't, I'm sorry, I can't." I leg it out of the coffee shop so quick, I even forget I still have to pay.

I don't stop running until I'm out of the village. I didn't know where to go and in the end I've come to Wiley's; it's peaceful, all Robert's plans and scribbles still on the wall. I get why he liked coming here to think and be alone; I don't make it to back to the scrap yard or up-to the farm. I ignore everyone's texts and calls to the point I just switch my phone off completely.

Robert had known I was nervous about seeing Milly; he hadn't pushed it, probably thinking we had lots of time. For the first time in ages I have the urge to use, to make it all go away; but I stay here until into the evening, away from everyone and everything. I distract myself by exploring the space properly for the first time; looking more closely at Robert's plans and notes and trying to figure out and imagine how it all fits together. It would still be a working farm, but definitely not a traditional one in any way.

.

Aaron - Thursday 16th April 2015

I dread the night-time since seeing Milly on Monday; holding her, even for that instant, has triggered feelings that I'd kept hidden. I'd managed to push them so deep inside me, I had never really confronted how I felt about Jem and Milly. After I left, the drugs had made a lot of the pain and feelings go away; it had been Robert that I couldn't force out back then. 

With Jem I had mostly pushed it away after she was taken, focussing on helping Milly and Robert. Then when Robert told me about Jem after I came back, I did the same, pushing it down, deep inside. I knew I wouldn't be able to avoid Milly forever and this would eventually force me to face my fears. I just hadn't banked on Robert not being here to help me, he's the only one who knows what we went through, the only one who will really understand.

.

It's the same two nightmares each night. I'm so tired I actually go to sleep without any problem, I just wish I didn't. I wake three or four times during the night, all my worst fears from before consuming me. I'm screaming and fighting to hold onto Jem but I can't and in the nightmare, Robert doesn't find me, I feel the water drowning me. The other is a variation on the last night I was at Home Farm. We were arguing the same, with Robert telling me that he won't lose another daughter because of me. Milly is having a panic attack and I'm trying to reach her to help, but Robert pulls me away. I'm fighting him and he puts the gun under my chin, but when he pulls the trigger, this time, the clip isn't empty.

Adam and Vic have tried everything. I refuse to talk about it, I just can't; clamming up every time and pushing them away. Vic wants me to go to see someone, the doctor, anyone; she even got Joanna to try and get me to talk or convince me to see someone. I made them all promise not to say anything to anyone, not Paddy and definitely not mum; I threatened to leave if they did, but I don't know how much longer we can go on like this.

I'm at the point where I do everything I can not to fall asleep. I somehow still manage to go to work, but when I get home, wherever I am, I'm so tired that my eyes close and then the inevitable happens. I wake up screaming for the girls, shouting their names. When I'm in bed, I'm fighting with the duvet as if I'm fighting to keep them safe until the death takes hold and they fade away from me. The nightmares run on repeat in my head and I can't stop them.

.

Tonight is the fourth night in a row, it's only just after ten the first time I wake. Adam is sleeping in my room with me since last night to see if having someone close to me makes any difference, but it doesn't change anything. Both Adam and Vic are by my side, trying to calm me down; they don't know how to help me and I don't know how to help myself. I never cry, but I'm so scared, I shake with fear; the nightmares feel so very real. 

Just after midnight I wake again, the same repeat in my head as every other time. I'm so exhausted; I don't have any energy left now. As the nightmares grab hold of my mind and body, something's different. I don't comprehend it's actually Robert at first, I think it's in my head, the tiredness playing tricks on me; but it's his voice trying to calm me, his smell. I feel his body over mine, pinning me down to stop me fighting in a way I know only he does. As I eventually realise it's him and not part of the nightmare I cling onto him, as if I'm trying to be a part of him, just like he had that time with me when I was in the hospital. His presence calms me almost immediately and I fall asleep in his arms.

When the nightmares take hold again and I try and fight or scream, he holds me so close, that I can hardly move and when I wake, the first thing I feel is Robert. We are pushing into each other, his hands are moving constantly over my body, pulling me into him, trying to make me feel safe. It feels like he's inside my soul as he quietly talks me down from my fear, his hand running through my hair and down my face. Even when the fear is gone, his hands keep moving and I begin to respond to his every touch. My hands start moving over him, increasingly with a physical intimacy until suddenly we are kissing and his legs are wrapping themselves around me. My need to feel safe and his need to make me feel safe is turning into desire, but the sensuality between us is on a level I have never felt before.

.

We have both been so lost since last October and have pushed each other to the extreme in every way, but at this moment we are just as lost in each other, needing to be together. My tiredness has temporarily disappeared and after pulling each other's clothes off, our naked bodies are almost attacking each other with an unbelievable urgency and intensity. There is no conversation, no conscious decisions, it's simply just us; our past, our present and our future are being reconciled and decided as our bodies intertwine with the overriding emotional need to re-connect.

When he pushes inside me, I press back into him, he's so deep yet I want more; I want all of him. His pace is steady, slower than usual as he drives in and out of me, our bodies are moving so completely in unison. I can't get enough of him, his tongue reaching down my throat and I push mine inside his mouth wanting to taste him. My arm is reaching round the back of his head as his fucks me from behind, our bodies spooning as he pushes up into me. When he kisses my ear and down my neck I almost come from this sensation just on its own, I have to hold his head still to stop him.

His left hand is stroking me off as, his hand controlling me completely so that we both come at the same time. I can feel his entire body shudder and I cry so loudly out as I come, he has to put his right hand over my mouth, just in case Vic or Adam decide to come in thinking we needed help. Roberts head is resting against mine, I feel his breathing heavy on the back of my neck again, which just turns me on even more. We don't stop, I continue pushing against him as he holds me in a way that we are so tight together. Although I can hardly move, as the orgasm flows through me, my body keeps jerking from the sensation and his hand keeps me quiet. This is such a massive turn on in its own right, that I stay semi-hard. He hadn't stopped fucking me, just slowed it right down and as his hand starts to work my dick again, I become fully hard and he makes me come a second time, almost as intensely as the first. He never takes his right hand from over my mouth, pressing my head to him; I can feel the tingling sensation from his breath on my neck, his mouth and tongue kisses and teases my ear and neck the whole time.

This time I am completely spent, he scoops my come onto his fingers and feeds it to me; sometimes half licking it off himself and then pushing his fingers deep inside my mouth, making me suck them clean. I can feel his dick still plugging the warm and wet of his come inside me.

.

Eventually we are laying still, our bodies haven't parted and we are still holding each other tight together; completely exhausted. I can't describe how emotionally very intense it is between us; we don't talk, we don't need to. We soon fall asleep, both silently acknowledging that we need and want each other; there's no more running away from it. Tonight we communicated through our bodies and our subconscious emotionally, so completely, that we can't ignore it. Everything that happened before is still there, we will need to find a way to make peace with the past; and the future, well we are just going to have to work it out somehow as we go along.

TBC

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many thanks to everyone for the kind comments and feedback, I'm glad everyone is enjoying.
> 
> The boys have hit a clear turning point in their journey. This doesn't mean, however, that it's going to be plain sailing; there are at least a couple more huge bumps to come.  
> Hopefully I will post at least one more chapter tomorrow night. It's written in my head, it just depends how long it takes me to get it right when I start writing it down.  
> Take care.....  
> Caro


	28. A Perfect Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert and Aaron go away for a few days to spend some much needed time alone together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posted chapter 28 and 29 together.

Robert - Friday 17th April 2015, Keepers Cottage

Aaron is laid on his side, one hand under the pillow by his head, the other holding the duvet, tucked in under his chin. The nightmares had come a couple more times, but he'd finally gone into a deep sleep; he didn't wake again after that and has slept almost all day.

I've been watching him for a while since coming back to bed. I'd kept getting up for a drink or something to eat, but I wasn't ever away from him long. I smile at him as he finally wakes and I see him spying my coffee mug. I trace a finger down his cheek, "You want one sleepyhead? Drink that is."

Aaron stretches, his body arching. He probably feels as though he has been in bed forever and he nods as he sleepily rolls back onto his side, "Are the others in?"

"No. Vic's working and Adam's gone to the pub for tea. No-one else other than Joanna knows I'm here; they all promised not to say anything. Let me go make you a drink first, you want tea?"

He nods and looks over at the clock, it's just gone six pm.

"Food?"

"Tea first."

.

I bring him his tea and get into bed beside him. After taking a couple of drinks, he props himself up against the pillows, lying half on his side, "What made you come back?"

"You, "I look at him, surprised he had to ask, "It's always you."

"I don't get it, you ignored all my calls and texts. Joanna said she didn't know if you would be back at all."

I look down, I know I shouldn't have left like that, "Sorry. I just thought it would be easier. I thought if I wasn't around and got out of your life for good, then you would eventually work things out with your mum and..... Oh I don't know Aaron, I know I fucked up. Adam made it very clear when he called, what he thought of me and I knew it had to be bad for him to ring. I was an idiot thinking running away would help."

"Mmmmh, been there, done that. Didn't work and definitely didn't help."

I smile at him and turn onto my side, propping myself up against the pillows the same as him, bringing us much nearer to each other, "Yeah I know. I don't know what it is about you, but you screw up all my senses. It's like I can't function properly when we aren't okay." I grin and shake my head, "I'm not even sure I can function properly around you when we are okay."

"I'm not sure that's a good thing."

"Yes it is, it means I can't live without you; but that also means it's like I overload and I don't know how to handle it. I've never been like that before, not until....." I decide not to finish the sentence, conscious that we have a lot to talk about if we are really going to find a way to make this work and some of its going to be hard, really hard. I don't want to get into it now.

I can feel Aaron's leg move over mine, just resting on me, but the feeling is incredible. His eyes are searching mine to see if I'm going to finish my sentence, when I don't he takes the initiative, "So where do we go we go from here? We can't keep doing this to each other."

"I have a proposal." He pulls a face at me, "Not that kind of proposal idiot. Something I think we need to do to try and work things out."

.

Robert - Saturday 18th April 2015, Tenby

We'd left Emmerdale as soon as Aaron had showered and eaten. We only stopped the once, so it's now just after midnight as we pull up outside the beach house, a couple of miles up the coast from Tenby.

It's nicely off the beaten track; other than the beam from the headlights, it's pitch black as we get out of the car. The key had been in the usual slot just above the gutter where I knew it would be. Aaron watches me bemused, holding the torch I had given him as I let go of the stone wall and jump back down to the ground, "I take it you've been here before then?"

Aaron had agreed we needed to get away from Emmerdale for a few days; so I had told him I'd already spoken with the Colonel who owns this place and we could have it for as long as we want. It's a good place to get away from everything and be alone together, "I've spent a lot of time here over the years one way or another. Come on, let's get inside, it's chilly out."

Adam and Vic are covering for us. As far as the village is concerned, I'm in Hong Kong and Aaron is off doing stuff for Adam and will be away for the week. The rest is up-to us. Depending how things go, I want Milly and Joanna to come down later in the week. I want to give Aaron time to get used to her again, but I haven't said anything except to Joanna about this; I don't want to jinx it. There's no guarantee he'll agree or that we even get that far. Joanna was crying down the phone when I had called her and told her what was going on. I had to laugh when she gave me strict instructions, under no circumstances am I to fuck it up.

I'd made the arrangements earlier in the day, so Caroline, the Colonels wife, had been round and stocked up for us and got everything ready. It doesn't take long to get settled, neither of us ever need a lot of stuff. Despite having slept most of the day, Aaron's tired and we pretty much crashed in bed not long after I'd shown Aaron around the essential need to know for the night. He woke up just the once with the nightmares, but nothing like as bad as before and had gone back to sleep more or less straight away.

.

I wake up to the sun streaming in through the window, we hadn't bothered to shut the curtains or the shutters. Aaron is up already, I find him stood outside on the deck, leaning against the wooden railings looking out at the sea.

I go and rest my chin on his shoulder and put my arms round him. I've missed this more than anything, feeling him near me. He turns his head and rests it against mine, "The Colonel get a pay off as well? This place must be worth a fortune."

"It was Caroline's parent's place, she was an only child and they were well off. It's nice hey?" This is an understatement, not too many people have a big house on the coast, with its own private beach and the sea at the bottom of the garden; not to mention the views across to Caldey Island.

We decide to go for a run along the coast path. It's a while since I've been here, the sea air feels good and for once the weather forecast is looking really good, with nice warm temperatures expected for the whole week. We run as far as Lydstep beach and walk for a while on the sand, but it soon descends into us play fighting along the beach. I'm not sure how we avoid falling into the sea as Aaron clips the back of my legs intentionally, yet again. I chase him up the beach and after catching him, I pin him down; his arms stretched out above his head, held down by my hands in his. I can't take my eyes off him, he's beautiful when he smiles. I roll off him onto my back, before I get other thoughts that wouldn't be appropriate for the middle of a public beach. I hold his hand and for a while we just lie on the sand, staring up at the perfect blue sky.

.

Aaron rolls onto his side and is looking serious, but before he can say anything, I put my fingers to his lips, "Not today....., I want to just enjoy being with you, just us; we've got plenty of time to talk." Aaron leans on me, his chin resting on his folded arms draped over my front, "Is that okay?"

He nods and we stay watching the world go by. We both like people watching it seems and have fun commenting on and taking the piss out of some of the passer-bys. He goes quiet for a while as he watches a family not too far away; father and daughter playing bowls and the mum sat with a toddler, still at the early stages of walking, he keeps falling down onto his bum. I see Aaron laughing at him and I stroke his hair as he watches them. He moves onto his back, resting his head on my stomach with his eyes closed; I don't say anything, but I know he's thinking about Milly, maybe even Jem. He never spoke about Jem when I'd told her she was dead. I know he'll find his way with Milly, it's not like she'll give him a choice; but Jem, that's going to be different altogether when he finally confronts it, which he will at some point.

Eventually we get up and go for an ice cream, before walking back along the coast to the house. We stop every now and again if something takes our interest. We end up talking to a really amusing, if eccentric, old couple for ages who are out with their dogs. Aaron is immediately taken with the dogs as they run around us and is playing with them like a big kid. We haven't had this before, ever since I met Aaron there has always been something or someone driving our day. It's only now I really appreciate this is the first time where we have nothing to do, no-one to see and our time is our own; it feels really nice. We're walking hand in hand as we turn down the path down to the house; we've been out all day in the end, it's already tea time.

We go round the front onto the deck and I pull Aaron to me, running my hand through his hair; we have sand everywhere, "I think you need a bath Mr Livesy, you fancy letting me wash all that sand and salt away?" I'm teasing him with my hands resting on his bum, slightly squeezing as we kiss.

"Mmmhh, I think I could let you do that Mr Sugden," he's slowly walking me backwards towards the french windows which we came out of this morning, kissing me until I hit the doors and we stay there kissing for a while longer. Finally when we stop, Aaron rubs his nose gently against mine, before unlocking the door.

"I'll go run the water, whilst you, Mr Livesy, go grab us some beers."

I'm beginning to think we have a thing with water play because once we are in the bath it doesn't take us long before we start to make love and by the time we are done there is probably more water outside the bath than in it. I leave him to clean up whilst I see if I can go find some stuff for the outside grill. We spend the evening talking about the day and the house, sat on the chairs next to the outside fire burner which is keeping us nicely warm. When it gets a little more chilly later on, I go get the blankets out of the box and we snuggle together on the same lounger, enjoying the warmth from each other and the fire as Aaron lies in my arms.

Today has been our first perfect day and as we go hand in hand up-to bed, I make a silent promise to myself that this is the first of many.

TBC


	29. Meeting You Changed My Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert and Aaron talk and start to work out their future together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posted chapter 28 and 29 together.

Aaron - Monday 20th April 2015, Tenby

Robert was right, we needed to spend time just the two of us, having some fun and enjoying each other a while, before we get into working out how we move forward. Saturday had been so good, that we decided to spend yesterday pretty much the same. We had gone running, but in the other direction, exploring up the coast a little and then on the way back in the afternoon, we looked round Tenby. We ate there and had a few drinks, just getting back before it got dark.

When we got back, we had a bath, this time without quite so much water landing outside the bath; but that's just because we're getting more practiced at how to move against each other without causing a tidal wave of water to overflow. The only tidal wave was the one going through me when I came, loudly I might add. Our love making had always felt amazing, but since being here we are more relaxed and this is making a difference; we are taking more time and enjoying making it last a lot longer. There's no stress between us, we don't have to rush to be anywhere or worry about anyone walking in on us or having to be quiet. We keep learning new things about what we like and little touches that turn us on or make us laugh. Robert is ticklish on the most odd parts of his body and having discovered these, gives me an extra weapon when we are fooling around; much to his dismay.

.

I'm almost always awake before Robert. I had found the nearest bakery and got some fresh provisions; by the time he gets up I'm sat out on the deck having breakfast, reading the paper. We are being spoilt with the late Spring weather, in a good way for once. I feel his hand run through my hair and down my arm as he bends over me and kisses me, before stealing the paper and pouring himself a cup of coffee.

"Oi, I was reading that," he just sniggers at me and shrugs, his eyes sparkling mischievously in the morning sun. "You will pay for that Sugden, just you wait."

"Promises, promises," as he puts a slice of buttered toast in his mouth.

I have to laugh at him, but I will definitely make him regret that later and he knows it.

We'd agreed we would go running later on, if we still felt like it after we talk. After breakfast we take a couple of big rugs and towels down to the beach. We enjoy lying in the morning sun for a while; quiet, mostly because we don't really know how to start. A part of me doesn't want to, the last couple of days have been so good, it seems a shame to spoil it.

.

It's me that starts, slightly off topic, but not; we'd agreed nothing was off limits. Today we would talk about anything and everything and then we'd just see where we end up, "Do you miss the army?"

"Start with an easy one why don't you." He grins at me nervously as he sits up and crosses his legs, facing towards me. I turn on my side and prop myself up with my arm at angle, my head resting in my hand, "Yes and no."

I can see him searching for the right words, "I miss the team and strangely enough I miss some of the rules; sometimes it's very black and white, you don't have to think, you just do. I was in the army ten years, it made me grow up and it will always be a part of me; it most definitely made me a better person, the Army and Amanda together." He pauses a minute, "It was a mix of everything, hard work, sometimes mad, exciting, sometimes boring." He looks across at me, "I've seen and done things that no-one should ever have to, but then I've seen people do things that are amazing. There's nothing that can replace it, nothing and it's weird being on the outside when I speak to friends; but I don't regret leaving, things change. I need different things now, want.... not just need, I want different things."

He starts drawing in the sand with his finger and I can sense his mood become a lot more serious. He moves position so his right leg is up at an angle and he rests his hands and his chin on his knee, "It's why I decided to stay in Emmerdale last October, losing Amanda changed my priorities; but meeting you changed my life."

Meeting him changed my life also, "Do you wish we had never started up?"

"No, never; but I wish I could have kept you safe...., you, Milly and Jem." I can see tears glistening in his eyes, but he holds them back. "I didn't know Aaron, it was never a consideration that they would target me or my family."

"You would have still gone though, it wouldn't have stopped you."

He looks at me, "Yes, but I would have made sure you were all safe."

.

Robert rubs his hand over his forehead and leaves it there resting his head against it, I can tell he's feeling very anxious. "I don't know what you saw in me, I was a disaster from the moment I came back to Emmerdale. Milly and Jem were running rings round me, half the village hated me; even you in the beginning." I have to smile at him as I remember cursing him constantly those first couple of days, "Your mum had it in for me as soon as I walked through the door, it was only the girls that kept her at bay. Even that wouldn't work now; she barely tolerates Milly, all because of me."

I chuckle to myself, "I remember calling you a prick more than once. It wound me up that I couldn't stop thinking about you, you were different to anyone I had ever met before and hot," I put my hands over my face, embarrassed, "god you were so hot in those combats up at the farm that first time. You have no idea what you did to me."

He looks at me sheepishly, "You let me find out later though, I could have kept you on the edge all day and you would have let me." I have to smile, remembering how I had to beg him to let me come.

My smile fades as I think about how we had been after that, "I know, but that's what it felt like the whole time we were together back then. It was so intense all the time, we were always on the edge for something or another; there was never any space to breathe. It was never just us, there was always something or someone in the middle."

.

We are quiet for a while, lost in thought until Robert speaks again, "I was wrong to blame you, I didn't mean it. You were what had kept me going, you and Milly. I couldn't find Jem and I couldn't find the people who had taken you. I was too much of a coward to admit that my decision to go back and do that one last job was the reason she was gone. It was easier to push it on you and you let me." He looks at me directly into my eyes, "Why did you stay with me for so long?"

I don't have to think about this as I sit up properly on the rug, facing him, "I loved you. I knew what it was doing to you inside, I thought I could help."

A tear falls down Robert's cheek, "You did. You did help, I just didn't know how much until you left." He hugs both his knees to him and hides his head down, now crying openly.

When he brings his head back up, I look into his eyes, "I won't forgive you for what you did that night. What you did was so wrong."

He wipes his tears and rests his chin back on his knees, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry....., I can't change it, I would if I could, but I can't. I know you would never hurt Milly and I know you did everything to keep them safe. I know you loved them both like they were yours." The tears continue streaming down his face, "When we found you in the mine shaft, I knew then for sure that I loved you. I'd never been so scared of anything in my entire life as I was of losing you that day. I don't know how I got from there to....., to pulling the trigger that night and saying the things I did. I don't know how my love for you got so lost."

I sit and watch him crying. It hurts to see him like this, but I have no comfort for him; he has to face what he did. I hurt myself very badly and everyone around me because of him and I won't survive it a second time. He needs to understand this.

"I was too ashamed to look for you afterwards and I didn't think I could ever get you back. The only way I could live without you was to close down every part of me that loved you, but that meant I wasn't alive, not really. I hid it behind Milly, searching for Jem, even though I knew deep down she was probably dead. None of it meant the same to me without you there, not even Milly was enough."

.

I think about what he'd said a minute, "I have to find a way to be able to trust you. How do I know it won't happen again when something bad happens and you can't cope? If there's a next time it will kill me Robert, then you need to make sure you have bullets in the gun when you pull the trigger."

"There are no guns in the house, not anymore."

I shake my head at him, he has to understand, "You don't need a gun to kill me, your words alone will do it."

He hunches his shoulders hugging himself into his knees, but his face is looking directly at me, "I don't know how to convince you, except tell you I love you and promise I will never hurt you like that again. I will do anything, just give me a chance to prove it. We are good together Aaron, we are really good together. I know it's not going to be easy but the one thing I am sure of, since I met you, I'm only alive when you're in my life." He wipes the tears away once more and rubs his forehead against his knees, trying to compose himself; his tears leaving wet marks on his jeans. He looks at me, his eyes pleading and almost in a whisper he asks me, "Will you let me back in?"

I take a deep breath, "This still scares me Robert, being with you sometimes really scares me; but being without you scares me more. We have to find a way to make peace with what happened and with each other, not just that night, but all of it. That's not going to happen in one day, not just talking here on this beach; being here is just the start, we have to take it one day at time. Just like with me when I get cravings for the drugs, there's a risk that we can relapse at any time, so we need to make sure that we are strong enough not to go there again; not ever, do you understand? We can't ever be in that place again."

He nods silently at me and turns his head resting it on his knees, looking out over the sea.

.

He turns back to me, his eyes are red from all the crying, but the tears have stopped, "What about Milly? She's part of my life, you can't keep hiding from her and you are aren't you?"

I nod. "The nightmares only started after seeing her in the coffee shop. I'm scared of being around her, of how it makes me feel."

"Because of what I said that night?"

"Partly, but I can't bear to lose her again. If it doesn't work between us, I would lose her as well."

"We come as a package deal Aaron, it's the same for her. If I screw it up again, she loses you and she never forgot you did she?" I shake my head and he continues, "She might only be four, almost five as she keeps reminding me, but she remembers. She knows how you looked after her when I didn't. She knows the reason you left is because of me, I never hid that from her. Let her come here for a couple of days with Joanna, spend some time with her. Then see how you feel, about her, about me and decide what you want to do."

"No."

He looks at me shocked and I quickly explain, "I mean I don't need time, I know I want us to try. We made that decision on Friday, but I have some conditions and they're not negotiable." I can see the relief in his face and he waits for me to carry on.

.

"First, I won't hide that we are together. I don't have the energy to do this and live double lives. I don't care what anyone says or thinks, it's nothing to do with them; mum included."

"Second, I'm going to still live with Vic and Adam. I'll stay over at Home Farm sometimes, but I won't ever live there. I don't ever want it to be my home, there's too many memories."

"Third, we go out and do things that boyfriends do; that we have time for us, away from Milly and everyone."

I look at him, and he nods just slightly as he stares back at me. I can feel the relief and emotion coming off in him waves, "Thank You, I won't let you down Aaron." He hesitates, "And Milly? Can she come?"

I let a smile slip, "Package deal you said?"

He nods, "You'd best call Joanna then." He moves towards me, but I stop him and push him back down with my hand.

I stand up and look out over the sea, then back down at him, "One final thing. Your work....., is it something I should be afraid of? Are we safe?"

Robert nods, "Yes, we're safe."

"Good."

This time when he comes towards me I let him come close. We just stand resting our foreheads together for a moment, his places his hands either side of my neck and we kiss really gently. After a quick kiss on my forehead, he takes hold of my hand and we walk along the beach.

.

We are sat at the far end of the beach, I am lying back on the sand propped up on my elbows. My head is leaning back so I can enjoy the sun on my face, nice and quiet, or I was until he leans over and whispers into my ear, "So when do I get to see you run naked through Emmerdale then?"

I grin, rolling onto my side to face him, I rest my hand on his hip, "Never Sugden. It's going to be your tight arse and tackle that everyone gets to gawk at, not mine; just you wait and see." I slide my hand onto his arse and I pinch it as hard as I can; it is most definitely tight. I roll away from him, get up and leg it away from him as quick as I can.

I know he was slow to react on purpose, he likes the chase. This time when he catches me, as he always does, we end up in the freezing seawater, fully clothed. I get free from him and he chases me through the water's edge until we find ourselves lying back on the rugs, where we had been sat earlier. Our wet clothes don't stay on for long as we make love out on the beach. We keep on enjoying each other's bodies until the sun goes in at tea time, when we go inside for some food. It feels good; time will tell if we are strong enough to hold together.

TBC


	30. Captain Milly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron and Milly get re-acquainted.

Robert - Tuesday 21st April 2015, Tenby

Even though yesterday had ended pretty relaxed between us considering the weight of the conversation earlier in the day, Aaron was really restless during the night. He didn't sleep well at all and I can tell he is really nervous about seeing Milly again. We have this morning to ourselves as Milly and Joanna probably won't get here until around one-ish, but he was quiet on our run and he pushed himself much harder than he does normally.

When we got back I had a few things to sort out, like un-arranging a whole life in Hong Kong. I probably lost a few favours on that, but they'll get over it. After a quick shower, I go out on the deck, drying my hair with the towel and I see Aaron sat down on the beach, staring out to sea. I decide to leave him to it, he'll come back up when he's ready.

I'm in the kitchen making a sandwich when he finally comes up and starts to make a brew, "You want one?" I wave my knife mid-air indicating the sandwich I'd just made. He looks over at the concoction I have in front of me and screws his face up, "Yep, but I'll make my own thanks, that looks like it could be dangerous."

I grin at him, "Suit yourself." I leave him to his sandwich making and go back outside. I can't wait to see Milly, I haven't seen her myself for three weeks; I had gone straight to Aaron from the airport. I can't imagine now that I used to be away up-to months at a time before, it feels like a lifetime ago.

Aaron is leaning against the railing with his sandwich, amused at me failing miserably with the crossword; but on hearing Joanna and Milly come through the house and out onto the deck, I glance over to him and I can see him tense up. Milly has been coming here since she was little, on holidays either with me and Amanda or on her own with the Colonel and Caroline. They are the closest thing to grandparents she had known until recently and I know they secretly loved it when she started calling them grandpa and grandma. Their kids don't seem to want children, but you never know, they have time still.

.

Milly jumps all over me, forcing me to put the paper down as she gives me a big hug and lies on top of me, "Were you good on the journey down?" I look at Joanna to see what she thought about it, but she seems quite relaxed so it can't have been too bad.

"I'm always good daddy."

I squeeze her in my arms as she rests her head on my chest, "Mmmmh, do you really want me to respond to that?" She turns her head, now resting her chin on my front, peering up at me. She doesn't answer and just giggles at me. I look over at Aaron, Joanna is now stood next to him at the railings; he is quietly watching us, but I can't read the expression on his face at all.

I look back at Milly, "I thought, we could go to Tenby onto the beach, take the dinghy with us and then have fish and chips for tea. What do you think?" Milly loves being out on the water, so I knew she would be happy. She nods her head and starts fiddling with the button on my top as I lift her up and plonk her down on her feet, "Okay, but you need to go get changed quickly or we won't have time."

I hadn't really discussed with Aaron what we would do when she got here, but I had decided last night. I want to go somewhere with other people around to help take the pressure off him instead of it just being the four of us; Milly will do the rest without even realising it.

"Well go on then, what are you waiting for? Go get changed." She grins at me and she goes inside with Joanna whilst I go over to Aaron and put my arms round his neck, "You okay with a bit of sand, sea, sun and Sugdens?" He nods though I still don't know what's going through his head, I smirk at him, "Are you going to go get changed as well, or are you going to end up in the water with wet jeans again?" This gets a small smile from him. I give him a quick kiss and then take his hand pulling him into the house.

Milly as usual takes forever and after a while of waiting out by the car I yell into the house for her, "Milly, we're going without you, you'll be fine on your own won't you until we get back?" I already have the car door waiting open for her as she hurtles from the house and into the back seat.

.

After the quick drive into Tenby and parking up, it's not long before we're on the beach and she is already unpacking the pump for the Dinghy. I'd been resting my hand on Aaron's thigh throughout the drive into town; he seemed okay, but he still hadn't said a word to her yet. Milly is also being reserved with him. She kept looking at him, but hasn't spoken to him yet. I suppose after he did a runner the other day she is less sure about jumping all over him, but patience isn't her strong point.

Now all installed on the beach, she stands there in front of us, dinghy blown up, hands on her hips and looks at us to see which one of us is going with her. She knows she isn't allowed out on the water on her own. Joanna took one look at her and laid back on her towel, "Don't look at me Milly, I've spent the day driving; I deserve a rest. You need to get daddy or Aaron to go with you."

She looks between the two of us, deciding which one to pick and in the end she grabs my hand, pulls me up from my towel, telling me it's my job to bring the dinghy. As we start to walk, she yells back to Aaron instructing him to bring the paddle; Milly does bossy very well.

I look back at Aaron, who is frozen to the spot, as Milly continues to drag me in the direction of the sea, "Come on then, don't keep her ladyship waiting; plus I might need saving.....," I don't quite manage to finish my sentence, as Milly tugs hard on my hand and I almost trip arse over tit, narrowly avoiding demolishing someone's rather extensive sandcastle and moat. I move double quick, saying sorry, as I get murderous glares from the sandcastle builders and focus on getting Milly waterborne.

.

Aaron is still laughing at me when he passes me the paddle. Milly doesn't seem to notice the cold of the water, but that's probably because she's nice and warm, sunning herself in the dinghy and I'm the idiot pushing her, chest deep in the cold water. The weather is nice and it's lovely and warm, but the sea temperature in late Spring is more than a little chilly once you get past paddling depth. I help her with her paddling technique for a while, and then go back to the water's edge. I'd half expected Aaron to have gone back up the beach, but he hadn't, "You okay?"

He nods, smiling slightly as his eyes watch Milly taking command of her ship, "I'd forgotten she could be such a bossy madam."

"Hah, you haven't seen anything yet. She's come on leaps and bounds in the whole independence stakes. She'll drive you potty." I turn and look at her and can't help smiling. As she gets a little further out, I run and dive in the water; I love the feeling of the cold shocking my body, it feels good and I swim over to Milly. She laughs at me, not being at all helpful, as I intentionally make a palava of getting into the dinghy with her and we paddle off on our own, whilst she tells me what she's been up-to for the last few weeks. When we've had enough paddling, we let the dinghy float for a while and enjoy the sun, Milly leaning against me.

.

Captain Milly finally decides it's time to go ashore and we pull the dinghy a little way up the beach so we can come back to it later if we want to go out again. When I look to Aaron and Joanna further up the beach, they are both lying in the sun, dead to the world. I grab one of Milly's buckets that she'd had with her in the dinghy and fill it with seawater. After kneeling down next to Aaron having managed not to disturb him, I start flicking the cold water at his face with my hand. Milly and me are both laughing at him as he wakes him with a start. He manages not to swear, remembering Milly is around, but isn't quick enough to avoid me emptying the rest of the water onto him in one go. After getting slarted with quite a bit of water Joanna shouts after us, "Oi, not on me," but Aaron is already chasing me and we go crashing into the sea. We mess around dunking each other for a while, but it's too cold to stay in for long and we pull the dinghy with us on our way back up to Milly and Joanna, then lie down in it to warm up and dry off.

Milly soon decides it's ice cream time and is trying to get one of us to go with her. Joanna is still feigning the need to recover from driving, I shake my head saying I did dinghy duty and nod my head at Aaron, "Your turn. I'll have mint choc chip please, wallets in the bag," and Joanna has no problem waking up and finding the energy to ask for an ice cream wafer. I watch amused, propped up on my elbows, as Milly pulls Aaron by the hand in the direction of the ice cream kiosk and I have to give it to her, it hadn't taken her long to have him completely relaxed with her.

I fell asleep after eating the ice cream and when I wake, I see Milly, Joanna and Aaron building sandcastles. I close my eyes again and leave them to it, thinking they need more practice.

.

A spare change of clothes is mandatory when going out anywhere for the day with the Sugdens, so we got changed before going for fish and chips and then afterwards drove home. Joanna went to sort her and Milly's stuff out properly and I wash down the dinghy and paddle, then empty the rest of the stuff out of the car. When I come out, I look for Aaron and Milly. For a moment I panic slightly, but I see Joanna and she beckons me over, passing me a glass of wine. Aaron and Milly are on the beach walking and playing off each other. Joanna looks at me, "How was it?"

I look at her and then return to watching Aaron and Milly again, "He's giving me another chance. Like you said, I just need to make sure I don't fuck it up this time." My phone goes and I head off inside to take the call.

On my way back out I grab another bottle of wine and a beer for Aaron. I soon see I'm losing my status because when I come back out Milly is sat with Aaron on one of the loungers and Joanna is on the lounger next to them. "Huh, what no room for me?" They all look up at me as if to say, too late to the party and I have to go and get myself another lounger to pull alongside them.

I get the green light after I ask them all if it's okay for the Colonel and some of the guys to come round tomorrow with their families for a bbq. He had called to suggest it, I had completely forgotten tomorrow is my birthday. It will be really nice to catch up with everyone, but it will be interesting to see how Aaron reacts. More interestingly, he'll see me with a whole bunch of people who know me in a completely different way to everyone back in Emmerdale.

.

It's getting quite late and Milly has already fallen asleep on Aaron. I look across at her, she looks so settled with him, but it's way past her bed-time, "You want me to take her to bed or do you want to do it?"

"You do it?" I get up and lift her out of his arms, but I grab hold of his hand and pull him up to come inside with us; he's not getting off the hook that easy. She hardly stirs as I put her into her jamas and then into bed where I sit next to her and kiss her good night. Aaron comes over to me and leans against me, he's watching Milly all the time. I pull him down to sit on my knee and wrap my arms around him.

We sit a little while watching her sleep when I realise Aaron is crying and I pull him down onto the bed; we lie at the side of Milly and I cradle him, quietly crying in my arms. We stay like that until he's let all the emotion out and then we move into our own room and go to bed.

TBC


	31. The Birthday Boy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron properly meets Roberts friends on his birthday and has a conversation with the Colonel.

Aaron - Wednesday 22nd April 2015, Tenby

Robert wakes up and snuggles up-to me, "You didn't tell me it was your birthday, I haven't got you anything."

He rolls me over and lies on top of me, kissing my neck. He's holding my arms by the wrist either side of my head. "I have you back in my life, I don't need anything else." He kisses me on the other side of my neck, which is now turning me on, "but if you want to give me a present today, well I think I have something in mind that would be rather nice."

I roll him over so I am now on top of him, this time it's me holding his wrists down either side of his head, "Oh yes?" I'm gently rubbing my body against him, "And just what did you have in mind?"

He pulls his arms away from my hands and puts them to my head, pushing me down his body until my mouth is by his dick. I keep rubbing him with my face and nose, my tongue licking through his jama bottoms until he is fully hard. I can hear him moaning, his body is pushing up wanting more; but then I sit up and get up out of bed, grinning, "You'll be wanting your usual coffee then?" I go and put my t-shirt on and he is gawping at me speechless as I head to the door, "I did tell you I would make you regret stealing a man's paper of a morning." On that note I leave him lying there resting up on his elbows, rock hard and I laugh to myself as I go down to the kitchen. I will make it up to him later on tonight, but it is fun to watch him suffer in the mean-time.

He comes down a little while later into the kitchen where Milly and me are making some more toast. He scowls and I grin at him filling the kettle. I couldn't resist, "You want a hand with that or can you manage on your own?" He knew exactly what I meant and scowls at me even more whilst Milly is hugging him, wishing him a happy birthday. This prevents him from venting any of his frustration at me and I'm still amused as I go back outside with my toast.

.

I'm a combination of scared and fascinated to meet his friends. I'm not sure what they know or think about me. I've heard a lot about Grandpa James but only met him the once in the hospital that time back in October.

Everything is surprisingly easy when they all arrive, it's interesting watching Robert with them. He is so relaxed and they're clearly a close knit group; not just the guys, but all the families as well. The kids are all playing on the beach, Milly running round like a mini whirlwind same as always.

Robert doesn't have anything close to this in Emmerdale and I wonder if it would make sense to move away somewhere else for good if we stay together. Strangely enough, although there would be a lot of good reasons to leave, I have a feeling he wants to stay in Emmerdale. I suppose we'll cross that bridge if we ever get to it.

.

I find myself stood a while with Caroline and James, the Colonel, I don't really know what to call him and in the end I decide to stick with James. Caroline wanders off with Joanna inside and I find myself alone with him and curious. "You've known Robert a long time, haven't you?"

He nods. We're alone up on the decking whilst Robert and most of the others are all on the beach playing footie. "More or less since he left Emmerdale. Our paths kept crossing until he came permanently to Hereford a few years in."

"What was he like?" I feel a bit like I'm speaking out of school, but I want to know more about his life outside Emmerdale.

"Hard work." I laugh as I look down to the beach and watch Robert running around with the others, like he doesn't have a care in the world. "He needed a guiding hand to keep him out of trouble in the beginning. At one point I thought he would end up getting into serious bother, but he didn't; he grew up, settled down and worked hard."

I'm kicking my foot against the floor, fidgeting with my beer bottle. James is easy to talk to, but I feel a bit nervous around him. However my curiosity continues to get the better of me, "I don't really remember him back then, I wasn't always around in the village. Did he ever talk about Emmerdale much?"

"Never to the lads. I suppose I was the father figure he needed and I forced it out of him. I think it took him time to pull himself out of the shadow from his dad, even his brother I suppose; but when he did, he came into his own. Robert became a very good soldier, a good leader; his team would have died for him." James looks across to me, "They would still do anything for him if he asked."

.

"What about Amanda?" As James studies me, I suddenly feel as though I might have pushed too far, "Sorry you don't have to answer. You must think I'm being nosy, but I don't know anyone or anything much about his life away from Emmerdale."

"It's okay. I gather things are still not too easy in the village for him." He pauses, but he continues, "They were good together, she was a nurse. did you know that?"

I shake my head, "No."

"That's how they met. He went to visit a friend in hospital and he charmed the nurses; he does always seem to have a way with the ladies." I laughed and he realised that sounded odd with him now going out with me, "Sorry, I didn't mean that to sound how it did, I didn't mean....."

I interrupt him, "It's okay, I said the same thing when I first saw him in Emmerdale, when they were all swooning over him." James smiled at me. I've decided I like him, I think he is to Robert what Paddy is to me, the father we never had and needed; we both have dysfunctional families in common. "He told me about her a bit when we first met, he was struggling with Jem....."

I let my words trail off. I don't want to talk about her, I'm not ready for that just yet. James seemed to sense it and didn't push for me to continue.

.

There's quiet between us for a while, but not uncomfortable as we watch Joanna and Caroline clearing up some stuff. He motions with me to walk with him and we stop at the far end of the deck away from where anyone will hear us. He clearly has something he wants to say and he takes a moment as though he isn't quite sure how to start.

"I've known Robert a long time Aaron, he's like a son to me and I probably know him better than most. I'm maybe one of the very few who has seen all the different sides to him. I remember when he told me about you and that he was resigning. I tried to talk him out of it like you wouldn't believe. He would have made it work with the girls and staying in the regiment if he had wanted, but he wouldn't be swayed. He was very certain he wanted to be with you, I had never seen him so happy as when he was talking about you and looking forward to moving back to Emmerdale to be with you." I blush at hearing him say this, "I couldn't imagine anyone having a hold over him like that, especially after only a few days of knowing each other. Then I met you. I know I only saw you a short while, but I know what you did, what you went through and I saw how you were with each other; and then I understood why he was so sure."

I don't quite know what to say or think to this. It's kind of weird hearing someone who Robert confides in talking to me about him like this. I look at him sadly, "It wasn't enough though. I wasn't enough."

"You were though Aaron, you were enough." James puts his hand on my arm gently catching me a little unawares, "You must never tell him I told you this, but he told me what he did and why you left." I move away from him and he can see I'm tense hearing this. I'm hurt that Robert told someone, even though that person is James, and didn't tell me. "Don't be angry with him, it was immediately after you left. He was beside himself, I have never seen him like that before, not ever."

I look James in the eyes, "I won't ever forget when he pulled the trigger."

"Aaron, Robert only lets people see what he wants them to see, especially when he's under stress. He compartmentalises until he works things out and finds a solution. This is the Robert people see, he never shows what's going on inside, he was even like this with Amanda. What happened to you and Jem hurt him more than he will ever admit and he blamed himself completely. Yet he leaned on you and only you, he let you see all of him. He let you see him completely break down inside and I don't think he's ever done that with anyone before."

I look out over the water as I listen to James talk, "The problem was, the combination of not being able to find Jem, I suppose his grief, and his guilt; it consumed him and he needed to let it out. You were the only one he let in, so you took the full weight when he lost control."

I look back at James, "It scares me, what he's capable of. I don't know James, it doesn't feel like he lost control, he seemed very much in control. That's what was so frightening; the look in his eyes, it's like he wasn't Robert anymore."

"It's hard to explain Aaron. He lost control of who he was and projected that onto you. Robert was on the very edge and what he did was hurt himself through you. You were the only one in the position emotionally for him to do what he did; no-one else would have ever got close enough to him, not even me."

"So what, when he pulled that trigger, he didn't see me, but himself?"

"Exactly. After you left, realising what he had done was so shocking to his system, it was like hitting his re-set button, it put him back in balance. So you were enough. If you hadn't been there to absorb it, he would have held it in and it would have been so much worse in the long run. I dread to think what he would have done eventually, but he hurt you so badly in the process that he lost you; the one person he loved and needed more than anything."

I hadn't thought about what Robert had done like this, it doesn't change anything though, he did what he did and we both have to live with it. "I want to love him again....., I do love him; I never stopped I suppose; but it's going to take time for me to let go of what he did and to trust him again. He knows that."

James is looking down at Robert on the beach before turning back to me, "The circumstances of how you met and everything since has meant you've never had the chance to just enjoy being together. You know Aaron, he's just as scared to be with you as you are to be with him. You have all of him, do you see? Until you, he never gave himself fully to anyone, not me, not Amanda, not Milly even; so he's not used it and sometimes struggles with it. You will find your way, both of you, it will happen naturally if you give yourselves time."

I've made my decision, so time will tell I suppose and I think I understand. It's beginning to get dark out and we see them beginning to come back up towards the house, I look at James and smile a little, "I won't tell him what you've told me, I promise." Paddy should meet James, I think they would get on.

.

As the others and Robert come up the steps, we move back to the main part of the deck. Robert bee-lines for me, "Hmmmh, I'm not sure it was wise to leave you both alone up here. Should I be worried?"

I grin at him, "Definitely."

Robert looks at me, a little unsure if I'm serious, but relaxes as my grin widens, "Now I know what time I have to beat, so I do believe Sugden, it will be you running butt naked to make Edna's day. On that Sunday, she'll need more than a tipple to get over it." James told me how good he really is and I know I will never come close, but I'm not going to let him see I know that.

"Ah yeah, I don't think so, but I'm happy to let you try." He shouts after me as I walk away from him smirking on my way into the house to get another beer. I'm going to need to consider another strategy to wipe the smile off his face. Give me time and I'll think of something.

.

When I walk back out, some them with the younger kids are leaving and it settles down to a much smaller group sat around the fire. There wasn't a free seat, so I was going to lean against the railings, but Robert catches my hand as I pass him and he pulls me down to sit with him. I lean back against him, sitting in-between his legs. I don't think I would feel easy about doing this back in Emmerdale. I don't usually do the whole affection in public thing, but since we've been here this week I have. He is so at ease with himself and especially here with his closest friends, that I find myself just doing it. Going home is going to be hard after this week; being in Emmerdale seems to change everything somehow.

I think he still sees them as his team, even though they're not, it's kind of how it feels. They are really very funny and I find out over the course of the night a few things I am sure he would rather I hadn't. He is easily embarrassed on the strangest of things.

.

After everyone's gone, we clear up and head to bed and as we walk into the bedroom, he wraps his arms around me, practically lifting me onto the bed. He kisses my neck, his fingers sliding up through my hair either side of my head. He props himself up on his elbow as I go clean my teeth, "So are you going to tell me what you were really talking about with the Colonel?"

"Allsorts....., Milly." Coming back out of the bathroom, I start to get undressed and into bed. "He told me about how you met Amanda and that you like to chase nurses. Apparently you had a reputation with the ladies. Surprise surprise."

"Yeah, I know....., and now look at me. Having it away with the scruffy village mechanic and a Dingle no less."

"Oi, watch it you. I was going to be nice and make it up to you after this morning, but if you're going to be like that, then I think I'll just go to sleep. Anyway I'm a Livesy, only half Dingle." I smile to myself as I turn my bedside light off and roll onto my side with my back to him.

I hear him undress, he gets in beside me and switches his bedside light off. I'm patient and it doesn't take him long before he slides up behind me, wrapping his arms and legs around me, saying, "I think I'm going to have to make you pay for this morning." He starts to play and is teasing my neck with his breath and his mouth, "Now, no screaming, I wouldn't want to you to scare the girls."

I'm chuckling away at him as his hand reaches down my front and then starts rubbing my shaft. I roll him over and push the duvet off us onto the floor and I move down to his dick. "Well you're just going to have to find a way to keep me quiet." I look up his body, we're both grinning as our eyes meet, "I'm sure you can think of something." I tease around his head, but he doesn't let me tease long as he thrusts up into my mouth and I start to go down on him. He is moaning very loudly already when I start to take him all the way down. Let's just say we don't get a lot of sleep and more than once we both have to find a way to keep the noise down. I hope like hell that Joanna's not a light sleeper or we will get some choice comments in the morning that's for sure.

TBC


	32. Side By Side

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron and Robert return to Emmerdale and start their life together.

Robert - Sunday 26th April 2015

We're on our way driving back to Emmerdale, the rest of the week had been good. On Thursday James and Caroline came out to Caldey Island with us, then Milly and Joanna went to stay with them a few days which has given me and Aaron the time alone to enjoy. We were often out and about, but we did also seem to spend an awful lot of time exploring and re-exploring each other. I have to smile, thinking we need to find ourselves a new challenge when we get home, since we've now mastered the art of making love in the bath without spilling a drop of water over the side.

Reality beckons as we get closer to the village. Aaron tells me to take the top road above Butler's farm and we park up. After walking across the neighbour's field, we climb over the wall, now fully re-built.

Aaron looks at me biting his lip nervously, "I finished it, well almost. If Wall Master Sugden approves that is." There was more than a hint of sarcasm in that last bit as I walk along, inspecting the wall. I come across two stones still laying on the floor and there is a clear space for them. I look over at him standing all sheepish, "I had this sentimental idea that as we started it together then we should finish it together."

"Awww, how sweet." I walk over to him smiling, returning the sarcasm. "Not bad Livesy, not bad." I can tell he's pleased, but he should be, he did a good job. I pull him to me and kiss him. I love holding him, the smell and taste of his skin just makes me want him all the time and being outside seems to make him taste even better. "Must be down to having such a quality teacher."

He smiles at me after kissing me back, "Mmmhh, maybe." We won't be here in a hundred years to find out. I watch him pick up one of the stones and is about to put it on the wall, when I suddenly stop him.

"Hold on," and I pull out my pocket knife. We might not be here in a hundred years, but we can still be together for longer if the wall stays the distance. It's well built, it should do a lot longer than that. I scratch my name into the stone and he does the same in his stone and then we place them into the wall, side by side.

Aaron looks at me as he leans back against the wall smiling, "Now who's all sentimental."

His smile is so seductive and I push up against him, pressing my body into his. I rest my hands on his hips whilst kissing his neck, "Yeah well, I have my moments. I love you Aaron Livesy and I don't care if the whole world knows it." I think if it hadn't started to spot heavily with rain, we might have been quite some time, enjoying ourselves against the wall; but as the rain gets heavier, we go back to the car instead.

.

"You want me to take you home?" I look at my phone and see a text from Joanna, "Milly and Joanna got back already. You want to come up for some food first?"

"Could do, or we could pick them up and go to the pub for something; saves anyone having to cook."

I start the car engine and look at him to see if he is serious, "You sure?"

"Yep. I meant what I said. It's our life and no-one else's business."

"Okay boss, you're in charge. You call Joanna and tell her we're on our way to pick them up." This will be interesting and I grin across at him, "Tell her to put the police and hospitals on standby whilst you're at it."

.

Aaron seems surprisingly relaxed as we get out of the car at the pub. In fact he is the most relaxed out of all us except Milly who is oblivious to it all. Joanna looks at me with a wry smile as I clearly look a little concerned about what we are about to do. "Fortune favours the brave. Isn't that what they say?"

I frown as I watch Aaron helping Milly out of the car, "So they say. Remind me though, where does bravery stop and stupidity begin?" She grins at me, but doesn't answer. Milly is clammering for me to pick her up, she doesn't like being left out of the conversation, but I pass her to Aaron. "Here, you take Milly, she can be your first line of defence. You might need it." He laughs at me, but he doesn't object either.

Joanna leads the way, Aaron behind her carrying Milly and I'm bringing up the rear. We go through the door and Aaron grabs hold of my hand as he looks back at me and we brace ourselves, walking into our new village life together.

.

There were a few surprised stares from the regulars as Diane comes over to serve us, "Does this mean what I think it means?"

I nod, "It does. We might need protection though. We pay well and Joanna's already put the emergency services on standby, just in case."

Diane laughs at us, "You'd be better off calling your SAS pet, they come with guns." The thought had crossed my mind, but then I'd never live it down from either Aaron or the team. As yet Chas is nowhere in sight. I have to admit to being a tad disappointed at this, but we didn't have long to wait. I'm getting the second round of drinks from the bar and giving Diane our food order as she comes into the bar.

She glares at me as usual, I could feel her eyes burning into the back of my head as I walk to the table. She didn't say anything, but I know she is watching all the while. We are sat around the far table by the wall with Adam and Andy who were already there when we'd arrived. Aaron is clearly in a defiant mood, we are sat around the side and he is resting his hand on my knee, his fingers moving very slightly, caressing. In general he is being very touchy feely, all in plain view for Chas and everyone else to see, there is no doubting that we are together.

He ignored his mum completely, not looking at her once. I glance over at her every now and again to see her stood quietly fuming and was glad I am sat between them. I don't know how Diane did it, but she must have said something. Chas stayed at the back of the bar or serving other customers; she glowered from afar, but didn't come near.

.

Vic joined us after her shift and Diane came over and talked with us for a while. Everyone seemed okay with the idea we are together again, though I'm sure they will all find time in the coming days to tell me not to screw it up. Vic had already dropped a few comments and both Diane and Vic are nosying with their questions, "So are you staying up at Home Farm then? What about Hong Kong?"

I think Aaron nearly started world war three on purpose, "Robert asked me to go with him." Even Joanna was momentarily shocked until she saw my face.

Diane hesitated, "So you're still moving to Hong Kong then, both of you?" She was looking between me and Aaron.

I quickly cut in before Aaron really did set his mum off, "No, we decided to stay here, same as now. I'll be at Home Farm and Aaron will stay at Vic and Adams if that's still okay with them?" They nodded, they were both looking at Aaron fondly. I know I'm going to have to tread carefully with them for a while; it's not just Aaron that I'm going to be building bridges with. We had talked about Hong Kong, but it was quickly dismissed; Emmerdale is our home, for now at least.

"Good. I'm glad and I hope it all works out." She glances at Chas, I know she wishes we could all just find a way to get on, but Chas is still not budging and now we are back together I suppose that will only make it harder. We are going to have a find a way though. I know Aaron misses her; she can be a pain, but he loves her very much and she loves him. He doesn't say much, but he's hurting that she won't give us a chance.

.

Aaron - Early June 2015

Life has really settled down in the last few weeks with nothing too exciting happening. I keep working between the farm and the scrap yard, Milly is very excited about her birthday party and we are still in the middle of our very own cold war with mum.

There isn't a day go by where I don't see Milly and when Robert is home we hardly spend the nights apart; he either stays over with me or I've stayed at Home Farm. So far date night has consisted of us being at Wiley's with a case of beer. Robert has started calling me a cheap date, but I wanted to convince him to do the renovation. Cheap date or not, we have fun and are spending time just the two of us together, making changes to the plans and talking through new ideas.

He seems to have got over whatever was holding him back before, I even think if I pushed him, he's considering making Wiley's his home and selling Home Farm when it's completed. I daren't even begin to think that far ahead, but a part of me dreams that it might one day also be our home. We've spent so much time there. It's where we go to talk or be alone, either together or on our own; we already have our favourite rooms to make love in.

Robert's having the final plans drawn up to submit for planning permission and he has decided to project manage it himself; we've even talked about doing some of the work ourselves. It will be a full-time job, so Robert's given notice for his work and only has a few more trips to do before he'll be around permanently.

.

Another area of progress has been Paddy. I've been spending quite a bit of time with him since we got back from Tenby. After talking with James about Robert it had reminded me how much Paddy used to be there for me in the past. It took us a few goes to get him over the fact I had just upped and left, then the whole drug thing, but in the end he accepted what I had told him. He did make it clear if I ever took drugs again he would kill me, but we are much closer again, with Rhona too. 

Milly likes playing together with Leo and she loves being in the vets. She is driving Pearl nuts as she is into everything, but then I keep catching them having quiet moments together, no idea what they talk about, but Milly often cuddles up to her. Pearl is such a softie, I think that's honorary grandma number two sorted.

Both Paddy and Rhona find it weird that I am like a second dad to her. Paddy didn't hesitate in telling me he was concerned about the responsibility and me being too attached, but I reminded him I'm not living with Robert; it's not the same as before. I think sometimes they forget I'm not a teenager anymore. We've had dinner together a few times now and I can tell that they are both warming to Robert.

Strangely enough, considering he spent the whole ten years away in the army, Robert's army life is something no-one ever mentions. I don't know if what happened last October scares them off or if people are worried about digging up painful memories. Everyone knew by the time it was over that Robert had been in Special Forces, but when we were at Paddy's for dinner was the first time I'd heard anyone ask him openly about it. Robert had talked about the different places he had lived, even a little about Amanda and where he had been deployed earlier on when he joined. I could see Paddy beginning to look at Robert differently after this. Robert has a calmness and quiet authority about him, people are noticing this more.

This is the thing, everyone remembers and compares him to the womanizing teenager that left ten years ago, but he's changed a lot since then. We might still be working through some trust issues, but that he would cheat on me isn't one of them. I keep saying to Paddy, he needs to meet James, that he probably saved Robert, just like Paddy helped me. In general Robert's around in the village a lot more now and people are beginning to look at him differently I think. They see him with Milly and me; he's trying with Andy a lot more, but they still seem to niggle each other all the time. It's like they don't know how to be any different; they have been doing this for so long they don't even realise it. Moira and me are in agreement, at some point we are just going to bang their heads together.

TBC


	33. Us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A difficult truth is told and Aaron makes his choice clear to his family.

Aaron - Saturday 6th June 2015

I suppose it couldn't last forever, that would be just too easy. It's Milly's birthday next week and it's Sarah's birthday today so being a Saturday, Andy and Robert decided to have a joint party for them at Home Farm today. The weather was good and all the kids from the village were there, in fact it felt like all the village were there one way or another; it had been a good day. The only problem had been that Robert was supposed to be back yesterday, but his flight had been cancelled and he missed the party, though he is due back sometime today.

We had all come to the pub by the time he arrived after driving straight here from the airport. He looked very tired, but was smiling as Milly jumped all over him as soon as he walked through the door. Robert likes to be physically close to me, we always have little looks and touches between us and we miss each other when he's away. We couldn't wait until we got home and had to steal a moment just for us out in the back room. Mum is far from impressed when she walks in on us to put it mildly. Her timing was unfortunate. After a lot of kissing, we are fooling around which we let get a lot heavier than we should have. Robert is stood against the wall with me on my knees and Robert is pushing my face into his crotch. We are fully clothed and his fly is up thankfully, but it's not exactly what you want your mum to walk in on in any circumstances.

For once she lets a comment slip about me being Robert's whore and I have to hold him back as she walks back out of the room. After a little cajoling, he relaxed and we go back into the bar. If it hadn't been mum who had walked in I think we would have found it very funny and laughed it off whilst having to suffer the embarrassment and the inevitable mickey-taking. However mum is on form tonight. She never talks to us directly, but it is clear she was talking about us and there is an increasing awareness of this in the pub.

I can tell Robert wasn't in the mood for her tonight though and we decide to leave. He was beginning to lose patience with her, his tiredness kicking in and we are practically out of the door when Robert stops and tensed up. Robert will let mum say anything against him, he just ignores it and walks away when he's had enough. He finds it harder when it's about me, but he has always managed to walk away so far, but he won't when it comes to Milly.

.

Robert turns and looks at mum, he then goes back in and sits down with Milly on his knee. I stay standing in the doorway, I couldn't work out what he was up-to. I forget how aware Robert always is in a room, he sees and hears things no-one else ever picks up on.

"You want to repeat that Chas?" I hadn't even heard what she had said, I don't think anyone had.

I go to try and get him up so we can leave, but he grips onto my outstretched arm holding me back. His gaze never wavered from my mum as he stopped me. His hold is so strong it's hurting, "Robert, just leave it, it's not worth it."

He looks at me, his face hard, "Are you saying my daughter's life doesn't have worth?"

I look at him, not understanding as Robert looks back to mum, "Tell him what you said Chas."

I look at mum waiting for her to speak, but she doesn't say anything. The pub is deathly quiet, but Robert is calm, too calm; this makes him dangerous. Thankfully he doesn't push mum further, but by the look on her face, he had made his point.

.

I sense a change in Robert and he takes me by surprise when he talks. He doesn't usually like his private life to be on show in public, "I was a stupid teenager when I left Emmerdale, you've done just as bad or worse over the years than I did back then. You couldn't stand me from the day I walked through the door. My wife had just died and I was struggling with two small children, but all you could see was the stupid boy, egged on by Katie's hate. Well I changed Chas, I grew up. I loved my wife and I was faithful all the time we were together. She wasn't but I was. I wasn't looking for anything but getting my life back together and settled with the girls. I never intended falling in love, with Aaron or anyone and that last operation wasn't planned, I'd already resigned. It will haunt me for the rest of my life that Aaron almost died and my daughter was killed because of it."

"Robert, please. Leave it."

He looks at me, "I want to know. She's practically disowned you and I want to know why she hates me....., us so much."

Mum practically spits out her response, "Because you'll hurt him and he will let you."

"What like you did, when you abandoned him, then letting Paddy be his parent whilst you gallivanted around with Carl King. Didn't you have it off with your nieces fella or so I heard, now there's a real murderer. Me, I just put my life on the line for my country."

I watch the exchange between them, it's interesting seeing mum get riled and Robert staying so calm. I had talked to some of the guys from his team in Tenby later on at the bbq and this is the thing they mentioned about him the most, that Robert was always the calm in the storm. I find it so fascinating, because with me it had been so different; but then they had also said, the only time he flipped was when his family was threatened. Meeting them all and talking with James had made me appreciate more that this was the Robert I had mostly seen last year.

.

Mum was on a roll now though, "Being with you will kill him, just like everyone else that gets close to you, they all die in the end. He almost died in that mine after trying to keep your daughter alive and you blamed him for it. You broke him and it drove him to drugs and god knows what. Maybe next time he won't survive it."

"Aaron is that why you left?"

"I'm not staying and listening to this, to either of you." I try to leave, but he still has hold of my arm and I know it will make things worse if I try and force him to let me go. Mum is like me, she speaks from her heart. It doesn't have to be rational, she protects the people she loves whether they want it or not and I get that, but in Robert she has met her match on that front.

He looks at me now, I expected his voice to be hard and cold, like it had been that night back last November, but it isn't. He lets go of my arm and his voice is surprisingly emotional when he speaks, "Answer the question Aaron. Did you leave because I blamed you for Jem's death?"

"No."

"No what? No I didn't blame you or no, it's not the reason you left?"

Our eyes never break now, "You were grieving. Yes you blamed me at the end, but it's not the reason I left."

Robert broke our eye contact and looked back to mum, "Do you want to know why Aaron left Chas? You're right, I did drive him out. I was selfish and lost in my own grief."

I don't want this conversation here, not in front of everyone, not here. "Why are you doing this? I want to be with you. It's nothing to do with anyone, it's in the past. Please Robert, just let it go. This isn't helping."

He looks back to me, "Nothing you've tried so far has got through to her, so maybe the truth will. At least then she'll hate me for the real reason she should. Tell her."

I glare at him now, "No Robert"

His voice hardens, and I can see Robert won't be stopped now, "Tell her why or I will."

Giving in, I turn to Joanna, "Take Milly home please Joanna." I look at Robert, "I'll tell her, but just family. Not here in front of everyone and not with Milly." Robert doesn't hesitate, he gives Milly to Joanna and gets up and goes into the back room. There is a lot of uncomfortable shifting in the pub, even from the family. After such a nice day, no-one had been prepared for this.

I look at Paddy and quietly say to him, "I'll come round later, okay?"

He nods, but he clearly looks very concerned, "You sure, you'll be alright?"

I nod back at him, "Yeah," and I go into the back room.

.

In the end there is Robert, me, mum, Diane, Vic and Adam, Cain and Moira and Andy, all scattered around the room; some sitting, some standing. Robert is against the back wall, his arms by his side. I had been by the cooker, but I move to stand next to him. If we are doing this, we are doing it together.

Robert looks at mum, "You never gave me a chance from the beginning. Aaron should hate me Chas, he should run a mile and never look back. He won't forgive me for what I did and he shouldn't but he's given me a second chance. I love your son very much. I won't ever let him down again and I know if I do, there are no more chances, I will lose him for good."

He looks at me, he's tired but there's something else, a sadness in his eyes, "I'm sorry Aaron, I didn't mean for this, but maybe it's better they know; then they can protect you and I don't want you to end up with your mum like I did with dad. Life's too short." Robert looks away from me, staring down at his feet.

I don't know how to feel at the moment, but I know this is going to happen whether I like it or not. Who knows, maybe he is right; this will force it one way or the other, that's for sure. Either it will put us in a place to try and be a family again or mum will cut us out for a very long time to come. I can feel the family watching us as I hold Robert's hand and put my hand on his cheek turning his face to look at me, "I don't need protecting. Not from you," I can't work out what's going through his head, "and this is different. We're not kids and we're not hiding or running away from our problems." I mean this when I say it, we're very close to each other now. I'm not afraid of what's inside Robert, I'm more scared of what's inside me.

I let out a deep sigh as turn to look around the room, I'm not really sure where to start. The room is unnaturally quiet and there is a clear tension; a lot of the family have got to know Robert better in the last few weeks and it's obvious to them that we're happy together. This will change everything.

.

"It was getting harder in November, we had a couple of big fights," I corrected myself, "arguments....., and errrh....., I'd thought about leaving, but I couldn't." I look at mum, "I didn't want to. Robert was permanently looking for ......" I can't say her name, it still hurts too much when I think about her. I look at Robert as he squeezes my hand and I have to stop a minute to keep composed. "It was like nothing else mattered anymore." I hate the fact I'm saying this, but it's the truth, it's how I had felt at the time. Robert and me had talked a lot in the last few weeks, not just that one day in Tenby, but on and off since and he knows how I felt, how I still feel about that night.

"The night I left, I got angry. I wanted to try and make him see that he still had a family; me, Milly, you guys." I look at Robert again, he's quiet and calm, but in a good way as I lean against him. "We argued really badly and .....," I glance at him again, "and he said I should have fought harder, that he couldn't trust me with Milly." Robert squeezes my hand and looks at me, his eyes are glistening and I can see the tears forming.

"I accused him of wishing they had killed me and I went and got his gun." A part of me wants to move away from Robert and the other part wants to sink into him, this is hard. I look at mum in her eyes now, "I put it in his hand and up-to my chin and told him to finish what they had started." I have to stop and take a deep breath, I move to stand in front of Robert and I pull his arms around me and he rests his head against mine. I don't know if I'm doing this to protect him or give me courage to finish. I close my eyes and take another deep breath; and when I open my eyes, I tell them, "He pulled the trigger."

.

No-one said anything, there were a few gasps, but no-one spoke until Robert spoke, "Tell her what else I did."

I look round and up at him, but he nods his head, he wants them to know. He's holding onto me very tightly and I know he's scared. Mum is looking at me in horror, Cain is harder to read, I can't tell yet what's he's thinking. The others have a mixed look of shock and disbelief.

"He told me he didn't love me. He told me to leave and never come back."

Robert whispers to me now, "Everything, tell them everything."

Mum finds her voice finally after hearing what Robert is saying, "What else could you have done, other than actually kill him?" She wasn't crying, but she was close.

I grab tighter hold of Robert, but he surprises me, its Robert who speaks next, "I don't know if I knew if it was loaded or not. I just don't know." I can hear his voice break and I don't need to look at him to know he is crying, "So now you know Chas....., now you know the truth."

.

Mum tries to come at us, but Cain stops her and holds her back. "I don't understand how you can bear to be with him, how can you love him?"

I don't need to think about this, my reasons are very clear for me. "There's nothing in Robert that I haven't seen, I know exactly who he is. I won't forgive him for what he did that night, but it's not that simple. It's not just about us, it was always a lot more complicated; Amanda, the army, Emmerdale, everything. I know what they were planning to do, they told me. Robert saved thousands of lives by what he did, and I mean thousands. He would do the same again, even knowing they intended to kill us, he would still go."

"It's never been just about me, It's about the lives he saved, people who don't even know we exist, who never knew they were ever in danger." I feel myself getting emotional now, but I somehow hold it back, "They got to live their lives same as always and for a while we lost everything; but I never stopped loving Robert and the same for him. We belong together mum. That's the simple bit......, we belong together."

She doesn't say anything, but stares at me horrified, I suppose unsurprisingly still stuck on what I had told her before, "You're forcing me to choose mum. I don't want to have to choose. We are still working it out, but I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I don't want to lose you, I love you, but I've made my decision and it's not open for discussion. So it's up to you now," I look around at all of them, "I suppose it's up to all of you, but I've made my choice."

I turn and look at Robert, "I want to go now, take me home please." No-one stops us as we leave and no-one speaks.

We walk in silence to Keepers Cottage, we stand outside the door, Robert strokes my cheek as we lean against the door, "Hey, you want to be alone, or will you go to Paddy's?"

I feel drained, as tired as Robert looks, but I don't want him to go, "No. I want to go to bed with you, if that's okay with you?" He nods, I stop him before we go in, "I've said this to everyone I think, apart from you; so I want you to hear it from me. I love you Robert. I love you."

He kisses my forehead as I get out the key and we go upstairs. I text Paddy to tell him I'll go round tomorrow instead and Robert texts Joanna. Despite our tiredness, we stay awake a long time in each other's arms; we don't have sex, we just talk. I tell him about the girl's party earlier and we talk about everyday stuff that we have coming up. We talk about us.

TBC


	34. Jem

Aaron - June 2015

It had taken a while for things to get back to normal again. The village was buzzing for a few days after with people wanting to know what I'd said, but they soon moved onto other things. No-one inside that room will ever repeat what I'd told them to anyone else.

Robert and me just carried on the same as we had been. Things were a bit weird at home with Vic and Adam. Vic really struggled at first, saying she didn't want Robert in the house; I told her fine and that I would move out. She backed down eventually and is slowly getting back to her normal self around him again. We decided not tell Joanna, but I told Paddy and I said he could tell Rhona, but I don't think he did. 

Nothing changed with mum, except it feels different; less like a war and more like we are in no-mans land. I don't know if it will ever change.

Cain was the one that surprised me the most. We were alone in the kitchen at Butlers a couple of days afterwards and he asked me if I was sure. He accepted it when I said yes and that was it. I think he understood Robert better than anyone else in the end, just how desperate he had been. He did also suggest that maybe putting a gun in Robert's hand wasn't the smartest thing I'd ever done, but I think he even understood that.

.

We had drama of another kind when it got to the end of June. This time though, it was Vic and Adam who were the centre of attention. They had been arguing and she had accidently knocked down Ashley with her mini, whilst not being insured. We had a real palaver when Adam scrapped her car and they both did a runner and got married.

Robert was not impressed. However, they made it to court and Ashley spoke up for Vic so she got off lightly in the end. I just had to keep reminding Robert that they had managed to get over our crap so we should do the same with them. Vic will always be his little sister though and I think he did give Adam a talking to, but even that's calmed down now.

.

Aaron - July 2015

We're at home, just lounging around out back in the sunshine. Adam is out and Andy had come round with the kids, who are playing with Milly and Vic in the garden. We were surprised to see James at the bottom of the garden fence after hearing Milly whoop away, announcing his arrival. She was all over him immediately, going into her usual over-drive having not seen him for a while; but he wasn't alone and I could see Robert tense up. I vaguely recognise the other guy, but I can't think where from.

James nods hello, "Robert, Aaron. Joanna said you were here." He put a still excited Milly back down on the grass. He has a grim look on his face, "Is there somewhere we can talk?"

I look at Andy and I get up and grab hold of Milly to stop her pestering, "We'll take the kids round to yours?" He nods and starts to round up Sarah and Jack, but James catches my arm with his hand. "Aaron you need to stay, please." Andy and Vic look at each other, then quickly gather the kids and head off to Andy's house. It's clear to us all that it's something serious.

.

We go inside to the kitchen. Robert offers them a drink, but they say no. He pours himself a glass of water and then leans against the kitchen sink whilst the rest of us sit at the table. James introduces the man with him, and it falls into place that I had seen him at the hospital, some guy from Counter Terrorism.

It's still for an instant, until Robert breaks the silence, "You've found her haven't you?"

James nods, "Yes."

I feel as though I can't breathe sat at the table and I have to get up. I go stand next to Robert, but facing the kitchen window; I can't look at anyone, not even Robert. He puts his hand in mine as we wait for James to continue.

"We can't tell you where or how she was recovered. Robert, I know you will find out if you really want to, but it won't bring her back, it won't change anything." I rest my head against Robert's shoulder as I listen to them talk.

Robert's breathing is quick and short, I know he's struggling, "Do you know......," He has to stop and take a deep breath, "Do you know how she died?"

James voice sounds heavy and sad, "An autopsy has already been carried out this morning. It found she died of natural causes, she had pneumonia. They probably didn't have the drugs she needed to treat it. She'll be flown home tomorrow, we're bringing her into Brize Norton." He paused a minute, I don't know if that was for our benefit or his. I know he thought of Jem as his family too, "Robert we've already arranged with a funeral directors, I assume you want to bring her home to Emmerdale." Robert didn't say anything, but I felt him nod. "You, both of you, and anyone else you want can be there for the repatriation, but you know that already."

They continue talking about the arrangements, but I wasn't listening to them anymore; I just want them to go. When they do finally move to leave, I feel James' hand on my shoulder and I glance at him as his gaze moves between me and Robert, "You both know where I am if you need me; anything, anything at all. If you need some space, you can go to the house in Tenby, just let me know okay?"

I nod and Robert goes to the door with them and shows them out. I still hadn't moved when he comes back into the kitchen. He wraps his arms around me and nuzzles his face into my neck. We don't say anything, there's nothing to say.

.

Robert - July 2015

Aaron said he couldn't face the others just yet, so I left him at the cottage whilst I went to tell Andy and Vic. I sent Vic home to be with him and Andy came with me to tell Diane; I told her and Milly together. Milly was quiet. She doesn't really remember Jem too well anymore. She knows that she had a sister and she's with mummy in heaven now. I suppose it's better like this.

I had taken Milly home, made some arrangements and then come to Wiley's. I just need a little time quiet on my own. It's strange, I knew this day would come eventually; just maybe not this quick. Although I had accepted that she was dead months ago, I feel strangely numb, now I know for sure.

After a while, I walk back in the afternoon sun to Keepers Cottage to find Aaron. He's upstairs in his room, lying on his bed. He's quiet as I lie down with him, "You okay?"

He turns so he can see me better and he nods. He's pale but I don't think he's been crying. I don't know how Aaron's going to be in the next few days, but whether he likes it or not, he's finally going to have to face what happened and the fact that she's dead.

.

"Will you come with me?"

He looks at me, not understanding, "Tomorrow, will you come with me to bring her home?"

He hesitates, "I can't. I can't Robert, I'm sorry. I'm not ready....." his voice is crumbling. He holds it together but I know he's hurting badly inside.

I wrap my arms around him and pull him to me, "Please Aaron, I need you. I don't think I can do this on my own."

Aaron's practically whispering into my chest, "I'm sorry." He's shaking his head slightly, "It's too much." I hold him a little while longer, then I pull myself up and sit on the side of the bed. I hold his hand, but he pulls it away from me and curls himself up in a ball on the bed.

"I need to go home Aaron, I need to be with Milly tonight. You want to come?" I look at him and smile, "I have a feeling it will be fish finger sandwiches for tea....., you know how I like them?" At least that gets a half smile, but he shakes his head.

"No, you go. Be with Milly, I just need to sleep and be on my own for a while."

I'm trying to work out if he'll be okay on his own. "I'll see you when I get back tomorrow, okay? I love you." I move my hand to stroke his hair but he pulls away from me and now I know I need to be worried. I get up and go to the door. "Aaron....., Aaron," he finally looks at me, "It'll be okay, I promise. I love you."

When I go downstairs, I tell Vic and Adam to keep an eye on him. I go to see Andy to ask him to come with me tomorrow and then I go see Paddy to tell him what I'm going to do. He might not like it, but I don't think he'll argue with me either.

.

James had sent a car to pick us up early in the morning. The sky's grey when I look up, I then look over to Aaron's window as I wait for Andy to come out. The curtains are open but I don't see any movement as we get into the car and set off to head down south. We're both quiet on the way down, lost in our own thoughts. It's not uncomfortable, it's just quiet. We'd had a bit of difficulty again at the beginning of June when Aaron had told everyone what I'd done, but ultimately we've been okay. We've always had a complicated relationship, but we will always be there for each other when it comes down to it.

It's eerily strange as we go through security at the gates, it feels odd having Andy here with me. I can see him looking around, like it's a foreign country, "Still can't imagine you as a soldier."

I smile at him and laugh a little, "Me neither sometimes. I wonder what dad would have said?"

We get out of the car and go into the reception area, "He would have been proud."

I look at Andy, "You think so?"

He nods at me as we stare out of the window onto the runway, reverting to the safety of silence as we wait for the plane. James arrives and comes over to us and I introduce Andy to him properly.

James hugs me, "How's Aaron?"

"Truthfully?" He nods. I shake my head, "I don't know. He wouldn't come today, he said he couldn't face it."

"He'll be okay Robert, he's strong. You know that."

I stare out of the window again, "Maybe. This is different though. He was with her all that time and he almost died. He's never talked about his feelings, he won't talk about Jem at all. I know what happened, but I don't know how he feels about it. He's always kept that to himself."

.

Andy distracts me as he points to the huge plane circling in the sky above us, before it makes a final turn to come into land. I stare at it, suddenly not wanting to move. James rests his hand on my shoulder and we watch together for a moment.

I follow James and Andy outside. I have to stop a minute to collect myself, because I see the whole of my old team and a few others I know standing at attention. I have to take a really deep breath and its only when Andy takes my hand that I can keep going. We walk to stand alongside them, silently watching the plane come down to land. I watch it taxi until it is close by us and the tailgate slowly drops down.

It is suddenly so quiet now the engine is stopped and we're stood waiting for them to bring her out. I didn't want any fuss, vicar or anything, I'm not really religious. For some reason I feel really scared and I hold onto Andy's hand very tight. "I wish Aaron was here Andy, I wish he was here." I can feel the tears building and I can't control it, no matter how hard I try, I can't hold them back. A guard of soldiers appear and walk down the tailgate of the plane. I daren't let Andy go as I watch a solider I know, a friend, in the middle of them, carrying her tiny coffin. I thought I had cried all my tears earlier in the year, but they keep coming and I break down crying uncontrollably when I see it.

I need to move, it's killing me just stood here sobbing and I walk over to meet them half way. Andy is by my side until we stop in front of them and I let go of his hand. I wipe my tears away so I can see properly. I try to somehow compose myself, taking several deep breaths as my friend stands in front of me holding my daughter. I nod at him to convey my thanks and I rest my hand, trembling on top of the coffin for a moment. I'm still crying, but not as much, as I take her from him. 

The coffin is so small and light as I carry her the rest of the way to the hearse and place her in the back. Andy pulls me to him and holds me tight as I break down in a mass of tears again. I think I would have fallen at that point if he hadn't been there to hold me up, as we watch the car drive away on its journey up-to Emmerdale. He stays with me, rocking me in his arms until my tears finally stop and we eventually go back to the car to make our own journey home.

As we pull out of the gates, I silently say to myself, 'Well Aaron, our daughter's home. Jem's finally home'.

TBC

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't often cry when I write, but I cried writing this chapter.


	35. Love You Once, Love You Still

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron needs time to come to terms with his grief and Jem's funeral takes place.

Robert - July 2015

Andy and me talk properly on the way back up north, we haven't really talked like this for years. We talk about a lot; dad, Katie, Aaron, family. I feel closer to him today than I have done for a very long time and if Aaron couldn't be there, then I'm glad that it was Andy with me. We're about half way home when his phone rings and he hands it to me, looking concerned, "It's Vic."

Aaron had gone out last night and hasn't come back; no-one's seen him since and his phone is switched off. Andy is surprised how relaxed I am when I say just to give him time, but I don't tell Andy what I've done. Only Paddy knows and that's how I want to keep it. I had been pretty much certain yesterday that Aaron would leave. He was struggling and pulling away already, there was just something when I saw him last and I knew.

What I'm doing might be a bit extreme, especially when I trust him to come back. It's just there's a small part of me worries he will tip over the edge and if he starts to use again, then it won't be Aaron who's in control. I would never forgive myself if he gave into his grief and tried to hurt himself or worse and I can't lose him again; it would destroy me completely. The GPS on his phone is no good to me if it's not on him, so I've had someone watching him since yesterday. I won't ever get reports back unless I specifically ask for one; I don't know where Aaron is and I don't know what he's doing. For as long as I don't hear anything, I know he's alive and that's all I need to know. The only instruction I gave was keep Aaron safe and alive, other than that just use his judgement and don't interfere unless he thinks it's necessary.

Aaron was right that day in the pub, there's nothing in me or about me that he doesn't know, he's seen it all; all the good and all the bad. Over the last few months I've also got to understand a lot more about how Aaron ticks and I know he's been hiding from what happened with Jem. It was always going to surface one way or another and now it has, it will push him to the edge, just like it did with me last year. He doesn't think he's strong enough, but I know he is, I know we are. He just needs time to process everything and then I think he will realise it too.

Paddy would prefer to go try to talk to him now, but I want to give him the time. I promised Paddy, if he doesn't make it to the funeral, then we go find him. The one thing I feel sure of, is that Aaron, like me, needs to say goodbye in person; so as long as he doesn't try to hurt himself in the meantime, then he'll be there.

.

*** One Week Later, July 2015 ***

Robert

Back in Emmerdale, the days have passed and all the final arrangements for Jem's funeral are sorted. I've texted Aaron every day and I left voicemail messages on his phone. I have no idea if he is reading or listening to them, but I tell him I love him and I tell him about my day. If he is reading or listening, then he knows its Jem's funeral today; but as yet he hasn't come home and I miss him, I really miss him. I've stupidly found myself going up to our wall each day. I told him on the phone, that he'd laugh seeing me sat there talking to his stone....., him. It's usually from there that I call him.

The family, Adam and Vic have got really worried. Diane said she doesn't show it, but Chas is beside herself with worry. For now, between me and Paddy, we've convinced them not to report him missing, to just wait and hold off until the funeral.

.

Aaron

They can't see me as I watch them all gathering outside the church. After a while, I see Robert walking down with Vic and Andy. He's holding Milly's hand and Joanna is holding her hand at the other side. He's in a suit, he looks good. I can't resist to smile, he always looks good in a suit.

I didn't think I'd come here today, in fact I didn't actually know for sure that I would still be alive; but Robert has this hold over me. I've listened to his messages over and over and I miss him too; but I don't want to let her go just yet. I had never blocked her out, just what happened; in my head, she's always been with me....., safe.

Steadily they start to go inside the church; family, his old team and some other friends, James and Caroline....., everyone who cares about him. The small church must be bursting, it seems as though most of the village turned up. I see the hearse pull up and I have to catch my breath when it does; I hadn't been prepared for seeing such a tiny coffin. Robert had told me on one of his messages, he didn't want a wreath, there's just a single rose on top. He wanted Amanda to be with her daughter today, so he's chosen a single peace rose; Amanda's favourite. There should also be a little silver plaque on the coffin lid saying, ' _Love you once, love you still, always have and always will'._ Amanda used to say it to Milly at bed-time. Everyone has gone inside now and Robert is on his own with Ashley. He seems calm and doesn't look to be crying as he takes her out of the hearse; but I see him hesitate holding himself together, before carrying her inside the church. I don't how he manages to be so strong.

.

I want to run as far away from here as possible, but I can't. Despite myself, I'm moving closer to the church until I'm now standing half way down Church Lane, the Woolpack behind me. I look back round at the pub a moment; I realise the only person I hadn't seen at the church was mum. I wonder if she's given Robert a hard time for me leaving again. He didn't mention anything, but then he wouldn't have. I put my hand in my pocket to check they're still there. I've had them with me practically all the time since October, even during the darkest days she was with me. I can't believe Robert never found them, especially that first couple of weeks when I was at Home Farm; he would have said something though I'm sure if he had.

It draws my attention back to the church again as I hear them start to sing the first hymn. Soon after, I'm not even aware now, I'm on my knees, bending over, my arms hugging myself, weeping; the grief and the pain is just everywhere. I don't want to let it in and I don't want to let it go; I just want it to go away like it did before, but I can't make it. If I go into the church, then I'm admitting that she's gone and I'm frightened to let go of her, that she'll just fade away until I can't remember her anymore. I want to scream, but I don't, because then they would hear.

I hadn't heard the footsteps come up behind me, I'm too lost in myself to notice. Mum wraps her arms around me and I weep inconsolably as she rocks me in her arms, the pain of the sadness and loss is finally overwhelming me and there's nothing I can do about it. She's shushing me and telling me it will be okay. I rest my head on her shoulder and as she holds me I can feel a kind of relief, I'd held it all in so tight until today. Eventually she pulls me up and I let her take control. She brushes my tears away with her hand; it doesn't stop them completely, but her touch is helping me calm down. Mum starts to walk me towards the church, but I resist and hesitate. She gently nudges me forward again though, one arm around my shoulders and she's holding my hand, "Come on, let's go say goodbye." I nod at her. I'm anxious, but we continue towards the church.

We stop outside the church door. I can vaguely hear Ashley through the door and I take a minute to compose myself. The tears have stopped for now and I wipe my face. I take a deep breath and nod to mum that I'm ready, whispering, "Okay". She smiles at me and strokes my cheek with her hand, then holding my hand tight she opens the church door and we walk in.

.

Robert

I turn round, pretty much as does the whole church after hearing the door open and I see Aaron. I can tell he's been crying. Chas is with him, but that doesn't matter, he's here is what matters. Milly tries to go towards him, but I stop her and pass her to Joanna, who holds onto her for me.

I see Chas gently push Aaron forward and he walks towards the front of the church, his eyes transfixed on the coffin. Ashley has stopped talking, I suppose it didn't feel right as Aaron walks towards the front of the church. I stand up, but I don't move from where I am; I watch him and let him take his time.

When he gets to the front, he continues staring at the coffin until he looks at me, "She was good....., she hardly cried the whole time." He smiles at me, "You remember how she used to scream the first few days you were here?" I nod at him and smile back at him as I remember that's what brought us together. I see him pull something out of his pocket and I realise they are Jem's gloves. He stares at them, "They kept falling off. They were too big and wouldn't stay on, so I put them in my pocket." He looks back towards the coffin a minute before looking back at me, "It was so cold." He paused an instant, his eyes closing as he tries to keep his breathing and the emotion under control, "She slept inside my jacket so I could try and keep her warm. I held her like that all night, you know with that little blanket she had, wrapped over." I nod at him again as he turns and looks back at the coffin in front of him. He closes his eyes a moment, I know he's remembering. I see the hurt in his eyes when he opens them again, looking back at me, "I tried to stop them Robert," he's shaking his head, "I tried and I couldn't. I'm so sorry......,"

I go to him quickly as I see a tear fall down his cheek and I hold him. I put my hand up to the back of his head, my fingers wrapped up through his hair, holding him close and I whisper in his ear, "I know. I know Aaron. We'll never forget her I promise, not ever; but we have to let her go. You know that right? It's time to let her go." I kiss his head.

Aaron looks at me and then pulls away from me, and gently places her little gloves on top of the coffin. I can see his upper body heave. I take hold of his hand and pull him over to where I had been standing before and he sits in Milly's chair as Joanna pulls Milly onto her knee. Ashley takes this as the cue to continue the service; I never let go of Aaron's hand for the rest of the time we are in the church. With just close family and friends, it is Aaron who carries her to the graveyard, where she is finally laid to rest. He leans against me, my arm round him as we watch her being lowered into the ground.

.

Walking up to the pub, Aaron says to me, "Can we go up to Emmerdale Farm later?"

I look at him a little surprised, "If you want. Are you sure you want to?"

He nods at me, "Yeah. One last time."

"Okay." We're holding hands as we get near the pub, "So....., your mum....., do I still need military protection?"

He laughs at me, "I have no idea. We'll work it out. I think you're okay for today at least."

.

We drive up-to Emmerdale Farm in the afternoon once most people have gone. As we get out the car, Aaron asks, "Do you think they knew this was where you grew up?"

I shrug, "Don't know, maybe. Or maybe it was just coincidence. It's well out of the way and no-one ever comes up here."

We walk around a bit, into the old house, up the stairs where they had videoed that day. Aaron talks about it as we go, every now and again going quiet as he remembers things. Afterwards we are sat on the steps, it's a strange feeling being here for both us, "You want to go down the mine as well?"

He shakes his head, "No, no, I don't want to go there." I wait for him to tell me when he's ready to leave, "You should change the name of Wiley's, you should call it Emmerdale Farm. It's closer than this place is to the village and it's the name of your family's farm; should be no reason why you couldn't."

I look around me, there are so many memories here, good and bad, "I'll think about it. Maybe see what Andy thinks." I look across the fields, I can picture dad here with uncle Joe and everyone. It's all such a long time ago now.

"I have something to tell you." I wasn't sure whether to tell him or not, but I want him to know. "The people who took you....., they're dead; all of them and their paymaster." I get up and walk down the steps, staring out into the distance. Aaron stays sat on the steps.

"Did you do it?"

I shake my head, "No." I look back at him, "I gave my blessing though."

"Good."

It's starting to get dark out, "Come on. Let's go home. Yours or mine?"

"Yours. I want to see Milly."

TBC


	36. Trust

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron explores Robert's old scars and they get an unexpected invitation.

Robert - July 2015

We go back to Home Farm and spend the evening playing games with Milly and Joanna. It's relaxing, just the four of us. Aaron's quiet, but he seems okay. It's been a long day one way or another and we're both tired so we go have a bath together to unwind. I can see Aaron considering the logistics of making love in here. It's quite a bit smaller than the bath in Tenby, so we decide to save that one for another day and go to bed.

I'm lying on my back in bed, leaning half across him and he's caressing my neck gently with his fingers. I'm fiddling with the alarm clock, which has been playing up when Aaron speaks, "I nearly gave in."

I carry on fiddling with the clock, "With what?"

"Everything."

I force myself to stay calm, "But you didn't."

His voice is very quiet, "I bought some wraps....., heroin." I don't say anything as he continues, "I had everything I needed. I even got as far as shooting up."

At this I rest the clock down on the bed. I turn over onto my front and rest my chin on his front, looking up into his eyes, clearly concerned. I'm freaking out inside, because I hadn't been able to tell that he'd used again.

He adds quickly realising my reaction, "Sorry, I didn't mean that I did. I almost did, but I didn't actually do it."

I'm trying to picture him in my mind and I find it hard, even after everything, to imagine him even thinking about doing that, "What stopped you?"

He smirks at me, "Couldn't have you spending the rest of your life talking to a wall now could I?"

I let out a laugh, the relief still working through me, "So you listened to my messages then?"

"It was relaxing listening to you talk. It helped." He runs his hand through my hair, "I'm sorry I didn't come with you, you know earlier in the week?"

I sigh, "It's okay. Andy came with me. Believe me, I cried for the both of us."

.

We'd been quiet for a while when I move to sit on top of him. Straddling his stomach I sit back, resting on my heels. I like to just look at him sometimes, his hands are resting around my waist. I take my t-shirt off and he sits up and kisses my chest. His hands are now wandering down my front, over my sides and my arms. His fingers stop at an old scar on my shoulder, "So what's this one?"

It's an old wound from a long time ago, "Bullet. Went straight through."

"Where from?"

"Hhmmh, that's classified."

His fingers move to the next scar, "And this one?"

I grin at him, "Also classified."

His hands to move to the last one, "I suppose this one is classified too?"

I laugh out loud, "Nope." I put my hand over his, "that was a drunken night out where I fell backwards down some stairs. Amazingly I still had my broken pint glass in my hand as I landed on the bottom step. I have to say I was quite proud of the fact that it still had some beer in the bottom and I still had hold. Some of the glass had caught in me on the way down though."

Aaron's eyes are sparkling, amused, "Idiot."

I shift myself so I'm sitting lower down his body and start to move against him. I have a stupid grin on my face, "It's been said, but I do make up for it in other ways." Aaron still has his hands around my waist and begins to control the speed of my movement. I feel him start to get hard, his eyes now teasing as he looks at me. We may be tired and it's been an emotional day, but when our bodies and desire take over, everything else soon vanishes.

"Oh yeah?" One of his hands reaches inside my jama bottoms and he starts to stroke me, "How's that then?"

We stopped using condoms a few weeks ago and just make sure we get tested regularly, so I don't need to stop what we're doing. I move off him enough to pull his dick out, then after using some of my spit for a little lubrication, I sit back down and slowly ease onto him. I close my eyes, he feels so good. I start to ride him and he's pushing up inside me, slow and deep; I love it. Quick and hard is good, but when it's like this, it's like we're part of each other; we're a lot quieter, but more connected.

After a while he turns me over and I'm kneeling, leaning over, my hands holding onto the bed head as he drives into me. Aaron's hands are running up and down my neck and back, sometimes holding onto my waist. I pull on my dick, but have to keep stopping to avoid coming. I push back into him, making sure he fills me completely. I moaning, part pain and part pleasure, from how deep and tight inside me he is and when I'm ready to come, I raise my body so I'm upright, leaning back into him. His hand runs up through my hair and he grabs onto it with his fingers, holding my head back and his other arm is wrapped around my front as he takes over. He strokes my dick until he pushes me over the edge and I lose it completely practically begging him, "Oh god Aaron, oh god, don't stop, harder." He's fucking up inside me and I can hardly breathe as my body jerks and twitches against him when I come. I cry out with ecstasy, repeating more than once, "Fuck! Fuck me....., you feel so good." I wrap my arm back around his neck whilst he's kissing and biting my neck, pushing up so deep.

The sex between us has always been amazing and I can't ever get enough of him once we start. That's another thing I love, we never did settle into either one of us being a top or a bottom. We both enjoy the feeling of being inside each other, it just happens as it happens.

Aaron pushes my upper body forward, running his hand up my back, "My turn." I'm holding onto the bed stead again, he pulls out of me and finishes himself off with his hand. Tugging hard and fast, he comes quickly and I can feel his warm come on my hole as he pushes himself back inside me, making me cry out again. His hands are caressing once more all over my body, I don't want him to stop. When he's finished, he pulls out and we lie back down on the bed to recover. As Aaron lies in my arms, he says, "I suppose you do have your moments."

I nuzzle into his neck, smiling at him and we fall asleep holding each other, contented. I know we're going to be okay, I know we're going to be together for a very long time. There's even light at the end of the tunnel with Chas and if we can get over that hurdle, we can do anything.

.

Aaron - End July 2015

I'm just about to leave the scrap yard to go up-to the farm when Robert pulls in, tyres screeching; definitely a lot faster than normal. I lean over into his window, which is rolled down.

"Well hello, fancy seeing you here speedy gonzales," Robert smiles at me, but there's something going on. He's edgy, not his usual self at all.

"Get in." I stare at him a minute. Usually I would have a come on as a retort to this, but although his voice sounded pretty normal, something tells me now is not a good time. I walk round and get in next to him. Adam's off collecting some stuff and no-one else is around. Sat in the car it's quiet, really quiet.

"What's up?" I look at him a little confused, something's clearly unnerved him. He still doesn't say anything and I'm slowly beginning to feel uneasy, "Robert, what's wrong?"

"Nothing, nothing's wrong." He takes a deep breath and turns sideways to face me, "I got an unexpected message."

I'm intrigued, "Okay. What kind of message?" He's definitely acting weird; can't make out though, if its good weird or bad weird. At the minute, he's just acting weird, "Should I be worried?" He's fiddling with one of the air vents. "Robert, whatever it is, just tell me, cos you're beginning to freak me out."

"Yeah, well....., even I'm a little freaked out. It wasn't exactly a text message I got, so join the club on the whole freaked out part." I look at him bemused as he takes a deep breath, "Okay. I have no idea what you're going to think of this. You remember last October?" I don't say anything, because this was a stupid question, but I can tell Robert's nervous and I wait for him to finish. "Well....., shit..... It's hard to tell you what I need to tell you and not betray my oath to my country." Now I am confused, I can see him still trying to work out what to say. "My last operation, it was to meet a contact. It was his intel that was so important. He'd only give it to me; we'd helped each other out once before, a long time ago and he'd saved my life. The not so official part from back then, is I had let him go when I shouldn't have."

I'm still looking at him confused, not seeing where this is going, "Okay, most of this I kind of know already."

Robert is fidgety, which isn't like him at all, "I can't tell you who he is Aaron, but he wants to meet."

I take a moment to absorb what he's saying, "Why? Is that not dangerous....., for both of you?"

Robert is looking into my eyes now, "There are ways and means, but Aaron....., it's not just me he wants to meet. He wants to meet with both of us."

I twist round and sit back so I'm leaning against the door behind me. I don't know what to say to this except the obvious, "Why?"

Robert shakes his head, "I don't know. I was just told he wants to meet and Aaron we don't have long to decide. I was given very specific instructions on getting to where we need to be safely. It's not exactly like catching the number 45 bus into Hotten."

"No shit Sherlock." I'm still reeling from what he's telling me, because none of this makes sense. "Anyway it's not the number 45 bus."

Robert is agitated, "Aaron, be serious."

I'm biting my lip nervously, "I am being serious. I mean....., is this guy one of the good guys? Why would he want to see me?"

"I don't know Aaron. He's given a specific way to do this and to get to where we need to be on time you have like," he looks at his watch, "ten minutes to decide."

.

So many things are racing through my mind, I don't know what to think. I look out of the front windscreen and then back to Robert, "What if it's a trap and not him at all? What if it's the other lot wanting revenge?"

Robert shifts closer towards me, leaning his head to the side against the driver's headrest, "No, it's him. That I know for sure."

"Okay, but why both of us, why not just you?"

Robert sounds exasperated, "I don't know, but he wants to see both of us or not at all."

"Do you trust him?"

"Yes."

"Okay, so if I say yes, what does that mean?"

Robert leans towards me and takes hold of my hands, "Well that's the bit you won't like."

I scoff at him, "Robert, I'm not really liking any of this."

His grip on my hands tightens, "You can't know how we get there, who takes us, where we are going or anything."

I stare at him, startled by this and my voice is not so calm now, "So what? You going to blindfold me or stick a sack over my head. I don't think so."

He looks at me uneasily, "Aaron, the instructions are very exact, it's how he works. I have to give you this." I see him with a syringe in his hands. "It's just going to put you to sleep for the time it takes to make the journey there and the same on the way back."

I'm almost angry if it wasn't for the fact that he's scaring the crap out of me, "You've got to be fucking kidding me." I'm quiet for a minute and I can't look at him. I can't quite believe he's asking me to do this and decide like this. "What about you? Do you know the people taking us and where we're going?"

"I know the people taking us, how we get there but the last bit of where I won't know either; maybe an idea, but not exactly where. It's better you don't know." He pulls me much closer to him, our heads almost touching with his hands resting on my neck, "Aaron....., we don't have to do this. We don't have to go."

I know that it will eat away at us, both of us, not knowing what he wanted. I whisper back to him, "Yes we do. This guy, he wouldn't do this unless it was something important. He disappeared after helping you for good reason and I don't think he would risk all that unless he had to, right?"

Robert shakes his head, "No. No he wouldn't. I know I have no right to ask you to do this, but I want us to go and meet him. Aaron I trust him. I'm asking you to trust me."

.

I let out a deep breath, we both know we're going to do this as I move my hands to his waist pulling him even closer. I'm scared and Robert knows it, "Promise me you won't leave me? You don't leave me, whatever."

Robert kisses me, his hand is resting on the side of my head. I can feel his fingers up through my hair, his eyes never leave mine, "I promise I won't let anything happen to you."

I rest my forehead against his as I whisper to him, "Okay. Do it."

He pushes my head back a little, so he can see into my eyes, searching, "You're sure?"

I'm scared shitless, but I'm sure, "Just get it over with before I change my mind."

I take my coat off so he can get to my arm, but he's hesitating. The syringe is in his hand, still with the cover on, "What are you waiting for?"

He looks at me sheepishly, embarassed, "I hate needles. I kind of faint even watching someone else never mind having to do it myself. I don't think I can inject you, you're going to have to do it."

I crack out laughing, what we're doing is so fucked up, "So you want me to inject myself, with whatever knock out drug you have in that thing. Me, an ex junkie and all so you can take me unconscious to meet someone, somewhere I don't know and I have no clue how we get there?" He nods smiling at my reaction, "Epic, just epic."

He turns serious again, "Aaron we won't get there get there on time if I'm unconscious as well as you, and well....., you know what you're doing."

I glare at him, "Un-fucking-believable, you are so not funny." I'm half amused, half irritated with him, "Assuming we're both still alive at the end of this, I'm so going to smack you for that."

He grins at me as he hands me the needle and pulls a rubber tube out of his pocket for me to make a tourniquet with. I raise my eyebrows, he shrugs saying, "It came with the needle." I stay silent as I take it from him and I wrap it round my arm. I look around to make sure we are still on our own in the yard and I remove the plastic cover from the syringe. I take a deep breath, "I can't believe I am actually going to do this." I lean back against my seat, Robert has his hand at the back of my neck, his fingers gently stroking my skin, but he's looking away as I inject.

When I 've done it, he turns my head to him and I know he's as scared of this as I am. I feel his breath as he kisses me, "I'll be with you all the time. I promise."

"You'd better.....," I feel my eyes closing, as I drift into unconsciousness.

TBC


	37. A Second Chance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert and Aaron return home and discuss whether to agree to the man's request.

Robert - End July 2015

Aaron looks so peaceful, as I wait for him to wake up. It's different to watching him sleep normally because he's not moving at all, there's none of his usual shifting around or sounds. With the drug still keeping him unconscious, he is perfectly still. I look at my watch, it's just after seven, so we've been back a good hour. Fortunately everyone was still in bed when I carried him out of the car and upstairs into my room.

As Aaron slowly starts to stir, I go and lie down beside him on the bed. Propped up on my elbow, I can't resist stroking his forehead with my fingers. I move closer to him, smiling at how beautiful he is and I lean into kiss his cheek. I rest my head back down on the pillow next to his and watch him until his eyes finally open, "Hey you."

"Mmmh," Aaron turns his head to look at me, his eyes only half open. He raises his hand so it's resting on my face, but he needs a few minutes to come round properly.

"I texted Adam to say you wouldn't be in, so we have the day to ourselves."

"Thanks." Aaron looks around, half smiling, "So we got back home okay then? I'm still in one piece, still got my clothes on."

I smirk at him, "Yep," I give him the once over with my eyes, teasing, "I can take your clothes off for you, if you'd like?"

He smirks back at me, "Maybe later......" He turns on his side, resting his arm over me, "So that was weird?"

"Hmmmh. That's one way to describe it." I roll onto my back and put my hands to my head, yawning. Aaron got his sleep, but I've been awake all night. Although I knew most of the people throughout the journey, I wouldn't ever have let myself sleep whilst Aaron was with me, awake or unconscious. I trusted them to a point, but not unconditionally and then when we got back I couldn't even begin to think about sleep until I knew he was awake and alright. I look back to him, "You feel okay from the stuff they gave you?"

"Yeah. You look knackered though." He moves to rest against me and I put my arm round his shoulders, pulling him to me.

I shrug and kiss his head, "I promised you I would keep you safe. I don't think I could have slept anyway, even if I'd tried; too much going round in my head." I yawn again, "You're right though, am cream crackered. Let me see if I can get some sleep for a while and we can talk after, is that okay?"

Aaron nods. We both take our jeans off and get into bed. He says to me, "Come 'ere you," and we snuggle up under the duvet. I go to sleep almost instantly in his arms.

.

I'm on my own when I wake. I look at the clock and it's just after three. I get up and go down to make a coffee before going to find Aaron. I see him sat outside on the back steps in the garden and go out through the French windows to sit behind him, stretching my legs down the steps, one either side of him. I lie back on the ground a minute, resting my head on the stone patio, the sun feels nice and warm on my face. After a couple of minutes, I sit back up and rest my chin on his shoulder, "What do you think then?"

Aaron looks back at me and smiles, "Well I didn't think our life could get any weirder. Just goes to show what I know." He turns so he is sat at a right angle to me, leaning against my left leg. He holds my hand; his fingers, intertwined, playing gently with mine. "I don't know Robert. It's just so....., unexpected. I mean there's, do we want to do this and if we do, there's the how? Then what do we tell Milly and how would we even explain this to everyone else?" he pauses a little, "What about you?"

I stare out over the garden thinking about the conversations we'd had during the meet last night. I had thought about nothing else all the way home and a lot more. "I don't know how I feel right now." I rest my head against Aaron, "I mean one day it would be good, all of it, but I don't know if it's not too soon. You know?"

Aaron nods, "I know, but sometimes things happen for a reason. If we do this, then we need to find a way to make it safe, or as safe as possible."

I look at him a little more closely, "Does that mean this is something you would really seriously consider doing?"

"It'll change our entire lives forever and I still need to get my head around some of what that means, but yeah, maybe." I stare out at the garden again, thinking. Aaron moves so his leaning more against me, "She's beautiful isn't she?"

"You big softie," I smile and kiss his head, "but, yes she is. I'm going to need some time to think about this Aaron. I'm not sure. There's a lot we have to talk about properly and first I need to do some checking if we can even make this happen. No-one can ever be able to trace this back to him, it would be far too dangerous." We both lie back for a while soaking up the warmth of the sun, but I'm restless. I have too much going on in my head to relax. I sit up, "I need to go for a run, clear my head a bit." I give him a quick kiss and then go back into the house to change into my running stuff.

.

As I'm running, I think back to the meet. It had soon become clear what was so important to him that he had gone to the lengths to set it up; also why he wanted to meet and talk to Aaron in person. He had even talked to Aaron for a while alone, without me. I'm curious what they talked about, but I presume Aaron will tell me in his own time. I couldn't ever have guessed though that he wants us to take on his newborn granddaughter; especially as he doesn't really agree with two guys being together. That said, however, he trusted less than a handful of people in this world and two of them are now dead. He knows we'll take good care of her and that matters more to him that anything.

His son and daughter-in-law had been killed in a bomb blast, but their daughter who was only a day old after being born at home, survived. They hadn't registered her, so officially, she doesn't exist. She doesn't even have a name yet. Aaron is right, she is beautiful and it had taken my breath away watching him hold her. Her mum was French and she's inherited her western European features, which will probably make any story we come up with a little easier. He's almost sixty and it will get harder for him to look after her. He has no other family, not that he trusts anyway and it would be no life for her with him, he moves around a lot to keep safe. He wants her to have a good life, a good education, safe with a family who will love and protect her away from all the war and fighting. I can understand why he wants to do this, but it comes with a huge risk for all of us if anyone finds out.

.

Robert - A Week Later

I finish up at Wiley's after my afternoon run and see Aaron's car pulling into the gates after being up at Butlers. We have our morning run, but I've been going out again later in the day; I need to push myself faster and hard, it helps me think. I've been trying to get the answers we needed on how we could do this and make it legally tight and safe. Tomorrow we have to let him know our answer, so we have to reach a final decision. I just seem to be going round and round in circles with it though. I know Aaron would say yes. He fell in love with her the moment she was in his arms. I didn't hold her, for some reason something stopped me; I just couldn't.

After I finish stretching out, Aaron hands me a beer. I open it and take a drink and we go sit in our usual spot against the wall of the house, the last of the early evening sun shining on us. Aaron looks at me, "So, is it possible to make it all legal?"

"Yes and no." Aaron squints at me, the sun in his eyes, "The first part we can do, but to do it legally makes it too dangerous. People would find out too easily, it just wouldn't be safe. There is a way to get round this, it would cost quite a bit, but it's possible. Then the rest then could just follow the normal process, all legal and above board, which would also cost quite a bit; but it could take years Aaron. The only way to do this quickly and safely, which is what he wants, would be completely illegal."

"But to anyone who did any digging, for schools and everything, it would look legal?"

I look at him, "Yes."

"And you could make that happen?"

"It's not easy, but yes."

Aaron can tell I'm struggling to decide. He looks at me as I stare across the fields, "You still don't know do you?"

"No. I want to, but....., it's good now with us and this would change everything."

He puts his hand on my arm, "I know, but it's not just that is it?"

I look at him as I get up to walk around a little, "A part of me feels like somehow I'm betraying Jem by doing this. We lost Jem because of me and him, and now we'd be putting ourselves back in the same position. I won't lose anyone else because of me. You and Milly are my life, I won't risk that." I'm stubbing my foot against a stone flag raised up from the others and I look across to Aaron. "If anyone finds out, they'll come after us....., her, to try and get at him. We'd do everything we can to make it safe, but there's no guarantee Aaron. I can't promise that."

Aaron looks up at me, "Robert, she won't ever replace Jem, nothing can do that and we'd be giving her a chance of a good life." He gets up and walks over next to me. He pulls me by the hand with him until we're both leaning back against the garden wall, "I know that it's a risk, a big risk. I just keep thinking how would we feel, if knowing we say no, and then find out that something happened to her or even him. What would happen to her then? I don't think we could just ignore that, we would carry the guilt just the same." He moves in front of me and leans against me, his hands on my hips, "Look, it's all ifs and buts. We don't know how it's going to turn out, any of it, anything can go wrong. We might not stay together, I could get knocked over by a bus." I look at him as if to stay stop being stupid, "Don't look at me like that, you know what I mean." I wrap my arms around him and I rest my head against him. I'm not used to being so indecisive.

.

I lift my head back up so I can look at him, "You still want to do this don't you?"

Aaron kisses me, "Yes, but I understand if you don't. It's mad to even consider it, I know. We've been through a lot and we're still working stuff out, but my gut says do it; besides Milly would love having another sister." He looks at me intently a minute, "Why do I get the feeling the risk isn't the only thing bothering you. I mean with your time in the army there's always a chance something might happen, come back on us somehow. I don't think that's the real reason you're not sure?"

"What if I can't do it? You saw how I was with Jem, I was useless. You were the one who got her to sleep most of the time."

"Not true, maybe the first couple of days, but that's just cos you were stressed with everything. After that she went to sleep the same with you as with me." Aaron puts his hands either side of my neck, I can feel his fingers sliding up through my hair as he holds my head, forcing me to look at him. "Talk to me Robert, the truth. What's going on in that head of yours?"

I finally admit to him what's holding me back the most, "What if I can't love her? What if I blame her? You saw me; I couldn't even pick her up, I wouldn't hold her."

Aaron looks at me, "What, you mean blame her for what happened to Jem?"

"Jem, you, everything. She's his granddaughter. What if every time I look at her, I can't separate her out from everything that happened, but yeah for losing Jem. That she would be living with us as our daughter whilst Jem is dead."

Aaron strokes a hand down through my hair until its resting on my neck, "You won't think like that when she's here."

"You don't know that." I try and look away from Aaron, but he won't let me turn my head away from him.

He stares at me, his blue eyes burning into mine, "Robert we don't know that everything is going to be okay with us in the future, but you're not letting that stop us from being together again."

"No, but I know I love you: I don't feel complete without you in my life. Anyway, that's not the same as me blaming her."

"Okay, but what if we start to have problems and I throw what you did back in your face. What then?"

My emotions are all over the place and I look at him scared when he says this, "You're not regretting being with me are you?"

"No, but we have no idea what's round the corner. Why wouldn't you hold her? Is it because you're scared you won't feel anything or because of what you might feel?"

"I don't know Aaron. I've never felt like this before, I've never been so confused about what I want and how I feel. I just know this scares me." I hug him into me, needing the security of his body and touch.

Aaron pushes me back a little so he can look at me, "Okay, how did it feel when you saw me hold her?"

I smile immediately, "I loved seeing you with her." It was strange watching him hold her, but he was so natural with her. It wasn't Jem in his arms, but I remember it had still given me that same warm feeling inside.

"So you did feel something good already. There's nothing wrong with being scared, I'm scared. Sometimes I'm scared here with what we already have; how I feel about you, the things we've done and said to each other. Just being alive sometimes scares me. When I came back Moira said to me to take one day at a time and that's what we're doing. You asked me to trust you when we agreed to go meet him, so now I'm asking you to trust me. I know you Robert. I know as soon as she comes into our lives you'll love her as if she's our own. She won't be Jem and she won't be Milly, she'll be her own person and she'll be our daughter." I rest quietly in his arms a while to think about what he said.

.

After a while, I move away from Aaron and walk around a bit. There is a lot we still haven't talked about because we've been so hung up on how to do this and if we want to do it. We hadn't got around to talking about the practicalities of the rest of it, "Where would we live? You always said you wouldn't ever live at Home Farm. Would you move in here with me? The planning permission just came through so we can start the renovation, most of the contractors are lined up already. The main house part could be all finished enough for us to move into by Christmas."

He stares up at the farmhouse and then across at me, "I wasn't sure you wanted to live here?"

I smile across at him. "I didn't want to jinx things with us. It's not that long ago it was only a dream that we would even be together again, never mind live together. I'd always kind of hoped we would eventually. I know you've thought about it too?" Aaron nods and I continue, "What about his condition? We haven't talked about that at all either..... It's another thing I dreamt about and thought we'd do one day, but when we're ready. Doesn't that scare you, after everything?"

Aaron smiles at me, "You'd think it would right, but it doesn't. My mum finding out scares me." I have to laugh at that, "Look I've been thinking about that a bit more; there's nothing to say we can't put some conditions into this of our own. He wouldn't have come to us if there was anyone else that can give her the life he wants. He trusts you, that's plain to see and he knows we will protect her with our lives; so if he can get over that it's two guys together, he can over the fact we're not married. The question is do we want to wait?"

I know I want to be with Aaron for the rest of my life, but I'm not ready to marry him, we're not ready. "I don't but I do. It just feels like it's moving too fast Aaron, this is part of what went wrong last time. I love you, I want to marry you and spend my with life with you, but this is a huge commitment and I want you to be sure about me, that you trust me. What we have today, it works. We wanted to take our time, just enjoy being together but still have some space and now it feels like things are being forced again. I can't lose you, I won't."

Aaron comes and stands in front of me, stopping me from my pacing up and down, "It was completely different before, you can't compare. Being married's not necessary for adoption is it? So we don't need it for any cover story?"

I shake my head, "No."

"This place won't be ready until Christmas right? So why don't we say, we'll move in together at Christmas and we'll get married when we're ready, just not yet. If he doesn't accept that, then that's his problem, deals off."

I still can't get over worrying about this putting too much pressure on us and we lose what we have now, "Why are you so sure Aaron?"

"I know what I said when I came back, that I couldn't love you like that again; but you know I never stopped loving you. I couldn't no matter how hard I tried. We're not the same people as we were last year Robert, we know each other practically inside out. It's like I said that day in the pub, we belong together; you, me, Milly and maybe just maybe after losing Jem this little girl is a second chance. Together we can do anything, good and bad, we're already proof of that; but we're also stronger from it all." It goes quiet again between us. Aaron knows me well enough that I need this to help me work things through in my head.

I shift my gaze from over the fields and look across at him, stood leaning back against the garden wall, "Okay."

"Okay? As in yes we'll do this?"

"Yes. We'll tell him yes, but we don't move in together until we're ready, whether that's Christmas or later and we don't get married until we're both ready. I know we spend most nights together, but I want you to be really sure. Joanna can take care of her and Milly like now when we spends nights at yours and we still need to make sure we have time for us. I don't care how we do it, but we don't get lost in everything going on around us, okay? "

Aaron puts his arms around me, smiling and kisses me. "Deal." I can't resist wrapping my arms around him, my hand up the back of his head and my other working over his body and as we kiss again it deepens. We pull out for air, both smiling at how quickly we get carried away. Aaron practically whispers, "I love you Robert," and I kiss him again. 

Whenever we are both feeling emotional like now, this just makes us so intense and needy with each other when we start and this time we don't stop. We just get more frantic and he lets me push him backwards into the house. We keep on moving until we're in our favourite room, clothes coming off on the way, left strewn where they fall. We take our time making love to each other well into the night, it's so intense; like always I don't want it stop.

TBC

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last few chapters are drafted, just making my mind up whether to break them down to round up to 40 or not.  
> Thanks for all the positive feedback as always.
> 
> I will probably post at least one more by tomorrow night with luck. For some reason, this one took me ages, mix of being mega busy at work and I was just never happy with it.


	38. You're My Everything

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert and Aaron choose a name for their future daughter and Robert makes arrangements to bring her to Emmerdale.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I kind of got carried away on this one and couldn't stop writing. Anyway.... enjoy.

Aaron - Beginning Aug 2015

"No way. Absolutely not, she is not being called Elektra." I take the book out of his hand and throw it in the scrap bucket before he comes out with yet another name I'm not going to like. Half the time he's doing it on purpose, but scarily half the time he is actually being serious. "And our life is not a sodding Greek tragedy, but if you keep this up mate, it bloody well will be."

Robert just stands there laughing at me, "Aaron, don't be so boring."

I scowl at him, trying to suppress a smile. He is so adorable when looking all mischievous and he soon has me laughing at him. He knows I can't resist him as he sidles over and wraps his arms around my waist and kisses my neck. "I'm not....., why don't we pick a family name instead?" I push his hands away before they continue wandering too far down and head outside to get the flask for a drink. We've been working all day at Wiley's before the contractors come to start tomorrow.

Robert follows me outside, "Okay, but I'm not paging through the bible like the Dingles. Why don't you come up with some names, you haven't suggested one yet."

I pass Robert the coffee flask whilst I go and sit on the wall with my tea, "That's because I've already picked one. I was just seeing if you came up with one I liked as good or better. Don't think I'll hold my breath on that one though."

Robert looks over at me before pouring his coffee, curious, "Go on then, let's hear it."

"Annie, after your grandmother." He goes quiet, I don't really know what relationship he had with her. I like the name and after tapping Andy up a couple of times about her, I thought he would like it. Now I'm not so sure, I hadn't been prepared for silence. "I looked it up, it means grace."

He says quietly, almost to himself, "Annie Sugden."

I suddenly realise he's feeling emotional about it. Putting my tea on the wall, I go and put my arms around him, "I've always liked it." I grin at him, "I mean, we could go for Annie Elektra Sugden if that makes you happier?"

Robert grins back at me and digs his hand playfully into my side, "Muppet." He pulls me closer to him, "I like it, Annie Sugden, I like it a lot," I start to melt against him as he kisses me.

"Good. Now, we just need to find a name for this place." I give him a quick kiss back and then return to my tea, jumping up to sit on the wall, putting some distance between us. We're both so horny all the time at the moment that my body actually needs a rest.

Robert looks at me thoughtfully, "I thought about what you said. I never spoke to Andy, I don't want to call this place Emmerdale Farm. It might not be used anymore, but it's still there and it will always be Emmerdale Farm for me. There's too many memories connected to up there, good and bad. If we're going to give this place a name, then it should be something special to both of us."

"Okay, but that'll take some thought then....." Robert throws the newspaper at me on account of my sarcastic tone.

He drinks the last of his coffee, "Come on you. We should finish and get cleaned up if we're going to make it to the pub on time for tea with the devil."

It's now my turn and I throw the paper hard back at him, "Oi, that's my mother you're talking about." I grin, "Only I'm allowed to call her that." Robert laughed as he started collecting our stuff up.

.

Aaron - Beginning Sept 2015

Everything's got really busy in the last few weeks. We've been trying to build some bridges with mum which is coming, slowly. Between me, Paddy and the rest of the family we are nudging her and Robert closer together. Don't think they'll be best buds anytime soon, but they're talking to each other and that's a start. Since Jem's funeral things seem to be okay between me and her as long as we keep away from talking too much about Robert. Work's started at Wiley's full on, so Robert's project managing that now and Milly is over-excited and nervous about being at infant school.

We still haven't told anyone about Annie yet. Robert has been busy trying to sort out everything to make all this work and seem legal. I know he's feeling the pressure to make sure it's all safe for us. Despite our worries on a lot of things, we never once worry that we could go to prison. Robert is confident that he can make this pretty much water-tight and we've made our choice; we're not going back on it now, whatever happens. I know that if he's not happy, he will put a stop to it all. We can't make our minds up what to tell Joanna, whether to tell her the truth or not. We even discussed maybe letting her go and just bringing up the girls on our own; but to make a real go of the farm it will need both of us full-time. Plus she's like one of the family now, Milly wouldn't be the only one to miss her if she wasn't around. In the end, she's the only one who keeps us all in line.

We've moved away from the original idea of what we would tell people, that she was the result of Robert sleeping around last year. As much as its completely believable on the one hand, the timing is a little too tight and Robert doesn't want her to have that hanging over her; so we need to come up with something else, we're just struggling on what."

We're going to have to make our minds up soon though, Robert will go and get her next week. It's all becoming eerily real. I know he's still scared about how he will be around her, but I saw the look on his face when he watched me with her. I know he won't be able to resist her once she's home with us. I told him I wanted to move into Home Farm to be with her more until Wiley's is finished, but he flipped. He's adamant we don't move in together until at least Christmas. This has lead to a bit of an argument, because if he brings her with him when he stays at mine, he doesn't want Milly to feel left out. Vic and Adam's place isn't that big though. We'll work it out one way or another, but it's going to be an interesting first few months.

.

I get to home farm from work just after five and I go looking for Robert; he's in his study when I go to tell him I'm here. I stare at him a moment from the door, he looks stressed and tired. He barely registers my presence, reminding me of how he was last November. I brush off the feeling and tell him I'm going for a bath, but still no response. I go back into the kitchen and get a beer to take with me. Joanna and Milly are nowhere to be seen, so no idea where they've got to.

He's not told me much about how this is going to work, partly I think because he's still working on it, and partly he's trying to protect me from worrying too much. I don't know if I want to know sometimes, but then I think, what if anything goes wrong. I wouldn't know even where to start and it just hurts when he shuts me out like today. I'm not used to seeing that side of him anymore and for the first time I have a doubt if we made the right choice. I sink under the water, hoping to push my fear and a stray tear away with it. When I come back up and wipe the water from my face, he's there; his chin resting on his hands on the side of the bath.

"Sorry."

"What for?" I try and keep him from knowing he upset me, but I'm sure he doesn't buy it.

"I recognised that look on your face. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to shut you out; it's what I do when I need to focus. I still find it hard to share that part of me, the soldier part."

I take a deep breath and sort of smile at him, "It's okay. How's it going?"

"More or less sorted, I think. You're in love with a baby smuggler do you know that? I keep trying to think of scenarios to cover off. Babies are not exactly easy to keep quiet if you get into trouble." Robert leans over and kisses me, "I'll show you the plan when you get back downstairs, judge for yourself."

.

I go down after my bath, wrapped in my dressing gown. I grab another beer and one for Robert, before going to find him in the study. He looks at me, "Come here, lover." I grin at him, he doesn't call me that often, but I kind of like it. I go sit on his knee and hand him his beer. He talks me through the plan and back up plans if anything goes wrong; I realise how good at all this he is. I have to ask the obvious, "Why can't you just do what we did before?"

"It's a repeat. Plus the people who took us there can be bought or are loyal to their own masters who have their own agenda. It was safe for that one off, but not this. This has to be completely separate and the less people involved the better. Getting in is fairly easy, it's just me. The hard part is getting out with such a small baby and keeping completely off the radar from everyone; but once we're in the air, we should be safe."

He pulls me to the side so I'm sitting at a right angle to him, resting on his left knee. He puts his hand up-to my face pulling it close to his, "If anything goes wrong Aaron and we don't get back on plan, you give it another twenty-four hours and if you don't hear anything, you call the Colonel okay? It doesn't matter what happens after, even if I end up in prison; better that than dead and he'll know what to do."

"Do you want to tell him?"

"No, but if you need him, then you give him this. It has everything on it." Robert gives me a memory stick.

"You could ask a couple of the lads to go with you, they would if you asked."

Robert shakes his head adamantly, "No, I don't want anyone pulled into this unless absolutely necessary. They could lose their jobs or worse if anyone found out. No, it's better to leave them out of it."

.

My hand is playing with his, as he continues, "You'll need to take care of everything with the contractors on Wiley's, but you know the plans and everything just as much as I do. I've given you access to the bank accounts if any emergency comes up, you know where everything is."

I never like to talk about the money as I don't have any to contribute to the pot and I feel guilty because I'm the one pushing hardest to do this. "Are you okay for money? You said all this would cost a lot and then there's all the stuff with Wiley's."

"Yeah we're good, and if we need any extra, then I'll just do a few one-off jobs when I get back. I still have a reputation for getting the job done. Things never got in the way of that." He smiles a little ruefully. 

I look at him closely after he says this, "I don't really want to know details do I?"

He kisses me and smiles, "Probably not, but I promised you it was safe and you know I wouldn't do anything that would put you or Milly at risk. Aaron......"

Something has changed in his voice and I look into his eyes, "What?"

He puts his hand to my face, "When I was sorting everything out, I changed my will. You get the house, everything and I put you as preferred guardian for Milly; there's a separate trust fund for her, split fifty-fifty between her eighteenth and twenty-first. So you're not allowed to fall apart if anything happens to me, you hear me, she'll need you. Diane will always be there to help and the others, but you're her dad, same as me."

I look at him a little shocked and then turn my head away as I feel tears beginning to well up in my eyes, "I don't want any of it, if I can't have you. I don't give a crap about the money. I love you."

"Aaron, look at me," he turns my head back to him. "I love you very much. I need you to promise me you'll take care of Milly. You're my everything, both of you, do you understand?"

I nod and put my arm round his shoulders, "I promise." He wipes away a tear that has escaped down my cheek, "How dangerous is this really?"

He looks at me, his eyes are calm but serious, "Ask me when we get back." He kisses me gently and leaves his hand resting on my cheek, "There's still time to back out Aaron. Are you sure, are you really sure?"

I stare into his eyes, "Yeah, I'm sure, but what about you?"

"You asked me to trust you right? It's not bringing her home that scares me, you know that. It's what comes after."

He kisses me again and I kiss him back, "I know. We're doing the right thing, you're a good dad. Anyone only has to see you with Milly to know that and I don't just let any old man have hold of my heart." I don't give him chance to retort and kiss him again, pushing my tongue into his mouth; our kissing lasts a lot longer this time and starts something else as Robert's hand creeps up my thigh.

.

He picks me up and putting me down onto the desk, opens my dressing gown. His hands caress down my front and then begin to roam everywhere. Robert then picks me up properly and carries me straddling him. Our kissing is becoming hot and wild as we crash against the kitchen wall. We stay there a little while, my legs still wrapped around him. He holds me up with his body, his hands in mine, pinning them up above our heads against the wall. I cry out and then moan as he kisses my neck, biting and sucking gently, but enough he will leave his mark. "God Aaron I want you, you have no idea how much I want you." My dressing gown is more or less off as we are on the move again. 

We're quickly out of control with each other, "Fuck me Robert, I want you to fuck me." He pulls my dressing gown off me completely and drops it on the floor. We get as far as the bottom of the stairs where he lays me down on the steps and we kiss each other passionately. We get carried away and reckless, too needy and impatient to go upstairs. He whispers my name over and over into my ear, his warm breath turning me on even more as we continue kissing, "Now Robert, I want you now." I'm frantically prying open the buttons on his jeans as he pulls the rest of his clothes off.

We're finally both naked now and stroking each other, our bodies rubbing against each, our hands pulling at each other. The phone goes and we both stop, my mind goes back to the last time we were here like this. This time Robert just smiles teasing, "How hard?" but he doesn't need to ask, we both know exactly what we want from each other. He carries on stroking me with his hand and kissing my stomach. I gasp as he bites and sucks harder, he's going to be leaving his mark on my body in more than a few places at this rate. He pushes my legs apart and back before sliding into me, after the first couple of thrusts he starts driving into me hard and I cry out again, my body arching up. We quickly get into a rhythm, but after a while he picks me up and we switch round so he's now sat and laid back against the steps and I'm riding him. He has his hands around my waist, but now it's me controlling the speed. We move against each other, me pushing down as he pushes up inside me; I don't think it's possible for him to get any deeper. We have got really good at reading our bodies, our sounds and talking to each other with our eyes. We both get off on coming at the same time and we time it to come together, my hand jerking myself off. 

Just as we're coming, we're interrupted by Joanna's voice, "Oh my god, oh lord, Milly back in the kitchen please," and we hear the kitchen door close.

There was no stopping the orgasm for either of us at this point. I am already leaning back, my body beginning to jerk against Robert. As we come, it's a combination of ecstasy and amusement at being caught; it's one the most bizarre experiences ever. I put my fist in my mouth to try and keep quiet, but it's impossible when coming so intensely. Robert couldn't help himself and shouted out loud on purpose for Joanna to hear which cracked me up even more, "Oh Aaron, Oh Aaron.... more, I want more, don't stop." I hit him to get him to stop, but I'm too late. It's was actually the intensity of him coming which shuts him up as his abs tighten up and he struggles to breathe, his body straining as the sensation fully hits him."

As our orgasms lessen we both fall into each other in a complete fit of giggles. Robert strokes my hair as I lie against him whilst we get our breath back, "Well that was fun." I just grin at him, it had been incredible. We aren't in a rush to move, we are pretty sure Joanna won't be walking back in any time soon. We eventually get up and go for a shower and to get changed.

.

We go back down into the kitchen, smiling at each other like naughty schoolboys and as expected, we got the look from Joanna, "I did call to say we were on our way with fish and chips. You'll have to put yours in the microwave. We've had ours." Neither of us could stop grinning, Robert has hold of my hand as we go over to the counter by the microwave. We lean against the counter waiting and I'm stood next to him biting on his shoulder trying to stop laughing as Joanna continues to glare at us.

Milly was hilarious in her innocence, pulling a face at us, "Why are you laughing?" Thankfully she hadn't seen anything.

We didn't say anything as Joanna beats us to it. She gives us her death stare, "Daddy and Aaron need to learn to get a room."

Milly just looked even more confused whilst we both apologised in unison, "Sorry Joanna," this just cracked us up even more and I have to stand in front of Robert so my back is to Joanna. I wrap my arms around Robert, my head is facing down into his chest so I could try and stop laughing, but I completely have the giggles at this point. After the microwave pinged, we took our food over to the breakfast bar. Joanna did her best to keep a straight face, but she was softening; there was definitely a hint of amusement in her eyes.

.

Aaron - Tuesday 8th Sept 2015

We had already secretly put the cot up in Robert's room. Joanna never goes into either his room or his bathroom, he cleans and sorts them himself. Since leaving the army he likes his own space to be private.

Robert is leaving to fetch Annie this morning. If everything goes to plan he won't be back until late Thursday or early Friday. We're going to tell Joanna and Milly only when he gets back. We have decided to keep it simple in the beginning and just say we're looking after her for a friend. We'll play it by ear a bit after that.

We get up very early and are both quiet as we have breakfast and Robert puts the last couple of things in his rucksack. He puts his arms round me and kisses the back of my neck, whispering, "I love you" into my ear. I turn round to look at him and I pull him into me. I hadn't really known how I would feel today when the time actually comes, but I feel really nervous; I have no idea what to say. I wonder if this is what Amanda used to feel like when he went off when he was in the army. I don't want to let him go, "Remember what I said Aaron. I won't have anything that leads me back to here without a DNA test or something like that and I won't have my phone with me until I get back into the UK." He cups my face in his hands and he kisses me, "I love you. Try not to worry, I know what you're like and I'll be back by Friday, I promise."

I kiss him, "You'd better be." He pulls away from me but I go with him to the door where I grab his hand and pull him back into me to kiss him again. I put my hands around his neck, "I love you Robert Sugden." I kiss him one last time before this time letting him go and I watch him drive off.

TBC


	39. Faith

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert has gone to fetch Annie and bring her home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little later than I had anticipated, real world is a little busy ...

Aaron - Friday 11th Sept 2015

I'm not really listening to Milly chattering away about school during tea. I can't help looking constantly at my phone for a text or a phone call to say he's on his way home; I've been so busy with everything in Emmerdale that I've managed not to worry too much. The last couple of nights I've been at home with Vic and Adam, which has helped, though I've been struggling to sleep; last night especially. I never believed anything would go wrong. In my head, Robert would always find a way to make it work and come home safe, but it's now got to Friday teatime and I still haven't heard anything. Joanna knows something's wrong, she doesn't believe me for one minute when I tell her I'm okay.

It finally gets to Milly's bedtime and I go up with her. Reading a story together helps relax me a little but once I'm back downstairs though, I can't keep still and am permanently glancing nervously at the clock. Joanna is watching me so closely that I almost cave and tell her, but I've decided to call James instead; I can't wait any longer. I'm just scrolling through to find his number when my phone rings and I answer, "It's Dalton, where are you?"

I start pacing up and down, now pretty much in full on panic mode, "Home Farm, I'm at Home Farm."

"We're on our way to get you, be out back. You won't miss us, we'll be there in two minutes."

I grab my coat and look at Joanna, not quite sure what to tell her, "I have to go." I don't know what else to say, but I don't move either; I'm very close to crying and she can see it.

Joanna comes up-to me and hugs me tight, "Robert's in trouble isn't he?"

"Maybe. I don't know Joanna, I don't know. Look after Milly and I'll call you." I stop at the door before going outside, "Please don't say anything to anyone, just let me find out first."

She nods, "Okay," and she hugs me again.

The helicopter is already landing when I get outside. When I get in I only have to take one look at Dalton's face to know it's bad. It's too loud to talk until he gives me a headset as we take off, but I can't ask the question. I just stare at him waiting for him to tell me, "He's alive, but he's hurt." I don't ask anything else and he doesn't add anything. I don't want to know; I just want to see him. I stare out at the ground passing below us to avoid looking at anyone. It never enters my head to ask where we're going or even about Annie.

.

The helicopter lands on a beach and I realise we are at the beach house in Tenby so whatever happened, Robert must have found a way to contact James himself. After getting out and the helicopter takes off again, we go quickly up-to the house and into the kitchen. I'm shocked by how many people are in there, I recognise some of his old team. I can't gauge the feeling in the room, it's weird and really tense.

I don't see James, but I see Hardwick with Annie, "Where is he?" Before anyone can answer, I hear his name being shouted and a lot of noise coming from the cellars and I run through the open cellar door and down the steps. A door to one of the side rooms is open where all the commotion is coming from and I go through. James comes towards me and stops me from going any further, trying to push me back.

I'd never been off the main cellar into the side rooms when we were here. It's a small room, but through another set of doors is a much bigger room which is basically an operating theatre. If I didn't know any better, we could be in Hotten General. All the beeping and noise is overwhelming from the monitors I can see through the windows. I see Robert and there is blood everywhere. I'm pushing hard against James, but a couple of the others are now with us and I'm crying as I fight with them, but they hold me back. I give up fighting them, but they still hold onto me as we watch them trying to resuscitate Robert. I can't tear my eyes away from him and the heart monitor, it's the one monitor not beeping when it should be; it's just one long tone. Robert is flat-lining.

I look at James through my tears and then back to the room. There are two guys and a lady all in scrubs, I recognise two of them as Nick and Caroline but the other guy I don't know. James is talking to me, but I'm not really taking in what he is saying, everything is just background noise to all the sound of the monitors. We're all now stood in silence, staring through the window into the room where they are, as we watch them battle to restart Robert's heart. I'm clinging onto James, leaning with most of my weight against him; I'm filled with dread. I want to look away but I can't.

.

I keep looking at the clock as the minutes pass and I can sense the mood change. I'm pleading, "I can't lose him James, I can't. Please, don't let them give up on him. Please, they have to keep going." They've been trying for more than twenty minutes and Robert's still not responding, the tension is getting to everyone. I hear the sound of the defibrillator charging again and I can't bear it any more. James holds me to him, his arms protectively round my head as I bury it into his chest. Seeing Robert lying unmoving on the table is becoming too much; I'm hardly aware of anything anymore as my legs suddenly give way. I don't register James taking me out and back upstairs, my head is spinning and everything is just a haze as James practically carries me outside.

The cool sea air hits us as soon as we go through the door as he lets me down onto the decking. I crumble into him, the tears are streaming down my face. "He wouldn't have gone if it wasn't for me pushing him." I look at James, "He can't die James, I don't know how to live without him. Please....., " I sob into his chest, "If he dies it will be all my fault, I should never have convinced him."

James is rocking me like you would a child as I cry my heart out, "Aaron, give them time. They haven't given up on him, so don't you give up; do you hear me Aaron, don't give on him just yet. We both know that Robert wouldn't do something he doesn't want to do so you listen to me, whatever's going on, he did it because he wanted to." I know he's right, but it doesn't make me feel any better, I just want Robert alive and well in my arms.

James calms me down gradually until I am quiet. I don't know how long we were just sat like that, I'm lost in my memories of when we were here before. Despite some of the emotional and difficult conversations, it had been here that we became so close and had started to re-build our life together, I don't want it to be here where I lose him again. I'm brought back to reality as Dalton comes out to us, "He's breathing." Dalton smiles at us, Robert is his closest friend and the relief on his face is clear, "It's still not good and its going to be a while yet, they're having trouble getting to the last bullet."

James whispers in my ear as he holds me close, "Have faith Aaron, have faith."

.

I've stopped crying completely now as the waiting continues. It reminds me of when we were in the hospital after Jackson's accident. I'm sat on the decking, my arms wrapped around my knees and my chin resting down on them as I stare out to sea and into the darkness, "Why didn't you take him to hospital?"

James' tone is quietly accusing and I avoid his stare, "Are you going to be able to tell them and the police how he got three bullets in him?" I know it's more than just the colonel part of him talking, sometimes it's like he sees Robert more of a son than his own. "We look after our own Aaron. Nick wasn't just a doctor before, he was a surgeon, a really good surgeon. The other guy is a surgeon, he's with the military still." His tone softens a little, "Caroline used to be a nurse. I thought you knew that?"

I shake my head, "No."

"The equipment in that room is as good as you'll find in any hospital, better than some. We've built it up over the years, I'm not the only one." James looks at me and then laughs, "Wouldn't need it if people didn't keep going off on their own, doing bloody dangerous things." I manage a small smile. "What the hell was he doing Aaron and whose is the baby?"

I've been so focussed on Robert, I'd forgotten about Annie. I don't answer him and I can tell he's annoyed with me; he goes inside and I am on my own for a while. I can hear the crashing of the waves on the beach through the quiet of the night. If Robert dies, will I be like he was afraid of being? Will I blame both of us for his death? I finally get up and go inside. Hardwick still has hold of her as I go across to them. It's so bizarre seeing a soldier with such a little baby, she doesn't look to have a scratch on her. I kneel down by his side and look at her, I'm drained but I manage a smile at her, "She's grown."

Hardwick sits forward, bringing her closer to me, "You want to take her?"

I hesitate, but then I nod my head. Her eyes are scrunched up, but closed and she continues to sleep as he passes her to me. He chuckles a little, "She has a fine set of lungs on her, that's for sure."

I smile at him and take a deep breath as I take her, "She'll fit right into Emmerdale then." I hold her in my arms quietly for a while, lost in my own thoughts. She begins to stir, her eyes blinking away as they open. I kiss her head and take her over to James, "You'd have met her soon enough anyway. Annie, meet Grandpa James."

It takes James and everyone else a minute to get over the initial shock of what I'd said. James peers at her and smiles a little, but then turns to me, "She's Roberts?" When I don't answer he continues, "Are you going to tell us what's going on Aaron?"

I look at him, guiltily, "I can't. If Robert wants to tell you, he will." James looks at me exasperated. I look at him suddenly curious, "How did Robert get here?"

"He called from a private air strip not too far away. When we got to him, he was barely conscious and he'd lost a lot of blood. He wouldn't flaming let go of her though, stubborn to the last even when he's half dead." I smile to myself, I can picture him in my head.

I'm distracted by the news on the TV and James follows my gaze. I grab the remote to turn up the sound as I walk closer to watch. They all see I've recognised one of the faces on the report, a face I shouldn't know. James is staring at me thoughtfully, "I don't think I want to know do I?"

I look at him, "Probably not."

.

Eventually Caroline comes upstairs and walks towards me. I feel unsteady on my feet all of a sudden, I'm petrified at what she's going to say. "We got the last bullet out. He's still unconscious and he's not out of the woods yet, but he's stable."

"Is there any ....."

Caroline guesses where I'm going, she knows about Jackson. She rests her hands on my arms, "They don't think there's any long term damage, but we won't know for sure until he wakes up and do some more tests. We've done everything we can Aaron, the rest is now up-to Robert."

I feel completely exhausted, "Can I see him?" She nods, I hand Annie to Hardwick and follow Caroline back down the steps.

.

Stood at his bedside, it's so quiet now compared to earlier, everything all clean and ordered. He's very pale and so still. He has drips in both hands and three or four wires attached to various parts of his body by sensor pads. He has bandages over most of his stomach and up over his left shoulder and those are just what I can see.

Nick comes and stands by me. I look at him curiously, "Didn't know you were a surgeon?"

He looks at me and gives me a tired smile, "Used to be. We all have our demons Aaron."

Together we look down at Robert and I ask him, "Will he be okay?"

"He's strong, he has as good a chance as anyone."

"Don't fob me off Nick."

Nick looks me straight in my eyes, "He's breathing on his own which is a really good sign, but he's very weak; the next twenty four hours are critical. He's going to need you through every one of them and afterwards, just like you needed him, okay? I'm not going to lie to you Aaron there's no guarantee, we just have to wait."

I stare back down at Robert, "Can I be with him on my own for a bit?"

"Yes. The machines are linked to a mobile warning unit, a bit like a baby monitor. We'll know if anything is wrong okay and you know where we are if you need us. We'll be in regularly to check on him anyway." He looks around, "I'll go get you a chair."

.

As soon as Nick's gone after bringing me a chair, we're finally on our own. I ignore the chair and pull the side rail down and lie down on the bed with him. I look around a minute, appreciating the quiet after earlier. I look back at Robert, "You can open your eyes now you know, they've all gone. It's just you and me." He doesn't react, not that I expected him to. I prop myself up on my elbow for a while and watch him. He is so still, but his breathing is steady which I find oddly relaxing.

I spend some time just talking with him, telling him about Milly and her stories from school and what's been going on at the farmhouse during the week. I go quiet for a while and can feel myself getting emotional again; my mind wandering and thinking the worst. I'm practically whispering to him, "Don't you dare die on me, you got that; that was not part of the plan." I lie down properly, still on my side, but resting my head on the pillow. I get to him as close as I dare without disrupting any of the wires or tubes. I want to hold him so badly, instead I hold his hand and I kiss his shoulder, "I love you Robert Sugden, you have no idea how much I love you and I'm not going anywhere, so you take all the time you need." I close my eyes resting and the tiredness catches up on me as I go to sleep alongside him.

.

I have no idea if anyone comes into the room or not, I was so completely exhausted, that I don't wake up until into the morning. Robert is still unconscious, but it's quiet and everything looks pretty much the same as before. I work on the principle that no change is good.

I get up and go upstairs for a coffee where I see just Caroline and Nick sat at the kitchen table. Annie is asleep in a make-shift cot on the sofa. Caroline hands me a plate of warm toast, "James and the others had to leave. No-one outside the team know and they need to keep it that way. We don't want anyone nosing or asking awkward questions." I get the same look James had given me last night, "There'll be enough of them when he comes round if James gets his way." She doesn't push the point any further though, we've all been through enough. I nod. Caroline sounds so sure he'll wake up. I suppose even I am, but I'm scared of if there's anything long term wrong. I'm not sure Robert would cope and I don't even want to think about it.

.

I'm eating my toast when the monitoring unit on the kitchen table suddenly starts beeping and flashing. We all look at each other and race downstairs.

I could kill him as he grins, "You miss me?" Robert is out of bed and has pulled all the wires and drips out. He's pale and leaning against the wall, breathing very heavily, he looks shattered despite the grin. I get to him first and he leans against me. Nick and Caroline try to pull him away from me to put him back into bed, but he refuses to budge or let me go; his eyes never leave mine.

I have to laugh at Caroline telling Robert off, "Robert Sugden, you get back into bed right now if you value your life, or I'll finish you off myself; you flippin' arse." In the end we guide him back to bed all together.

He won't let go of my hand, he might be weak, but his grip is still amazingly strong and I sit on the bed by his side. Robert keeps brushing Nick's his hand away as he tries to put a new needle and drip in, "Robert you let me put this in or I'll give you something and then you won't have a choice, understood. Just behave yourself for once."

I'm amused at Robert having to look away and close his eyes whilst Nick puts a fresh needle in. I can't describe the relief I'm feeling, seeing him moving, knowing he can walk and talk. I get up off the bed as Nick is finishing up, "Don't go Aaron, don't leave me."

There's something in his voice, "I'm not, don't worry. I'm not going anywhere." Both Caroline and Nick noticed the change is his tone and I saw them glance at each other. People get so used to seeing Robert being in control, that they really notice when he's vulnerable. I sit on the edge of the bed, his thumb is gently brushing up and down on my hand that he is holding. Caroline and Nick eventually leave us alone again. He shifts a little so he can look at me better, he has to lean back against the pillow a minute and close his eyes before he tries to talk again, "Is Annie okay?"

I nod and smile at him, "Yeah, she's perfect." I lean over and kiss his forehead. I lie down by his side, my head close to his on the pillow and I whisper to him, "You scared the shit out of me, you know that? Don't ever do that again."

He gives me a weak smile, "Sorry. I scared the crap out of myself almost." I start to ask him more, but he looks at me tired, "Not here, not now. I'll tell you when we get home."

I tell him the one thing I do know, "He's dead, I saw him on the news."

Robert kisses me, "I know Aaron, I know." I can see a tear rolling down his face, he turns his face to me, "I love you." He pauses a minute as he tries to compose himself, then looks into my eyes, "Aaron Livesy, will you marry me?"

TBC

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I considered changing this after the new spoilers came out, but decided not to. Once I'd decided on the ending a good few weeks ago this was always how it played out in my head.


	40. Happily Ever After

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert and Aaron celebrate the New Year festivities together with family and friends.

Robert - New Years Eve 2015

I yell upstairs, bored of waiting for everyone, "Aaron, will you hurry up. What's taking you so long? You're as bad as Milly."

"Now that's a stretch, no-one can be as bad as Milly," Aaron walks down carrying Milly in his arms. They're grinning at each other, I really don't know who encourages who the most. I can't take my eyes off him though, he looks amazing in his suit. Milly has a brand new dress, it matches perfectly the blue of Aaron's eyes.

Joanna is gradually losing patience with all of us faffing around, "Okay. All of you just behave, all get in line please. Exit check is mine today." I look at her about to object as exit check is my thing, but I get the look from both Aaron and Milly warning me to get into line with them and to do as I'm told.

We're all lined up, Milly and Aaron both going slightly over exaggerated with the standing to attention bit. I'm already struggling to keep a straight face, until I get a stern look from Joanna, but it doesn't take long before I'm laughing again. "Right then, inspection time. Hands out," and she walks up and down our line closely inspecting our finger nails which are all clean and scrubbed. Aaron and me exchange looks, grinning at each other. Joanna for sure does not want to know where my fingers were earlier in the bath with Aaron; he had been gripping onto the side for dear life as I played with him. We did take our time washing each other all over afterwards though, so I can vouch that we are very clean everywhere. We're all unsuccessfully trying not to laugh as Joanna uses my line, a good imitation of how I normally say it, "Mmmmh, I suppose they'll have to do." Joanna carries on with the routine, "Give me a twirl," and we all spin round, Milly as usual is practically falling over because she goes too fast. I don't know who is laughing more now, us or Joanna. She's given up trying to keep a straight face as she continues, "Aaron pay attention, bottle of wine?"

"Check Mam, on the table behind you."

"Milly, chocolates and posy?"

"Check Mam." She points to them on the bottom of the steps.

Then she gets to me, and stands in front of me, a little more serious and quiet, "All present and correct?"

I look across to Aaron, "Check Mam." Nothing will be forgotten today.

"Okay, let's go." Annie is asleep in the car seat as we all set off to go up-to Home Farm.

.

A lot has happened since Annie came home with us to Emmerdale. We had decided to tell Joanna the truth about her. We did leave out exactly what Annie's granddad used to be and some of the finer details, but we told her enough so she can protect her and us if needed. Joanna is one of the family now, which weirdly could one day become a reality as she's started seeing Andy. They're both cautious with it, but I think they will be good together. I'm more or less okay and healed from the bullet wounds, just a few extra scars; there don't seem to be any other side effects.

Aaron moved into Home Farm back in September to help out as I recovered. It didn't matter how much I told him not to, he just ignored me and I soon gave up trying to get him to leave. I loved having him around too much and us all being together as a family. October had been hard for both of us, but it was the polar opposite of how we had been last year. We are so close and I don't think either of us could have got through it the same without each other. We were practically inseparable, especially the same week where Jem and Aaron had been taken. That whole week we were physically very needy and close to each other all the time. Milly and Joanna took us to Wiley's for a kind of remembrance. They have named part of the garden 'Jem's Corner' and had a plaque made and planted a tree They're going to plant flowers and make a seating area in the spring next year. Milly gave us each a glass star which we all hung on the branches. Both me and Aaron were in tears. It was really an emotional day, but it had felt good to remember her like that.

We moved into the farmhouse just before Christmas as we had hoped. Not all the rooms are finished or decorated yet, but the important ones are done. We had wanted to be in our own home for Christmas Day so we moved in. The Colonel has resigned his commission from the army and bought Home Farm from me; he and Caroline have moved up here permanently. He still has the beach house in Tenby, he'll always keep that for holidays and when we want to get away for a few days. The old farmhouse looks completely different from before, all modern and sleek inside and out, with massive floor to ceiling windows giving fab views over the fields.

I'd been talking with the Colonel ever since I'd started re-designing Wiley's and had thrown an idea his way. He had laughed at me at first, but then we had started to talk about it seriously. The two main sheds will be converted into a micro brewery which we will own as partners and then the farm remains just mine and Aarons. We're going to name the farm and the brewery Beckindale after the old village name; there will still be some regular farming as well and I have other plans for the future, but we're still working some of that out. Aaron's given up working at the scrap yard and Butlers and we'll both be full time at home.

We did have the race from our bet, it didn't get forgotten. As predicted Aaron lost, but he got out of being named the village streaker by promising certain sexual favours to me and if I didn't accept, well he would withhold said favours and a lot more. Let's just say we came to an agreement that works for both of us and so far I'm not complaining. I didn't think Aaron could get any better at certain things, but he's definitely got a lot more creative. I'm seriously considering to soundproof the master bedroom in our new home. 

.

At Christmas, we spent most of Christmas day at home together. It was really nice just being us, in our family of four. Joanna went to her parents to eat and it was definitely entertaining making food. We'd had endless coaching and advice from Joanna and Caroline, Vic had even offered to help. None of them were quite convinced we could do it, but we were determined to do it all ourselves on the day and we did. We were quite proud of ourselves afterwards. Milly was excited with her present which is actually her and Annie's present together; a little rescued puppy that Aaron had come back with from Paddy's after being found abandoned. Later in the day we had walked up-to the Woolpack to spend the evening with family, Joanna joining us there. We've told everyone that we're adopting Annie and so far people have just accepted it and that Annie is part of our family now. With luck it will stay like that.

Chas is still not my biggest fan, but she can't deny we're happy. I catch her watching Aaron with girls sometimes where she's just smiling at him. Aaron called her Grandma on Christmas Day and Milly latched onto it, so whether she likes it or not, she's a Grandma. I don't think she ever thought she'd have grandchildren and now she has two. We were sat together watching Aaron with them at one point and I hadn't been thinking when I'd said out loud, "I could watch him all day with them." She didn't say anything, but I know from the look on her face she was pretty much thinking the same.

.

The Colonel and Caroline have settled into the village quickly in the short time they have been here and as Aaron predicted they get on really well with Paddy and Rhona. Aaron takes the mickey out of me because I still call James the Colonel, but it's habit and I don't think I'll ever get out of it. It just doesn't feel right calling him James. Caroline and the Colonel are hosting New Years Eve. There is an afternoon gathering and meal for family and friends and then an open invitation for the entire village and local farmers to a party at night and fireworks. Caroline loves to throw parties, she's good at it and they always have a theme. Their two won't make it as expected so our Emmerdale family has now become their family, Dingles and all. This year she's doing the swinging twenties so there's going to be a band and everyone has been instructed to get dolled up in their suits and frocks. 

It's nice and relaxed as it moves into mid afternoon at Home Farm as we mingle and chat. Everyone's been here for a while with the pre-meal drinks going down nicely when Caroline ushers everyone into the hall; all our family and friends. We've kept a little part of the day's programme a secret with only Caroline, the Colonel and Joanna in the know. After a quick welcome speech she hands over to someone no-one recognises. The registrar smiles at us and beckons to me and Aaron to come and stand next to her at the foot of the stairs. I daren't look around as she starts to talk. I glance at the bottom steps behind where the registrar is stood and I can't help but grin at Aaron as I sneak a glance at him. He knows exactly what I'm thinking about, I reach over and hold his hand. We can tell there's a slow realisation amongst everyone of what we're going to do, which is soon confirmed, "Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to welcome you all to Home Farm for the marriage of Robert Sugden and Aaron Livesy......" Neither of us still daren't look at anyone, so we just look at each other.

When we get to the part where we exchange the rings we have had made, our eyes are locked, piercing into each other. It was always Aaron's eyes that got me. From the first time I saw him in the coffee shop where I had tried my best to not notice, but I had and I noticed every time I saw him after that. I smile at Aaron as I put the ring half on his finger and hold his hand in mine, "I give you this ring as a token of our married life together, and I call upon these persons, here present, to witness that I Robert Sugden do take thee Aaron Livesy to be my lawful wedded husband, to be loving, faithful and loyal to thee in living our married life together." As I push the ring fully onto his finger I can feel a tear building and it just keeps building as Aaron says his part to me; his hands holding mine with my ring until he pushes it all the way on my finger.

We smile at each other as the registrar finishes, "Robert and Aaron, you have made the declaration prescribed by law and have made a solemn and binding contract with each other in the presence of your witnesses friends and family, I am happy to pronounce you husband and husband."

We don't wait for her to say anything else as I put my hands around his waist and we kiss each other. I rest my head down on his shoulder farthest away from everyone, I'm hiding my face away as I feel the tear fall down my cheek. We have been through so much and so often I didn't ever dare to think we would get this far; that he's now my husband is overwhelming.

When I had asked Aaron to marry me in Tenby, he didn't hesitate to say yes. Despite what I had said before, we both agreed that we didn't want to wait too long and we didn't want a lot of fuss. He had surprised me the most when he said he wanted to take my name so that we all have the same family name. He'd always jibed proudly about being a Livesy and not a Dingle. I've been saying it over and over to myself the last week or so, still trying to get used to how it sounds.

Aaron holds my head up with his hands and kisses me again and I whisper into his ear, "I love you Aaron Sugden" When we finally turn and look at everyone, we're both a little embarrassed because everyone's clapping. All we see are beaming faces, including Chas who looks like she also shed a tear.

.

We get a lot of ribbing for the rest of the day about not telling anyone, but I'm pleased we didn't; it had been perfect. I've just come back downstairs from feeding Annie and putting her down to sleep. I smile at Milly seeing her crashed out asleep on the settee. She runs herself ragged during the day, it was always going to be a long shot that she made it to midnight. Milly, Joanna and Annie are all staying at Home Farm tonight so we get our wedding night alone at home. Tomorrow we're driving down to the beach house to spend a week there together, just the two of us.

I go to find Aaron and I make excuses as I pull him away from the people he is talking to. We head outside onto the patio and I push him against the wall. I run my hand through his hair and we kiss, it's a deep hungry kiss. He stops me and pushes me away a little, grinning at me, nodding in the direction of the other people outside looking at us in amusement, "You need to behave Mr Sugden."

I smile back at him as we go over and join Vic, Andy and Adam who are coming outside as it gets close to midnight, but I whisper into his ear mischievously, "Only until I get you on your own Mr Sugden and then I'm going to do anything but behave."

He grins back at me as we join in everyone counting down to the New Year, I have my arms wrapped around him and he's leaning back into me. As the fireworks start I'm kissing his neck and teasing his ear with my breath. I'm impatient to make love to him and it's not long before we sneak off home....

..... where we live happily ever after........ (well, most of the time)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've always had a soft spot for Aaron, but I've loved writing this version of Robert. I have to admit I think I've fallen a little bit in love with him in this fic.
> 
> I want to give everyone a really big thank you for all the encouragement and kind comments. It's nice to know you enjoy the story as much as me. I'm a bit of a sop for a happy ending, but I think they deserve it and hopefully you didn't have to go and headcanon alternatives too much.
> 
> Although the next two fics are mapped out in general terms and started, it might be a few weeks before I start to post. I'm really busy and stressed with a project at work, with lots of travelling so I've found it hard to relax enough to write in the last couple of weeks. We'll have to see how it goes, but I'm looking forward to writing both of them. They both have titles now:
> 
>  **It's A Funny Old Game** \- Robert returns to Emmerdale, an England international footballer returning home from France to play in the Premiership. He's single and still with a reputation for being a playboy with the ladies. A game of spin the bottle and a dare from his sister to snog the local mechanic changes everything.  
>  **Black, White And Blue** \- Robert and Chrissie are married and move into Home Farm. To the outside world he is still the same arrogant Robert they all know, now just with a snooty wife in tow; but behind closed doors he is trapped in a marriage he cannot escape and silently suffers domestic abuse at the hands of his wife. Helping Diane out at the pub, working together with Aaron who is covering for Chas, they become close and Aaron begins to suspect something's not right.


End file.
